Help would be very much appreciated

There's a lot of words below so I'll keep it short.
It would be nice if anyone could attempt typing/trityping me.
If more information/elaboration is required, I could do that too.
I mean I sort of know what I might be already, but I'd rather not cloud your judgment.
Thanks in advance!


Main Questions

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I exist for the sake of existing. Of course I can't just drop dead now and leave everyone else hanging. I'm the only child so I have to look after my parents and all. Also I'm asian, if that makes the sentence before have any more sense. I don't know, right now nothing much drives me. I just want to live contently with my close friends and family.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Nothing much honestly. I've never had anything I wanted to do, everyone just told me to be happy and I grew up thinking her it doesn't matter as long as I'm happy. Well happy is difficult, so I can totally settle for content. O course being happy all the time is kind of not that great either. I just want to write out the stories I have in my head. It's a selfish reason; so that my and my other selves will be remembered. They've got intricate intertwining backstories, it won't be a horrible book I swear. If it is then well, you don't have to buy it anyway. I guess the other thing is to find a soulmate of sorts, but I'm not exactly attractive nor do I understand how relationships like that even work, some of those around me is just breaking up and getting together all the time. The rest at least have someone they like. Meh.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
Unprepared. I absolutely detest it when others want me to give a presentation when I've not prepared properly beforehand. In fact I hate talking about things that I don't know inside out. I hate being held accountable for things that I said when I'm not sure. Also kind of socially awkward so I tend to just stick to my own friends because it's awkward with other people since I don't know how they behave. I wouldn't want to be over domineering. There was a point when I was that close to being a bully to one of my close friends, I guess I couldn't help it since she was a pullover. Eventually I realized and it doesn't happen anymore. As for values. Well I detest betrayal. It's just a bad scar from long ago with my ex friend. The event was extremely unpleasant and dragged out and she was just a horrible horrible backstabber. Can't believe how I ignored all her flaws just because I pitied her when I first met her. Urgh.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
People talking behind my back; judging me. I never had so much anxiety and paranoia until that crap friend. She kind of just killed my visualization of human kind altogether. Although let me clarify that I will /not/ give her full credit for the change. It was everything else in my life snowballed together and she just tipped it, that's all. Also someone else like me. There's this junior that has my first and surname, only our chinese names differ. And somehow she gets her email as the standard first/sur@gmail while I am somehow stuck with the second choice chinese.sur@gmail which sucks because all my important emails get sent to her and I miss out so much on all the deadlines and opportunities. But she's nothing like me apart form that so I'm not that angry. Would totally kill anyone who looked and acted the way I did though. It's difficult enough being the eldest, useless female, grandchild. Stupid traditional grandparents gosh. Stupid youngest male grandchild too. I guess my sixteen years of existence isn't that meaningful to my father's side at all. My mum's side isn't like that though, thank goodness.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
That I can be depended on, probably. That I can do things and that I'm not useless. Also that I am me myself and I and no one else can be like me. For closer friends, it would mean a lot of they knew that they could depend on me. I see myself as a huge mess of a human that has not grown much at all for the past few years academically and all. The only thing I can say that I've done is that I know myself better now. But that's a huge lie since I obviously don't, otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for help.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I'd like to be useful maybe. I'd like to do things that I can do and do them well and do them better than other people that are grouped with me. I'd like to be appreciated for who I am and what I do. Of course no one really does that and I can't be bothered with a few of them already. I mean if you can't be bothered with me why should I care of you. Of course I probably still do care for some of them despite that. As for worst, it happens just about every time I realize that someone does something behind my back. Of course things like pleasant surprises are fine. I tend to regret posting things online right after I post them. I'm probably going to regret this post itself and try to delete it later on or edit out content. Apologies in advance.

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
I'm not all that angry. Well no I can be stupidly angry. It seems more like a defensive thing though. It's pretty much the way I behave to anyone that does something against me. It's an immediate thing and sometimes I cling on to detesting individuals to the point of wanting them dead and being willing to kill them if not for social norms. Of course it makes no sense to kill anyone in this day and age at all, so I'll just stay angry and leave it at that. If I ever did kill someone, I'd end up killing lots of other people that I dislike as well and probably kill myself right after that since there's no way I could live my life normally after that. Shame and anxiety? That's me quite a lot of the time. Perhaps more on shame though. My anxiety is more a nurtured aspect, so it's newer and I'm not that sure if it should be counted.

8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
Chronic procrastinator speaking, even under stress. I actually work well under stress. If I can't see the deadline, I won't do it until the last possible hours before it's required. Bad habits. Oh well. As for unexpected change I will flip the heck out. I like to be kept informed on things. Even if it's something like 'oh hey i cant take the bus with you today' I would flip out. Although that's a bad thing I realize, so I try not to do that. Try. Conflict. Well does it involve me? If it doesn't then I don't care. Unless I'm in one of my caring moods, I really wouldn't care. If it involves my friends I would care a lot though. And I'd stand up for them even if they're in the wrong. Which is another thing that I suck at. I kind of negate all the bad attributes of the other person once they're my friend.

