Making Sense Of..

Well, I've just come out of a relationship from which I was engaged (Well, not just, more like 3 weeks ago), and I guess I want to make sense of everything emotionally. I'm not sure whether this is the best place to try and make sense of everything, but I'd be kind of intrigued, and it might be nice to see everything from another perspective in this matter and have a few questions answered.

I was going out with an ESTP for a few years, and earlier this year in April (namely over Easter), I decided to ask her to marry me, which she said 'Yes' to instantly. All was going great through my eyes up until a couple of months ago through my eyes, when suddenly she states, 'You're manipulating me, give me some space." So I gave her a little space, and tried to ponder over why she said I was manipulating her, and I couldn't honestly pick up any reason as to why. So, I asked her about how I was manipulating her, and she replies, "You're quiet, you're TOO emotional, and I just don't want you around me anymore." I know I'm a very quiet kind of guy, I know I like the more secluded times, and I know I can get very emotional, but she had known that for ages. I could just feel that something was wrong with her and she wasn't opening up. A week later, I discovered that her grandfather had died.. I got very empathetic upon hearing this, and I approached her and asked why she didn't tell me. She then told me the same thing as she told me when I was 'manipulating' her, but she took the care I wanted to give her for it. A couple weeks went past, we were getting back on track, and suddenly our communication and togetherness was just.. well, Gone.. We ended up both approaching each other about the same issue at the same time, and she kept jumping to the fact that I was too emotional, that I was quiet and that everything had to be done my way to keep me happy.. I thought the ice was still fairly thick so I said, 'Well, you've known me for ages, you've known this for a while, so why has it suddenly become an issue?' and she took that as a personal attack, and we quarreled for ages, and I was either saying sorry constantly or going against everything inside me that screamed, "Don't say anything! It'll make things worse!".. What I told myself told myself then, couldn't have been truer, as she broke up with me at that moment..

Obviously, I haven't shared all the details as they are quite personal, but I'm left with several questions I'm hoping I gave enough information for people here to provide even the tiniest bit of an insight.

Firstly; Was it all just my fault? Is me being emotional, being quiet and needing affirmation often a problem within a potential lifelong relationship? It certainly feels that way to me, If I had kept my mouth closed.. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't be here presenting myself with all this now..

Secondly; Why did she break up with me exactly? I know I'm asking a similar question to the above here, but, I still don't get it.. I don't know why or anything, and I try to get closure from her, but she says the same thing every time, and its starting to lead me to think its my fault. I ask her to elaborate, and she says, "I've said enough.."

Thirdly; Is it possible I'm not practical enough? I need to feel something to make something work, whether it be a relationship, work, friendship, hobby, etc.. I'm not a big practical person, and I'm only working casual at the moment, and the only motivation for that was her..

Fourthly and beyond; So, where do I go from here? I find myself doing anything else to take my mind off.. I really would love some affection from any girl right now, but I really need that emotional connection to make it thrive, so what do I do with that? My tears are only anathema, I can't keep going day to day like this..

So yeah.. I love her, but I'm scared of going near her, and I can't do this, and I don't know.. Help me please...

*hugs* There is nothing wrong with being quiet and emotional. If she complains about those qualities, it is possible that she never really accepted you, or was hoping you would eventually change. Her sudden disappointment may have come from any random incident that led to the realization that you would always be that way. There are few things more terrifying than the thought of marrying someone with whom one is incompatible, and being bound to a miserable life without the hope of ever having a true romantic connection. This may be more terrifying to P types who are already naturally uncomfortable with closure and finality.

Without knowing more details I would think that she is having same kind of problem. The problem could be related to the death of her grandfather. It could be that she was having problems with your quietness and emotions long before but never made a big deal over it until the engagement. Who knows for sure?

I would suggest you stay true to who you really are and not try to change for someone else. If you do change yourself for others it will not last. Eventually you will go back to being yourself. The right person for you will love you just as you are. And there is nothing wrong with being quiet and emotional. I think that is an attractive feature and so will the right woman for you. She is out there, just don't give up in finding her.

Wow.. I don't think I would have ever been able to see or feel that within her as easily as I can read her.. Geez, this hurts, but part of me just can't help and nod to what you're saying.. I still want to know how others feel about all this too, as being generally agreeable with everything, I need to see a fair few more perspectives to grasp some sort of understanding so I can start to move past this with some clarity..

