a bit confused

Dunno if this has to do with dealing with a spot of depression im fighting, but I've begun doubting my E-type (and a lot of other things...). Lately I find that some of the 1 descriptions dont match me. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore; I thought I knew or maybe I never did in the first place.

Im hoping you kind folks could help me out a bit.


Main Questions

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Ive always had a drive/been pushed by my parents to do my best; To get the best grades, to always be well behaved, to set an example (im the oldest of 3). I internalized that and some things like failing a class (or even getting a grade less then a B!), making mistakes, acting wild and immature, or making a fool out of myself are abhorrent and to be avoided. As such, I pushed myself to get the best grades and behavior I could. you know, Excelence. I took great pride in my grades and comments from teachers about how I was such a smart and well behaved student.

I am older now and am making my way through college. I've relaxed a bit on my standards, realizing that trying to be perfect is exhausting! I've never really known what I wanted out of life, nor what I want to be when I grow up. Ive now come to the conclusion that I have my whole life to figure that out, and whatever I do, I just want to be happy.



2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I want to achieve a happy place where I dont have to worry about finances, can have a pleasant social life (im really lonely right now) with a stable, close relationship with a guy who is also my closest friend, and be able to travel. Gosh, do I want to see the world! To see and experience different cultures, food, landmarks, nature...you name it. I dont want to stay caged, stuck in only this one tiny part of the world.

I dont want to be trapped at a boring 9-5 job where the only motivation I have is the paycheck. I want to enjoy my career, and be able to afford my pleasant little den. I dont need much, a small place to call my own will do.


3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I gre up with a very strict and controlling step father, and all my parents placed great expectations of "right" behavior: behaving correctly in society, doing my best on schoolwork...But because of the stepfather issues, I began to be very mean (aka, bullying) towards my younger brother. Redirected aggression if you will. I became very strict in my dealings with others; pointing out flaws, correcting them, trying to get them to act "right", even going out of my way to straighten wall hangings! I realized I was becoming like my stepfather, and that upset me. I dont want to be mean or hypercritical of others. I like enjoying my time with people. So I have been focusing on being able to let things go and not always trying to "fix" things.

honesty, integrity, respect, intelligence/rationality, acceptance, standing up for what one believes in are all important to me. I cant stand cheats, ignorance, and abuse. I always feel as if I must do something. I have very strong opinions on things (like religion, politics, gay rights, etc) and will square my shoulders and confront you should you cross my boundaries on these subjects.


4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
of not being happy (depression again). Of failing and disappointing my family and friends. Of not being loved/loveable. Why? Fuck if I know....


5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want others to see me as self-sufficient and confident; as smart, responsible, dedicated, mature and trustworthy. I want to be considered a good friend, and a reliable confidant,and someone you can invite along and spend time with . I have always been very harsh with myself (woulda shoulda coulda) and berate myself for sometimes even the smallest little things. I know I can do better.

But I also know that I am nowhere near as strong as I come off to others. I am rather shy and nervous especially in new situations, and have rather low self esteem. I dont think im pretty or all that interesting. And I kinda beat myself up for not thinking that im good enough. I would like to think that I am friendly and kind, but I often have a hard time showing people this (anxiety and depression)


6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I accomplish something, even if it remembering to do my laundry. I feel good when I connect with others and let go and have a bit of fun. I dont like feeling so strung up all the time.

I feel my worst when I am alone for long stretches of time, without meaningful interaction. I've had to start all over with my social groups here at college, and I have discovered taht Im not very good at making friends. I feel my worst when I fail, socially/academically.


7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
anger: deep, tight burning. It consumes me at times, rushes to my face. I clench my jaw and tighten my fists; My heart races, I feel flushed, my mind begins racing. I used to have a lot less control over my anger when younger, and my younger brother was often at the recieving end of my anger. I would yell in his face, shove him, and if he fought back, engage in a nice little round of fisticuffs. I mostly felt my anger at home and would feel so embarrassed after letting myself get out of control like that. I dont hate my brother, but it certainly felt like I did sometimes. I was never allowed to express anger towards my parents (ie stepdad) for it would only serve to make the situation that much worse for me, so much of the time I would hold it bottled up inside me. I cried in my room alot when I was young. I have crying.