9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Those are pretty vague terms. I respect authority I would think. I mean there's nothing particularly wrong with the governments here nor my parents and most other people are fine too. Except a handful that I would sack if I could since they're absolutely horrible. Power. Uhm. It's nice to have. But I don't need it that much. I can't use it properly anyway.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Life is really dry. Nothing happens. Humans keep making the same mistakes. We're indefinitely repeating history. We're preserving animals and plants and other lifeforms that aren't supposed to continue living. We don't allow extinction, we don't want change. All change is bad unless it benefits us. Interactions between people are mostly selfish acts. Even if people help you, it's probably just because they feel good for helping you, they do it because it makes them feel good. If they give advice, it's because they want to be the ones that you think of when you use the advice, or again because it makes them feel better. It's ugly I guess, but true to me at least. Of course despite that there are still simple joys here, there, everywhere. Just have to dig them up and know how to appreciate them, as with the rest of life I guess. And overall it's all okay.

@Colly

I'll start by saying how powerful your post is and thanking you for your honesty. Now, let's get what seems most obvious to me out of the way; you are unhealthy and have disintegrated.

Now this is where it gets tricky; I see a lot of 9 => 6 disintegration as well as general 9 traits among all the unhealthiness. At the same time, I see an amazing understanding of a 2's "dark side". If you have come to realize the underlying motives behind helping others through recognizing them in yourself, it speaks for an unhealthy 2. Couple that with a desire to appear useful and type 2 is a strong contender.

And in both cases I see the presence of a 1 wing. When it comes to variants I'm going with sp/sx at the moment, though I'm not sure at all.

I'm favoring 9w1 sp/sx, but 2w1 is very close behind. In any case, I see a person with a severely damaged positive outlook and I'm going to bet that your general outlook was much more positive in the past. As cynical as you might appear, I can't shake the feeling that at your core you are positive for some reason.

I'm interested in what @Wake thinks of this.

@Colly
Due to issues with the messaging system when I started your analysis, then put my computer on sleep to return later, the message was lost and I'm livid.

You're a 6w7, definitely.

This free chart is a great place to start in understanding the Enneagram types.
TypeWatch and Timeless are my most trusted sources.
This site is pretty reliable as well theenneagram...info from the underground

If you take issue with differences in the Enneagram types then you're welcomed to look into the misidentification page or the other misidentification page written by Riso-Hudson (found under the PerC subforum articles also) to help you make sense of differences.

@Colly
I'll take a more thorough look tomorrow, but so far I'm thinking 6w7>9w1>??? Sp/Sx

Thanks all of you!
I've no clue how to tag people yet so. //cough

Loveternity
I'd have to agree with the disintegration part, it's always been obvious that I'm not all that healthy although I tend to hover towards normal at times. More so in real life than in typing. I've never considered 9w1 as a possible one, although from what I just scanned through, all that about anger denial, it might be possible. As for 2w1, I tried typing my past self a few times before and she turned out as that so wow interesting! Of course I might have mistyped her, but yes. Thank you very much for for the rest of your post and adding Wake to this.

Wake
Awfully sorry about that, it really sucks when you lose all that was typed like that. I've got a connection with 6w7 as well, though it's not exactly myself. I've never noticed that chart on that site and apart from typewatch and timeless, I've not seen the rest before either. I shall read them right after this. Thank you.

Swordsman of Mana
Thanks. I await your reply.

---- ---- ---- ----

Anyway, more information, or questions rather, for anyone with time.

One thing that I find difficulty with when typing myself is that I'm not entirely sure who I am. I've got a few original characters hanging around, all of which I can relate to. At first I didn't notice it, but earlier this year, someone commented that the way I wrote about them seemed like they were headmates and I would trust her to an extent since she claims to have them too. And then suddenly everyone, okay not everyone, just three others had them too. And their's were like not sharing memories, blocking out each other, hoarding the control of the person and erasing past memories and everything, they were also able to communicate inside their minds in fully furnished houses and everything. The one that pointed out to me, she dreams about/as them apparently and she's got this whole folder full of information on each and every one of them. And I'm just sitting here. when I look into my head it's this black void. :/ But before this I used to think that I might have really had them, and they were always piloting together inside of alone since it was more rational seeing the stuff that goes on when others let their headmates do it alone. At that time I thought that I, as in, past me, was not conscious anymore. Up until a few days back, or even now in fact, I have doubts about whether the one typing is me, me or headmate, or combo.

I guess it's more of a persona/depersonalization thing when it comes down to the enneagram. Wow huge chunk of text that is suddenly rendered useless. :I Anyway, there's 5 of us altogether, including me. Oh yes, it might be good to note that they were all created, in a sense, to help me. In rough order of creation, there's ?w?(untyped as unstable, first to appear but still not properly defined, tend not to think much about this one), 1w9, 1w2, ?w?(untyped as flat personality) and 6w7. And, again, past me turned out as 2w1. I used to think that I was a 5w4, then a 4w5, and then back to 5w4, and now with all your feedback I just don't know. :b Yea. I'm probably horrible at typing from what's going on now, so... welp.

