Military girlfriends/wives

Originally Posted by INTJ the DC

So because I don't agree with your opinion it's lame? Whatever it's coming off I can assure you it's not jealousy, I just have a strong opinion that does not agree with your own.

No. This is not what you did and I won't over look what you tried to make the argument about:

Originally Posted by INTJ the DC

Sounds like a pretty good case of hero worship. And it's easiest to worship something you're never around because then you can spend time idealizing them much easier.

It's not simply because you "disagree with my opinion". Nice try. It's because you tried to taunt and put an inaccurate label on motivations and condescend. Who ever stated that they are "never around" their military partner. Did you think that you could state these opinions as facts and not get called on it?

Like I said I have a lot of family and friends who are military and ex military. And why would I date someone from the military if I just told you why I thought they were terrible "relationships". I try not to make a habit out of doing things that I deem are bad ideas, not unlike shooting heroin in my veins.

I don't know if you are aware of your backpeddling now. But you do realize you accused us of hero worship and not spending enough time with our men? I've spent more time with my army guy than away from him. I don't know where you are getting your distorted "facts" from?

1) You are pretty much never around your significant other
2) You have kids with someone who are pretty much never around your children
3) You typically move far away from your friends and family

Instead of generalizations, give me statistics. Give me which branch you are speaking of? Yes, military families spend time apart. I'm also an actress. Do you have any idea how much time we spend apart from our loved ones? Yep, it takes a lot of trust and individuality to be in relationships like these.

Your original posts were not "I" statements. If they were, I wouldn't have responded. You were not stating personal preferences about what you liked or didn't like. You were posting blanket statements, therefore you get an opposing viewpoint.

It seems like you're the type of person that doesn't believe anyone can have a logical and strong opinion about something unless they experienced it first hand.

Or perhaps you just suck at stating personal opinions. Don't blame me for your complete break down in communication and blatant agenda exposing.

My rebuttal to your future rebuttal is can tell you that I don't need to fall from the empire state building to know I'll probably die. But experience tells me you'll just chuckle to yourself and think "he doesn't know nothing cause he hasn't done it" and you'll be quite content with that. So carry on.

Originally Posted by INTJ the DC

And I also don't necessarily think the military relationship is a bad thing for everyone as many people do in fact get along better when they are not around each other. Someone like myself who's love language is quality time is never ever going to think military relationships are great and of course I'd be of the mindset that if you don't really even spend time with your spouse it's not a relationship. However to indirectly suggest jealousy or that my opinion is due to being naive is beyond laughable.

Laugh all you want. Military relationships or any relationships may work well not because of time apart, but because of loyalty, trust, and commitment involved.

IMO, you sound insecure about being away from your partner for two seconds.

Originally Posted by pinkrasputin

No. This is not what you did and I won't over look what you tried to make the argument about: It's not simply because you "disagree with my opinion". Nice try. It's because you tried to taunt and put an inaccurate label on motivations and condescend. Who ever stated that they are "never around" their military partner. Did you think that you could state these opinions as facts and not get called on it?

I am still of the opinion that there is a ton of hero-worship and nothing in your post has done anything to counter that, in fact you just enforced it. It seems like the military wives need to post things about their husband being a hero every chance they get on social media like facebook. I am of the belief it's what helps them hold onto the relationship: the feeling that they are obligated to someone because they are a hero... which is why they seem to always need to reinforce it and seek public approval. I don't see what's inaccurate about what I said, are you suggesting that being a hero has nothing to do with military relationships? Laughable. And they pretty much aren't around, how many days a year are you away from someone who is serving? And yes my opinions are facts about the types of relationships that I think they are.

Originally Posted by INTJ the DC

I think a lot of military wives are like prison wives. Both are imaginary "relationships". The big difference is that a lot of military wives hero worship their spouse and knock out kids when they get back from deployment every chance they get.

When someone states they: THINK... it's about expressing their feelings and opinions not stating facts. Using your logic I can conclude that you saying my comments were lame were also you stating them as fact? Clearly it was your opinion or a fact about how you felt about my comments. Same phenomena.

I don't know if you are aware of your backpeddling now. But you do realize you accused us of hero worship and not spending enough time with our men? I've spent more time with my army guy than away from him. I don't know where you are getting your distorted "facts" from?

Do you seriously think you're going to make me backpedal on something I have strong feelings about? lol. There is not backpedaling only my attempt at clarification for the assumptions you made which are not accurate. You obviously didn't get that saying "I think" is part of stating your opinion for some reason so that needed clarification. This seems to be a situation that you want to win, if that's the case fine you can win. If you want i can shower you with praise?: You're extremely awesome and a logic master and I backpedal at anything you don't agree with because the last thing I'd EVER want to do was lose an internet discussion/fight with you. Happy?

