ENTJ girl having trouble finding a relationship

Hello everyone,

I am not sure why, but I seem to have trouble finding a boyfriend.

Physically, I am considered to be a very sultry girl (coming from many male friends). I am very intelligent (doing a master's degree at a top university). Personality wise, I have a bit of chameleon personality (can strike a conversation with pretty much anyone). I don't have too many interests, except I like to party a little (clubbing and drinks).

I am 23 now, but I have never had a meaningful relationship. I have dated many; most of them only lasted a few weeks to a few months before I can't handle it (I felt like they are not good enough). In fact, all of my relationships started that way. I rarely liked the guys enough to pursue anything romantic, but when they were pushy enough, I accepted these 'free rides' due to convenience. My last relationship actually lasted almost 9 months, but it was on and off. I kept on breaking up with the guy because I thought he was wasting my time, but I kept on getting back because the sex was too good to say no to. Eventually I somehow managed to have feeling for this guy, but it wasn't reciprocated. I guess it is through him I learned to appreciate that emotional closeness.

The past few weeks I have gone on a few blind dates, but they weren't successful. During the dates, the guys acted nervous. I thought nervousness are good signs. Gone on a second date with one of them, but that was it. He didn't text back afterwards.

I do not understand why. I dressed well - not over the top but definitely clothing that showed off my killer curves. I was articulate - I talked a lot about career plans and my thesis (things that are on my mind all the time). I was considerate - never asked what their income is or ordered crazy expensive things off the menu.

I am wondering if it is because I came across as too ambitions and too much of a boss lady (by talking about career plans etc). But my physique is very feminine, shouldn't that make everything tolerable/okay?

Any feedback/comment are appreciated.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by OLaLa

Hello everyone,

I am not sure why, but I seem to have trouble finding a boyfriend.

Physically, I am considered to be a very sultry girl (coming from many male friends). I am very intelligent (doing a master's degree at a top university). Personality wise, I have a bit of chameleon personality (I can get along with pretty much anyone). I don't have too many interests, except I like to party a little (clubbing and drinks).

I am 23 now, but I have never had a meaningful relationship. I have dated many; most of them only lasted a few weeks to a few months before I can't handle it (I felt like they are not good enough). In fact, all of my relationship started that way. I rarely liked the guys enough to pursue anything romantic, but when they were pushy enough, I accepted these 'free rides' due to convenience. My last relationship actually lasted almost 9 months, but it was on and off. I kept on breaking up with the guy because I thought he was wasting my time, but I kept on getting back because the sex was too good to say no to. Eventually I somehow managed to have feeling for this guy, but it wasn't reciprocated. I guess it is through him I learned to appreciate that emotional closeness.

The past few weeks I have gone on a few blind dates, but they weren't successful. During the dates, the guys acted nervous. I thought nervousness are good signs. Gone on a second date with one of them, but that was it. He didn't text back afterwards.

I do not understand why. I dressed well - not over the top but definitely clothing that showed off my killer curves. I was articulate - I talked a lot about career plans and my thesis (things that are on my mind all the time). I was considerate - never asked what their income is or ordered crazy expensive things off the menu.

I am wondering if it is because I came across as too ambitions and too much of a boss lady (by talking about career plans etc). But my physique is very feminine, shouldn't that make everything tolerable/okay?

Any feedback/comment are appreciated.

Thanks.

Most men cannot handle smarts and beauty into one package. You intimidate them. They realize how "deep" you are on the inside and they think "holy shit. This gorgeous woman is much more than eye candy." To put it blunty, you out class them and they know it. You seem pretty straight forward as well. So you push them on their heels.

Don't let that bother you. They can't handle a girl like you.

As @MXZCCT stated: many guys are not secure enough to handle the personality of a strong woman. Conversely, you might have trouble handling the personality of a strong guy in return. It will be interesting to know.

If seriously wanting a partner to match (or overmatch/challenge) you, try looking for a guy who is 10+ years older than you. Do NOT be put off by so-called "age conventions" or similar stereotypes: age brings maturity and personality, as well as stability (emotional and financial).

Good luck.

Really? Even if I showed them interests? I usually text 'Thanks for the dinner. :)' afterwards...and there would be no more response.

