I'm realizing that the past few years since, I decided to really start expressing myself were really fighting the core belief of being unworthy/unlovable/insignificance that defines type nines. I went first to embracing success, working hard, great grades, leadership positions, the works. Seeking value through power and knowledge, this went on and culminated last year when I finally had a girlfriend for all of two weeks before moving. This last year has been the lack of the drive, all the success, and power built, was gone. I could no longer put faith in that method of satisfying that need. In the process, I started to disintegrate, seeking to grasp that core belief. I was lonely, and seeking connection, which was not good especially compounded with a sense of existential failure. I feel like I've changed for the worse. Now, I feel like I'm finally adapting back, I'm still unsatisfied with my relationships, and self. But now, I see the issue a bit more clearly. I still don't know the solution, but I can at least stop the manifestations, and try to return to a neutral point to launch another attempt, using what I've learned. I still hate that feeling of failure and still not having someone close, but I'm coming to terms that what I've thought about is a idealized version, and while it won't be what I think, it won't be as bad without. I'm stuck somewhere between giving up all together and realizing how dramatic that statement is. However, the world is beautiful and people are kind, my sojourn through this world is a task of discovery, meaning is what you make it.