Women flirting vs. being friendly - your thoughts?

I have seen many posts and threads here about women who flirt, and what it means/doesn't mean. Inevitably someone chimes in that they might not BE flirting in the first place. I think there's a thread of misunderstanding around this topic so I wanted to engage a conversation.

Men, what do you see women doing that you consider to be flirting? What would they do if they are just being polite and friendly? How are they different?

Women, what do you do when you want to demonstrate sexual interest? Especially those things that differ from how you are when you're being friendly?

I have had my enthusiastic energy, smiles, laughter, generosity, and efforts to help others feel comfortable grossly misinterpreted many times. Women, have you had a similar experience?

Mhm. Just because someone is of the opposite sex, and I'm being friendly to them, doesn't mean that I'm -interested- or -attracted-. If they pull their head out of their ass and watch me interact with anyone else, including women, children, animals, plants, inanimate objects -- I engage everything in about the same way. If I show extra interest, sorry but its still the same thing, just a little more perhaps.

If I'm -actually- sexually interested, then we have known each other for a while and I feel comfortable enough to be direct or touch them in a suggestive way. Its obvious at this point.

Men, what do you see women doing that you consider to be flirting? What would they do if they are just being polite and friendly? How are they different?

I usually confirm a woman is flirting with me when they tap or touch me (like on the shoulder or with her feet) in a playful manner or longer eye contact with hair play.

Without those, I can't really confirm that she isn't just an extremely friendly or bubbly person or is flirting.

Originally Posted by sparkles

I have seen many posts and threads here about women who flirt, and what it means/doesn't mean. Inevitably someone chimes in that they might not BE flirting in the first place. I think there's a thread of misunderstanding around this topic so I wanted to engage a conversation.

Men, what do you see women doing that you consider to be flirting? What would they do if they are just being polite and friendly? How are they different?

Women, what do you do when you want to demonstrate sexual interest? Especially those things that differ from how you are when you're being friendly?

I have had my enthusiastic energy, smiles, laughter, generosity, and efforts to help others feel comfortable grossly misinterpreted many times. Women, have you had a similar experience?

I think there's also different goals sometimes when it comes to flirting. I like to flirt, but I'm also in a committed relationship so I have no end goal in mind either than I find it kind of fun sometimes. But I also only flirt in a pretty superficial way and at a distance - so if someone came up to me and was trying to hit on me I would shut it down ASAP because I'm not after anything and I don't like to lead people on. I just enjoy the flirty energy - I'll give looks or say certain things, but most of my flirting is pretty subtle and most of it is directed at my SO. When i do want it to go somewhere, I'll be quiet direct, lots of touching, lots of bedroom eyes looks, etc. The touching is a big clue when I'm flirting.

But I've also had my friendliness be confused as flirty-ness and it's a very frustrating thing. I'm a very friendly person - if I meet someone random I like to chat with them and I'm a very cheery, smiley person so I think sometimes people take that as "she's into me" but really, that's just the way I am all the time. Lots of people seem to be attracted to that kind of energy, but being friendly, smiley, and happy doesn't mean I want to sleep with whoever I'm speaking to.

I had an experience at a hotel a few months ago. The man who checked my friends and I in was probably about 20 years my senior but he was very friendly and helpful - he just checked us in, my friends and I had a very brief, friendly chat with him while he did his computer stuff, and then we went up to our rooms. At 1AM we realized we had no TP so I went downstairs to ask the front desk. This fellow was there alone, eating a meal and watching soccer on the TV. I told him what I needed and he left to go get the TP. He came back and gave them to me and then started asking me what I was doing in the city, what I do for a living, etc. I was starting to get uncomfortable so I was slowly moving towards the elevator. At this point, we were standing across from each other in front of the elevator in a very narrow hallway - the elevator came and he said "So how should we end this, with a kiss?" and just leaned in going straight for my mouth, while I ducked my head out of the way and said something like, "Ah, no, I'm not comfortable with that." I darted into the elevator and as it closed he said "This is just between us, right?"

I was so disgusted and angry that I wasn't allowed to just be myself because some guy took my friendliness as an invitation to jump at me. And then the next day I took a cab and was chatting with the driver and when i got out he gave me his personal phone number and told me to call him sometime. Again, I was pissed that I couldn't just interact with a random stranger and have it be just that. Maybe Toronto just has more douches.

But to be honest, those experiences are fairly rare.

@sleepyhead

I think that some men are lonely and not used to anyone being friendly to them, that when they meet an 'attractive' female whos just friendly to everyone (including you buddy, yes) - they don't know what to do with themselves.

I have a somewhat similar issue. I blame my enneagram sx variant. I just have an extremely intense sexual energy, but I'm not beaming it at any guy in particular.. its just a vibe I carry unwittingly. When I interact with people, some hate me immediately, some immediately think theres an attraction between us. Me, I just feel normal, but I see the reactions are strong. I started trying to pull my energy in instead of just let everyone touch it, because I'm an introvert and I don't want to deal with all of this mess.

