Abuse: Warning Signs and Types

I stumbled across this thread because sometimes my boyfriend states he thinks he fits the description of a psychopath....and that's not something I know how to react to.

I guess there are a couple red flags here. 3, 6, 10 (he will stop if I say no, but he does really prefer the rough stuff it seems), maybe 11, 15 (you mean it still counts when he says he's joking?)

I've never talked about my relationship in this light ever. I'm usually happy and we have fun together. You just...shouldn't hear from your boyfriend he thinks he's a psychopath.

I have no idea what to think right now.

Originally Posted by findadream

I stumbled across this thread because sometimes my boyfriend states he thinks he fits the description of a psychopath....and that's not something I know how to react to.

I guess there are a couple red flags here. 3, 6, 10 (he will stop if I say no, but he does really prefer the rough stuff it seems), maybe 11, 15 (you mean it still counts when he says he's joking?)

I've never talked about my relationship in this light ever. I'm usually happy and we have fun together. You just...shouldn't hear from your boyfriend he thinks he's a psychopath.

I have no idea what to think right now.

I think you should pay attention to finding out if you're happy or not in your relationship. Are you comfortable in the relationship? If not, you don't have to determine if he is an abuser in order to leave a relationship. Try to stay calm and be guided by your own inner voice and hear what it tells you. The answer can only come from you.

You're right... I just feel somewhat trapped since we have an apartment together now with a lease ending next year.

I'm usually happy. There has always been a part of me second guessing everything though...I'm not one to ignore my intuition. I feel so lost when I think about it.

Hmm. These red flags do happen to leave an impact on me, although I knew about such things already.

My relationship is kinda like a whirlwind, and it seems like post of these points are included in it. It's even gone far enough that he's been arrested twice and sent to court first for biting me whilst blacked out drunk, and for punching me and ripping out my earring, also after being drunk. He's been known to corner and threaten me, attempt to strangle me, force me to do things I don't want to do (sexual or otherwise)... he's usually drunk whilst doing stiff like that, but then when he's sober he ignores me, gets angry and threatens me, makes me spend money on alcohol and crap for him...

The list goes on. I've tried to get away, I've gone home countless times in the middle of the night, called taxis just to get away from him. But once he finds that I'm gone he starts constantly phoning me, leaving me messages online, being all mopey and I find that after a while I just can't ignore him. So in the end he always convinces me to come back, constantly apologises (though now him saying 'sorry' means nothing to me anymore), buys me stuff and... ugh. In the end though, I feel emotionally dead. Sex didn't mean much to be before since I was a virgin and stuff, but now I hate it with a passion since he seems to use it as a weapon against me.

Bleh, I'm rambling, I know I shouldn't really be doing that and instead become more assertive and get out of a relationship like this but... meh ><; life's become to meaningless now... and I don't really have any friends or anything to prove it should be otherwise.

Originally Posted by findadream

You're right... I just feel somewhat trapped since we have an apartment together now with a lease ending next year.

I'm usually happy. There has always been a part of me second guessing everything though...I'm not one to ignore my intuition. I feel so lost when I think about it.

If there is an abuse dynamic, you will begin to doubt your intuition. After awhile, you may not trust your ability to make any good decisions and then what will you do? If you doubt yourself more than normal or doubt him a lot, then something is very wrong; a healthy relationship will empower and inspire you. It will energize you in a positive way. Things will look better, not worse. It will make you feel more fulfilled and sure, more accepted, more loved and understood.

Abuse can be 'humor' that is actually put downs, and when you start crying or are thrown off balance, he'll say, "What? Can't you take a joke?" and there will be increasing mis-understandings. How can he not know something hurt you? Why did he think your intent was bad?

They aren't misunderstandings: you understand perfectly that he said or did something that hurt you (again) and he lead you to think you didn't understand anything. And he understands perfectly that it hurts you, because you have told him before and because it would hurt anyone, but he purposely does it anyway, but in a way that makes him seem clueless to "what you really meant."

Pinkrasputin gave good advice. Weight it all and listen to what you inner voice tells you.

Originally Posted by Lilsnowy

Remember this about red flags for abuse. The warning about unemployment is in the person's repeated refusal to seek work or repeated failures at work while blaming everyone but himself. If he constantly blames everybody else and you notice this early on, it may be a red flag for potential abuse, because eventually he will be blaming you for his failures. Plus, you may end up supporting him while he develops a sense of entitlement and treats you like crap.

I totally agree with this comment. It is called financial abuse and it happens more than people think. You can read about it here:National Network to End Domestic Violence | About Financial Abuse

I am a survivor of DV, so my heart goes out to anyone who has lived with this and those who still are.

While I'm certain he held back the full force of it, one man punched me in the face on two separate occasions. The second time, I ended up sheepishly laughing uncontrollably while shaking because I suppose I was in shock when he promised me after the first time he wouldn't hit me again. I never told even my closest girl friends this. I was too ashamed.

I also wanted to share this article on how domestic violence affects children. Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Originally Posted by Friday

"Fair Use" I suppose...

WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

That page gives me seizures and catapulted me back to the early days of the internet...

Maybe this has already been discussed (I don't want to read through the whole thread) but I think some of these signs of abuse are glaring red flags while others are quite tenuous. Obvious red flags would be things like #14 and #15. On the other hand point #1 I think is a weak sign. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are ubiquitous, especially among younger and more inexperienced people with shy personalities. For example I know a very nice INFJ girl who couldn't tolerate her extroverted boyfriends wanting to date other girls while dating her too. She was extremely jealous and insecure. She ended up happily married and is not the least bit abusive. In fact she's so jealous that she told her husband that if he died first he can't get remarried!! It's kind of weird but she's not abusive.

Fast moving relationships I can see being problematic but it's also a weak sign. For every abusive relationship that moved fast you could find a happy healthy relationship that also moved fast. Personally, I think you can get a really accurate feel for a person's moral character within 6 months or less. More especially if you are keeping your head out of the clouds by abstaining from sex until you are ready for commitment.

That's my 2cents. Interesting and good op. Thanks.