Type Four - The Romantic
Fours are motivated by the need to understand their feelings, to search for what is missing and for what life means, and to avoid being ordinary. They are "romantic" in the sense of having an imaginative or artistic view about their own personality.
Twos, Threes, and Fours constitute the heart center of the Enneagram. Fours need to express their feelings and need to be seen as special. Since they compare reality with what could be, they find fault with who they are and what they have.
Fours at their BEST are:
Fours at their WORST are:
- Emotionally needy
- Easily hurt
What a Four would say about himself:"People are attracted to me for my creativity, warmth, and depth of feelings. I am in touch with the sorrowful and tragic aspects of life. Being misunderstood is especially painful to me. I long, or have longed, for the perfect soul mate to come along. I am, or have been, attracted to unattainable, unavailable, or inappropriate people. I am supportive and compassionate, especially when someone is in a crisis. Life seems terribly mundane and boring at times. I easily soak up others' pain. I sometimes feel melancholy; I pity myself and long for what others have that I do not have. I am drawn to what is intense and out of the ordinary. I have many dreams and ideals, but sometimes I have a hard time actualizing them. I feel things more deeply than the average person and suspect those who always act happy. I have a rich and active imagination and like to put things together in new ways. I have a flair for clothes and enjoy looking off-beat. I often feel self-conscious. I believe I am flawed at a deep level. It has been difficult to find a relationship in which I really feel loved. Sometimes my love interest or partner seems more attractive to me when he or she is away. I try to hold my feelings back so they won't scare people off. I have been or have felt abandoned."
Fours with a strong Three wing (4w3) tend to be energetic, active, outgoing, competitive, ambitious, attention-seeking, and elitist. They often are more lively.
Fours with a strong Five wing (4w5) tend to be objective, quiet, unconventional, original, enigmatic, alienated, pessimistic, analytical, and withdrawn. They often are more responsible with a more contemplative or intellectual personality.
Occasionally, people present the persona of one of their wings - rather than their actual type - to the outside world.
Things Fours Would Never Dream of Doing...
- Describing their twenty-page journal entry to their partner in two minutes
- Finding the decor of a room offensive and ignoring it
- Overhearing spiteful accusations and gossip about themselves, laughing it off lightly, and not dropping in their self-esteem level
- Receiving a terrible review of their performance by the only critic they respect and not getting depressed
- Not giving one moment's thought to finding a unique outfit to wear on their date with the person of their dreams
- Deciding that thirty minutes is more than enough time to lament over the end of a relationship
- Feeling totally proud of their mundane job
- Talking about only the happy events from their childhood, and even if they think of only one, repeating that one over and over
How to Get Along with Fours:
- Appreciate their creativity, perception, and depth of feeling
- Don't push them to socialize, especially the Introverted Fours
- Acknowledge their feelings and changing moods, and be honest about how these affect you
- Encourage them to collect more information when they feel offended to see if there was a misunderstanding
- Show your love frequently
- Keep in mind that criticism can activate their feels of shame
- But remember, it is not good for anyone to be controlled by moods or fragility
- Be honest in a caring way about how it affects you when they are unrealistic, overly sensitive, or have their heads in the clouds
- Don't offer easy solutions for their pain
- Try to lighten them up only when they truly want you to do so
- Be understanding about their need to process and express their feelings
How to Give Fours Extra Support:
- Help them feel safe about expressing their intense feelings and anger
- Try to be strong and stay centered when they do their push-pull game. Be honest about how you feel about this, however.
- Understand their need for independence and autonomy
- Encourage them to take pleasure in the present, to be creative (through writing, art, music, dance, etc.,), and to put their work out into the world
- Encourage them to find a meaningful career where they can use their compassion-Excepts from "Are You My Type, Am I Yours?" by Renee Baron & Elizabeth WageleI am by no means an expert, but I do have this book and thought others might find it interesting. There is more info regarding how each type view/relate/get along with the other eight types, and I might add that too, although probably in a separate thread.