@Promethea - yes, exactly. I interact with everyone in my light-hearted and smiley way. It's easy to get me laughing but that's true regardless of who is trying.

@sleepyhead - oh my, that's terrible. It's a shame you went through that with the hotel guy - how creepy. What is with people. I have gotten numbers in a similar fashion before, I guess I just seem approachable or something. But that doesn't mean I'm interested!

@KingFrog - that is a better gauge than just going by how the woman is talking to you. But even then, if I have a friend who teases me I may not stop and think, oh he is flirting I better shut him down. So I might respond in that same playful manner, but in my mind it is more like how a sister would punch a brother than how I'd punch a guy I want to sleep with.

A lot of us males are rather terrible at picking up subtle variations in a woman's attitude.
So simply acting kind is enough to give many of us pause.

Flirtation vs Friendly behavior depends entirely on the people in the situation. What I consider to be a flirtatious gesture, another person would simply see as being friendly, and vice versa. You can't blame a person for misinterpreting your actions. Not saying you can't get annoyed, but some understanding is good there. Even someone as socially inept as me has noticed that sometimes I get overly friendly and maybe it can be misinterpreted.



I've had a female friend complain about how many guys confuse her friendly, outgoing demeanor, with flirtation. Frankly, I can see why some men would confuse it. She is an extremely friendly and caring person. The kind of person that is genuinely interested in how your day was when she asks you and isn't just making conversation. This interest causes a lot of men she meets to confuse it for attraction. This does not mean you have to stop being the way you are. You simply have to learn to deal with these misunderstandings. You WILL hurt people, but everything you do can cause that. No reason to feel bad about it.

Originally Posted by Promethea

@sleepyhead

I think that some men are lonely and not used to anyone being friendly to them, that when they meet an 'attractive' female whos just friendly to everyone (including you buddy, yes) - they don't know what to do with themselves.

I have a somewhat similar issue. I blame my enneagram sx variant. I just have an extremely intense sexual energy, but I'm not beaming it at any guy in particular.. its just a vibe I carry unwittingly. When I interact with people, some hate me immediately, some immediately think theres an attraction between us. Me, I just feel normal, but I see the reactions are strong. I started trying to pull my energy in instead of just let everyone touch it, because I'm an introvert and I don't want to deal with all of this mess.

Wow, I didn't even think about the sx variant but I bet that's part of the problem for me also. I tend to ooze sexuality whether I'm trying to or not. I have to intentionally make my presentation cold and annoyed to shut people down sometimes. I would rather not do that, though. I want to connect with people without my intentions being misunderstood.

Originally Posted by sparkles

Wow, I didn't even think about the sx variant but I bet that's part of the problem for me also. I tend to ooze sexuality whether I'm trying to or not. I have to intentionally make my presentation cold and annoyed to shut people down sometimes. I would rather not do that, though. I want to connect with people without my intentions being misunderstood.

Even from this short description, I think you probably are afflicted with sx. Its a hell of a thing to shake. I usually want to just be unnoticed and left alone as a non-so introvert. I'm sx/sp. So its like, if I won't have my own strong pull toward something, it can go diaf. Instead, they chase me down, and I'm thinking nooo nooo noooo!

Misunderstandings -galore-. I was reflecting on past misunderstandings since I started posting in this thread a little while ago, cringing at them. And a lot of times, its like I can tell a guy is thinking theres something there, but he isn't saying it, or making any moves -- so how I do correct him. Ugh.

Originally Posted by Cheveyo

A lot of us males are rather terrible at picking up subtle variations in a woman's attitude.
So simply acting kind is enough to give many of us pause.

Flirtation vs Friendly behavior depends entirely on the people in the situation. What I consider to be a flirtatious gesture, another person would simply see as being friendly, and vice versa. You can't blame a person for misinterpreting your actions. Not saying you can't get annoyed, but some understanding is good there. Even someone as socially inept as me has noticed that sometimes I get overly friendly and maybe it can be misinterpreted.

I've had a female friend complain about how many guys confuse her friendly, outgoing demeanor, with flirtation. Frankly, I can see why some men would confuse it. She is an extremely friendly and caring person. The kind of person that is genuinely interested in how your day was when she asks you and isn't just making conversation. This interest causes a lot of men she meets to confuse it for attraction. This does not mean you have to stop being the way you are. You simply have to learn to deal with these misunderstandings. You WILL hurt people, but everything you do can cause that. No reason to feel bad about it.

You say you can see why men would confuse her demeanor with attraction - but I can't see it. I am genuinely interested in people whether I have the hots or not. Would you elaborate on how this is such an understandable mistake to make?

I wouldn't say I am placing blame. It is just frustrating because it makes me feel like I need to change how I am with people and that isn't easy to do. I would rather there not be misunderstanding because I'm not in the habit of trying to hurt others anyway.

I wish guys would pay more attention to how we act with other people before they assume we are giving signs of interest.