[Memento]

How do you know when the line between strong introversion and isolation becomes blurred? . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonight and there would be only type 5s there, I'd go.

It is the first decent hot dry evening this year. Finally I got out of the house this afternoon and had an inexpensive supper at a local drop-in center. Did not talk with anyone, spent some time writing on a paper that I am working on, and found out that there was a movie tonight that I wanted to see at the local alternative cinema. So later this evening I walked there for the 9pm showing of the film.

Unfortunately tonight's showing was at 7pm not 9pm. I debated whether to watch the movie that they were showing at 9pm. It looked interesting. But money is quite tight currently as I am borrowing into my line of credit and I decided to return on Wednesday or Thursday to watch the movie that I came to see. I began the walk back to my apartment.

A couple of blocks from the theater and I was approaching a pair of ducks who were standing in the middle of a sidewalk that was about two meters wide from the building to the street, and I began plotting a path to walk on the road so as to not disturb them. The female was quite busy preening herself. The male appeared to be wondering why she had to do it there. Walking towards the ducks and myself from the other direction was a woman, already much closer to them I was. She stepped onto the road and walked passed them. As she returned to the sidewalk and passed between me and the ducks she either grinned or smiled (it can be difficult to tell when you are slightly shortsighted) as if to say that she was not crazy. I passed the ducks and stopped as I returned to the sidewalk and looked back.

"Would you be impulsive enough to join me for a movie at the Princess?" That is what I had a strong impulse to say. But I hesitated and the moment was gone. Opportunities coincide with impulses too rarely. Another woman who this aging loner might see again in the room of mirrors when he looks back at what might have been and reflects on the reality of who he is.

[VivianeScrooge]

Isolation, I'm going through the same. Follow your urge, don't distract your self from your desire and go meet someone.

[Curiously]

I wonder if I'll be in a similar predicament in about 10 years. I reckon if I am immensely bothered by any self-imposed isolation, I'll be proactive to engage in some form of socialization. Sometimes, when I'm grocery shopping especially, I'll take note of the individuals shopping alone like myself. I'm certain some of them are introverted types who won't naturally make the effort to initiate conversation with others, so we're all on the same boat. This is why I'll have to muster up the cheerfulness to chat with someone who interests me. We'll talk about how good the flat-leaf parsley is...

Anyway, it's best to stop over-analyzing and just get out sometimes to break the monotony. I wouldn't guarantee we'll meet someone new right away, but it's a start getting oneself out rather than remaining indoors wondering.

[sleepyhead]

How do you know when the line between strong introversion and isolation becomes blurred?

I'm not sure if it is depression or what, but I stay at home all the time when I'm not working. Part of me wants to just sit in my room online or reading in bed all day and the other part of me feels this urgency to get out...It feels like such a huge burden and chore.

I really related to this, even though I do have a partner I intend to be with in the long term. Our connection and things between us are just fine.

But in other parts of my life - basically every other part - I feel like I'm straddling the line between introversion and isolation. I don't feel the urgency to connect with others in a meaningful way, but to just interact with the outside world more. I definitely feel like I hold myself back. I moved a few months ago and since then I've sort of been nesting, but now it's been almost 5 months and I feel like I barely know my new neighbourhood. The thought of just going for a walk around makes me anxious even though in my old neighbourhood I spent a lot of time outside in the nearby parks.

I feel like I might be straying too far into isolation and I also spend most of my time away from work in my home. My close friends just arrived home after being away for a few months and I now realize I was hoping their return would force me out of my comfort zone more. But now that they're back I realize it's only going to be me who can do that. I've spent the last few days trying to challenge all my automatic thoughts and tendencies but it's starting to really stress me. I don't have an issue with being introverted because I know that's just the kind of person I am, but it feels like I'm avoiding making plans or commitments more than is usual for me. Parts of my life feel like its more under control than ever before and other parts make me feel like such a mess. I'm really struggling with my SP tendencies right now

[gps1784]

Wait. So you mean there are other people that sit at home JUST LIKE ME, read for fun JUST LIKE ME, and wan to find others, but understand that they're at home, too?

I know how to find some other 5s. Let's throw a super-epic party, and all the 5s will still be hanging around at the coffee shop!

[Tommy Ophidia]

I can definitely relate. Most of the people I once knew are married, have kids, or have a long term partner. Yet here I sit at the ripe old age of 21 without so much as an ex. I did almost date a guy once but quickly realized he lied about his entire existence to me. Naturally I went into a fit of rage destroying his life. Literally, it was quite terrifying even to myself to feel such a blind hate for one person. Straight guys steer CLEAR of me. Looking back even still a large part of me thinks, "he totally deserved that." I learned a lot from that experience...mostly that cheating on an extrovert will get you yelled at but cheating on an introvert will probably mean sabotage. What else do you think happens in our brains after reading so many Stephen King books? After that I've not only been afraid of being hurt but afraid of what I'll do to the person who hurts me. So I've become even more isolated. Even still sharing a life with nothing but my dying plants I try so hard to keep alive sounds incredibly depressing. Even for a loner like me. My advice would be to go to your local independent coffee shop. Many of them have bulletins for people trying to start book clubs, game nights or other things. If not maybe you could suggest one. But go slow. Things like this drain our energy like no ones business.
Also maybe this is just me but I've been to bars/clubs and that is not where people usually meet "The One". It's for hookups, maybe a short term relationship or two and that's about it.

