My bf, who is a 7, often makes statements about other women being 'sexy, beautiful, hot, delicious' etc. This normally wouldn't bother me, but [I]none[I] of them looked anything like me. He made an off-handed comment when we first started dating about a girl at the gym who he thought was 'smoking hot'. She looks skeletally thin to me. I thought, 'if that's what he thinks is hot, i must look like a total cow to him'. This led to a 6mo eating disorder, exercise and diet pill abuse. I got down to a size 4, which he said he appreciated. I became obsessed with the girl at the gym, tormenting myself that i'd never look like that, fantasizing that if I could just stop eating, i could be thin enough to be really hot to him. He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.
I vary between self-hatred for not being his 'type' and hating him and wanting to hurt him. I act vague and unavailable to mess with him. I go places with him, constantly scanning the room for tall, thin women that I can compare myself to and torment myself over then I act like a bitch to punish him.
I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong.
He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it". he feels like as long as it's not something he acts on, it's ok. he thinks i'm crazy because he's never been anything but good to me, which is true. he's a loving, affectionate, generous, fun partner. But this is making me want to run away.
how can i help myself? advice, please. i'm sure other 4s know what i'm talking about.