How to deal with a breakup.

I see threads a lot asking for tips on how to get over someone, and recently I heard about a friend of a friend's situation which inspired me to post this thread for everyone to share their tips/advice on how to get over a breakup. I will post one of my old entries on the topic to kick it off:

Well, here is how I handle it. And yes, it absolutely devastates me, but I have a method that seems to work. Firstly, I need to know -why- it ended. None of the vague, wishy-washy, cowardice, but a truthful answer. This will allow me to pick up all the pieces, and put them into a box, label it, and put it away. If I -know- what it is, then theres no reason to keep reopening it in my mind, going back over and over to try to make sense of it all.. it all merges into one powerful truth. This truth is now written in my psyche, and I mute all of the chatter. The chatter no longer matters. There is no reason to check his facebook profile anymore for answers, or send him a drunken IM pleading that he explain anything. Its all explained. (Now what sucks is when they learn what I do here, and try to complicate it and work their way back in, instilling doubt. Fuckers.)

Now that I have put it all away, and have stopped picking through the pieces, it begins to fade. Some visualization also helps. I had one absolute nightmare of a time getting over someone once because he planted these little bombs in the foundation and structure of our relationship the whole time, that he detonated once I wanted to call it quits. I will not go into detail because it hurts too much to recall it. But he did terrible things the entire time, just to feel like he had some footing, some control. After I left, he would try to come back and say he had lied about it. Then later he would say that he had not lied about it. This dragged out for months until I was so mentally unstable that I collapsed on my bathroom floor having blacked out from a panic attack. He completely removed my own footing on reality at this point. It took more effort to box this one, because there was no way of knowing what was real and what was a lie. I determined he was all a lie, I never knew him, and he had been faking his entire personality the whole time (which actually ended up being quite true).

The way I got past this was through lots of visualization. I found a fantasy map. It was one of those with lots of hills, lakes, rivers, islands.. very lovely, very vast.. After I disposed of anything that reminded me of him (including lotions that I'd had around that time) I started to envision that everything that happened between us took place on a particular part of that map. I poured all of the nastiness into it. I then imagined myself leaving it all behind in the middle of the night. There was nothing left to say. I packed my things and I boarded a ship, then I traveled across some land.. I boarded another ship. The journey I visualized, in detail, and I ended up far, far away, alone, in a nice cottage, with a lovely garden, in a place that he could never find me - a place he would never know of. He couldn't hurt me anymore.

I did not give in and contact him first. If you do, its like hitting a reset button, which I realized with a previous ex. Then you have to start the process of getting over them all over again. A voice, a smell.. all of these things trigger that brain chemistry that was causing an addiction to them in your mind. Only removing yourself and not looking back will assure that you don't relapse.

So, post your tips, stories on what worked. and if theres enough good advice I can consider stickying it for those who come here looking for help moving on after a heart-break.

My bad break up sounds like it was a different scenerio, because I was the one doing the breaking, but it still, nonetheless, affected me for a long time.

I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years, from the time I was 16 to 22. He was extremely controlling. I have always been one of those 'strong minded' people that would never allow themselves to be put in such a position, but it happened very slowly and in calculated steps. In the beginning I was very pleased with the relationship, and of course I was very young so I guess you could call it puppy love. Fast forward 6 years later and I was engaged to a person who emotionally beat me down whenever he could, especially in front of other people. I had one girl-friend who I was allowed to see 2 times a month, for a certain amount of hours, and had to be home at a certain time. He also alienated me from my family, telling me lies that they had said about me, or putting pictures in my mind that they didnt care about me, and were unhealthy. (Which is not entirely untrue) I was expected to work 3 jobs and go to school, clean and cook, for the majority of the relationship while he sat around on his fat ass playing videogames and telling me how bad my cooking was. (along with everything else of course) He sexually abused me, not by physical force, but if I did not give him a blowjob and swallow, with no reciprocation, he would tell me that he didnt really feel like I loved him.

I stayed in that relationship for so long because I believed the good in him. I believed he had a good heart, and that would shine through with time and effort on my part. Also, my age mixed with such a slow change from good to bad, I believed thats just how things were in any relationship, and I put forth so much effort for so many years to try to "fix" the relationship. Also, whenever I did fight back (which was often) he would break down in tears and say he felt so bad for how he acted and he really did love me so much, he was just a bad person and I deserved better. He was basically appealing to my Fe side (manipulation) because of course once that happened I assured him we would work on it together and that he was not a bad person, and that I would support him while he went through his "hard time"

That was such an easy out for him. Playing on and using my vast ability to love and forgive.