In public, I try much harder to contain myself. Like I said before, Ive been working on letting things go. But sometimes...damn. I just want to fuck somebody up!! Mostly my anger is expressed in a glare, or even a barked yell (think of a guttural, loud snarl). I want to give them a sound beating, but that is not appropriate, so a verbal beat-down? Augh, I cant even manage that except in my head for I know that only garble will come out because the anger is so consuming. I have to take a few steps back and breathe before I do something rash that I will regret later. I imagine thorough fist and tongue lashings inside the safety of my mind instead. Just typing about anger makes me feel it.

shame: felt after I do something 'wrong'. be it punching my younger siblings, snapping at someone in a fit of anger, not behaving appropriately.....I mentally berate myself for not doing better. I have a harsh little devil on my shoulder. I would ruminate the events over and over in my mind and try to figure out where I went wrong, and what I should have done otherwise.

anxiety:constantly; college is expensive so I have to take out loans and spend a lot of money that I dont have, I need to get a summer job, I need a car and how Am I going to pay for that. I worry that I wont finish assignments on time or that I will recieve poor grades, I used to be painfully shy and refused to even ask a store helper where items are, preferring to wander around the store until I found them instead (im much better about that, I can talk to strangers now), Have I made the right choice in major, what Am I going to do with my History degree, graduate school seems like so much work and Im tired of school, why cant I make friends, why arent I more interesting, why do i have doing things outside my comfort zone so much, why havent I ever had a boyfriend, am I even attractive, how can I make myself more attractive, willl I ever find a mate, will I ever find a best friend --[SIGH]--and so on and so forth...



8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
stress: I withdraw and/or become tired and anxious. I push it off until I must deal with it and get annoyed when people keep bringing it up
unexpected change: grumpy and bitchy. I'll complain a lot and glare, but I get over it and adapt, just not 'nicely'
conflict: I get in your face. I may shout, or get steely quiet. I might not start a fight, but i'll be damned sure to finish it. I feel like a coward or untrue to myself if I dont defend.


9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Im obedient to both as long as the power/authority isnt abusive. After I got out from under my stepfather, i vowed to myself to never 'roll over' for anyone again. I see you abuse your privileges, Ill call you out. For this reason I have a great distrust of those who have shown to be abrasive, be it the government, religions, or other persons.


10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I hope for goodness, but our track record has been anything but stellar. We dont care about others, just making a profit. Some people do good things and it seems like an aeration when that happens. I much more expect apathy, if not outright cruelty.

There is no meaning in life and things dont happen for a reason. Life is mostly chaos and randomness. I think if we were to have a 'purpose' at all, it would be to make the world a better place for having us been in it.

Optional Questions

12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I find I trust people pretty easy. I want to believe the best in things. But I am very shy about giving of my whole self. I dont feel as if I would be accepted a lot of times if I let my self out. Im not really sure how to answer this question, honestly.


13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
I like me. I think. I think I am a good person at heart and am friendly and accepting. I like how smart I am and how I like to learn new things. I like being a bit of a nerd.

I dislike how closed off I am, I wish I could be more open and expressive (depression). I wish I knew how to be interesting and have fun. I dont like how strict I am with myself.


14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
like what? I notice their physical feathures mostly. Face and build Esp,if they are male-attraction), how they dress, symmetry in features, etc


15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I feel angry and like I have to defend myself. If they complement me I feel good and a bit perplexed as to why they noticed me.




I didnt feel like answering the rest.If you need me to further clarify anything, id be happy to oblige. I dont like feeling unsettled, I much prefer things to be decided and unambiguous. And this is probably the longest thing I've ever posted!


to help get answers:
@Spades , @Paradigm , and @Boss , @Owfin , @madhatter , @listentothemountains

@Wake would probably be better at spotting if you're core 1.

I've a question... Do you ever forget what your parents want, or their insistence to be perfect? If you do, what are you like at those moments, what do you want? Would you be doing something else if they didn't have such expectations?

Here's some reading:
Typewatch
Ocean Moonshine

I'd probably start with looking into 1, 3, or 6.

Originally Posted by Paradigm

@Wake would probably be better at spotting if you're core 1.

I've a question... Do you ever forget what your parents want, or their insistence to be perfect? If you do, what are you like at those moments, what do you want? Would you be doing something else if they didn't have such expectations?

do I forget what they want....like forgetting what to do? All the time, I get distracted by something and wander off, then get jolted back and scramble to do my chores list before they come home and get upset with me

Could you explain the rest? I cant really understand what you're asking

Originally Posted by CallSignOWL

do I forget what they want....like forgetting what to do? All the time, I get distracted by something and wander off, then get jolted back and scramble to do my chores list before they come home and get upset with me

Could you explain the rest? I cant really understand what you're asking

Sorry, it is a weird question. I was wondering if you ever had any "just you" moments, where your parents' expectations didn't play a role in your decisions. Are most of your decisions designed to make them happy? What sort of decisions do you make that are designed to make you happy?

