I've liked this girl for two months, and we talked a lot initially on Facebook, then we met and hit it off pretty well. A lot of times during these weeks, i would feel intense feelings for her that were almost unbearable without being returned. Finally the other night, the ice kinda broke when I kissed her, and things started progressing forward.
I really liked that first kiss, and the kisses afterwards. But after hanging out that night, it felt like my crazy feelings were gone. I still liked her, things I would think of would make be chuckle, and the way she laughed, or what she said would put a smile on my face.
Yesterday we hung out again, and my feelings felt different again. I couldn't think of anything I disliked about her really, she was funny, she said interesting things. But the crazy feelings I use to have still weren't there. I think I really like her, but I don't understand my feelings. IT also doesn't help that I can't stop thinking about her all day long, sometimes it makes me sick because I just keep thinking about if I don't like her, and how I could hurt her eventually.
All this thinking has kind of lead me to believe that I have idealized what love really is. Maybe I'm not meant, maybe no one is, or has the kind of feelings I did in the beginning forever. Perhaps it was just my imagination, for it is very powerful, or perhaps my imagination has been influenced by all sorts of things from society. The idea of soul-mates, true love, and all that.
My last relationship before this girl was pretty much a diaster. I stayed with her way to long, because I thought I could convince myself to like her, and that it was fun having a girlfriend. I shouldn't have done that, because it was bad for both of us, and now that I have that knowledge I feel a bit paranoid about the success of future relationships.
I guess I just wan't to know if this is how most people feel in a relationship, or if something is wrong with me. I feel almost insane sometimes, as she runs through my mind endlessly. I usually cannot go to sleep because I feel so anxious, the only thing that tunes her out of my mind is music.. Elliot smith, Helios, the soft stuff.