Questions about my relationship...

daniel89

Well I'm having some problems with my relationship. I need some honest answer and advice on how to keep on moving forward and handling the problems that are at bay. I'm gonna start from the beginning but I'm apologizing ahead Since it is sorta long and its all good info. :/


First time we actually hung out alone was at her dorm room. We had so much fun we lost track of time and in this time we began to PREDATE. lol anyhow but it got late quick and we lost track of time so I told her I didn't want her to drive me home as it was 3am and she agreed and i said ill be on the couch and she said its probably uncomfortable but i'm more than welcome to sleep with her. So i did and we snuggled up and went to sleep.

Almost two weeks later she called me at work and told me it be best if we stop predating and hanging out. Mostly cause of things in my life. aka Not having a GED or diploma or being in college and other things like that. (she made a pros n con list i could post it if y'all want just ask) But i was furious and i told her that someone else is influencing her decision and that this isn't something she thought about over night. Well i was correct her two friends told her i was worthless and she should drop me so she did. But during this whole 2 weeks of predating we never once kissed. And doing this for the first time in my life magnified my feelings for her. So i feel in love with her in 2 weeks...

We argued a bit and talked about it and agreed it be best if we didnt talk for a week so i could lose my love for her. After a week i did and we started chating a bit. Well my party was coming up and she said she would appricitate it if i didnt sleep with no one cause she wanted to be my next girl. Before she told me this she would talk alot about how she misses me holding her and she really liked me and still does. So i told her to follow her heart. And she talked with a good friend and her friend pointed something out none of her friends did. Almost all my cons are something that can be changed into pros. So she agreed and we started CASUAL DATING. There was a catch i had to agree before we could actually be bf and gf i would have to get my ged and enroll in college. Which i agreed to cause i need to. Also she says casual dating "title" should go over easier with her friends and parents and It will be easier for her to do instead of us being bf gf with her dealing with stress from school and such and with casual dating she wouldn't have to devote as much time to me as if we were bf n gf (even though we sleep together at-least 4 nights of the week together....

Anyhow we go on about this casual dating up till about thanksgiving where she went home for the holidays and she came back and told me i have till the time she gets back from Christmas break to have what i'm doing for my GED set in stone or she is gone (which is her way to motivate me). So i agreed, Then she left for Christmas break December 17th and all hell has hit the ceiling then... Her GPA dropped and her mom blames it on me. (None of her parents or friends from home like me due to me not being in college or having a GED) And told her she has to break up with me when she returns back to school.

Then we had a arguement over the phone cause since shes been gone I've felt as if she has been blowing me off and showing very little affection. I told her this and she replied with "omg daniel i'm stressed atm i'm hungry i'm tired and i'm sick and apparently this isn't something that is not gonna change cause my ex complained about this also." So i left her alone. And she still is the same way but i just deal with it. We also had a argument cause of me texting. apparently i'm texting her to much and i'm being overly romantic(and some of her friends agree with) to her because were casually dating and i'm trying to spend to much time with her.

So i agree sometimes i did text a little to much, and i only try to text her cause i miss her and wanna talk to her like we do when shes here at school.(which we talk tons when she is here) But the overly romantic thing im puzzled about and here why...

We Love each other and tell it to one another a lot (even though only one of her friends know we are in love...). We Have sex a lot(fucking and making love). We sleep over a lot at each other places (her dorm my house). We also spend tons of time together. We even shower together. This is my point. Casual daters don't do these things. Which makes me believe we are far past this stage but she still says we are casually dating even though shes all into what we do...

When her family and friends questions her why she is with me she tells them "he is a really sweet and caring guy that treats me perfect" and when she tells them how i don't have a GED or in college but im gonna get these things done they simply say " we don't like him dump him and leave him." But she sticks up for me? something casual daters don't do neither.

Her last bf was her frist guy she ever really did anything with(sexually) Im her second. She did tell me they were bf gf and he never would go to college he kepted putting it off and she doesnt want that from the next guy and that she deserves someone that is. therefore why i agreed to the before bf gf i needed to enroll into college. She doesnt want to get hurt like her ex bf did to her again.

1 So is it possible she has put up a wall to block herself from showing these emotions even though she loves me far beyond what casual daters are?
2 Is there a way that i could get her to break down this wall and perhaps accept me as a bf even though im not currently in college even though she truly believes i will enroll and attend college?
3 How should i talk to her about these other problems she has with me like not having enough friends and such.
4 What should i tell her to do with her friends and her parents cause she seems scared of them and is scared to even tell them we are casual dating still due to the fact they hate me and will yell and lecture her more? I honestly thinks she needs to tell them to go to hell its her life shes living and its her mistakes to make and live not theirs so mind there own business.
5 Is it possible for her and i to move to the next stage of the title after casual dating and what would it be?
6 Do you think we are past the casual dating title and stage and if so what stage do you think we are on?

Some of my problems with her are how shes changes when she goes back home and blows me off and shows me very little affection but when shes here we are like bread and butter. I also don't like how we are in the title casual dating when we are way past that and all her friends and parents think we don't love each other which to me is why they all say i'm overly romantic.