If that's all you're seeking then I hope you're satisfied you with my response. I aim to please :) And once again it's not distorted when a military person is deployed they are not with their families. Last time I checked having a wife and baby on the battlefield is frowned upon. So with that I have no idea where you are getting your distorted facts from either.

Instead of generalizations, give me statistics. Give me which branch you are speaking of? Yes, military families spend time apart. I'm also an actress. Do you have any idea how much time we spend apart from our loved ones? Yep, it takes a lot of trust and individuality to be in relationships like these.

If you want statistics you have access to google yourself, feel free to look it up and post them on here. I'm not going to post a bunch of useless statistics as all open to interpretation. I think (There's that word again. NOTE: OPINION COMING!!!) being away from your significant other and children for months at a time is a huge deal while you obviously don't. And I know no one who served in the military who didn't move out of the city they were from.

Your original posts were not "I" statements. If they were, I wouldn't have responded. You were not stating personal preferences about what you liked or didn't like. You were posting blanket statements, therefore you get an opposing viewpoint.

How about "I think".. that seems to be a trend? If that doesn't work refer to my original quote within this post that is above... and pay attention to the underlined part. Why would I care if someone had an opposing viewpoint? My goal isn't to try and convert people to "my side" it was only to express my feelings on the subject. That seems to be the point of the majority of forums. Share opinions and create discussions and the reality is not everyone is going to agree with you. Never was afraid of discussion if I was I'd simply not have posted my feelings or responded to you. Logical right?

Or perhaps you just suck at stating personal opinions. Don't blame me for your complete break down in communication and blatant agenda exposing.

Haha you argue just like an ENFP. Newsflash it's not my first trip to rodeo with one. Typology at it's best. You all seem to try and convert people to your viewpoints and need to feel like you "won" and think you're awesome at debating or something. And the reason someone like me gets on your nerves is you see the things in me that annoy you about yourself which is why your quote above coupled with the following quote make me laugh due to the irony:

Did you think that you could state these opinions as facts and not get called on it? ....Instead of generalizations, give me statistics.

I'm admittedly arrogant about things I have strong opinions on so let me just inform you that the last thing you're going to do is shake my extreme confidence on something I have strong opinions on with petty attempts to look into the essence of who I am or something. If you should know anything about INTJs then you should know that when people disagree with us we usually think it's just because they don't really understand.. hence the clarification.

Oh and I just saw the last addition to this post. As I said before it has nothing to do with insecurity a point you seem to try and harp on lol. It has everything with how I like to express my love to someone and how I like to receive it. Also a bit different being gone from someone for 2 minutes vs months, wouldn't you say?

Speaking of the devil on my facebook wall today, literally just seconds ago lol:

Serving in the military is immoral. Nationalism and patriotism is immoral and I do not see soldiers as heroes but instruments of death. This is my objection to such a relationship.

I keep thinking up more advice. Honestly, whatever is making your relationship work now will probably keep it working over the next 4+ years.

If you have shared hobbies/ interests find ways to incorporate them into gifts and visits. Visit each other a lot. Talk a lot. Do all that good Dr.Phil like relationship stuff.

Try to become friends with some of the other wives and girlfriends, they'll understand what you're going through better than anyone else. As hard as your normal friends will try and as supportive as they'll be they will never quite get it.

INTJ the DC Stop hijacking my thread, and answer the question at hand. If your advise about dealing with a military relationship is to not have one, then thank you for your input, now move on.

My reading of your comments is that you have the impression people make an active choice to be in a military relationship, because they specifically want that "type" or flavour of relationship. Such comments seem niaive at best. People choose (maybe they don't even have a choice) to love other people, the job they do, how far they live away all are secondary. A relationship with any depth is not based upon someone wanting to have relationship with a soldier, fireman or doctor; your profession is just one facet of who you are.

Personally, I have spent some of my relationship long distance with my boyfriend. I did not choose to be in an LDR over a more "normal" kind of relationship, but I chose to be with him and that is the reality we've had to deal with. Similarly, I did not choose to be in a relationship because he was in the military. At the time we started a relationship, he was not in the military, nor did I have any idea that he would ever have to be. But I chose to be with him, so this is the reality I have to deal with.

On a side note, my love langage is also quality time, and I would challenge you to consider the possibility that time may be of greater "quality" when it is a precious commodity (i.e. when you're far apart), than when you see each other all the time, but rarely make the active choice to spend time with one another.

