Abuse: Warning Signs and Types

There have been a few threads on abusive intimate relations. I thought I'd post some warning signs and definitions. Domestic Abuse is not solely confined to one sex over the other. Domestic violence is abuse between intimate partners, where one partner is using different types of abuse (ie, emotional, physical,) to gain power and control over his or her partner.

Warning Signs
Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in abusive intimate partners. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person has a battering personality and a potential for relationship violence. Initially batterers excuse abusive behavior as signs of love and concern (which can very be flattering), however, as the relationship progresses these abusive behaviors become more controlling, abusive and violent.

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.
Signs: Questions who their partner talks to. Accusations of flirting. Complains of how much time is spent with others. Frequent phone calls throughout the day. Unexpected visits. Unpredictable behavior. Checking car mileage. Asking friends to watch or "spy" on their partner. Falsely accuses partner is cheating on them.

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. Will not allow the partner to make personal decisions about the house, clothing and/or going to church. Anger if the partner is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. May keep all the money and/or make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room. Will tell their partner what do, what to wear, what to say, etc.

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. May say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need, you're all I need." Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: Friends are not allowed by the abuser; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. Accuses supportive friends to be "causing trouble." Will not allow visits to or from partner's family. Moves away from partner's family and friends. Taking away the phone or the car. Insists their partner stop going to work or to school.

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

7. Blames Other for Feelings: Abusers often do not understand or want to feel any negative emotions. When an abuser feels hurt, anger, or fear, they will want to find someone to blame to make the feeling go away.
Signs: Says "you make me mad", "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask", and "I can't help being angry." Uses feelings to manipulate their partner.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting their diaper). Hurts or abuses animals. Teases children until they cry. Hurts or kills their partner's pets. Does want children to eat at the table or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. 60 % of abusers, who beat their female partner, will also beat their children.

10. "Playful" use of Force in Sex: Media has displayed forceful sex as "sexy," however, it shows unhealthy desire for power and control over one's partner. Sex is about intimacy and mutual consent. It is against the law to force someone into any sexual act.
Signs: Likes to throw down or restrain partner during sex. Wants to act out sexual fantasies where the partner is helpless. Ideas of "rape" excite them. Not concerned whether their partner wants to have sex or not. Sulks or uses anger to manipulate partner into having sex. Starts having sex with partner while partner is sleeping. Demands sex when partner is ill or tired.

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Belittles accomplishments. Says their partner is stupid and incapable of functioning without them. Very critical about everything.

12. Rigid Gender Roles: Abusers will use gender roles to restrict and control their partners.
Signs: Abusers see the opposite sex as inferior to them, less intelligent, and unable to be a whole person without them. For example, some abusers expect their partners to serve and obey them in all things, even things that are criminal in nature. Abusers may restrict their partners from working or going to school.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion.

14. Past Battering: If someone has a history of violent relationships, they are likely to abuse again (unless the abuser seeks intervention). Situational circumstances do not make a person have an abusive personality.
Signs: Many abusers have hit partners in the past. Abusers reason that past abuse was because "my partner made me do it." Relatives or ex-partners may admit past abuse.

15. Threats of Violence: Threats are meant to control and manipulate. Threats can also be illegal.
Signs: Threatens, "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", or "I'll break your neck". Excuses threats saying, "everybody talks like that."

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: Beats on tables with fists. Throws objects near their partner. Breaks partner's special possessions.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse
Signs: Holding a partner down. Physically restraining partner from leaving the room and saying "you're going to listen to me". Pushing or shoving. Cornering partner against a wall.[/quote]



Types of Abuse

Physical Abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured.

Does your partner push, hit or choke you?
Does your partner threaten to hurt you with a weapon?
Emotional Abuse can be verbal or nonverbal.

Does your partner continually criticize you, call you names?
Does your partner make all decisions for you?
Financial Abuse may include withholding resources, stealing from the victim, or using the victims name to incur debt.

Does your partner force you to work, or refuse to let you work?
Do you feel financially dependent on your partner?
Sexual Abuse is often linked to physical abuse; they may occur together, or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse

Does your partner minimize the importance of your feelings about sex?
Does your partner force particular unwanted sex acts?
Spiritual Abuse is anything that comes in the way of you doing something or feeling good about yourself.

Does your partner not allow you to practice your morals/religious beliefs or culture/values?
Do you feel that you have given up things that are important you?