Sorry again for the such long letter its only needed due to the fact of all the explanation and what yall need to know.. Any advise will be highly taken <3

TurranMC

Don't worry about the title casual dating. It is only a title, if you are past that stage it matters not. But in general my advice is either do as you said about the GED/College thing or make some goals and set out to accomplish them. If my friend or family member was dating someone who was not actively attempting to better themselves I would suggest they break up with that person too.

daniel89

The title doesn't really bother me until like her friends or family think were just casual when we are way past that and she wont tell them otherwise. So some things that to me and her that are normal they think is way over the line cause they believe were casual dating and don't know we are in fact deeply in love and care greatly for each other. So when they point these things out saying im being overly romantic she thinks omg hes overly romantic and it bothers her cause they are thinking something is crossing the line when i guess i'm not.

Razvan

You could try to show her that you are actually preparing to do what she said would be important for her, like searching for colleges, deciding what to follow, preparing for it, studying, or at least making a plan and also , very important, involving her in this by asking her opinion, let's say you make a plan and you ask her if she could find ways to improve it. It's a 2 way thing, you show her you are keen to do it and also do something as a couple...actually it has another advantage, you show her you care about what she thinks.

You have to take one thing in consideration, you should do this because you want to do this, find something that will help you improve yourself, something that you like, maybe even take some career tests or something, don't do it because she wants it. Do it because it makes you a better person. You should not do it because she wants you to do it, if you find no other reasons to do it.

Lilsnowy

Daniel, powerful feelings can seem like love, but what you're describing sounds much more like lust much than love. I don't mean to hurt you by saying that. Clearly you are both enjoying it or it would be easier to break free. Casual dating? That's her way of saying we are not in a committed relationship and don't owe each other anything, not even fidelity. It's easy to confuse lust and love when you're young. She can have all the sensory pleasure she wants and not have to have a 'real' relationship with you cuz it's just 'casual.' There's the potential that you could eventually be raising a child together! How 'casual' would that be?

Please set some goals for yourself. Figure out your strenths, desires and goals (apart from securing a relationship with her) Become the man you are meant to become, also apart from her. She's looking down the road at a guy who won't have a decent job, or any money or financial freedom to do what you both want, and of course she doesn't want that. Maybe she is attracted to boys who has no goals because she can change you or 'save' you or maybe because it gives her an excuse not to commit. Or maybe her family's displeasure is the perfect excuse for not having to commit to you. A lasting relationship is built on more than sex and if family hates the one you date, I can promise you, it will be a very rough road. They certainly won't respect that you are not working toward anything (goals,) but even more importantly, Daniel, you won't be able to respect yourself if you don't start accomplishing something: An education is the minimum.

Even in the US prison system, an inmate has to have a GED before he can get a job in the prison sweeping floors.I advise you to break free and start over without her, focusing on goals, on personal and professional growth for awhile.

daniel89

Well to be honest i have started, I am signing up for my GED this month on the 11th, and I will be getting my license next month, also im 20 years old and very mature for it also when it comes to relationships as im not scared to commit. I have taken 4 different career test and each one they wanted me to pay for result... but Leaving her is not a option im willing to accept at this moment in time. the fact that she believes i can get my ged and enroll in college is the main part. Why else would she say we can just casual date till then then we can be bf and gf?

INFpharmacist

This story sounds bad...

So what's next? What else is she going to make you do down the line? Will you ever be able to satisfy her family?


I would suggest that you improve yourself on your terms.

Razvan

That's great! And I hope you are doing this for yourself I think you can find free personality tests ( I did mine at mypersonality<dot>info to find out that I am an INFP ) and you have some career sugestions, but ultimately, you should find out what attracts you.

I wouldn't say I am old, but lets say I have a little more experience than you (I'm 27) and what somebody posted above is great, what you have sounds a little bit like lust, liek infatueted love, rather than deep love and you know, it's normal at 20 years old, it can be normal at any age actualy, just be careful not to put her above yourself. Be relaxed and if it's ment to be, it will be, if not, it won't. Learn form every experience you can. So what I mean to say, is that don't go with "options" go with what life brings you, if something happens and it ends, be prepared to accept it, if something happens and it skyrockets into something better, again, accept it. Don't stress yourself out and don't think of a million of ways to please her, she should accept you for who you are. If her love is strong enough, she will see your efforts and appreciate them to their value, just make sure you do whatever you do because you want it too.

Razvan

I second that you have to be there mentaly as well, to want to do it, so be sure you do something that motivates yourself.

Aerorobyn

I don't mean to sound rude or show any disrespect here - but from the story given, I do not get the vibe that this is love. It is merely attraction (physical, emotional, mental, whatever it may be) - at least her on end.

Yes, she may stick up for you at times, but that isn't always love. I have stuck up for people I really disliked, because I knew that they were in the right.

This is the part that really concerns me: This girl is already trying to control you, don't you see that? Sure, she could just be looking out for your best interest because she 'loves' you - but I sincerely doubt that. A woman in love would not tell her man, "Do this or else I'm gone". She would tell him, "I would like for you to do this, it would really mean a lot to me, and if you promise you will then I will stand by you".

My suggestion would be to make this girl your last priority. Put yourself first. Do what you need to do to get through in life - and don't take demands from her. Just imagine what it would be like in the future if y'all did happen to get married or something - she would have you on a very tight leash if she's already putting this much pressure and control on you.

Break free, my friend!