[Risen from Ashes]

Inspired by this thread: NF Girls, What do you look for in a guy?

Its easy to make a long list of hopes and expectations of the guy/girl you want to marry, but none of us is really perfect. I'm going to turn this whole thing upside down, and ask you:
1. What do you think you have to offer someone else
2. What things would you like to work on?
3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?



Note: If you quote me, please don't number your replies without the original questions... I'm a forgetful person and it really annoys me when people do that in survey/question type threads. Its ok in the first few posts after the original, but after that, it can get really confusing!

PS: Feel free to quote your original post in the other thread (or a similar thread about your ideal boy/girl) here, so we can compare your preferences, and what you have to offer others. Thanks!

[Alysaria]

1. What do you think you have to offer someone else?
Support, affection, trust, and free entertainment.

2. What things would you like to work on?
I'm not the most orderly person and I get really whiny when I'm not feeling well.

3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?
I don't know.... Most traits I admire, I at least try to have....like integrity, honesty, patience, wisdom, and common sense. :P

[Risen from Ashes]

My original post:

What do I look for in a guy

What do I have to offer a significant other?

Spiritual- I desire to know God as well as I can, and raise Godly kids. I want to be well known and liked at my church, and be someone that people come to with good news, when they want advice or a mentor etc. I want to be part of a family that is lead by prayer, and that's main focus is on love for others, and for God.

Dating/fun/romance- I am willing to go out, and stay in, but it has to be a mixture of both, usually, I would rather stay home, but I think its more about being a little bit shy at the moment then anything else. Once I have established who my friends are and what is going on, I am quite social. I don't really want to add anything else here, because I already made a list of what ''I'' want, I feel like the rest of this list is about what he wants, and what I can do to accommodate him.

Dating/Fun/Romance-[/B] I want to be with someone who likes novelty, is always seeking out adventure and fun, likes surprises, giving gifts, watching tv/movies and snuggling on the couch, the kind of guy who will write songs about me/us, will contact me regulary, someone who likes dressing up with me, is proud to be my boyfriend, goes to dances and social events with me . enjoys talking in bed for a few hours after we've done *other* stuff ;-) Plans dates, takes the lead at least 35% of the time when we're going somewhere. Respects my boundaries with kissing, sex, pet names etc.

Lifestyle- I am interesting in trying different sports and activities, and living an active and healthy life- I'm not quite there yet though. I am interested in travelling the world, trying new things, etc, I have quite an extensive bucket list, so that could be a fun thing to do as a couple, and we could work on his as well. I am interested in having children, but at this stage, it is something I am unsure about... I would rather marry someone that is interested in having children, than someone that is completely closed off about it. I am open to adopting. I would be willing to have a few pets, but I am not very good at tending to their needs.

Values/Beliefs- I make an effort to be nice to everyone I meet, and whether I like someone or not, I can always pick out a few things I like about them. I try to accommodate people of different cultures/backgrounds to me, and am usually fairly accepting of those that are different to me. I am kind to those with special needs, because I have spent a lot of time with them. I try not to judge people on physical appearances, although I can be a little bit shallow when it comes to who I am willing to date. I care about the environment, people over having excessive amounts of money, fairness, equality, etc. I am against credit cards and spending money that will have to be paid back, unless it is a loan for education or buying our first home. I am against Capitalism, I think even the poorest people in the world deserve a certain standard of living, health care and education. We are all children of God!

Personal attributes- I ask a lot of questions and have a thirst for knowledge, there are many things I am interested in learning about, I would love to live for a countless amount of years of this Earth learning everything I am interested in knowing, which I think would eventually be everything. I am interested in photography, keeping blogs and remembering what has happened over the years, by recording it in some way. I enjoy making people laugh, or making something ordinary funny by pointing something out, or making a joke about it. I don't like gossip. I am open and honest when it is possible, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, I will only give out compliments if I mean them, so you can trust that I will say what I mean, and truly mean it. I strive to inspire others, and make them feel good about themselves. If someone wants help with something, I love giving advice. I am optimistic but realistic- some people think I'm being a pessimist, but I'm just expressing my feelings, or trying to make things possible/say how things really are. Not every cloud as a silver lining, but most of them do. I love the beach and would go there everyday if I could.





When I was a bit slimmer:


Physical- I am 5'8, have brown hair that I would love to change frequently, blueish green eyes and pretty good skin. I could stand to loose a lot of weight, but that is something I want to do for myself. I want to be toned, fit and healthy, to dress well and always smell nice. My voice is described as soft, and I am always being told to speak up, which I find annoying, because I don't consider myself a weak or gentle person, but my voice may be misleading. It also sounds like I've been sucking on a bit too much helium, but that isn't really my fault. I have a few freckles across my face and a ''button'' nose, according to my mother. I have broad shoulders, and have what you would call a ''pear shaped'' body, although at the moment, I am more ''apple'' like. I do not smoke or take drugs, although I do drink a little bit of alcohol a few times a year. Its not a big deal to me. I have terrible teeth, I would get them fixed/replaced if I had enough money. Obviously there are more important things though. I'm sorry :( (I'm mostly attracted with guys that have perfect teeth, slight hypocritical, no?)