[Incorporeal]

I'm so glad to have found this thread. This is exactly what I've been thinking about lately.

Exactly! The great conundrum of the type 5, I guess. :(

I'm still trying to figure out if I am actually a type 5 as others online seem to think I am type 4 or 6. But I keep coming back to 5 because I feel "at home" here with the 5 posts. They resonate with me so much.

It seems others think type 5s are PERFECTLY content with solitude. I doubt many humans can be totally content their entire lives as hermits. Everyone needs some form of intimacy, even if it is limited. This is my dilemma. The desire for companionship but only if it fits my exacting criteria (which I know seems ridiculous, petty and snobbish but it's the truth). I think the reasons type 5s are so specific about who they chose to spend their time with is because we SO much enjoy time alone. Why would I spend time with anyone I did not enjoy being around when I can have just as good a time, if not better, in my own mind. It's just a logical conclusion to come to. I think many people "settle" for friends/lovers they may not necessarily enjoy being around because they really loathe the idea of being alone with their own thoughts/ideas for too long a time?

Anyway, yes, Mouse, you're much better at articulating your point concisely. All the responses are just reaffirming my type.

Thanks, guys.

I'd thank you for creating the thread and for posting what I've quoted above, especially, but I suppose it would be fairly moot since you're retired. Anyway:

This whole post depicts with enviable economy and precision the “dilemma,” as you put it, with which I'm currently confronted. Indeed, the bolded in particular depicts my own thought processes with almost unnerving familiarity. I like being alone. I need to be alone. But I also feel a desire for companionship, if only as an abstract idea over substantial relationships with other human beings (another story for another day, perhaps).

Thankfully, I've admitted this to myself (though not prior to entering an immature phase sustained by considerable avoidance supported by rationalization to the effect of: “I'm a special hermit snowflake who doesn't need anyone or any interaction with the external world of any kind.” Derp.).

In keeping with my penchant for self-sabotage, however, I am apparently unable (or rather, unwilling, I'm sure, which remains a functional equivalent in the interim) to compromise in the slightest on the qualifying proviso that any and every potential interaction is only “worthy” of my time and energy if it meets a demanding, arbitrary set of criteria which serve to demonstrate that it promises to rise above a minimally requisite level of “value” in terms of what it offers me (fulfillment, entertainment, etc.) before involvement is justified.

This is basically my overly formal, reductionist way of saying that everyone and everything is presumptively “not worth my time,” and that I look for every excuse to be lazy, disengaged, and maintain uncontested my protective “quantum of indifference” routine.

To be clear, when I say “not worth my time,” I don't mean it in an arrogant or condescending way; it's not that I feel superior to other people (or even that they have nothing of value to offer me). It's simply my preemptive appraisal that what value pursuing most relationships may hold simply isn't worth the effort—in no small part, as I've alluded, because I have such obscene standards/expectations in terms of a “return” on my “investment.”

So, yeah . . . overthinking . . . .

[Qadosh]

@Incorporeal

I'm glad you posted and bumped this thread up so I happened to come across it because OP's post basically describes exactly the same dilemma I've been pondering for years. I want to stay in isolation while simultaneously wanting to go and "connect" with people, whatever that may mean, to stave off the loneliness that comes with isolation. Why does my brain want to be alone but also want to have relationships with people? Stupid brain.

Although it doesn't help me to fix the problem, it's nice to know I'm not the only person like this.

[Sea Anenome]

Although I'm not the OP, I could have written her post as it describes my life exactly. I'm in my mid-30s and have never had a romantic relationship, never had sex, and never even kissed anyone. My existence is one of friendlessness and isolation...and that doesn't really bother me. I can literally stay inside my 530 square foot home for days at a time and be perfectly content to entertain myself with books, DVDs, games, and the internet. I only leave when I have to work or get groceries.

On a subconscious level I suppose I have a desire for a romantic relationship because I keep reactivating my OKCupid profile...only to disable it again a couple weeks later when I get skittish. I fully acknowledge that I'm emotionally unavailable and that my attachment style is "dismissive avoidant" - I wear these terms like a badge of honor. I think I could only successfully partner with a similarly emotionally unavailable Type 5 INTJ so that we could be "alone together".

Where does Enneagram 5/INTJ end and Schizoid Personality Disorder begin? Should I be worried that I have such a strong preference for isolation and emotional distance?

[Drift]

How do you know when the line between strong introversion and isolation becomes blurred? I've always enjoyed being alone but now, at almost 40, I find myself alone and lonely. I've never been married and the worst part is, I'm beginning to realize this is my own fault.

.... Do other 5s have this dilemma? You want to meet someone, but the thought of going through all the motions to find that one right person is just so utterly exhausting you give up before you start? This really sucks.

I was so stupid to not be looking for Mr. Right in college and in my 20s, etc. I didn't even consider wanting to marry until the last few years but now I realize, hey wait a minute...I don't really want to spend the rest of my life alone! But I just don't think many men would understand that I would want to have separate bedrooms/bathrooms and how much space and private time I truly need.

That awkward moment when you read a comment and get shocked about the likelihood that your life in 20 years time will be like what you've just read.