So I'm making an attempt (again) to understand enneagram and to figure out where I fit in this system. I tried a few years back when I was really into MBTI (I'm an INFJ in that system) but the system never really stuck with me. Back then I kind of assumed that I was a 9, since most of the times my tests weren't consistent. I guess I just kind of figured I had no type. Now, a few years later I find myself trying to understand this again (got a bit inspired through my current grad school program to try it) though also frustrated yet again (MBTI has made so much more sense to me... why am I having such trouble with this system?!).
To give a bit of an idea, here's what some of my scores have been:
- With a basic online tests I've gotten a 5 as the highest, one point lower a 4, and then one other point lower a 9.
- When I took a tritype test I got 479.
- When I took a test to figure your variant instinct and wing I tested 9w1 with the sexual variant (which can apparently appear like a 4 in some contexts, maybe?)
I had met up with a friend to discuss it last week and I resonated with a lot of things talked about in the 9. Though she seems to kind of think I'm more of a 4 (based upon body type and maybe some other things). So I could just be a 4 with boundary (co-dependency) issues... or simply just at a point of identity crisis. lol
To give some more insight here's my answers the the questions posted:
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
My inner inspirations... taking some time to connect to them. I feel like I can most easily reach that high through music... either by listening or dance. Used to play, but not so prevalent now. Paying close attention to things in nature as well (smells, sounds). Writing... some form of expression though it's not shared very often, but rather something I just do for my own nurturing.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I want to help the world by making us closer to a more sustainable way of being. To help stop violence and wars... the things of destruction that only cause and recycle pain and suffering by both working direction with individuals and in the broader scheme of things (such as starvation).
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
Harmony and acceptance is important. I often hope to avoid conflict.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
At this point, messing up and being a contradiction to my own goals. That's more of a recent fear that's only emerged in the last few years. Previously (like in the last 20+ years of my life), it would've been abandonment. (I think that's where I'm having the most trouble with this system... cause I'm not at all consistent now with where I was like just 5 years ago).
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
Accepting and a good listener. Honestly, at this point I have no idea how I see myself because I've dealt with so many changes in cultures that anything that was has been completely uprooted (from living overseas, traveling quite a bit, living in a completely new location again). So, I guess I'm in a bit of an identity crisis, yet not really looking at it as a bad thing but rather a good way to explore what is truly there rather than what societies and cultures want you to have.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
What has made me feel the best is overcoming a challenging situation with a person. Like, if someone is in a lot of emotional pain and using many defense mechanisms to protect themselves and that moment when I've just somehow intuitively knew exactly what to say in that moment to cause a small (or big) shift in perception. Egoically, I feel worse when experiencing intense rejection.
7. Describe how you experience each of:
I hardly ever get mad... or at least express it. Nobody ever really knows when I'm mad. I think I've only actually "blown up" on someone like 4-5 times in my life. I've tried to mention things long before it gets to that or simply just go about it in a side step way (in my childhood, more passive aggressive). I've been working on setting boundaries though so actually about 2 of those times have occurred as a result of trying that in the last couple years.
Like I want to curl up in a ball and wither away?
Increased heart rate... it's pretty intense and I guess I've always had the impression that perhaps mine is somehow stronger than others cause rarely have I seen other people have as intense bodily reactions as I have.
** All of the above are pretty intense bodily reactions. I used to exercise a lot in certain period of my life in order to help release it so I wasn't holding onto it so much.
8. Describe how you respond to each of:
Isn't this kind of the same as anger, shame, and anxiety? I don't get "stressed" about little things nearly as often as most people, it seems. (though I'm seeing that as more of an INFJ thing versus a SJ thing).
b) unexpected change;
I get frustrated... especially at the last minute being told things. If it's excessive I'm not too happy. While only living in the US, I used to say I was pretty flexible and could mostly tolerate it despite a little stress and inconvenience, though after living in East Asia where that was a daily occurrence (seriously) I shifted to being 1. Even more flexible, yet 2. Less tolerant in those atmospheres.
Habitually, trying to avoid at all costs... especially cause I REALLY struggle at being assertive and I don't want to feel like I'm being walked on and I don't want to get into this place of not really knowing how to stand up for myself, which I think has been prevalent all throughout my life. It's certainly something I've been working on in the last few years though.
9. Describe your orientation to:
Growing up and into early adulthood I never broke the rules. Never had a detention in school (when I was teaching I had no idea how they were handled cause I never actually went through it myself) and I hardly ever got in trouble. If I did I felt such intense guilt that I just never even thought of doing anything like that again. Now, it's a bit more of a balanced approach. I'll question the authority yet also strongly feel its necessarily to act respectively.
b) power. How do you respond to these?
I feel like these two go hand in hand, but to add on to my thought I currently don't like the feeling of being suffocated by "power" or "authority". If I feel like its not an ethical approach I'll work my way around it... in a non-conflicting way of course.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
That's very general... and I don't even know how to begin responding to it right now.
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Not sure on that right now, so I'll pass this one up.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I don't really recall having very many trust issues. If I'm hesitant, it's not so much rooted in a lack of trust but rather a fear of conflict and rejection. Generally, I trust that people are good... like I'm never concerned about having something stolen or that I won't really be taken care of and given justice if something is stolen.
13. List some of the traits you:
Patient, a good listener, intuitive, generally calm, always open to learning, love exploring.
b) dislike most about yourself.
The mental traps I give myself in moving forward... mostly a lack of assertiveness and being so negatively affected by other people's hatred and negativity.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
How they feel... effortless empathy. Especially with kids and adolescents.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
If a stranger insults me I feel a pretty intense pain, hurt, and anger. Almost want to defend, but I don't want to cause a scene or add more fuel to the fire by falling to their level. It's easier to let go compared to someone I know. Like a stranger insult I might struggle with it for a day or a few hours (depending on severity), though someone I know may take months or more.
If a stranger compliments I'll take it and feel a bit good... just not nearly as powerful of an "up" as an insult is "down".
16. What's something you are:
a) thankful you have;
To be living where I am currently living. And my boyfriend, which is the easiest relationship I've ever had. :-)
b) wish you could have? Why?
A stronger sense of power within myself to simply be me so I can do more.