impact of controlling or passive-aggressive parents on later relationships

I have a theory on this...

Children of controlling parents can be passive-aggressive in later relationships - maybe when they feel powerless and that they can't get what they want, they revert to passive-aggressively asserting themselves because they have been used to being controlled and not being allowed to assert themselves without getting rejected

Children of passive-aggressive parents can be controlling in later relationships....

This is a bit undeveloped, but I was curious to hear people's thoughts on this, on how such parenting later affects the way people interact in both platonic and romantic relationships. The above thoughts are just me thinking aloud on what I've observed in people so far. thoughts?

Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thanks for the link. I'm actually familiar with attachment theory and the attachment patterns/later influence on adulthood

I'm specifically interested though in the impact of controlling or passive-aggressive parenting on how individuals then interact with other people. The attachment theory is fascinating, but doesn't really explain this aspect, but rather focuses on the response of how children form (or don't form) bonds with their caregiver.

Originally Posted by curious0610

Thanks for the link. I'm actually familiar with attachment theory and the attachment patterns/later influence on adulthood

I'm specifically interested though in the impact of controlling or passive-aggressive parenting on how individuals then interact with other people. The attachment theory is fascinating, but doesn't really explain this aspect, but rather focuses on the response of how children form (or don't form) bonds with their caregiver.

I really think that it could go any number of ways depending on how the individual in question deals with conflict in their relationships... hence the link to attachment theory.

For example I imagine that a secure attachment style individual may actually be more negatively impacted than say an anxious avoidant person who tends to be more independent in nature.

I think that any person who is used to not being taken seriously when behaving in a direct manner is likely to develop passive aggressive or manipulative tendencies in order to compensate, and I also believe that this is not necessarily a problem. I think we all need to feel empowered somehow, and if we can't get what we need in one way, we recognize that there are other options and try to have our needs fulfilled however we can. When those needs involve the cooperation of other people, being openly assertive is not always the most effective strategy, because it often causes a lot of unnecessary conflict and needless suffering. Being indirect is less likely to backfire. Therefore, I prefer passive aggression to overt aggression.

Originally Posted by snail

I think that any person who is used to not being taken seriously when behaving in a direct manner is likely to develop passive aggressive or manipulative tendencies in order to compensate, and I also believe that this is not necessarily a problem. I think we all need to feel empowered somehow, and if we can't get what we need in one way, we recognize that there are other options and try to have our needs fulfilled however we can. When those needs involve the cooperation of other people, being openly assertive is not always the most effective strategy, because it often causes a lot of unnecessary conflict and needless suffering. Being indirect is less likely to backfire. Therefore, I prefer passive aggression to overt aggression.

I prefer general diplomacy, agreeableness, and if that fails then avoidance when possible. When I feel that aggressiveness is justified and unavoidable I like to go all out. If you are going to war make it fast and bring unstopable force hehehe. I like to be prepared for arguments and counter arguments before a confrontation if possible. I'm not much one for being passive aggressive, but if that is someone's style of confrontation I can understand that.

My husband was very controlling and aggressive.I tried to compensate for that when i separated from him by spoiling them.I was always very passive aggressive and didn't know how to change my parenting style.Now my children try to control and dominate me.My new partner is a very diplomatic and understanding person,and my children listen to him more than they do me.He is trying to help me with my parenting skills.

Originally Posted by curious0610

I have a theory on this...

Children of controlling parents can be passive-aggressive in later relationships - maybe when they feel powerless and that they can't get what they want, they revert to passive-aggressively asserting themselves because they have been used to being controlled and not being allowed to assert themselves without getting rejected

Children of passive-aggressive parents can be controlling in later relationships....

This is a bit undeveloped, but I was curious to hear people's thoughts on this, on how such parenting later affects the way people interact in both platonic and romantic relationships. The above thoughts are just me thinking aloud on what I've observed in people so far. thoughts?

Yeah, attachment theory is good (as someone mentions) -- ironically, also, did people realize that the Enneagram has such things built into it? Study Riso's works and he'll talk about Karen Horney, a psychologist from the 40's, and her three strategies of moving towards, moving away, and moving against. Three enneagram types each typically follow these patterns of accommodation, avoidance, and assertion.

Anyway, what parents do is "frame" how we view the world, view authority, even view intimacy. Not only do our parents model for us what a relationship should look like, but the strategies we develop in dealing with them become the collection of strategies we take into life including into our own intimate relationships. If those strategies are ill-founded on false assumptions about relationships, then our intimate relationships will be negatively impacted.

So yes, controlling or PA parents interacting with our own unique personality will result in dysfunctional coping mechanisms that allow us to endure living under their authority while growing up, but later in life can often prove a hindrance to real intimacy. We have to basically deconstruct our old behaviors and build new ones -- painful, scary, and difficult at times.

My parents didn't overtly come after me to control me, but I avoided my father because he was unreasonable when I did talk to him. My mother was prone to oversensitivity and emotional frailty.

So I learned to withdraw, to protect myself; I learned autonomy, to take care of myself in absence of parental figures to do it for me. And then, if I could not avoid people, I learned to be accommodating so as to not hurt their feelings, leave me with guilt, and have an emotional display. This was needless to say really bad when it came to understand things that my spouse said or did (I would misread motives), and my normal responses prevented me from engaging in productive ways. When you are intimate with someone, you can actually have disagreements and even fights with them, but ultimately you come back together and figure things out. It took me a long time to be willing to pursue that, because I was scared of what could happen... and meanwhile we grew very distant.

There's things that I had to unlearn as a grownup that protected me when I was young, but later became a trap.

Originally Posted by Compassionate Misanthrope

When I feel that aggressiveness is justified and unavoidable I like to go all out. If you are going to war make it fast and bring unstopable force hehehe. I like to be prepared for arguments and counter arguments before a confrontation if possible. I'm not much one for being passive aggressive, but if that is someone's style of confrontation I can understand that.

I do agree with that as a strategy. I really hate conflict, but when I have to enter it nowadays, I just like to be prepared and it's going to be no holds barred if it's with someone who I know has no commitment to me.

(If it's with someone I have a relationship with, though, and I know they are trying to not fight but want a better solution, I do not approach it that way, since we have a mutual goal and want things to work.)

Interesting, as I didn't become passive-aggressive, just extremely aggressive aggressive. Though, I am far more prone to reactive aggression, than instrumental aggression.

One of the parents is passive aggressive, another controlling.
Both failed to parent, control or instill passive agressive tendencies.
I am an 8w7.
Active agressive when I need to be. Passive aggression is something that disgusts me to no end.
And as far as control goes, it's something that is given to you, not claimed by you over another.
Moreover, I look for a partner, not a remote-controlled toy.

I am neither of those things.
I've made it a point to be neither of those things, because I've seen them, they're not pretty.