Basically, I'm trying to find out what's the influence of your parents and what parts are really you. There's going to be overlap, for sure, so no worries about that.

A lot of things I have to do:laundry, dishes, writing a paper. If I didnt have to do anything, Id just putz around most of the day and do things that I find fun (video games, building models, playing with the animals...etc). MOst things I do is so that people are proud of me I think. I do an awful lot because I think it will make Mom proud/happy (she's the primary care-giver growing up)

though, I do like having a job to do. I like feeling like im making a meaningful contribution. COuld you be a bit more specific? I am great at answering specific questions in detail. Open ended/abstract questoins I have to fudge a bit because I dont know what they want.

@CallSignOWL, I see a 1 which doesn't have a place to see so many rights and wrongs taking place in the world immediately around her and just going through school with what she does know. Emotions of the past when she was young allowed her to be violent, which is a rarity for 1s to be driven to violence, but it does happen when young and stupid. She generally works for what she knows to be good/positive for the betterment of a situation.

Being a 1 with lacking pride in self is an odd feeling, and I've been there much because you have a strong sense of self, but others just don't see the greatness in it that you do. I would say a place to work in which you have pride in is a good solution, but also to get things which allow you to be mobile and get things done, like a car, this way you feel independent and guiding your own destiny to a larger extent.

I don't think she is a 3 because she doesn't seem to go out of her way to be prestigious and appear that way. She follows the rules of rightness to where ever they take her and tries not to make errors.

I never really felt 6 out of her words at all.

There is much to be said about your words, and I can make a comment on each paragraph if you wish to understand what I think as I read each of them to find more information and trace the roots of my conclusion.

EDIT: Thanks for the mention @Paradigm. I'm glad to work out the details of this typing.

Originally Posted by Wake

There is much to be said about your words, and I can make a comment on each paragraph if you wish to understand what I think as I read each of them to find more information and trace the roots of my conclusion.

yeah, I would like that. The past few years of college have been a bit of a learning experience about myself and I always want to learn more. :)

Originally Posted by CallSignOWL

Dunno if this has to do with dealing with a spot of depression im fighting, but I've begun doubting my E-type (and a lot of other things...). Lately I find that some of the 1 descriptions dont match me. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore; I thought I knew or maybe I never did in the first place.

Im hoping you kind folks could help me out a bit.


Main Questions

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Ive always had a drive/been pushed by my parents to do my best; To get the best grades, to always be well behaved, to set an example (im the oldest of 3). I internalized that and some things like failing a class (or even getting a grade less then a B!), making mistakes, acting wild and immature, or making a fool out of myself are abhorrent and to be avoided. As such, I pushed myself to get the best grades and behavior I could. you know, Excelence. I took great pride in my grades and comments from teachers about how I was such a smart and well behaved student.

A belief in setting the standard of doing well in school, and behaving points towards 1 due to how behavioral issues are specified also because it adds a moral rightness as well. Academic achievements also point towards 3, but it doesn't seem to be a matter of gaining glory in any way past your parents. The parents of 3s are known to be very active, and the 3 is often known to be trying to appease them, so you can't say too much from this alone.

I am older now and am making my way through college. I've relaxed a bit on my standards, realizing that trying to be perfect is exhausting! I've never really known what I wanted out of life, nor what I want to be when I grow up. Ive now come to the conclusion that I have my whole life to figure that out, and whatever I do, I just want to be happy.

Realization of living up to perfection fits into the things 1s and 3s try to do often. 3s are known to shoot high and try to become more and more capable, the goal of simply being happy is rather modest for a 3. More of a sign of being a 1.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I want to achieve a happy place where I dont have to worry about finances, can have a pleasant social life (im really lonely right now) with a stable, close relationship with a guy who is also my closest friend, and be able to travel. Gosh, do I want to see the world! To see and experience different cultures, food, landmarks, nature...you name it. I dont want to stay caged, stuck in only this one tiny part of the world.I dont want to be trapped at a boring 9-5 job where the only motivation I have is the paycheck. I want to enjoy my career, and be able to afford my pleasant little den. I dont need much, a small place to call my own will do.