What kind of girls do most men look for when they are interested in a serious relationship? Do they have doubts about long term stability if I am too much of a 'complete package'? The type of guys that I look for are mostly super smart, shy and responsible. Should I act a little bit shy? Should I dress more modest?

Many of my girlfriends have long term stable boyfriends, are engaged or married. I feel like I should be getting serious with myself as well. It frustrates me a lot when I cannot find a meaning relationship! I feel a little bit inadequate, lost and confused.

Originally Posted by MXZCCT

Most men cannot handle smarts and beauty into one package. You intimidate them. They realize how "deep" you are on the inside and they think "holy shit. This gorgeous woman is much more than eye candy." To put it blunty, you out class them and they know it. You seem pretty straight forward as well. So you push them on their heels.

Don't let that bother you. They can't handle a girl like you.

Oh man. This stuff is hard. It is like trying to look for a job or something where you have to spam a few dozen people with your resume before you get a hit. I guess there really isn't anything wrong with me, except I gotta find a match.

Originally Posted by OLaLa

Many of my girlfriends have long term stable boyfriends, are engaged or married. I feel like I should be getting serious with myself as well. It frustrates me a lot when I cannot find a meaning relationship! I feel a little bit inadequate, lost and confused.

Do you want a relationship because you genuinely want one? Or do you want one only because all your friends have one and on the comparison table of to do lists, they are further along then you and this makes you feel inadeqaute?

You said yourself, you feel like alot of boyfriends in the past were wasting your time or that they're not good enough for you.

Yes it's no secret that men can and do get intimidated by strong women. But it goes both ways, it's not just their ego that gets in the way, they may be also picking up on your end of things to.

If there is concerns regarding stereotypes whilst not always true, there is a good reason at the very least for their existence, because there is some hint of truth behind it as in your case you've even admitted.

Originally Posted by OLaLa

Hello everyone,

I am not sure why, but I seem to have trouble finding a boyfriend.

Physically, I am considered to be a very sultry girl (coming from many male friends). I am very intelligent (doing a master's degree at a top university). Personality wise, I have a bit of chameleon personality (I can get along with pretty much anyone). I don't have too many interests, except I like to party a little (clubbing and drinks).

I am 23 now, but I have never had a meaningful relationship. I have dated many; most of them only lasted a few weeks to a few months before I can't handle it (I felt like they are not good enough). In fact, all of my relationship started that way. I rarely liked the guys enough to pursue anything romantic, but when they were pushy enough, I accepted these 'free rides' due to convenience. My last relationship actually lasted almost 9 months, but it was on and off. I kept on breaking up with the guy because I thought he was wasting my time, but I kept on getting back because the sex was too good to say no to. Eventually I somehow managed to have feeling for this guy, but it wasn't reciprocated. I guess it is through him I learned to appreciate that emotional closeness.

The past few weeks I have gone on a few blind dates, but they weren't successful. During the dates, the guys acted nervous. I thought nervousness are good signs. Gone on a second date with one of them, but that was it. He didn't text back afterwards.

I do not understand why. I dressed well - not over the top but definitely clothing that showed off my killer curves. I was articulate - I talked a lot about career plans and my thesis (things that are on my mind all the time). I was considerate - never asked what their income is or ordered crazy expensive things off the menu.

I am wondering if it is because I came across as too ambitions and too much of a boss lady (by talking about career plans etc). But my physique is very feminine, shouldn't that make everything tolerable/okay?

Any feedback/comment are appreciated.

Thanks.

I'll give you the skinny as I see it. I am another ENTJ and I am horrible at dating. Maybe we can help each other. The long and short of it is I think you (and I) need to work on our social skills. I kinda say the same thing about girls..."they [girls] get overwhelmed," but that's a retarded excuse. Maybe we both need to present the the piece of pie a little better:)

Maybe I am delusional, but I have never been intimidated by a girl to the point that I do not want to date her. I mean sure, I would think, why would a super model want to date me or something like that, but because a girl is smart or going for her PHD or something I wouldn't care one way or another. Maybe because I have gone through undergrad and I know what a load of shit it all is.