- to be honest, I had trouble with this list- it basically mirrors what I wrote about me wanting in a significant other, it doesn't really have any original information on it, I do have plenty of other attributes, values/beliefs etc, but I couldn't think of anything on the spot.

What are some things you would like to work on?
I would like to have better organisational skills, be better at doing routine tasks, I would like to loose weight and get fit, I would like to sort out my financial situation and get to a stage where I don't need a partner to support me, so that if something happens, I will be okay, I would like to learn how to cook and get into the discipline of making something everyday, I would like God to be the center of my life, instead of just a small piece of it (my ideals don't match the reality!), I would like to go to church consistently, and pray everyday, but not just for things I want/need, but for less selfish reasons. I would like to manage my money better, but get over my resentment towards tithing, and be generous with people, but not overly so (will often spend more on people then they will on me, even if they have 50x more than I do, would spend $50 on a gift, when I can only really afford $5). I would like to be a little bit more open minded towards trying new things, and less fearful. I would like to be realistic about what I can afford, before committing to things, and know what I want, but find a way to earn more money, instead of spending what isn't there. I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and make an effort to understand their behaviour/step inside their shoes, if they upset me, instead of getting angry, or completely dismissing them as people. I would like to be more bold with my faith, and share it with people without fear or embarrassment, but with a enough sensitivity. I would like to be less uptight, more outgoing, and care less about what others think, over superficial things. I would like to appreciate what I have, rather than seeking out new stuff all the time. I would like to dress better, and learn how to do my makeup. I would like people to believe I am 22, rather than guessing my age as 14-17. I would rather be less reactive to things, and more proactive. I would like to find the good in bad situations, criticism etc. I would like to display an air of confidence, instead of people assuming I'm terribly insecure all the time, which is only half true. I would like to be slightly more reserved, when the time calls for it. I would like to accomplish my goals, and do the things I talk about, instead of just talking about them. I would like to get my own car, and move out.

Bad things about me- I give up on things quickly, am easily discouraged and can be bad at problem solving, if the problem is mine, or involves me. I do not deliberately lie, but if numbers are involved, I can over exaggerate on them, or embellish stories to make them more interesting, or to reflect my emotions/opinions, rather than solid fact, I need a lot of validation and praise. Sometimes I swing between being arrogant or really down on myself.

3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?
-Raised in a Christian family, and has always been a practicing Christian. I can't really say I was raised in an Atheist family, but the Christian influence wasn't strong- my parents both believed in God though.
-Experiance, on how to date a girl/guy- I've never had a boyfriend, but I have a picture in my mind of what I would want the relationship to be like. Because I come from a family of girls, guys are still a big mystery to me. I don't quite get them. I managed to really offend my first (and only) date because of this, and an offhanded comment I made about males, based on assumption.
-Someone who would spontaneously write me a sing and perform it for me- I have no musical talent, and singing in front of others (assuming there is no live band and 50+ other people singing) is embarrassing for me. I won't do it for anyone. I feel weird telling people how I feel about them, I am more likely to give compliments then write a mushy letter about my feelings and how much I love them, or show them with actions and gifts. I'm a bit awkward.
-Good with money- I care about having savings and setting aside money for retirement, but at the moment, when I get money, it leaves my hands just as quickly- there's always things I want/need.
-Someone who keeps physically fit and eats well, enjoys playing sports.
-Is kind to everyone and able to give the benefit of the doubt. I try, but I get tangled in drama, or get looked down on by people, victimised quickly by bullies etc. I find it hard not to be bitter towards some people. I wish criticism/haters would roll off my back.
-Is a trouble maker/likes playing pranks- its not that I don't want to, more that I'm not that creative when it comes to playing tricks on people- I put this down because I find it funny, and sometimes I get bored, lol.
-Doesn't argue about petty things- I have Bipolar II and get pretty irritable sometimes. I think its mostly a problem with my family, if it was a friend or something, I would probably bite my tongue.
-Self motivated. Oh how I struggle with this! I think with some of my goals, I just need a J who supports me and will check in with me everyday. So far, no one has cared enough to go along with me on this, and why would they? I think I could accomplish amazing things if I had the right partner giving me a kick up the butt when I need it.
-Doesn't get paranoid/scared easily- can protect his family, and his willing to calm my fears.
-Enjoys cooking
-Is not reserved, but knows when to keep things to himself.
-Befriends strangers with little hesitation. Is kind, caring and wants to know peoples stories.
-Remembers peoples names! Makes people in his presence feel valued.
-Is not easily manipulated or conned, can get a fair deal from people like cars salesmen etc.
-Can fix and repair things, do typical ''men'' things, and teach me how to do them!

Based on this list, and others I've made in the past, I wonder if the main types I have been attracted to have been INFJs, ENTJs and ENFPs. If thats the case, I've only ever met two or three obvious ENFP guys and I always adored them. Hmm. I think my main crush was on an ENTJ, and that I am mostly attracted to extroverts- based on the stereotypes.

