Dunno if this has to do with dealing with a spot of depression im fighting, but I've begun doubting my E-type (and a lot of other things...). Lately I find that some of the 1 descriptions dont match me. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore; I thought I knew or maybe I never did in the first place.
Im hoping you kind folks could help me out a bit.
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Ive always had a drive/been pushed by my parents to do my best; To get the best grades, to always be well behaved, to set an example (im the oldest of 3). I internalized that and some things like failing a class (or even getting a grade less then a B!), making mistakes, acting wild and immature, or making a fool out of myself are abhorrent and to be avoided. As such, I pushed myself to get the best grades and behavior I could. you know, Excelence. I took great pride in my grades and comments from teachers about how I was such a smart and well behaved student.
I am older now and am making my way through college. I've relaxed a bit on my standards, realizing that trying to be perfect is exhausting! I've never really known what I wanted out of life, nor what I want to be when I grow up. Ive now come to the conclusion that I have my whole life to figure that out, and whatever I do, I just want to be happy.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I want to achieve a happy place where I dont have to worry about finances, can have a pleasant social life (im really lonely right now) with a stable, close relationship with a guy who is also my closest friend, and be able to travel. Gosh, do I want to see the world! To see and experience different cultures, food, landmarks, nature...you name it. I dont want to stay caged, stuck in only this one tiny part of the world.
I dont want to be trapped at a boring 9-5 job where the only motivation I have is the paycheck. I want to enjoy my career, and be able to afford my pleasant little den. I dont need much, a small place to call my own will do.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I gre up with a very strict and controlling step father, and all my parents placed great expectations of "right" behavior: behaving correctly in society, doing my best on schoolwork...But because of the stepfather issues, I began to be very mean (aka, bullying) towards my younger brother. Redirected aggression if you will. I became very strict in my dealings with others; pointing out flaws, correcting them, trying to get them to act "right", even going out of my way to straighten wall hangings! I realized I was becoming like my stepfather, and that upset me. I dont want to be mean or hypercritical of others. I like enjoying my time with people. So I have been focusing on being able to let things go and not always trying to "fix" things.
honesty, integrity, respect, intelligence/rationality, acceptance, standing up for what one believes in are all important to me. I cant stand cheats, ignorance, and abuse. I always feel as if I must do something. I have very strong opinions on things (like religion, politics, gay rights, etc) and will square my shoulders and confront you should you cross my boundaries on these subjects.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
of not being happy (depression again). Of failing and disappointing my family and friends. Of not being loved/loveable. Why? Fuck if I know....
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want others to see me as self-sufficient and confident; as smart, responsible, dedicated, mature and trustworthy. I want to be considered a good friend, and a reliable confidant,and someone you can invite along and spend time with . I have always been very harsh with myself (woulda shoulda coulda) and berate myself for sometimes even the smallest little things. I know I can do better.
But I also know that I am nowhere near as strong as I come off to others. I am rather shy and nervous especially in new situations, and have rather low self esteem. I dont think im pretty or all that interesting. And I kinda beat myself up for not thinking that im good enough. I would like to think that I am friendly and kind, but I often have a hard time showing people this (anxiety and depression)
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I accomplish something, even if it remembering to do my laundry. I feel good when I connect with others and let go and have a bit of fun. I dont like feeling so strung up all the time.
I feel my worst when I am alone for long stretches of time, without meaningful interaction. I've had to start all over with my social groups here at college, and I have discovered taht Im not very good at making friends. I feel my worst when I fail, socially/academically.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
anger: deep, tight burning. It consumes me at times, rushes to my face. I clench my jaw and tighten my fists; My heart races, I feel flushed, my mind begins racing. I used to have a lot less control over my anger when younger, and my younger brother was often at the recieving end of my anger. I would yell in his face, shove him, and if he fought back, engage in a nice little round of fisticuffs. I mostly felt my anger at home and would feel so embarrassed after letting myself get out of control like that. I dont hate my brother, but it certainly felt like I did sometimes. I was never allowed to express anger towards my parents (ie stepdad) for it would only serve to make the situation that much worse for me, so much of the time I would hold it bottled up inside me. I cried in my room alot when I was young. I have crying.
