[devono]

My bf, who is a 7, often makes statements about other women being 'sexy, beautiful, hot, delicious' etc. This normally wouldn't bother me, but [I]none[I] of them looked anything like me. He made an off-handed comment when we first started dating about a girl at the gym who he thought was 'smoking hot'. She looks skeletally thin to me. I thought, 'if that's what he thinks is hot, i must look like a total cow to him'. This led to a 6mo eating disorder, exercise and diet pill abuse. I got down to a size 4, which he said he appreciated. I became obsessed with the girl at the gym, tormenting myself that i'd never look like that, fantasizing that if I could just stop eating, i could be thin enough to be really hot to him. He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.



I vary between self-hatred for not being his 'type' and hating him and wanting to hurt him. I act vague and unavailable to mess with him. I go places with him, constantly scanning the room for tall, thin women that I can compare myself to and torment myself over then I act like a bitch to punish him.

I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong.

He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it". he feels like as long as it's not something he acts on, it's ok. he thinks i'm crazy because he's never been anything but good to me, which is true. he's a loving, affectionate, generous, fun partner. But this is making me want to run away.

how can i help myself? advice, please. i'm sure other 4s know what i'm talking about.

[Staryu]

no offense, but if he doesn't like you for who you are and your not happy in this relationship then you shouldn't be dating him. age-old advice, very true indeed.

[devono]

it's not that simple, we love each other. aside from this issue we have a pretty happy relationship. i don't feel special, he claims i'm the most special because he's with me and no one else. i don't want to junk a great relationship over this issue but it's driving me crazy.

[Aqualung]

I could be wrong but it sounds like he may be testing you. Some people will see what lengths someone will go to just to stay with them. It's a control issue that feeds his ego. He has the nerve to say he's attracted to other women but won't cheat on you, as if now you owe him something for his "sacrifice" to you. More control. A decent guy wouldn't have even brought up how "hot" other women look to him. I'd tell him "This is who I am, take it or leave it". He may be one of those guys who's intimidated by your independence & self-respect so he has to try to chip away at it. Maybe he's not strong enough to allow you to be strong. I've seen that so many times. Anyway, that's my take, I could be totally off track but it sounds much like a situation I've seen so many times over the years & more often than not the other person isn't worth the trouble.

[audrey551]

sounds like a really crappy person, no offense...

my very dear friend has a similar thing going on with her bf, she's a natural blonde, but he's into fake blonds, ya know...he's always staring at other women, leaving her little reminders of his former girlfriends who had "beautiful long legs", but he loves her all the same, and she shoud be happy that he chose her, and not all those other women that he constantly leers at and "casually" mentions

puh-leeze, what a load of crock

yes, there's so much loooove, he "appreciates" the fact that you jeopardized your health by not eating properly and stuffing yourself with chemicals and gawd knows what so you can be thin for him, mind you...does he show concern, sympathy, caring? no, he appreciates it

i'm really pissed off right now

[devono]

true.

but do you, as a four, have bouts of envy and then competition and hatred as a result? as a kid i always felt like i would lose at whatever i tried, that giving my best would always end in me being a loser. so i just stopped trying altogether.

i choose situations where i will feel like a 'winner' and if i'm forced into a situation where i have to compete i either drop out so i won't lose or i become hypercompetitive.

maybe this should be a different thread. my point is that i feel incredibly competitive not only with my boyfriend, but with all of his perceived desires. i haaaaaaaate it.

[heartturnedtoporcelain]

A decent guy wouldn't have even brought up how "hot" other women look to him.

<-- this

...

[crisper]

Sounds like kind of a douche if you ask me. Regardless of how attractive you find someone else when you're in a relationship you just DON'T say anything to your s.o. about them. That's just plain rude and disrespectful. If he says he loves you then that should be it! He shouldn't add in other things like "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" What the hell is the purpose in saying that????

I don't get this guy. I think you're very pretty and I'd leave it at that.

Good luck with him.

[Nymma]

"I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong."

