Intimacy Issues in Survivors of Sexual Abuse

I found this article and it made me smile. I thought I'd post it on here to give other people smiles who are in the same situation :)


Like the proverbial elephant in the living room, partner intimacy issues with a sexual abuse survivor can require a lot of time and space. Fortunately, in the end, with hard work and dedication, a beautiful relationship can be the result!

When you have been sexually abused, intimacy is usually foreign to you and partner intimacy issues will probably erupt if and when you decide to proceed into a relationship.

You obviously can live alone, with your cats, and avoid intimacy issues altogether. That certainly is a choice, but can be a lonely one with no self growth involved. You also might never have the opportunity to feel the company of a warm and loving partner. However, people are meant to be social and you just might find yourself talking to yourself, talking to your cats, and answering yourself back! Well, if that happens, you need to run, not walk, to the nearest therapist!

Your abuser stole your ability to develop intimacy away from you when he or she betrayed your trust. You have to regain trust in order to develop intimacy. Scary, yes, but definitely possible!

The key to the development of a long lasting healthy intimate relationship is time. Time for the trust to build. Your partner needs to be a patient soul.
Sometimes that may be difficult to find, but believe me, there are good people out there, so don't give up yet!

You are worth loving and cherishing! Someone will see that, but you have to see it in yourself first!

If you are in a relationship, it is good for your partner to know the following things:

Intimacy issues include you too!! It takes two people to make a relationship.

You need to give the sexual abuse survivor time to trust you. Just because you have not given her any reason not to trust you doesn't mean that she will automatically trust you! No, it is not fair! Yes, you are getting the brundt of her fears from her abuse.

It truly is not personal. I know that is difficult and you may not like or understand it..but it is what it is. You care about your partner. She is lucky for that. You both have something strong to build on. Bless you for caring!

Allow your partner as much control in the relationship as possible. Make it a 50/50 partnership. Open communication is essential!
Talk about everything. Don't assume anything! You have NO IDEA what eachother is thinking! Neither of you are mind readers. If you were, you would make a ton of money and you could both quit your jobs!

Abandonment can be a huge issue! Make sure you call her if you are going to be late, no excuses! Don't spend large amounts of time on the computer, reading, watching TV, without her etc., get my point? She may perceive this as abandonment.

Thanks for posting this. It's good advice.

It takes a very kind and patient soul to pull one out of that deep of trust and intimacy issues. I feel I was lucky to find that. I'm not one hundred percent yet, but I'm well on my way to healing in a way impossible alone. I guess I want to give hope to anyone who is still in that zone, for what it's worth. It may seem hopeless, and easier to go on alone. If you do, though, you're abuser is still controlling you. That part of you is still missing. I don't know yet if abuse ever leaves you, but I know now it doesn't have to own you.

I don't really know what to add. Anything I think of to say feels too light. It's a problem time can soften and love can heal.
Posted via Mobile Device

I didn't know the abandonment issues were related to that, but I guess it makes sense. I worry that I will push my boyfriend away by being insecure. I fear that he will give up on me if I take too long to trust him fully. I end up worrying over every little thing. The slightest sign that he is not perfectly supportive causes me to panic. This creates tension in the relationship because he can't possibly be perfect. He will say the wrong things sometimes no matter how much he cares.

I hate seeming as needy as I actually am, because the act of fearing being needy actually increases my need. I feel like a burden, and then I need to be comforted not only for the original feeling, but for the insecurity that comes from needing comfort.

I also tend to give up more quickly than I would have otherwise, going straight to hopelessness at every sign of danger.

Here is an excerpt from an email I sent my boyfriend:

What bothers me is that instead of visualizing resolution with you as my initial comforting thought, my mind went immediately to the idea of substitution, indicating a general lack of hope that any relationship conflict can ever be effectively resolved.

This is an unhealthy thought pattern I got into near the end of my last relationship, because I spent so many years with the false hope that my ex would change. I eventually gave up and moved on, recognizing that he would never become the more tolerable version of himself that I fantasized about, and I began thinking about someone else who actually could respect me and provide the comfort I so desperately needed.

The next time we are fighting, I will have to practice remembering all of the times when you were there for me, and to take comfort in imagining the nurturing version of you fulfilling whatever needs the imperfect version can't. It didn't occur to me until afterward that this was even an option, despite the fact that it was what I had always done before I gave up on my ex. I'm sorry for the momentary weakness. I hope you can forgive me.

I relate this to the whole "debate" issue I had when we first started communicating. I was terrified of any disagreement, and immediately became emotionally distraught instead of even trying to discuss the matter, because I had been trained to expect failure. The expectation that debate was futile prevented all productive attempts at resolution, so I immediately broke down in tears before even attempting to argue my point. You did manage to heal me of that problem in a relatively short time. Now we can debate most topics painlessly. I have confidence that you will be able to establish the same healing pattern in other areas of my life if you still feel that I am worth the effort.

As for the sexual aspects of the relationship, I am fortunate to have found someone who has no intention of rushing me into anything. He intends to keep the relationship non-sexual for as long as I need. He has also agreed to respect my boundaries and to stop all intimate contact, including rough snuggling, at the first evidence that it is harmful to me. I don't think there will be a problem, because he has already shown that he can do this. I became uncomfortable during play-wrestling when he visited, and he stopped immediately at the first clear sign of distress.

I feel sorry for him, for having to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions against me. He should not have to suffer for something he had no control over. I have a lot of shame over being this damaged, and I worry a lot that he will eventually grow tired of putting up with my insanity. I worry that I will eventually be replaced by someone less damaged who won't require so much patience and effort.

