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Traumatic experience altering the personality

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This is a discussion on Traumatic experience altering the personality within the Type 8 Forum - The Challenger forums, part of the Body Triad - Types 8,9,1 category; Originally Posted by cir Who I was back then is not who I am today. Hell, who I was yesterday ...

  1. #11
    Type 8w9

    Quote Originally Posted by cir View Post
    Who I was back then is not who I am today. Hell, who I was yesterday is not who I am today. Such is the experience of Holy Law. Back when I was in college like six-seven years ago, I must've been experiencing and going through a lot of traumatic events (depends on how you count) (though college was pretty traumatic now that I think about it...), because the people around me kept saying "You've changed" every four months or so. Most of the time, "You've changed" was a compliment, meaning I changed for the better. When it wasn't said as a compliment, after I think about two years of them needing to say this, they probably started wondering whether they should be afraid.

    Innocence: the memories are still there in my head somewhere, but my feelings for them are not. Once I let out the pain from those memories, I found a relieving, peaceful feeling of nothingness. Healing only starts once the pain has been acknowledged and felt. The pain of my past is no longer a part of who I am. Unless I am responding to a question regarding my personal past, I don't really think of my past anymore. I haven't really thought about it for a really long time...

    It's difficult for me remember now. The hardest part about this topic for me is that I've written about these things before. Most of these posts are very very early in my posting history. Damn, that was two years ago. Well, at least it's written down somewhere, and since I only talked about those things on PerC, there's really only one place to look. Something something Holy Origin and trying to find my roots again... Now I need to find a vbulletin scrapper so I can retrieve those old posts and integrate them into a personal journal. So that I can remember how I used to be and assess growth and lessons learned. And I look to see that I've written 700 posts, knowing that most of them are very long, and I go "wtf have I been doing with my life?" But it's been pretty rewarding.

    Part of integration involves reorganizing one's thoughts and changing the meaning of events which have happened in the past. There's this strange irony because some of the most traumatic experiences in my life happened while doing acid + ecstasy, where I needed to access deeply buried memories of my traumatic childhood, but I learned a process from there that really helped with putting the shattered pieces of my psyche/soul together, and now I'm trying to repeat this sober. The long, hard way. Where the pain is in the tediousness of this process rather than something tragically inflicted. *sigh* Which involves a process of recollecting memories, trying to remember how I felt, and compare to whether I have any feelings about it now.

    And like a good variant of type nine, I'm going to procrastinate on it. Do I need to do this? No. But since I want to do it, I'm sure I'll get to it. New Years resolution 2016.

    Writing and reading it out again will help with intrapersonal communication, which is very much a neglected aspect of any enneagram literature I've read. Especially because the "A Forward Model of Motor Control" diagram matches another diagram I've came across before, which might've been credited to the Arica Institute.

    On the process enneagram, I would rate this thread as "in the nadir" (points 4-5). Like, on the regular enneagram symbol, zoom in on point eight. But when you zoom in, there's another enneagram symbol there, and points four and five are lit the brightest. This is where eights are most unique from each other.

    For example, most other eights, hell, most people posting in the enneagram forum broadly use other typing systems, but I'm an enneagram specialist.
    Unrelated somewhat, but do you associate grief with nadir? I see a very clear correlation between certain parts of the life journey and points on the enneagram.
    cir thanked this post.

  2. #12
    Unknown

    Constantly being misunderstood as a child and growing up in an environment I hated caused me to act out. Being constantly forced into doing things I didn't want to developed my rage, scepticism of the world, and hatred for people.
    As a child I was brought to different psychologists at a very early age, possibly at aged 12, maybe earlier. Again, I went along because I was forced to, knowing that I wasn't the problem.
    Each psychologist I went to, I lied and played along with. I suppose thinking back it became a game for me, and also gave me an excuse for acting out.
    When I got into secondary school (aged 12-18) I noticed the misunderstanding's happening again, with my fellow students as well as teachers. I was often ridiculed for the questions I asked.
    At age 15 I adopted a personality that allowed me to become free from ridicule. I began insulting teachers and questioning their methods. Using my body language and probing to cause discomfort.