No offense, but it sounds like he's manipulating you, just to get what HE wants ( having you and fantasising about other women). It's incredibly selfish, idiotic and not how a guy with a tiny peice of decency would NOT do that to his girlfriend. "Why it isn't good enough for you" is possibly the worst thing he could have said. I mean, really, he admits wanting to sleep with other people, he express his desire for them IN FRONT OF YOU, and he wonders why you're not satisfied?

Many women ruin their relationship by manifesting uncalled for jaleousy, and not trusting their mens, and it's their faults. But in your case, it's justified because, for christ's sake, he TELLS YOU that he's turned on by others than you*. If he really loved you, he would not do that, he would not even THINK about other girls.

You claimed that you both loved each other, and perhaps this is true, but I'm afraid that love is far from enough to keep a relationship going, or make a healthy one. X can love Y, but if X cheats, beats or mistreats Y in any way, then it's not worth it. You love each other, but he does not seem do fulfill his obligation as a boyfriend, and there's all there should be to it.

As type fours, yes we are going to be extremly jaleous of other persons, and I know that when I was in past relationships, I always fell on the bad habit of comparing myself to other girls personality wise, and felt jalousy when someone seemed more interesting, unique, or special that I was. I would then plan A Self-improvement Mouvement on my part(but being too laxy to actually acheive my goals...). I have learned to hide my jalousy, keep it to myself, because honestly, tantrums of jalousy are petty, particularly when the others didn't intend to bring you down, make you feel inferior. Your case is different, however, because you have a reason to feel jalous; your boyfriend is the one provocating all of this. I'm positive that even the least jalous person would feel inferior when their lover is commenting about other women, expressing their desire in front of them.

And just WHY ON EARTH would your boyfriend appreciate that you lost weight? Why would he even care about your weight if he loved you? It sounds really superficial. A SO should only care about your personality, about the chemestry you have with each other. Neither of you is perfect, and in a good relationship that is compatible, you accept each other's flaws, but why even appreciate the fact that you changed a bit in terms of apparence?Seems like he's thinking about weight matters like flaws, qualities. How disgusting how him. Would he have loved you any less if you didn't lose weight?

It's all your boyfriend's fault, IMO. the "why is isnt good enough for you" is way to avoid taking responsability, turning the blame on you when he's the one causing your jalousy by commenting on other girls. There's two possibilities: 1) he's not aware of how much pain he is causing you or 2)He's aware but he continues anyway. If it's option one, well, how much of a good relationship it is if he does not understand you? If it's option two, well, he's not considering your feelings, which is bad in a relationship.

You should attempt to talk things calmly with him, saying that you want him to stop making comments about other girls, sort of like an ultimatium. That is, if you really want to this to work. Honestly, I don't know you, but you surely deserve better. In your shoes, I would have dumped him ages ago.

[Red Panda]

My bf, who is a 7, often makes statements about other women being 'sexy, beautiful, hot, delicious' etc. This normally wouldn't bother me, but [I]none[I] of them looked anything like me. He made an off-handed comment when we first started dating about a girl at the gym who he thought was 'smoking hot'. She looks skeletally thin to me. I thought, 'if that's what he thinks is hot, i must look like a total cow to him'. This led to a 6mo eating disorder, exercise and diet pill abuse. I got down to a size 4, which he said he appreciated. I became obsessed with the girl at the gym, tormenting myself that i'd never look like that, fantasizing that if I could just stop eating, i could be thin enough to be really hot to him. He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.

I vary between self-hatred for not being his 'type' and hating him and wanting to hurt him. I act vague and unavailable to mess with him. I go places with him, constantly scanning the room for tall, thin women that I can compare myself to and torment myself over then I act like a bitch to punish him.

I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong.

He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it". he feels like as long as it's not something he acts on, it's ok. he thinks i'm crazy because he's never been anything but good to me, which is true. he's a loving, affectionate, generous, fun partner. But this is making me want to run away.

how can i help myself? advice, please. i'm sure other 4s know what i'm talking about.

It does indeed seem like he is testing you but at the same time I think he is very insensitive to your feelings, maybe up to the point that it amuses him to tease you like this. I think you should confront him again and tell him that if he really loves you he should stop acting like this and that it is hurting your relationship. It's only natural that you feel so insecure when he acts like that.