What type of guys are they? Are they the country club types? Are they feelers? Did they not have any school after highschool? That might suggest a little intimidation, but other than that I would not think it is the intimdation angle(i might be wrong just my op).

What do you talk about....what type of dates do you go on? You like to party(u sound like my type)....are your dates a fun time or kind of stuffy? btw are you in or near a truly large city, or no?

Also, most guys i know don't care about or find the same things appealing that girls care about. I know I dont. I care aout someone being a good person and genuine first a foremost. I could give a shit about school, or lack there off. also unless its rediculous couldnt care about clothes and stuff. i like no games, no pretending none of the typical BS (I hate pretending and playing well if you say this i say that). The thing is maybe the guys you date expect a little of that so if you dont know how maybe you should learn....I know that I have to learn.)

Finally give a guy some hints. Rub his arm or shoulder. hang on to him. i mean physically hang on to his arm after dinner. make sure you are smiling (remember we (ENTJ's) have a serious death glare). one think i love is when a girl asks for a compliment only to set up giving you one back. for instance...
you would say: do you like my "whatever" or do you think I am cute
he would say: of course I like....or ya you are beautiful...
then you say thanks....i like......or you look good tonight too...blah blah blah...follow it with a huge smile or hand holding, grab his arm, etc.
its bold, i know, but it is a CLEAR signal.....
tell me what you think

Originally Posted by OLaLa

Oh man. This stuff is hard. It is like trying to look for a job or something where you have to spam a few dozen people with your resume before you get a hit. I guess there really isn't anything wrong with me, except I gotta find a match.

You're young enjoy dating, finding out who you really are, and what you really want. I agree with @thor odinson in that you have to know why you want a relationship. I'm leery about the thought process that says " I want a relationship.... I must go find me a mate". I think a more natural progression would be I like what I see in you and I want to take it to the next level.

I believe it is one thing to be open to commitment and another that says it is time for me to be in a committed relationship. My advice would be to shop around and really, really invest the time in getting to know yourself, developing your own life independent of a relationship that makes you happy, and finding out what your expectations vs your wants are in a relationship. Then you will know makes you happy.

I also advise you not to make agreements with what you don't want. Don't waste your time. Don't settle for anything less than what will add to your happiness. Not make you happy because only you can do that...but add to it. Life is too short to waste time.

Thanks for your post.

I genuinely want a relationship - I am 23 and I think I should have a serious/long term relationship. I have to confess, it is one of those things I want to check off my list. I do well in other aspects of life and right now, I think I want to work on my relationships. Not to sound sexist, but I think as a woman, it is important to do well in the relationship department as well. It is an amazing skill to have if you can catch a guy with ease. So, I feel inadequate because I can't seem to get these guys that I laid my eyes on; I feel like I failed my seduction skills.

Of course, I definitely want to experience a warm and loving relationship with a nice man. Who doesn't?

Originally Posted by thor odinson

Do you want a relationship because you genuinely want one? Or do you want one only because all your friends have one and on the comparison table of to do lists, they are further along then you and this makes you feel inadeqaute?

You said yourself, you feel like alot of boyfriends in the past were wasting your time or that they're not good enough for you.

Yes it's no secret that men can and do get intimidated by strong women. But it goes both ways, it's not just their ego that gets in the way, they may be also picking up on your end of things to.

If there is concerns regarding stereotypes whilst not always true, there is a good reason at the very least for their existence, because there is some hint of truth behind it as in your case you've even admitted.

Very insightful comments. Thanks.

Originally Posted by n2freedom

You're young enjoy dating, finding out who you really are, and what you really want. I agree with @thor odinson in that you have to know why you want a relationship. I'm leery about the thought process that says " I want a relationship.... I must go find me a mate". I think a more natural progression would be I like what I see in you and I want to take it to the next level.

I believe it is one thing to be open to commitment and another that says it is time for me to be in a committed relationship. My advice would be to shop around and really, really invest the time in getting to know yourself, developing your own life independent of a relationship that makes you happy, and finding out what your expectations vs your wants are in a relationship. Then you will know makes you happy.

I also advise you not to make agreements with what you don't want. Don't waste your time. Don't settle for anything less than what will add to your happiness. Not make you happy because only you can do that...but add to it. Life is too short to waste time.