Once I finally woke up and broke up with him, he manipulated that friend I was never allowed to see into believing that I had said nasty things about her, which really he was the only one who said bad things about her. So she and I didnt talk for about 7 months. He also cried to her every day about how much he loved me and how he wanted me back so badly, so he painted me out to be the bad guy. I am not manipulative, so I did not reciprocate that although I could have. It would have been easy, but I am just not that kind of person.

Now pretty much everyone knows how he is, and dont really hang out with him anymore. His guy friends were my friends too, and he told them lies as well, but they all see through it now.



What made me wake up and realize it was time to go was our group of friends were going to a park one day to go cook out and just be in nature, I really wanted to go, and he said no. I dont know why, its one of the first times I was just like......no.....Im going. He was pissed but I just didnt care anymore. Enough is enough. I went, and actually found out that all my friends were really happy to have me there. I had a great time. I was so happy. The next morning back at home was one of the most depressed Ive ever been. I glimpsed a little bit of freedom, then went back home to him. I knew I had to get out.


It was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I had to leave my house, my dogs, his family (which had taken me in) were terrible to me afterwards. All the friends I thought would be there were gone, I was homeless, confused, and had nothing to show for the last 6 years of my life.

He is a born-again christian now, and realized that "all the effort he was putting into me and our relationship, he should have been putting into the lord" All his facebook posts are scripture and Im not sure why it bothers me so much. I hate him even more for it. I guess its because he is the worst person I know alive, and hes going into ministry? God help us all. Literally.

Its been almost a year and a half now, and it really took a good 8 months to get settled into myself before I really started to feel normal again. I had to build everything back up, and that was really tough. Now my life is amazing, I live for me and my close friends who reciprocate my love, and are as selfless as I am. I have a wonderful SO who was with me through the entire thing and has never judged me for being weak or insecure at times. I enjoy my freedom every day. I am in school, and I got my dog back, and we live happily by ourselves in my home.

The thing I was scared of most was being alone. Or feeling alone. Or that I was making a mistake. Dont be scared. Move forward. One day at a time and the mantra is every day you get a little stronger. Each step you take that is painful, you get stronger. You may not feel it at first, but all those little tiny steps and leaps of faith begin to add up, and one day you wake up and you feel....good. You feel strong. You feel like you might get through it. Every step forward you take is one you will never have to take again. One day, one hour, one step at a time. Just do it.

You wont realize it at the time, but even your weak moments are making you a stronger, healthier, happier person. Dont give up :)

A failed relationship is always a mutual failure. ALWAYS. Even if the other person was next to Satan as a romantic partner (and @zomberlover 's partner sounds close) it's still incumbent upon you to figure out what you did or failed to do which contributed to the failure of that relationship, the why, the how and then when of that failure.

I say that as someone who got cheated on by my ex-wife- I had a great amount of responsibility for the problems we had before and after that. It would be easy for me to villify her but that would be a cop out. There'd be no growth for that and chances are I'd just repeat many of the same mistakes.

I'm wired to obsess over tragedies in my life. It's a combination of mourning and analyzing. It's all bundled into one lump. Unlike other personality types who, I think, try to push themselves out of the funk by fighting against it and pushing their head back up above the water, the way I get out of it is by going out through the bottom of it. By this I have to just experience the down period in its full awful glory until it's all worn out, embrace the pain until it's just gone. That's the time when I'm thinking and analyzing what happened, and I think it's just my automatic way of getting motivated to avoid what got me to that point the next time.

There's no clear finish line, I'll just notice over time that I'm moving on.

Also, times of crisis like this are notoriously linked to harmful behavior. Somehow I had the presence of mind when I found out about my ex-wife's affair to decide then and there that I would stop drinking alcohol. I just felt I needed to keep a clear head, as intensely as the situation hurt of course.

Other things apply here too:

You're depressed. You are. It may be mild, it may be severe, it may be short or long term, but you're depressed. Regardless, depression's greatest ally is your isolation. Talk about yourself and your situation with someone, and hopefully a couple of people. No, you aren't going to be that guy who's crying in his beer at a bar with his buddy, or the girl who's a sobbing mess in her comfy sweater on her friend's sofa - you just got to talk. This allows you to make sense of it, and if you've got a severe problem like major depression or some other warning sign, your friend (or sibling, or therapist) can help you identify that and respond appropriately.