    By age 16 I was physically violant regularly enough to develop a name for myself. Around this time I started smoking, drinking, getting arrested, had a girlfriend, a group of people I associated with, and was able to go to parties uninvited with my group. At that time I had been suspended from school from time to time and was still playing games. I just could not find a valid reason to let these people in.

    I pushed my old associates out of my life and got in with the heavy drug/party crowd and slowly started losing my mind. This started happening at about 18-20. My girlfriend and I broke up, and I became afraid of everything. I went on two different types of medication for my anxiety and depression, one failed suicide attempt, and had to have an injection taken once a month to keep my mood levels balanced. Deep down I still wonder why this happened.

    I came off the medication under my own free will, went to college with and with out it, but never found a reason to complete each course I paid for. My hate for people still existed. I got to a stage where I was so terrified I couldn't go to the shop to buy a drink.

    After coming off the medication I went back to my doctor and explained how I felt. He told me I may be borderline schizophrenic. This was the moment I realised everything was total nonsense and had to get away from it all.

    I pushed everyone away and spent 3 years on my own. I forced myself to enjoy my own company. I wrote 4 journals documenting my thoughts and can't find the courage to read what I've written. I've tried, but they're just so uncomfortable. I have no idea why I still have them, but if I lost them I'd be destroyed.

  3. #13
    Type 8w7

    Quote Originally Posted by Entropic View Post
    Unrelated somewhat, but do you associate grief with nadir? I see a very clear correlation between certain parts of the life journey and points on the enneagram.
    Yes. Type fours are "ego-melancholy", and "melancholy" means "sad". Sad is also the basic emotion of the heart center; it's just really really concentrated at point four. After something important is gone, there is soul-crushing pain and despair, where everything feels hopeless, and it becomes difficult to find a reason to live. Anguish is "extreme pain, either of body or mind; excruciating distress". And which type fears all of that? Sevens.

    Think of why in Maitri's Spiritual Dimensions book, the chapter that is most relevant to someone is the one they have the hardest time finishing.

    It's written in the back of the Wisdom of the Enneagram somewhere, and also in some random psychology articles I've read, that people have a hard time letting go of their childhood pain, because for a lot of people, "it's all they've ever known". And so the ego defenses are formed to shield and hide people from that pain. (Image center involves hiding things from one's own awareness.) But then, as time goes on, people forgot about their pain. Vaguely, "time heals all wounds", but sort of not really, because it's more like it's forgotten than healed. So when people revisit those old painful memories, even though it's painful, people don't want to let it go because they believe their past is a part of who they are today (shame), and their experience in overcoming that pain contributes to their identity and sense of self-worth (ego).

    On the process enneagram, after you pass the mechanical shock at point three, "things are never the same". If people will not gracefully choose death with honor and dignity, then death will be forced upon them disgracefully and mercilessly. Sadly, many people cling to familiarity. It doesn't need to hurt anymore, but they choose to continue to be in pain. Because familiarity that is no longer there is a type of death. Death leads to grief. For some people, their identity is all they've ever known, and passing through the nadir means death and rebirth of the ego. But people fear death. Holy Hope, the carrot, says there will be something better on the other side. And if people won't willingly accept death, then Holy Will, the stick, will force them to let go of their life. Humiliation, a type eight fear, inflicts death on identities well beyond the grave, and if suffered while alive, is felt very viscerally throughout the body. I definitely don't agree with this, but in some societies, if someone is guilty of something, then the entire family/bloodline is punished.

    But in my case, I've already gotten over the pain from my past. The past isn't holding me back anymore. Now it's like visiting a graveyard of all of my previous incarnations. It's so hard to remember ourselves, and that's why memorials are important.

    And at point five, those who do not learn from history's mistakes are doomed to repeat them. One of the functions of war memorials is to remind people how expensive and costly wars are to humanity, in terms of the number of lives that were lost. It's why people should try to resolve conflicts peacefully, and direct violence and other forms of hard power should only be used as a last resort.
    Donovan and Entropic thanked this post.

