I trying to understand my wife.

According to the test, she took she is an ESFJ. I am an ISFP.

She acts like every bad situations, at a giving moment are the worst things ever, especially if ting don't go her way. She tends to worry alot too, which she says ruins her whole day.

Me on another hand I approch every situation, good or bad, very calmly. For me, there is no need to get all agitated.

I was wondering if most ESFJ are like my wife? And what works for you to calm you down?

I think that all 'Judging' types have expectations for certain situations- being planners, and preferring to stick to things to see them through. When something doesn't go the way a 'Judging' type expects, they will feel a little derailed. Your J type here is also very expressive, being an E and F- so what you are experiencing is probably just her expressing the frustration with things having not gone her way. I think you could help by gently proposing alternatives to the things that went on. The SJ, though bent on certain ways, is also malleable if you can make sense to them.

If I had to guess I'd say that when she expresses her frustration, your laid-back nature about the whole thing comes across to her as an attack. For ESFJs it is extremely important that their feelings not be belittled or treated like they are unimportant. This attitude, whether intentional on your part or not, will likely make the situation even worse for her. My suggestion is to make sure you put effort into acknowledging her feelings, especially before giving any kind of advice. "I understand that you feel ______" or "I'm sorry that you feel ________" would likely help her a great deal. Until she feels this she may be unlikely to move on past her feelings to do what she already knows she needs to do.

Originally Posted by Promethea

I think that all 'Judging' types have expectations for certain situations- being planners, and preferring to stick to things to see them through. When something doesn't go the way a 'Judging' type expects, they will feel a little derailed. Your J type here is also very expressive, being an E and F- so what you are experiencing is probably just her expressing the frustration with things having not gone her way. I think you could help by gently proposing alternatives to the things that went on. The SJ, though bent on certain ways, is also malleable if you can make sense to them.

I agree that it is probably a J thing. I don't take it well when things don't go my way myself (I have a very strong J). Because we J types tend to be planners, we see things as an interconnected continuity of events. Meaning, we see how certain things depend on other things working according to plan. And when one thing goes out of wack, it not only messes up that particular instance, but everything going forward as well. And that is why seemingly minor things can suddenly become crises to a Judger.

Just tell her you are there to help take some of the pressure off .. Tell her that you can see that her plate is about to crack due to the weight and you want to help her as you can see what it is doing to her and it worries you.

ISFP's do help us even if we don't make it very clear sometimes .. You balance us with your calmness.

Unfortunately your wife needs to understand that people are there to help and she doesn't need to carry the world on her shoulders then crack when she can no longer handle the pressure. We are bloody stubborn sometimes.

What works for me .. Knowing someone cares and wants to help me. Someone taking one of my responsibilities off me, even if it is for a short time. Someone allowing me a few moments to rant and cry then laugh at my absurdities. Someone who can help me stay in a playful mood and just forget the problems for a while. Someone not criticizing me for being a human and wanting to help everyone even if i pay the ultimate price for it. Someone who understands.

I thought i would bring this to your attention as i only started reading it yesterday and it is incredibly insightful.

Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray.

It speaks about how when under stress we are unable to fully give to our relationships as we are to busy dealing with our other problems thus relationship breaks down. It gives practical advice and shows just how different men and women are when we are under a lot of pressure. It also gives hope.

Maybe you could buy it, have a read yourself then give it to your wife to read ..

Unfortunately women's hard wiring hasn't changed since caveman/cavewoman times and in the last 50 years or so due to the major shift in society and women being more liberated and also the need for 2 incomes these days .. Women still (me especially) want/need to work, be the good mother, the dutiful wife and caring friend .. But it comes at a cost and the relationship gets neglected. Men are no different, now they are no longer the provider, they have extra pressures also .. But coming home from a hard day is supposed to be getting away from the stress, that is why men must fire gaze in their den. Women need to change their thinking and this is going to take time but to have a supportive partner who can see their stresses and offer to help or even take some of her burden will hopefully drastically improve the relationship/marriage. Again, communication is the key,

I hope you find it just as insightful .. Good luck :)

Maybe this sounds too simple, but did you ever consider just asking your wife these questions? What if you said to her, "I'd like to understand you and help you when you are stressed or worried. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't feel this way, but I just want you to tell me what I can do for you that will make you feel most cared for." I can't imagine that not helping the situation. She will likely appreciate it. Make sure she understands that she is free to be honest about what she needs from you during those times. Like someone else said, communication is best. Talk to her about it and find out from her how you can understand each other better.

I just have to say once again that if you give off a vibe of, "There's no reason for you to get agitated," it is likely to upset her even more.

For ESFJs they often need to have a time of experiencing and their feelings before they're able to move past them. I think it helps them to be able to reach down into their inferior Ti to try to determine which feelings are rational and what they should do about them.

I can apply to this as well.

I always get worried, and realized I've been worrying over nothing. Give her some time or resolve the problem, that would make my day.