[KateMarie999]

Hello, my fellow NFs!!

For those of you who were raised by sensors and especially those who don't have any intuitive family members, do you feel disconnected to your family?

Let me explain. My parents are ISTJ and ISFJ. My brothers are ESFJ and ISFP. My grandparents are ESTJ, ISTJ, ISTP, and ISFJ. So the people who were around me most of the time in my life were all sensors and simply didn't know what to do with such an extremely intuitive child. So instead of trying to nurture my natural intuition, they tried to stifle it. They kept telling me I was wrong to think like that. I felt like I was trapped in a prison.

Then I read all about the NF type. How they prioritize family. I don't do that. But then as I thought about it, I guess I sort of do. I desperately want to be supported and loved and understood the way a family is supposed to. But my family isn't that kind of family. I'm a failure and a disappointment to them. I feel like I'll never get that kind of support and that I missed out.

I didn't really think about it until I started dating my boyfriend. He's an ENTP and his parents are ENTP and ENFP. And he's incredibly well adjusted and comfortable in his own skin. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on the kind of love and support I'm missing in my life. And instead of being happy for him, I just want to punch something. Maybe if my parents had made an effort to try to meet me at my level, I'd have the self confidence to put myself out there. I wouldn't feel like a freak or a failure because I don't fit into their perfect mold. I wouldn't be afraid to be myself and to be a bit spontaneous and crazy and ridiculous. Maybe I'd be the kind of person my boyfriend brings out of me all the time. And maybe I'd actually have successes in my life. But I feel like it's too late, my family threw me out of their perfect little lives for being too different.



It's not that they don't love me or that I don't love them. But as an NF, I desire a deep connection and an intimacy in my relationships that my strongly SJ parents simply cannot and will not provide. It's breaking my heart not being able to have that closeness that everyone else seems to have. I want to be me because I love being an NF, I love the way it makes me feel and the way I think but I also hate how it makes me feel gypped when I'm around my family. I've tried everything and it's like they can't love me as deeply as I need them to. They're just never going to understand me and I really, really need them to understand and embrace me and support me.

I don't want to sound selfish. I do try to be a good daughter and sister. But I feel a more intimate connection to my dog than I do to my own parents.

What can I do? Does anyone else feel this way?? Am I alone?

[Yomotsu Risouka]

You're definitely not alone. I feel the same way not only about my family, but about people in general--as a child, I was consistently punished for my Ne traits, and pretty much the only part of me anyone ever valued was my intellect. As a result, I became severely skewed in favor of Te... I've spent most of my life in a Ne-Te loop, and most of my Fi values are basically antisocial in nature. I probably seem more like an INTJ than an ENFP sometimes.

As for what you can do... I really wish I knew. SJs aren't exactly the most understanding of people...

If nothing else, you can always rely on the support of a new family you create, though, right?

[Blickwinkel]

I hear you Kate, my family is very much the same way. Just about everyone I'm close to is SJ lol. I really have a hard time communicating with my family too :\

Think of it like this. At least you found someone who you can relate to. Yes, you may always have trouble reaching out to your family, but at least you have people in your life that you can relate to. As tenebrae said, if nothing else you can relate to your boyfriend and his folks, as well as any friends you may have.

[petitpèlerin]

Yes, I relate to that. My mother is an ISTJ and we're as close as we possibly can be, but it just doesn't tap the deeper part of me. I wish it could but it can't.

As an ENFP I would guess it's even harder for you. One of my good friends is an ENFP and he says his family never had any idea who he was. I don't know their types but it sounds like the women are SJs and dad was NT or SP. I know it was hard for him. In his twenties he left Europe and moved to the US. He's been here ever since. And he has friends here who "get" him. Like me. I think maybe that's what it takes: realizing the limitations of our relationships with our family, and developing friendships that meet those deeper interpersonal needs.

[Daniel6]

Although I'm not an NF, I identify with your situation. Except I think that it must be even worse for an NF--especially an ENFP--to be surrounded by Sensing family members like that with no iNtuitives in sight. I also don't think you sound selfish at all. We're human beings who want to be loved and understood, and as you bluntly pointed out, that type of empathy is something your family simply can't provide for you on the level you yearn for. I know the frustration and melancholy derived from being able to completely understand everyone in your family while not being able to be understood yourself.

But on the plus side, as Blickwinkel pointed out, your ENTP boyfriend seems to be finally providing you with the kind of outlet you've always wanted. I think you'll just need some time to wrestle with the bitterness and envy you feel about the solidarity he experiences in his family and your lack thereof in your family. I also think that if you fulfill your potential as an ENFP (which is a lot), your family may come to appreciate your talents and successes and, even more importantly, you.

[liza_200]

Yes. I can. My ENTP sister doesn't lives me with, so I've to deal with my sensor parents. I love them alot, but sometimes I do feel disconnected. I better say most of the times, especially when I'm in home for the whole day.

[KateMarie999]

I know prejudice against sensors is bad and I do value their opinions but I really think too many intuitives grow up thinking they're crazy or defective because they don't think like their family members do. It's ridiculous; there should be intuitive support groups or something...

[snowbell]

I know prejudice against sensors is bad and I do value their opinions but I really think too many intuitives grow up thinking they're crazy or defective because they don't think like their family members do. It's ridiculous; there should be intuitive support groups or something...

I agree here. It would be helpful to people to know that they aren't defective or broken for being more F than S or whatever the case may be.

[KateMarie999]

Yesterday, I sort of looked around the room and thought "how do sensors even see this room?" Probably much different. The problem is I just don't think I can tap into that. There's a huge difference between the way I process everything and the way my family does. My boyfriend and all of my closest friends see the world the way I do (my closest friends are all NFs). Even my therapist is an ENFJ (not strongly J either so I don't feel too intimidated). One of my best friends, who I'm pretty sure is an ENFP, grew up with strongly SJ and SP family members and had it even rougher than I did. Her family would actually hit her for exhibiting some of her natural intuition. My parents never did that at least.

It's still really hard. I'm going to see my boyfriend today and while I know I'm going to get all the reciprocated Ne I could ever want, I can't help but be jealous of him for getting that all his life while I had to search high and low for fellow intuitives. I remember the intense connection I felt to my first best friend (ENTP) and I wasn't even sure why. Now I know it's because she really understood my thought process. And my subsequent best friends have all been intuitive (except one ESTJ but in my defense, he had very developed Ne). I've dated 2 sensors (ISFP and ESTP) and while they were nice, they just weren't very interesting to me. I think I amused them though.

Still, my friends go home at the end of the day and I'm stuck with my mostly SJ family. Looks like there's no way to have that deep family connection I yearn for. I guess I'll have to marry my boyfriend. ;)

[Mattylad]

I've had similar problems. My parents however have been very kind to me I don't think they have a real problem - then again, my mum is an immunologist and my dad is a bioinfamatician working on GM crops so could this have affected it? However I've felt more isolated at school, with pratically no-one thinking like I do and been somewhat demoralised by it. It's fustrating, but I'm amazed at myself that I've stuck by myself for so long.