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  5. #14
    Type 8w7

    First off, I'm sorry about what happened to you Stiletto. I am. I can grasp a good bit of this.
    As for what had affected me, I was sexually abused as a child for a number of years. I also grew up watching and attempting to intervene, in the domestic violence that happened daily in my life. I was (It took me years to come to terms with this), sexually assaulted by my somewhat older girlfriend. I managed to fall in with a rather wrong crowd, due to virtue of the fact these were the first friends I had, I'd been bullied most of my life. I had to leave a secondary school due to the bullying that happened when my orientation and religious affiliation came to light. The next school was where I met the wrong crowd. I rather enjoyed their company, they were all like me nearly, and I was rarely sober for the next while. When I was 15 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year and a half. Boy came from quite a privileged background. I'm quite amazed I even got a good course in college, considering everything. I was raped in January 2015. I also have mental health issues, though I haven't needed medication for a year.
    I'm getting help for well, everything. But I'd say it's what made me an 8 honestly. My sister we kept sheltered from most of it. She's 13 and a 3.
    Curiously the 1w2 male I'm seeing, was also from a harsh background. I met a 5 as well, and a cp 6. Most of those I know from backgrounds like mine seem to be either ones, eights, fives or sixes. Is there a reason for that? *gestures at more knowledgeable forumers for answers)

    There's some other stuff I didn't mention, since I was trying to pick out what affected me most, and while I thought that stuff was bad, it didn't affect me that much, like my mother's alcohol issues when I was younger.
    drmiller100 and stiletto thanked this post.

  6. #15
    Type 8w7

    Quote Originally Posted by Hellfire View Post
    Curiously the 1w2 male I'm seeing, was also from a harsh background. I met a 5 as well, and a cp 6. Most of those I know from backgrounds like mine seem to be either ones, eights, fives or sixes. Is there a reason for that? *gestures at more knowledgeable forumers for answers)

    .
    all types CAN have the similar background obviously.

    This is my own, personal, unique perspective I have not run into. I don't like people who play the victim card. And when I am in a bad place in my life, I have no extra energy to protect or fix or save victims. And when I am in a bad place in life, I sort of end up "noticing" other people who are not victims. I think the types you mention are least likely to play victims when they are in a bad place in life.
    Stilletto will never be confused with a victim, although she had some bad shit in her life. I mean that as an example of my argument.
    Hellfire thanked this post.

  7. #16
    Type 8w7

    Quote Originally Posted by drmiller100 View Post
    all types CAN have the similar background obviously.

    This is my own, personal, unique perspective I have not run into. I don't like people who play the victim card. And when I am in a bad place in my life, I have no extra energy to protect or fix or save victims. And when I am in a bad place in life, I sort of end up "noticing" other people who are not victims. I think the types you mention are least likely to play victims when they are in a bad place in life.
    Stilletto will never be confused with a victim, although she had some bad shit in her life. I mean that as an example of my argument.
    I think you're right. I just see it as my life, and so would they. So then conversely I'm curious now, what types do you think are most likely to play the victim card?
    drmiller100 thanked this post.

  8. #17
    Type 8

    Many definitions of four pretty much are "playing the victim card".

  9. #18

    It's really strong of you to share this.

    Sounds like you had an ACE score of a really shitty start but fought it with a really high resilience.

    Got Your ACE Score? « ACEs Too High

    Kudos
    drmiller100, Entropic and stiletto thanked this post.

  10. #19
    Type 8w9

    Quote Originally Posted by HighwayMan View Post
    It's really strong of you to share this.

    Sounds like you had an ACE score of a really shitty start but fought it with a really high resilience.

    Got Your ACE Score? « ACEs Too High

    Kudos
    Thanks for this. You should make a thread under Psychology for this test alone.

    My ACE = 6
    Resilience = 10


    My husband (estimate)
    ACE = 6
    Resilience = 10

    Which is exactly the same as mine (although his answers would be different for each question). Hmmm, that explains a lot. Good deduction.
    Last edited by stiletto; 01-03-2016 at 09:47 PM.
    drmiller100 thanked this post.

  11. #20
    Type 8w7

    Quote Originally Posted by Brains View Post
    Many definitions of four pretty much are "playing the victim card".
    2, 4, 9


     
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