Demisexuals unite!

I'm looking for the others.

Demisexual - AVENwiki

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.
When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.
According to Rabger's model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person's looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.
Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.
"Demisexual" is also sometimes used as a synonym for some other kind of person falling under the gray-A umbrella. Demisexuality differs from gray-asexuality in that demisexuality is a specific sexual orientation in between "sexual" and "asexual", whereas "gray-A" is a highly unspecific catch-all used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit.
Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being "just friends", which may make the sexual value the relationship less. Demisexuals often have rocky relationships with asexuals because the demisexual's feelings may become more sexualized with time, which the asexual may find inappropriate or unexpected. In either case, having a better understanding of one's own orientation and how it differs from one's partner's orientation may help facilitate communication to clear up misunderstandings.

I'm not sure that "personality" should be listed under primary sexual attraction, since it is actually relevant in determining emotional compatibility. Also, I suspect "status" should be listed as primary instead of secondary, because it is usually immediately noticeable and has little to do with spiritual compatibility.

This model of the spectrum of asexuality and sexuality was created by the AVENite Rabger (under the username ~Forbidden Fury~).
The model includes several new terms and definitions:

Primary sexual attraction
an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their looks or smell which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire

Secondary sexual attraction
an attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person

Primary sexual desire
the desire to engage in sexual activity for the purposes of personal pleasure whether physical, emotional, or both

Secondary sexual desire
the desire to engage in sexual activity solely for the sake of the happiness of the other person involved, or for another ulterior motive such as the conception of children

Most sexuals in romantic relationships feel both primary and secondary sexual desire.
In Rabger's model, asexuals are people who lack primary sexual desire. Some asexuals therefore experience attraction and/or secondary sexual desire, while others do not.
A more detailed discussion of Rabger's model can be found here.
The term "demisexual" tends to be used by adherents to Rabger's model of sexuality, referring to people who experience secondary sexual attraction but not primary sexual attraction.

So, as you all know, I wouldn't even consider dating someone who was not demisexual, and when I have done so in the past, it has been accidental, because I have expected my partners to be this way, or to become this way for me.

I don't necessarily agree that it is an orientation rather than a choice. For me, the orientation is based on my core values about non-materialism. Still, it is true that I have never been able to experience physical sexual desire toward anyone unless I was emotionally and spiritually attracted to him, and even then, the sexual desire has been expressive rather than aesthetic. I assumed this was true as a natural result of my considering materialistic forms of attraction objectifying and morally wrong.

Either way, now that I know there are enough others like me for there to be an actual word for us, I'm going to try focusing on finding them. If I can't change the people who fall in love with bodies, and if they will never feel like they are doing anything wrong, no matter how I word my arguments, then perhaps the goal should be to find someone who has no natural instincts corrupting his desires, who won't have to struggle to override anything.

If you are one of us, post here so I will know you exist. Even if you don't like me, knowing you are out there will make me considerably less cynical about relationships. Thanks.

hey wassup snail o/

I only experience secondary sexual desire (and little to no sexual attraction of either kind), which I think puts me in the demisexual category.

I've wondered if I could be- but since I haven't really had any strong attraction to anyone, I'm not sure. At this point- I'm just going with Asexual, but it could change.

OK .... so this makes a lot of sense. But I'm beginning to think that I've become asexual.

My ex-wife pretty much beat the fun out of sex for me completely. I haven't had the urge, or desire to even think about being sexually attracted, or fulfilled for almost 2 years. I have negative responses to the thought of sex. Now I can't look at another woman without almost being afraid of what sex with her would be like. Sex became a chore, and love-making was a lot like love-hating.

I wonder if a person's sexual orientation can go from straight to A-sexual because of a sexually repressive / emotionally abusive partner. And I also wonder if there's any such thing as sexual fulfilment through a mental connection alone? Since I now fear sex and fear thinking about sex, I've pretty much been taken off the market for any potential relationships with a sexually active woman ...

I know how you feel at times I think I can feel the stirrings of something sexual but I feel I would need to get to know someone better before taking the leap from non-sexual to sexual. I can't just 'do it' with someone I have to know a bit about them first. Even then I feel it's only for their benefit that i'm doing it as it seems to take me ages to get to the point of orgasm. *sigh* still looking for someone that would please me fully.

I am probably a heteroromantic demisexual with Secondary sexual attraction/desire. I think i'm not so much an asexual anymore but i'm still really fairly chaste compared to most so demisexual. I really do need a connection to feel an attraction to someone on any level. And i would only have sex if its a heavily emotional connection and even then it'd probably be more for their pleasure :/

ITT: women

Originally Posted by Admros

ITT: women

In your post: man perpetuating the stereotype that women aren't interested in sex and don't enjoy it, which contributes to the prevailing attitude that sex is all about men.

maybe if I wasn't joking.

Originally Posted by tuna

In your post: man perpetuating the stereotype that women aren't interested in sex and don't enjoy it, which contributes to the prevailing attitude that sex is all about men.

Yup it gives both genders a bad rap :/, but yeah he was joking so it's ok ^^