Still, modest for a 3. Being in college and working towards a career its hard to tell if this amount of attention payed to working is a level of emphasis above others, because many types aren't too work oriented.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I gre up with a very strict and controlling step father, and all my parents placed great expectations of "right" behavior: behaving correctly in society, doing my best on schoolwork...But because of the stepfather issues, I began to be very mean (aka, bullying) towards my younger brother. Redirected aggression if you will. I became very strict in my dealings with others; pointing out flaws, correcting them, trying to get them to act "right", even going out of my way to straighten wall hangings! I realized I was becoming like my stepfather, and that upset me. I dont want to be mean or hypercritical of others. I like enjoying my time with people. So I have been focusing on being able to let things go and not always trying to "fix" things.

A high regard for what the correct action is and trying to instill this in others as a desire to fix the environment implemented, very 1-like. Emotions can make us act poorly, especially at a young age, and if you were an adult I would say that is unlike a 1, but you were too young to judge.

honesty, integrity, respect, intelligence/rationality, acceptance, standing up for what one believes in are all important to me. I cant stand cheats, ignorance, and abuse. I always feel as if I must do something. I have very strong opinions on things (like religion, politics, gay rights, etc) and will square my shoulders and confront you should you cross my boundaries on these subjects.

Integrity is the trademark of a 1 because it is linked to how honorable you see yourself, and 1s are the best at not committing a moral wrong, so integrity is a big deal. A desire to take a stand for what one believes is a big deal for 1s because it is part of how they ensure what they know is right is what takes place around them. The other stuff speaks to an E1 as well. I don't see other types in this paragraph at all.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
of not being happy (depression again). Of failing and disappointing my family and friends. Of not being loved/loveable. Why? Fuck if I know....

3 or 1ish need to uphold a standard to look good for others.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want others to see me as self-sufficient and confident; as smart, responsible, dedicated, mature and trustworthy. I want to be considered a good friend, and a reliable confidant,and someone you can invite along and spend time with . I have always been very harsh with myself (woulda shoulda coulda) and berate myself for sometimes even the smallest little things. I know I can do better.

1s are known to strain themselves to live up to perfection and have a high standard for themselves. The mentioning of trustworthiness is notable because 1s care deeply about the ability to make the right decision at the right time, and it's a sign of their moral righteousness because they're controlled. Self-sufficiency is the ability to carry your own weight and not bring harm to others with your presence, very 1-like in its relation to the superego's desire to better others through your actions.

But I also know that I am nowhere near as strong as I come off to others. I am rather shy and nervous especially in new situations, and have rather low self esteem. I dont think im pretty or all that interesting. And I kinda beat myself up for not thinking that im good enough. I would like to think that I am friendly and kind, but I often have a hard time showing people this (anxiety and depression)

Being a low self esteem 1 can be odd for reasons I mentioned in my first posting.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I accomplish something, even if it remembering to do my laundry. I feel good when I connect with others and let go and have a bit of fun. I dont like feeling so strung up all the time.

To have unfulfilled obligations is a bad feeling. It can be viewed as both a sign of 3 and 1, and I lean 1 given my typing of your words to this point.

I feel my worst when I am alone for long stretches of time, without meaningful interaction. I've had to start all over with my social groups here at college, and I have discovered taht Im not very good at making friends. I feel my worst when I fail, socially/academically.

Normally type 3s are pretty good at making friends due to their strong desire to adapt to act most appropriately for their goal.

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
anger: deep, tight burning. It consumes me at times, rushes to my face. I clench my jaw and tighten my fists; My heart races, I feel flushed, my mind begins racing. I used to have a lot less control over my anger when younger, and my younger brother was often at the recieving end of my anger. I would yell in his face, shove him, and if he fought back, engage in a nice little round of fisticuffs. I mostly felt my anger at home and would feel so embarrassed after letting myself get out of control like that. I dont hate my brother, but it certainly felt like I did sometimes. I was never allowed to express anger towards my parents (ie stepdad) for it would only serve to make the situation that much worse for me, so much of the time I would hold it bottled up inside me. I cried in my room alot when I was young. I have crying.