I'm guessing its still just going to be one big mess for a while though huh..

edit; sigh, gonna try and get some sleep.. 4am here..

Originally Posted by AdAstraPerAspera

Well, I've just come out of a relationship from which I was engaged (Well, not just, more like 3 weeks ago), and I guess I want to make sense of everything emotionally. I'm not sure whether this is the best place to try and make sense of everything, but I'd be kind of intrigued, and it might be nice to see everything from another perspective in this matter and have a few questions answered.

I was going out with an ESTP for a few years, and earlier this year in April (namely over Easter), I decided to ask her to marry me, which she said 'Yes' to instantly. All was going great through my eyes up until a couple of months ago through my eyes, when suddenly she states, 'You're manipulating me, give me some space." So I gave her a little space, and tried to ponder over why she said I was manipulating her, and I couldn't honestly pick up any reason as to why. So, I asked her about how I was manipulating her, and she replies, "You're quiet, you're TOO emotional, and I just don't want you around me anymore." I know I'm a very quiet kind of guy, I know I like the more secluded times, and I know I can get very emotional, but she had known that for ages. I could just feel that something was wrong with her and she wasn't opening up. A week later, I discovered that her grandfather had died.. I got very empathetic upon hearing this, and I approached her and asked why she didn't tell me. She then told me the same thing as she told me when I was 'manipulating' her, but she took the care I wanted to give her for it. A couple weeks went past, we were getting back on track, and suddenly our communication and togetherness was just.. well, Gone.. We ended up both approaching each other about the same issue at the same time, and she kept jumping to the fact that I was too emotional, that I was quiet and that everything had to be done my way to keep me happy.. I thought the ice was still fairly thick so I said, 'Well, you've known me for ages, you've known this for a while, so why has it suddenly become an issue?' and she took that as a personal attack, and we quarreled for ages, and I was either saying sorry constantly or going against everything inside me that screamed, "Don't say anything! It'll make things worse!".. What I told myself told myself then, couldn't have been truer, as she broke up with me at that moment..

Obviously, I haven't shared all the details as they are quite personal, but I'm left with several questions I'm hoping I gave enough information for people here to provide even the tiniest bit of an insight.

Firstly; Was it all just my fault? Is me being emotional, being quiet and needing affirmation often a problem within a potential lifelong relationship? It certainly feels that way to me, If I had kept my mouth closed.. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't be here presenting myself with all this now..

Secondly; Why did she break up with me exactly? I know I'm asking a similar question to the above here, but, I still don't get it.. I don't know why or anything, and I try to get closure from her, but she says the same thing every time, and its starting to lead me to think its my fault. I ask her to elaborate, and she says, "I've said enough.."

Thirdly; Is it possible I'm not practical enough? I need to feel something to make something work, whether it be a relationship, work, friendship, hobby, etc.. I'm not a big practical person, and I'm only working casual at the moment, and the only motivation for that was her..

Fourthly and beyond; So, where do I go from here? I find myself doing anything else to take my mind off.. I really would love some affection from any girl right now, but I really need that emotional connection to make it thrive, so what do I do with that? My tears are only anathema, I can't keep going day to day like this..

So yeah.. I love her, but I'm scared of going near her, and I can't do this, and I don't know.. Help me please...

I feel ya man .

1) Trying to understand what happened is important. While doing so, its vital to not play the internal blame game. The end of that road is resentment and guilt. You're both at fault, perhaps one more than the other but your both invested in this, it takes two to tango. The degree to which one is emotional is irrelevant, it boils down to how you express those emotions. Equally important is how your partner expresses their thoughts/emotions. During your reflections avoid playing the "what if" game, in regards to the past. It is a seductive and spiteful process that will only chew you up and spit you out.

2) Your ex will not elaborate. Elaborating will give you a window to her inner thoughts/emotions. Right now she has raised her walls and is on red alert. She needs time to deal with this and work it out. I know you want to be there and help her but you will only push her further away, ruining any potential for reconciliation, assuming that's even possible.

3) Maybe, maybe not. Its not an important question at this time. You are questioning the very correctness of who you are. As your emotions subside you can reexamine this during your search for a silver lining.

4) Well your trying to keep yourself busy, that's huge and don't stop. Your real vulnerable emotionally and I'd really avoid women (based on other things your saying), unless of course you don't mind some rebound sex but be prepared for the consequences.

