I am about to retake a computer science course. I was thinking about why I did poorly, and I realized - I am worried about infection!
Every course I take... I feel I am not getting the crystal clear Ti standard of understanding I so desire. It feels like I am being pulled through a survey of the material much too quickly. I want to get EVERYTHING TOGETHER before I move forward.
I worry that these university courses will clutter up my mind. I will start memorizing formulas, losing out on the opportunity to DEEPLY learn. I will get a suboptimal understanding of the material and then be passed on to the next course. Over time, the lack of understanding will accumulate until I have no idea what is going on.
I will set lower standards for mastery as a result of pressure from the university I am in, and that will change me.
I don't want to be a half assed collection of useless shit I memorized to pass an exam. I want MASTERY.
Thinking back to high school... I never tried to satisfy my Ti cravings in classes, and I did pretty well in them. I kept my quest for real understanding outside of school, and just did half assed Ti to understand the material enough to pass classes. I don't know if I even remember that material.
Maybe setting high Ti standards in classes is a set up for failure. Maybe if I didn't want to get everything down perfectly, things would be much easier.