Get behavioral. Do things that will help you feel better. Yeah, the dozen donuts will taste great, until about 1 minute after you finish the last one and feel like Jabba the Hut. Eat healthy, sleep right, get physically active. These are all things that give your body a lift. In my case I was so upset and had so much anxiety, I simply HAD to work it off, so I started working out. It had nothing to do with my masculinity being threatened even though there had been an affair, and everything to do with simply needing to work off that mountain of stomach-churning stress and angst I was feeling every minute of every day, and never even really letting go during those all-too-short hours I was sleeping. It's not about being Mr. or Ms. Olympia, it's just about lifting yourself out of a rut, and it DOES work. As it turned out for me, I noticed over the course of the next six months the trend that I grew emotionally stronger during the crisis while my ex grew emotionally weaker - she had done absolutely nothing to change her routine and the crisis wore her down over time.

Last but most important - if it's a major relationship and/or a traumatic break up, it's going to hurt for a while. Let it. It's how you grow if you let yourself learn from it. But also know that things will get better if you allow them to in your own time and you learn the lessons you need to learn.

^^^ This. Exactly. My dad did the same thing after my parents divorce (got more into being healthy and physically fit) and it took years for him but hes happier now than Ive ever seen him.

You HAVE to let yourself feel the pain. Go through it, run through it if you have to, but its part of the process. And if you dont deal with it now, it will come back to bite you in the ass at some point. Everyone is different, but for me the pain was essential to the breakthrough.

^
These posters brought up some good tips, especially about health. Keep exercising and do not resort to alcohol. Below I will present some general tips for handling a breakup.

While it is good to rationalize the demise of a relationship, I would advise against continuously over-analyzing the possible causes if you cannot make sense of your relationship. This leads to psychological distress and complicates your problems rather than solving them. Learn what you can from this to improve future relationships or prevent them from escalating into something worse.

Do not lie to yourself. You'll know when you are lying to yourself when that feeling of self-denial starts rattling inside you like a caged beast. Too many times I've encountered people recovering from divorces trying to hate their ex's and saying things like, "It was never true love!" This causes conflicting feelings and unnecessarily prolongs the painful hangover of a breakup. Listen, the conclusion of a relationship does not necessarily imply that your relationship was one fat joke. Often times, many external factors to the relationship are contributors as well and are beyond the involved parties' control. It is in your best interest to accept the conclusion and move on.

Keep in mind that no one is going to get over anything they had an emotional connection to overnight. So, while this temporal state of depression sucks, know that it is natural and that you will get over it. To close off, make sure you get support from close friends and family during this phase.

Cigarettes, booze and cheap, tawdry sex.

I busied myself in work, made new friends, worked on all my negative behaviour that led to the break up and made myself a better person and more appealing for my next relationship.

I've always dealt with breakups by doing the following:

1. Acknowledge it Hurts

I retreat into my shell. I don't want to be with people physically, so I'll use my phone to bug the hell out of my friends, discuss the fact that it hurts and giving myself the time to grieve a little. I've never enjoyed having to break up with anyone, and I certainly don't enter into relationships planning to end them. I'll allow myself to resent them, and vent my spleen about how ungrateful they were, or how sorry they'll be when they're [insert pitiful end]. I don't drink very heavily as a result, but I do party hard on the weekends, and I relish my freedom. I can do all the things I like doing without any objection etc.

2. Stop apportioning blame

We broke up, I wasn't doing it for her, she wasn't doing it for me. Therefore, we are both at fault. It's no use being bitter and resentful, because it was a two way street. I acknowledge the mistakes that I made, and learn to not make them again. I also get to refine and deeper understand my principles and values, this reassessment period is invaluable to making a future relationship work. At this point, I begin to see the relationship for what it was, rather than dwelling on the good times and the bad. I reassess where I am, and reaffirm that I am me, and I am a great catch for she who does get the privilege of catching me (I'm not a total narcissist, promise).

3. Find my confidence

I use my pent up energy (I'm not really a one night stand person) to get better at my hobbies. I focus my time behind my drum kit, or tending to my bonsai forest. After my last breakup I took up Kendo, something I always wanted to, and discovered that I really enjoy it. These activities help me to build my self-worth and I remember that I'll be all right in the end. I remember my strength and realise just what I can offer the world.

1. Pick yourself back up and get your head screwed on straight.
2. Smile knowingly to yourself that he/she lost their chance with you.
3. Never forget the mishaps of past relationships. Those relationships did not work for a reason.

Watch every episode of "How I Met Your Mother." Hang out with friends, because your supposed to. Do stupid shit all day like play in traffic. Go back home and finish "How I Met Your Mother."

It would have been a better story if I had my license at the time.