KneeSeekerArrow He does not have a choice. He is a Korean citizen, and therefore is legally obliged to do at least 2 years military service.

metalme 2 years.

Pete The Lich That was funny! :-D

Greencup, Laney, pinkrasputin - Thank you for your useful and constructive advice.

Just FYI, INTJDC, but @pinkrasputin is one of the finest posters around here. Truly wise and extremely logical. You may disagree with her, but she's worth a bit of deference and civility. You may have pegged her wrong and that's a shame 'cause she's a useful person to be on the right side of.

JackParrish - Thank you, I agree!

Originally Posted by angelictroublemaker

INTJ the DC Stop hijacking my thread, and answer the question at hand. If your advise about dealing with a military relationship is to not have one, then thank you for your input, now move on.

My reading of your comments is that you have the impression people make an active choice to be in a military relationship, because they specifically want that "type" or flavour of relationship. Such comments seem niaive at best. People choose (maybe they don't even have a choice) to love other people, the job they do, how far they live away all are secondary. A relationship with any depth is not based upon someone wanting to have relationship with a soldier, fireman or doctor; your profession is just one facet of who you are.

Personally, I have spent some of my relationship long distance with my boyfriend. I did not choose to be in an LDR over a more "normal" kind of relationship, but I chose to be with him and that is the reality we've had to deal with. Similarly, I did not choose to be in a relationship because he was in the military. At the time we started a relationship, he was not in the military, nor did I have any idea that he would ever have to be. But I chose to be with him, so this is the reality I have to deal with.

On a side note, my love langage is also quality time, and I would challenge you to consider the possibility that time may be of greater "quality" when it is a precious commodity (i.e. when you're far apart), than when you see each other all the time, but rarely make the active choice to spend time with one another.

Hijacking your thread? Hilarious. If you post anything in a public forum and people respond it's not called hijacking just because it's not what you wanted to hear. If you don't want another's perspective, simply don't ask for one or make sure to ask people who always tend to agree with you. The event that lead to a response, which may have upset you, was only due to your actions.

Everything is an active choice when it comes to who you choose as you partner, unless you're suggesting you're in some sort of arranged marriage. To suggest you have no choice is ridiculous. "People choose maybe they don't have a choice"... that statement makes no sense they always choose, the right to choose is one of man's most empowering gifts.

People take the career or potential career of their partner into consideration all the time, i have no idea why doing that would be considered "lessening the depth" of the relationship. Oh you're a pornstar? Yeah probably not going to work out. Oh you embalm people for a living? Creepy, yeah probably not going to work out. Oh you're a entrepreneur who is never home because of your constant business trips around the world? Probably not going to work out. Oh you have no job and you've been working at walgreens as a cashier for the last 10 years and you have no goals in life for yourself? Eh, probably not going to work out. All examples of taking career into consideration, and it happens all the time.

"I love you but now you're going to live in another country, that's okay because I have no choice but to be with you and if I leave you it shows I lack commitment to relationships and depth"... really? I mean that's cool if that's the way you feel but that would never come out of my mouth. I'm not suggesting that careers are the only determinant but to suggest they don't have a significant impact and you have no choice but to be with someone despite their career is silly.

Everyday you wake up and choose to be with him, that's the reality. The way you talk about it sounds so passive, ill-fated, and fatalistic to me. Martyrdom comes to mind from you by the way you speak about having no choice but to love.

Quality time is about getting undivided attention to strengthen the relationship. You can be with someone all the time and not get much quality time which is why reunions would be something that seem so powerful: You have someone paying attention to you and excited to see you. As I said before, lots of people get along better apart then together ... and a lot of that has to do with the fact that it seems like a partner cares about you so much when you reunite because they tend to put you as the highest priority maybe they can tell you a bunch of uncharacteristic sweet things, be uncharacteristically touchy and feely, or whatever your love language is .... and even when they don't you can easily justify it as "Hey, they've been gone for a long time they need to catch up with other people too so I can't be selfish". I still feel such relationships are very similar to a prison "relationship" because you always get a chance to put on your best face forward. The relationships I've seen fail are just like this and once the guy comes back to stay for good the couple realizes they can't stand each other. You realize hey they are always here and they don't really give me what I want, they seemed so excited to see me before. You can play the dating/euphoric type of thing for much longer when you're apart but the crap hits the fan when they are home and you've been living together for over 2 years and you're suddenly unhappy. If you've read the love language book then you should know exactly what I'm talking about.