In public, I try much harder to contain myself. Like I said before, Ive been working on letting things go. But sometimes...damn. I just want to fuck somebody up!! Mostly my anger is expressed in a glare, or even a barked yell (think of a guttural, loud snarl). I want to give them a sound beating, but that is not appropriate, so a verbal beat-down? Augh, I cant even manage that except in my head for I know that only garble will come out because the anger is so consuming. I have to take a few steps back and breathe before I do something rash that I will regret later. I imagine thorough fist and tongue lashings inside the safety of my mind instead. Just typing about anger makes me feel it.
shame: felt after I do something 'wrong'. be it punching my younger siblings, snapping at someone in a fit of anger, not behaving appropriately.....I mentally berate myself for not doing better. I have a harsh little devil on my shoulder. I would ruminate the events over and over in my mind and try to figure out where I went wrong, and what I should have done otherwise.
anxiety:constantly; college is expensive so I have to take out loans and spend a lot of money that I dont have, I need to get a summer job, I need a car and how Am I going to pay for that. I worry that I wont finish assignments on time or that I will recieve poor grades, I used to be painfully shy and refused to even ask a store helper where items are, preferring to wander around the store until I found them instead (im much better about that, I can talk to strangers now), Have I made the right choice in major, what Am I going to do with my History degree, graduate school seems like so much work and Im tired of school, why cant I make friends, why arent I more interesting, why do i have doing things outside my comfort zone so much, why havent I ever had a boyfriend, am I even attractive, how can I make myself more attractive, willl I ever find a mate, will I ever find a best friend --[SIGH]--and so on and so forth...
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
stress: I withdraw and/or become tired and anxious. I push it off until I must deal with it and get annoyed when people keep bringing it up
unexpected change: grumpy and bitchy. I'll complain a lot and glare, but I get over it and adapt, just not 'nicely'
conflict: I get in your face. I may shout, or get steely quiet. I might not start a fight, but i'll be damned sure to finish it. I feel like a coward or untrue to myself if I dont defend.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Im obedient to both as long as the power/authority isnt abusive. After I got out from under my stepfather, i vowed to myself to never 'roll over' for anyone again. I see you abuse your privileges, Ill call you out. For this reason I have a great distrust of those who have shown to be abrasive, be it the government, religions, or other persons.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I hope for goodness, but our track record has been anything but stellar. We dont care about others, just making a profit. Some people do good things and it seems like an aeration when that happens. I much more expect apathy, if not outright cruelty.
There is no meaning in life and things dont happen for a reason. Life is mostly chaos and randomness. I think if we were to have a 'purpose' at all, it would be to make the world a better place for having us been in it.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I find I trust people pretty easy. I want to believe the best in things. But I am very shy about giving of my whole self. I dont feel as if I would be accepted a lot of times if I let my self out. Im not really sure how to answer this question, honestly.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
I like me. I think. I think I am a good person at heart and am friendly and accepting. I like how smart I am and how I like to learn new things. I like being a bit of a nerd.
I dislike how closed off I am, I wish I could be more open and expressive (depression). I wish I knew how to be interesting and have fun. I dont like how strict I am with myself.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
like what? I notice their physical feathures mostly. Face and build Esp,if they are male-attraction), how they dress, symmetry in features, etc
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I feel angry and like I have to defend myself. If they complement me I feel good and a bit perplexed as to why they noticed me.
I didnt feel like answering the rest.If you need me to further clarify anything, id be happy to oblige. I dont like feeling unsettled, I much prefer things to be decided and unambiguous. And this is probably the longest thing I've ever posted!
to help get answers:
@Spades , @Paradigm , and @Boss , @Owfin , @madhatter , @listentothemountains