How to avoid obsessing over a crush.

What people tell me NOT to do when I have a crush:

• don't constantly think about them
• don't worry about everything you say and do around them
• don't put them on a pedestal

What I do when I have a crush:

• I constantly think about him
• I worry about everything I say and do around him
• I put him on a pedestal

It always happens: before I become obsessed with my crushes, our relationship goes fine. But then when I realise that I like them, it all goes downhill! I become pedantic and daydream about them and this really puts me out of sync with reality.
This ruined my relationship with one INTJ who I liked (and he really liked me back too). Now I'm crushing on a new guy (a young ESTJ for reference) and I'm noticing I'm sliding into obsession mode again - not a good sign!

My current situation is this: So ESTJ and I only just started getting to know each other a few weeks ago but we flirt and he seems to like me as a person. He seems like an interesting guy so I was initially mildly attracted. We talk a lot IRL but on a social networking site too. The danger sign began when I asked him something on said social networking site and he didn't reply - I freaked out and thought about it all day!

I really hate it when I get obsessed. As I said, obsession ruins everything. How can one stop themselves from obsession?
Is there some sort of psychological reasoning behind my behaviour? Am I like, super insecure or is my life lacking something?

Lastly, I don't know how much this has to do with me being an ENFP, but if you have any type-specific advice, do post it on this thread.

I really want your input everyone. Thanks!

Find a few other crushes. BLAM. I WIN. SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE.

Originally Posted by Feelings

Find a few other crushes. BLAM. I WIN. SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE.

lol the ESTJ was a crush I found to get over the INTJ.... I'M STUCK IN AN INFINITE LOOP NOOOOOOO

Originally Posted by iemanja

lol the ESTJ was a crush I found to get over the INTJ.... I'M STUCK IN AN INFINITE LOOP NOOOOOOO

Hmmmm.... I will help.

Well, don't put your love interest on a pedestal. His shit stinks just like everyone else's... lol. He, just like everyone else, has negative aspects to him. Reminding yourself that he is indeed a normal human being might help bring your thoughts back down to earth a little bit. He's not perfect, promise ;)

I date 5 men at a time, I don't get obsessed about any of them. Seriously, experience has taught me.

Also I feel that when I have gotten into a relationship with a different perceiving function, they like me. They really, really like me. But they don't appreciate me for what I really am. They don't understand my brain, nor give me the appreciation for it. I'm thinking they may feel the same way.

ENFP obsession is bad because we notoriously fall too fast. Allowing myself to freely date others has been key for me. It prevents me from being too focused on one man I've barely dated for 2 seconds. It prevents me from being pressured by him into going into immediate "lock down" (commitment). It has allowed me to remain a bit more objective, selective, and somewhat detached for longer. Not caring about what society thinks or what I've been taught and told myself about dating more than one man, has really freed me. The reality is, I don't need a relationship. But I will appreciate a man who honestly gets me. ALL of me. And I can wait for that person. In the meantime, I can still date and explore and learn. My Ne has a blast taking in all the information.

There are so many good men out there. Honestly, I am so glad this time around I didn't stop dating others after I met 1 or 2 guys I was intrigued by and who were equally intrigued by me. I made myself stay open to other possibilities and as a result, I've actually been exposed to an even better quality of man.

ENFPs have this great ability to see the best in others and get along with everyone. We are natural chameleons and we have a huge amount of empathy because we can easily see other's perspectives. My problems with previous fast crushes was that I was seeing our relationship through the eyes of the man I was dating-He was so into me> I can understand how he feels>It's exciting to feel this way about someone>I think I feel this way, too. Dating around prevents me from this trap. Even if I am empathizing with multiple perspectives-it is way too vast. It forces me to come up with or ground myself in my own preferences. I hear my inner voice better and their voice becomes smaller.

I am not saying this is the way to go at all. I am just telling you my journey and what has caused my current happiness.

Welcome to the club dear!!!!!!!!!

OMG, do I feel you. I am exactly the same, and that scare guys away and... oh thats right, it's ruining the rest of my life! :O

I don't know what to do really... I've read some books :
Amazon.com: Women Who Love Too Much (9780671733414): Robin Norwood: Books
and
Amazon.com: Daily meditations for women who love too much (9780874778762): Robin Norwood: Books

are you a woman who love too much? : http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram167.pdf

I dont know if I am... all I know is that my obsessivness over love and one particular person almost makes me ill :( And yet I can't help but love the feeling of being in love.... I mean, come on, what would life be without this wonderful ingredient?

I also discovered that usually, when putting someone on a piedestal, what you're also automatically doing, is putting yourself in an inferior position, signaling to yourself that you might not be "good enough" for him. Which makes you even more worried... and then you feel bad...
I totally get you!!!!!!!!

I even started attending some SLAA-meetings, but I dont know if my problems are "big enough".

Anyways I do recommend you those books I've linked to, there's alot of wise things being said in them. Like, that you have to fill the void within with something other than romantic love... like develope youir spirituality and such.
I really wanna talk more about this with you. Maybe we could help each other get out of our obsessivness and create for ourselves a more balanced way of loving and living...

Unfortunatly, today, I will not be online for so much longer but I truly hope and wish to keep in contact! :)


/your fellow obsessive sister

Originally Posted by pinkrasputin

I date 5 men at a time, I don't get obsessed about any of them. Seriously, experience has taught me.

._. ........... excuse while I find a few other crushes.
(But seriously, you are so cool for going out with many guys! ^_^)

YES OMG it's one of the things that annoys me about being me: falling too fast and having a stupid, dumb filter that makes me only see the good aspects of people. I have to learn that everyone has flaws and no one is more special. That's easier said than done. >.>

Thanks for the responses to far everyone! Any more thoughts?

OH and you know something else that happens? Whenever someone doesn't meet my expectations, I get completely disappointed and deflated. How do I stop that?! I mean, asking me to put a lid on my idealistic expectations is like trying to make a balloon sink!

Originally Posted by iemanja

OH and you know something else that happens? Whenever someone doesn't meet my expectations, I get completely disappointed and deflated. How do I stop that?! I mean, asking me to put a lid on my idealistic expectations is like trying to make a balloon sink!

Date them for a flipping year and commit to no one until then. You are Ne dominant. It takes us a while to really form an opinion and decision. We love to take in information and stay in that mode. Allow that preference to work for you in relationships. Instead of jumping into it with someone we barely know and then back peddling after discovering they are not for us, it's better to let time and experience prove to us that they are the one.

I used to do this in an epic way and I'm having trouble understanding how I stopped doing it. Self confidence I think played a big role.