I respect all of you for going through what you went through and still being the great people that you are now. I think you guys really need to take this line to heart:

You are worth loving and cherishing! Someone will see that, but you have to see it in yourself first!

Everyone here thinks you're awesome, you just need to see that in yourself too ;)

Snail I feel the same way :(
So sometimes I pretend to be someone else, especially during intimacy. Because I feel that if I let on how afraid I am of being touched I will be left for someone more "normal"
All I want is to be normal
And all I want is to be loved.

I know this thought process is illogical btw.
Because if I was datingsomebody who had intimacy issues, I;d be fine with it and committed to helping them get through it.
If someone can't give me the same respect and support that I am so willing to give then they are not worth my time and tears.

But I do wish I didn't have this problem.

Originally Posted by HollyGolightly

Snail I feel the same way :(
So sometimes I pretend to be someone else, especially during intimacy. Because I feel that if I let on how afraid I am of being touched I will be left for someone more "normal"
All I want is to be normal
And all I want is to be loved.

I know this thought process is illogical btw.
Because if I was datingsomebody who had intimacy issues, I;d be fine with it and committed to helping them get through it.
If someone can't give me the same respect and support that I am so willing to give then they are not worth my time and tears.

But I do wish I didn't have this problem.

The only illogical part of what you said is that you're afraid of being left alone. If someone leaves you because of the problems you have with intimacy you don't want to be with that person anyway. Everyone has their problems, don't worry about it!

Originally Posted by TurranMC

The only illogical part of what you said is that you're afraid of being left alone. If someone leaves you because of the problems you have with intimacy you don't want to be with that person anyway. Everyone has their problems, don't worry about it!

I luff you fannyface.....sometimes

I've got a question. I've had friends in the past who suffered from abuse and this has become a topic of interest for me so that I may know how to handle it properly if I come across someone else who has suffered from this.

My Question relating to the OP: On the part about a 50/50 partnership, would it not be better to give the partner who was abused more control and do your best to give them positive encouragement?

I would think that anything you could do to empower and encourage someone (physically, mentally, and emotionally) who's been through this would be a good thing. It would also help show that you trust them by letting them take the reigns and encourage trust in return. The only problem I can see is if the person's self-esteem is so damaged it actually causes them MORE stress by trying to take the lead. However, I can see that being overcome with lots of encouragement, positive reinforcement, and by starting out with small matters and working it up.

Also, I feel I can understand the intimacy and trust issues well enough, but is there not also a fear of being powerless, or being overpowered by someone close to you? I think this may be true especially for a woman who is with a man who is physically stronger. A reaction that comes forth when physical intimacy comes into play perhaps?

I'm I off track with any of this? Anyone, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, or expand on the topic for a better understanding.

I have a theory I'm developing on one way of overcoming physical intimacy issues in the bedroom with someone who has been abused. I've never openly discussed it before and its a little off the beaten path, as far as I know anyway. It delves a little deep into sexuality, though, and I'm not sure if I should post it here for fear of making people uncomfortable.

I'd be curious about your experimental ideas. If you don't want to post them here, please PM me.
Posted via Mobile Device

Originally Posted by snail

I'd be curious about your experimental ideas. If you don't want to post them here, please PM me.
Posted via Mobile Device

Alright, I'm going to post this here to get others' views. I kind of want to get this one out in the open so I can refine it and get more perspective, or scratch it if I'm completely off the mark. First, keep in mind that I'm approaching this from the angle of a woman who's developed a fear of being physically overpowered by her partner. Second, this is getting into kind of kinky territory, but please stay with it until the end. If this seems like something worth trying, make sure its discussed thoroughly with the partner. NO surprises.

The basis for my theory has to do with giving the woman a firm sense of empowerment by means of removing the man's power. I'm thinking some light bondage could be of some help. I know, I know, stay with me though. What you do is remove his physical power by taking away his ability to move, leaving you in total control.

First, get some handcuffs, not the pink fluffy kind, REAL honest to goodness, "this is what the cops use" handcuffs and cuff him to the head of the bed. Make sure he doesn't have enough slack to move his arms around much. Cuff him with his hands over his head so that he can't place his arms around you in a hold.

Second, more cuffs or leather straps to tie his legs down to the footboard. Again, sturdy bindings that make him unable to move. This would keep him from wrapping legs around the woman or moving himself up far enough that he can use his arms.

Basically, he is bound in spread eagle position. It can start out with him clothed or unclothed depending on the partners' level of comfort with each other. The point is to have him secured so that he would have to break the bed frame to even try to get to free, also gives time to get away if he tries to do that. In my mind this would promote a feeling of safety in the woman by removing any physical threat.

This should in theory give the woman power. It places her in complete control. She can touch as much or as little as she wants and he can't touch back. She can do whatever she wants. He has to ask for anything he wants and the woman is in full power to deny it. It also shows a level of trust that the man is giving by allowing himself to give her that control. She could leave him tied to the bed and go out for the night for all he knows and the woman could very well do that. You could even enhance that a bit by adding things around the bed like a whip, hot candle, blindfold. He'll be left wondering "Is she going to use any of those on me?". It also doesn't have to progress further than what the woman is comfortable with. One session could go with both partners remaining fully clothed the entire time, again depending on the level of intimacy already established.

What it all comes down to is HE has to trust YOU not to hurt HIM. The woman is the Dom. The man is the Sub.

There, that's the basics of it. In my mind this could lead to better building of trust and physical intimacy over time.

Comments? Concerns? Complaints?

Gosh, that was kinda embarrassing.