[snail]

1. What do you think you have to offer someone else?

I will be emotionally supportive.

I will offer opportunities for self-exploration and spiritual growth.

I will nurture my partner, becoming an oasis in a harsh world, so that he will be confident depending on me to help him handle his difficult feelings when he is overwhelmed from conflicts with other people, or from everyday stresses.

I will always treat him as a valuable, unique, special person.

I won't objectify him for his body or for his possessions, nor will I behave as though he were replaceable.

I will remain faithful to him even in my thoughts.

I will strive to know him as deeply as possible, and I will communicate my understanding through symbolic, heartfelt, personal, homemade objects that represent various blessings.

I will let him know that he inspires me.

I will protect him from all forms of unfairness.

I will stand up for him when he is attacked.

I will let him dress however he wants, without limiting him in any of the usual ways that men are limited by society for their gender.

I will enhance his creativity by collaborating on projects he cares about.

I will make sure he always knows that he is cherished.

I will support his hobbies and friendships.

I will hug him as often as he wants, for as long as he wants.

I will be sexually adaptable for him.

I will learn what his ideal version of himself would be like, and I will help him become that person in any way I am able.

I will put all of my effort into maintaining harmony in the relationship, placing it above all of my other personal concerns, and my connection with him will be the central focus of my life aside from my relationship with God.



2. What things would you like to work on?

I would like to work on not being so verbally aggressive and fearful when I am angry. I would like to work on conflict resolution skills.



3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?

I don't expect him to be anything for me that I wouldn't be for him.

[Risen from Ashes]

@snail, aww you're so sweet :)

btw, with this "3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?" I mean more, if you cooked up your *ideal* guy in the laboratory, and he could have any characteristics- obviously ideals/perfectionism doesn't exist in reality. I think its okay to admire traits you don't have in yourself, like I seem to have a thing for musicians (and some of them even like me back!), and I don't have a musical bone in my body! Its not from lack of trying though. I can understand where you are coming from though, like if you expect someone to support you, you should support them right back!

[Grish]

...Dang, I can't think of a single thing I have to offer a partner. And here I thought my self-esteem issues had been getting much better lately. :/

[Risen from Ashes]

...Dang, I can't think of a single thing I have to offer a partner. And here I thought my self-esteem issues had been getting much better lately. :/

Sharing? Caring? Making people laugh? I bet there's heaps of things!

[Calvaire]

1. What do you think you have to offer someone else?

I will be there for you through anything.
I will be Understanding.
I will be willing to compromise.
I will be supportive.
I will be sweet.

Also you will not be sexually unsatisfied.


2. What things would you like to work on?
Oh wow I have a tendency sometimes to be jealous,especially if I don't have a reason not to be.I also can care about people too much and almost go to the extreme to make someone else happy and just I don't know focus too much energy on it and sometimes not let them be sad or have a sad moment I guess also I take on other people's stess/sadness/anger and sometimes It really weighs on me and I act out negatively. I'm also awful to argue with because I shut down and get too emotional.

3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?
I'm not sure level-headedness maybe,someone who can handle stress.Someone who can bring me back to reality.

[Grish]

Sharing? Caring? Making people laugh? I bet there's heaps of things!

Well, I can beat all the boys I know at video games. Does that count?

[snail]

@snail, aww you're so sweet :)

btw, with this "3. What qualities do you think your dream guy would possess that you don't have yourself?" I mean more, if you cooked up your *ideal* guy in the laboratory, and he could have any characteristics- obviously ideals/perfectionism doesn't exist in reality. I think its okay to admire traits you don't have in yourself, like I seem to have a thing for musicians (and some of them even like me back!), and I don't have a musical bone in my body! Its not from lack of trying though. I can understand where you are coming from though, like if you expect someone to support you, you should support them right back!

Any qualities I want? I hesitate, because if he is too much better than me, I might ruin the relationship with my insecurity.

Well, here goes anyhow:
He would be a genius, and he would have such extreme self-discipline that he would be capable of living according to his ideals, which would always be correct ideals because of his great wisdom. He would also have the determination and leadership skills to compassionately change the world for the better through charitable action.

He would be able to play any instrument he has ever picked up, both by ear and with complete knowledge of music theory. He would have perfect pitch, great coordination, and a refined sense of musical beauty.

He would be able to communicate symbolically using math, but he would also be able to explain his meanings to non-mathematical people. He would be both rational and emotional, with high sensitivity and advanced critical thinking skills.

He would have an amazing memory for details, and he would be able to correlate those details into a mental map of reality, on a physical and spiritual level.

He would have the vocabulary to communicate all of his thoughts and feelings clearly. He would be able to give interesting lectures that would be compelling, interesting and important, and he would be able to lead others onto the correct moral path regardless of their individual differences and learning styles.

He would be more skilled than I am in wilderness survival skills.

He would be good enough at gardening to provide food without having to buy it from someone else.