I'd need more info to really give you better advise. There is a lot going on that you have not included, which is quite normal and not only understandable but expected. This is the intraweb and whatnot. Its hard to relay empathy and intention with written words over the internets. I just want you to know that my above advise is well intentioned.

I'm sorry to hear about all of that. I know I'm a bit late on this thread.

Originally Posted by AdAstraPerAspera

Firstly; Was it all just my fault? Is me being emotional, being quiet and needing affirmation often a problem within a potential lifelong relationship? It certainly feels that way to me, If I had kept my mouth closed.. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't be here presenting myself with all this now..

I think that like a lot of other people on this forum (myself included), being emotional, quiet, and needing affirmation is just who you are. A relationship should meet both your needs and the other person's needs. It's a big loss to be engaged to someone and then have everything suddenly collapse. But...would you really have been happy in the long-term with a relationship where you had to deny yourself, be dishonest, and constantly monitor your behavior to make sure you didn't express yourself too sincerely? Wouldn't it be tremendously liberating to be yourself and be loved for THAT, rather than for a mask?

Secondly; Why did she break up with me exactly? I know I'm asking a similar question to the above here, but, I still don't get it.. I don't know why or anything, and I try to get closure from her, but she says the same thing every time, and its starting to lead me to think its my fault. I ask her to elaborate, and she says, "I've said enough.."

Eh...I can't answer that, and maybe neither can you right now. There are probably a lot of hidden things going on. I will say though...it's not really anybody's "fault", or at least I don't think that's a very constructive way to look at things. There's probably things which both of you contributed that caused problems or created an incompatibility. But, it would be good to explore those feelings of guilt that you have...

But to identify one cause...I personally see it as a problem that neither of you really knows what the other is feeling. It is definitely a very confusing and tumultuous time right now, but it seems like some of these problems maybe could have been solved before they exploded if there was open, constructive dialogue. I doubt that things were as perfect as you describe them before you got engaged...much of this was probably under the surface waiting to come out.

Also, the death of a loved one can sort of push things over the edge...it is normal for those grieving (even in healthy relationships) to withdraw, become agitated, and feel very strained. It's possible that she was trying to cope with her own grief, but she felt like you were still pushing your problems onto her and not being understanding of her needing/wanting space.

Thirdly; Is it possible I'm not practical enough? I need to feel something to make something work, whether it be a relationship, work, friendship, hobby, etc.. I'm not a big practical person, and I'm only working casual at the moment, and the only motivation for that was her..

If you look around the forum, or read INFP profiles, you'll see that there's a lot of people who function the way that you do. I think it's possible to make minor adjustments in how you operate to meet another person's needs. But some things just aren't possible. You can't turn yourself into an ESTP...or at least not in the long-term. You have your own needs, your own strengths, and your own style of doing things. Compromising and being accommodating is one thing; totally repressing and burying your true self to avoid conflict is another.

Fourthly and beyond; So, where do I go from here? I find myself doing anything else to take my mind off.. I really would love some affection from any girl right now, but I really need that emotional connection to make it thrive, so what do I do with that? My tears are only anathema, I can't keep going day to day like this..

I wouldn't seek out another romantic relationship right now, but emotional connections are important...they were to you before, but especially now. I'd imagine it seems pretty hopeless right now...especially if you believe the reason that your previous relationship ended was because you were too emotional and trapped in parts of yourself that you couldn't share or release...

I feel like you should continue to explore this, and have a way of expressing your anguish and making it real. Please keep posting in this thread, or elsewhere, if you have further questions or things you want to say. [hug]

Thank you all so much for your input into this despite how a delicate issue it is. And well, thats why I didn't share every intricate detail, just the necessities. I definitely won't be after another romantic relationship for ages yet to come I think as much as I miss the intimacy with someone on an emotional and physical level.. I'm starting to make sense of everything, and it's great to see some of your perspectives; they've been quite refreshing in the shadows which I find myself living in at the moment. I still don't know where to go emotionally, but I've established a small group of close friends who I can rely on in the meantime in case I break down like I have been (I've been suffering insomnia and panic attacks for the past 2 weeks now). But yes, thank you all who have posted, it makes me not feel as alone at times..

OP, I think that your SO was feeling trapped and didn't want to be stuck in such a bidning eternal state like marriage.