Whether a couple is same-sex or opposite-sex, many dynamics of abuse are the same. An abusive relationship is fueled by the desire of the abuser to have control over his or her partner. The abuser uses different types of abuse, including: physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and spiritual.

This thread deserves a thank you award! I hate abusers. And I hate to hate.

So, what does it mean when I request my partner to "playfully" force me to have sex with him?

Originally Posted by Lady K

So, what does it mean when I request my partner to "playfully" force me to have sex with him?

I do not know. That is something for you to answer not me.

My question wasn't actually serious. The point that I failed to make is that you can't assume that someone is abusive from the criteria that you've listed. Yes, most of it is a good indicator, but it's also a generalization. A person can be commanding and controlling without being abusive. It's the extent to which they allow it to take over their life that is the true indicator of whether or not they will be abusive.

I had a guestspeaker in one of my classes this past semester and she talked to us about the vast differences in latino culture in terms of domination between a man and a woman. Often, social workers will interpret a female who appears downcast and shy around her husband as a woman who is being beaten, particularly if she doesn't speak or voice her opinion. However, this is not always the case. It is a part of the culture (for some) for a man to be outwardly dominant and controlling. In fact latinas are often offended by the concern that their relationship is abusive simply because they let their husband order their food for them, or some other such nonsense. As the speaker herself said - "why should I bother ordering and waste my breath talking when he can do it for me? He's already talking to the waiter anyways!" If there isn't a problem within the relationship, and neither parties mind the dominance dynamics, it's not abusive. That's all I'm trying to say. Labeling people as unhealthy because of the way they prefer their lives is uncool in my opinion.

Originally Posted by Lady K

My question wasn't actually serious. The point that I failed to make is that you can't assume that someone is abusive from the criteria that you've listed. Yes, most of it is a good indicator, but it's also a generalization. A person can be commanding and controlling without being abusive. It's the extent to which they allow it to take over their life that is the true indicator of whether or not they will be abusive.

I had a guestspeaker in one of my classes this past semester and she talked to us about the vast differences in latino culture in terms of domination between a man and a woman. Often, social workers will interpret a female who appears downcast and shy around her husband as a woman who is being beaten, particularly if she doesn't speak or voice her opinion. However, this is not always the case. It is a part of the culture (for some) for a man to be outwardly dominant and controlling. In fact latinas are often offended by the concern that their relationship is abusive simply because they let their husband order their food for them, or some other such nonsense. As the speaker herself said - "why should I bother ordering and waste my breath talking when he can do it for me? He's already talking to the waiter anyways!" If there isn't a problem within the relationship, and neither parties mind the dominance dynamics, it's not abusive. That's all I'm trying to say. Labeling people as unhealthy because of the way they prefer their lives is uncool in my opinion.

Right, though I think that you are missing the point. I am pretty certain this isn't supposed to be a "if a person meets any or all of these criteria then they must be an abuser". It is a list of warning signs. Of course context is important, but nonetheless for a lot of people, having signs to look for can be absolutely invaluable. Yes it's not a coverall, but something like this could really help people.

I did not miss the point - I know these are good indicators, and I know that they work. I've done quite a bit of studies on domestic abuse and the perpetuation of violence, and am a victim of abuse myself. The only thing I wanted to say is that you have to have an open mind and not accuse every person who seems to be a certain way, or seems to fit these criteria as an abuser. It is just as important to protect the innocent as it is to protect the abused. I'm not disagreeing with the list or anything like that, merely pointing out something that I feel is important to keep in mind.

I found this study about the causes of domestic violence very interesting: Prone to Violence

Thank you, Pink. As an emotionally and psychologically abused woman... I appreciate you sharing these tips and encourage anyone who is the least bit concerned about the health of their relationship to read these words.

Originally Posted by Lady K

So, what does it mean when I request my partner to "playfully" force me to have sex with him?

Ultimately, it is up to you. If you have relations with your partner that you both find exciting, positive and pleasant, then it's not really an unhealthy environment. Unless, of course, you both like drugs or drinking to excess, etc.

If you have a sexual fantasy that you need and your partner not only agrees to it, but also enjoys it. In my opinion, I would not consider it abuse. Now, if you were beaten and tied up and you were afraid, you were in pain, you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it... and it's breaking your spirit... that is abuse.