I do not usually ask for outside input, but I am now doing it in an effort of pure objectivity. The chalk board has been erased and here I am, a newborn babe, a fresh leaf of grass, replete with mixed and unfinished metaphors.
These are the things I find important in typing myself. They are of course a mere snapshot of my motivations and behaviors, but they are the lens through which I see things, so I suppose that matters. Please feel free to ask questions. I will attempt to provide the most honest answer.
1. I am hopelessly addicted to typology. I have tried to quit- torn apart my scores of books and tossed them in the recycling or handed them off to friends. Vowed that I would never look at anything enneagram again. Vowed I would settle on a type and then use that insight to transform myself into a productive, healthy person. But then I encounter new information and my mind knocks down the structure I've created because it wants to see what happens when I add this new block to the pile. My mind really seems to like this sort of a challenge, hence this thread- I'm always wanting to start anew, erase whatever I thought I was before. I guess I think the way to stay true to yourself is to completely reinvent whenever you find a flaw in the design.
2. This is not to say that this concept leads to real change in my life. It did when I was younger but now that I am married and a parent, I can't just get up and move, try something else out. In many ways I feel paralyzed to act now because there is just way too much to consider. Also, my lack of progress (real accomplishments I can be proud of) in my life has led to chronic depression. I feel like I have become somewhat a nihilist, somewhat resigned to how it is, that everyone else is like fifty miles ahead of me on the road and there's no way I can catch up. A classmate of mine created one of the best films of last year. I was considered to have the same potential. But did I act? Nope. Because in the face of real challenge and adversity I crumble, doubt my abilities, don't want to play the game, convince myself I don't know enough, that I can't do the things others seem to do. They have something I lack, there is something wrong with me... Blegh.
3. I have never known how to fit in. I don't seem to belong in the regular human world. I am just a total stinking misfit. Other things that other people just do, don't give a second thought about pretty much tear me apart. I suck at making friends. Or if I make friends, I'm either too aloof or too needy so it dies. I suck at work. I can't do a regular job, I can only do something perfectly suited to me, the right perfect thing, but I haven't figured out what that is. Well I think I do, but then I waste time doing stupid things like typology instead. And if you are passionate about something you shouldn't be getting paid for it. Other people's needs and desires corrupt the whole process. As my husband says, I am my own worst enemy.
4. The only thing I've ever really wanted in my life is to create something wholly real and honest, a thing of beauty which speaks to other's souls, something profound and innovative that only I can do. I always liked the idea of Van Gogh- working himself to death on his art, completely unappreciated in his time, but a genius! A master! As you can imagine, that is a pretty daunting desire. And I seem to be lacking the perseverance to achieve such a thing. I want to be dauntless. Instead I am self-inhibited and hell-bent on shooting myself in the foot.
5. The fact that I have yet to find my thing (and my love for my children/husband) keeps me alive. I have visions of being an old lady living in the middle of nowhere completely absorbed in my work, be it photography or painting. I could see myself communicating exclusively in these mediums, quitting words all together, maybe one or two linked together on occasion.
I hope this is enough to go off of, or a good starting point.
Thank you for any insight you can provide.