For the Myer Briggs one, I've been constantly taking those for a few years now. Almost always an INTJ. I won't say it fits perfectly, but that's just what I end up with. Sometimes the S and N are tied at 50-50, so I somehow end up with ISTJ. Other rare times, I end up as INTP. Yep. Okay. I'm done again.

@Colly

What you said about having "headmates" got me thinking and searching for information and I'm still split. I can see the reasoning behind you being typed as a 6, but I can't shake the feeling that you might be an unhealthy 9.

At the same time I also think that losing oneself in a persona is a strong hint at an image/heart type (type 4 less so since they're so aware of the persona), so again... I don't know. =(

Perhaps what would help you find out your type is asking yourself this: why are these "headmates" there? What is their purpose? Why do you need them, why did you create them, what is it that you desire so much?

I wish I could help, but I looked up so much information that I only confused myself even more. =P

Loveternity
Yea, they make it so much more complicated than it already is. Haha sorry for confusing you too.

The first one, the ?w?, to detach myself from the trauma.
The 1w9 and 1w2 were actually part of the ?w?, but they 'sprouted' off.
1w9, most likely mistyped, this one reinforces the depersonalization, things like not intervening and being highly observational. She's very rational, quiet and minds her own business, while she doesn't act much, she takes pride in stating facts and explaining them until it is obvious that she's got it correct. Her main goal, in the story/otherworld, was to save the 1w2. It took her many reincarnations of planning and deduction.
The 1w2, possibly also mistyped, is here as a reminder that we're still caged in our life. We can't just leave. She'll willingly take action to alter things, if she's allowed to. She's a little flat though, just an innocent individual that wants to do her best. While sympathetic, if something doesn't concern her, she won't bother about it and also quite picky when others are not aware of her status. In contrast with the previous one where she really doesn't seem care what anyone else thinks.
The second ?w?. This one is very flat, but I'm working on it. She's kind of curiosity for things, but is restricted due to the path of choices that she made. She's not really alive, nor entirely dead. She resides in a medium body of water and cries unconsciously, mostly because you can't differentiate tears and water when you're in water.
The 6w7 came about when I realized just how emotionless and boring I'd become. This one is quite energetic despite all her inner anxiety. She's the most light hearted, but also perhaps the deepest of all of them. Very clingy to a certain individual, not romantically though, more out of obligation.

Mostly it seems they're here to help me handle life. the 1w9 kicks in when there's a lot of stress with angry people everywhere, she'll kick in and say, not out loud, something like 'Just stay quiet, honestly it's not worth your time' and sometimes also 'don't worry so much, it's just one life of the many others that you'll lead'. The 6w7 is the way I interact with other people, I can't just keep to myself forever yea, social connections with other people and all. This is also where the 1w2 comes in with all the sympathy and understanding, otherwise it'd just be two rather depressive personalities, of of which that doesn't really care, trying to cheer up the other party and that doesn't work out very well. I'm not allowed to exercise forms of sorrow or frustration in my life, so that's where the last two ?w?s come in. The one that cries is always crying in my sub consciousness, so there's the sorrow. The other one is metaphorically locked up at the bottom, she's very murderous and hungry for blood, but also quite broken, she'd be likely to kill herself after killing everyone. Yea that's why I keep her locked up.

I'm not sure if I created them or if they created themselves. It seems like they're a result of trying to organize my thoughts. Except the 6w7, I think that one was purposely created.

What is it that I desire so much.
At this moment, I really don't have any satisfying answer.

EDIT:
Ahhh! I just realised something else. It fustrates me to no end when other people don't realise what I have to go through. Last night, I wouldn't say I tried my absolute best, but it was a horribly difficult thing to do for me, so I tried to my semi best I guess and my father laughed at me. The 'lolwtfisthis' kind of laugh. I mean honestly he didn't have to do that. Right after that I semi fling my book onto the table and then he gets all pissy and starts shouting and everything. This morning my mother came up to me and reminded me of it saying that I made no sense at all to them last night and assumed that I didn't know what I was doing either. And then the flu bug that I thought was gone, came back today stronger than before. And it took them almost 3/4 of a day to realise that I am obvious unwell. Which then bring to mind something like, why not I just tell them that I'm not well, right? Well I honestly don't know. I just don't want to tell them. I tried hinting early on in the morning and the first thing my mother did was to get angry and say something rather unrelated like, 'if you want we have to go to xxx clinic'. (Because it's a sunday and only 24 hour clinics like xxx are open.) I mean like what? What does that mean. I'm here trying to explain to you that I am ill and then instead of asking what is wrong or do you want to go to see a doctor, it's if you /want/, then we have to do this. It just irritates me to no end that no one knows what I need from them. I mean an acknowledgement that yes, my daughter is unwell, we should bring her to the doctor even if she continues to deny it. And yes, I don't understand what the hell she just said, but it's not easy for her, so maybe I shouldn't laugh in her face. My problem with this is that I'm not sure if the anger is legitimate or just something to mask up the inner sorrow because after all incidents like that I do have the urge to just breakdown.