In public, I try much harder to contain myself. Like I said before, Ive been working on letting things go. But sometimes...damn. I just want to fuck somebody up!! Mostly my anger is expressed in a glare, or even a barked yell (think of a guttural, loud snarl). I want to give them a sound beating, but that is not appropriate, so a verbal beat-down? Augh, I cant even manage that except in my head for I know that only garble will come out because the anger is so consuming. I have to take a few steps back and breathe before I do something rash that I will regret later. I imagine thorough fist and tongue lashings inside the safety of my mind instead. Just typing about anger makes me feel it.

Not likely a type 9 given the confrontational attitude. A level of condemnation brings on fantasies of harsh actions followed by a desire to contain ones self through control, which leads to believe in type 1 is the true type for this one because it gets tied in with that right move at the right time issue, and to be brash is lacking control.

shame: felt after I do something 'wrong'. be it punching my younger siblings, snapping at someone in a fit of anger, not behaving appropriately.....I mentally berate myself for not doing better. I have a harsh little devil on my shoulder. I would ruminate the events over and over in my mind and try to figure out where I went wrong, and what I should have done otherwise.

right action at the right time, type 1.

anxiety:constantly; college is expensive so I have to take out loans and spend a lot of money that I dont have, I need to get a summer job, I need a car and how Am I going to pay for that. I worry that I wont finish assignments on time or that I will recieve poor grades, I used to be painfully shy and refused to even ask a store helper where items are, preferring to wander around the store until I found them instead (im much better about that, I can talk to strangers now), Have I made the right choice in major, what Am I going to do with my History degree, graduate school seems like so much work and Im tired of school, why cant I make friends, why arent I more interesting, why do i have doing things outside my comfort zone so much, why havent I ever had a boyfriend, am I even attractive, how can I make myself more attractive, willl I ever find a mate, will I ever find a best friend --[SIGH]--and so on and so forth...

Your issues really resonate with me. You should shoot me a PM sometime. My best advice career-wise is to see a goal and fight for it, and the conviction to better your future will follow. Personally, I need to believe that I am doing what I am to support an institution I will care about to better those around me.

I don't have time for the rest. I hope I gave a good analysis.

Originally Posted by CallSignOWL

A lot of things I have to do:laundry, dishes, writing a paper. If I didnt have to do anything, Id just putz around most of the day and do things that I find fun (video games, building models, playing with the animals...etc). MOst things I do is so that people are proud of me I think. I do an awful lot because I think it will make Mom proud/happy (she's the primary care-giver growing up)

though, I do like having a job to do. I like feeling like im making a meaningful contribution. COuld you be a bit more specific? I am great at answering specific questions in detail. Open ended/abstract questoins I have to fudge a bit because I dont know what they want.

Thanks for the effort with my abstractness and telling me what you need

The only detailed question I can think of is:
Is there a difference between what major you want and what major your parents want? Which would you choose and why?

Wake makes a good argument for core 1. I would suggest still looking into 3 for now, as you do seem to need to "do something," achieve things, to feel better. However, it could just be me mixing things up (I have a hard time with 1 vs 3).

@Wake , I appreciate the help, thank you!

@Wake That was very helpful, thank you. A lot of the 1 descriptions dont really touch on anxiety much though, and I feel anxious a lot in many situations. What are your thoughts on ones and feelings of anxiety?

Originally Posted by Paradigm

Thanks for the effort with my abstractness and telling me what you need

The only detailed question I can think of is:
Is there a difference between what major you want and what major your parents want? Which would you choose and why?

I was originally and art major, mostly because I couldnt think of anything else. BUt I later changed it because what was I going to do with an art degree? That and I really didnt like the VisLit classes--I like to draw, but not for 3 hours at a time! I was also in AF ROTC, and my old JROTC instructor told me that he thought a history major with a path towards the intel field seemed like a good fit for me. So when I decided to change my major, I went with History. And I like it. I like learning about history, always have. (I also really like antique stores and the musty smell therein).

I also have little idea about what to do with my History major, but it seems a bit more applicable than art. I have been considering doing something with museum work, but museum positions (like a curator and such) require master degrees. Mom is pushing me towards a masters, and I dont know if it is a case of premature senior-itis or something, but I am tired of school. Ive been doing school for over 15 years now. I kinda want to do something else for a while, you know? I am rather eager to get out on my own, find a nice little apartment and set up my very own home, figure out how to budget, get a motorcycle, set up my own little modeling workshop/display, get a dog...

Im just afraid of being stuck working at a fast food joint for the rest of my life though. What would be the point of gong to school and spending some $40,000 if Im not gonna use my degree??