[IndigoAbyss]

An example would be when I got pregnant. I was so excited that when he called me from work to tell me about a job change, I also told him I was pregnant (with our second child) His response: "That's not what I wanted to hear". I wanted the excitement an hugs that usually come with this kind of news. He stressed about having another kid instead of just for the moment being happy. He loves his daughter, don't get me wrong, but does not know how to be emotional. He was emotionally distant for some time after that news.
Another time is when I was sick. I had some serious neurological issues that were difficult to diagnose. Some Drs thought MS, or Lou Gherig's disease, and till this day, I have undiagnosed neuropathies on both sides of my body. (The doctor said up to 35% of neuropathies are undiagnosed) Instead of trying to comfort me through these illnesses, he turns cold and basically tells me to get over it. He does not know how to be emotional. And forget cuddling!! I get a hug IF he thinks I need it. And it's forced. It is kind of sad at times, but I deal with it.

But, like I said before if I make a list of the good in him vs. the list of the bad, the good list is much longer. Nothing in this world is going to be perfect. I just have to deal with it.

I don't mean to be rude and I know this is an old post, but reading your response was almost too much for me.

[NaughyChimp]

What drew you to him?

He was very steady and I'd come out of a looooooong-term relationship with a lovely but financially unreliable ENTP. Someone frugal and reliable seemed so attractive to me...

[Splintered in Her Head]

I don't mean to be rude and I know this is an old post, but reading your response was almost too much for me.

So sorry to make you sad. There are a great many things he does bring to the table, and I do love him for all the positives. Yes, the above seems very sad IF that was all I had, but it's not. It's just the bad stuff. He is so honest, to a fault as you see above, but I'd rather have honesty than bull****. I had dated guys who were liars and that really hurts. I can count on him to take care of his family before he plays. Always. He is really funny when he is in a good mood, and makes me laugh so hard I practically pee myself. His Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Hyde does pop in, but as of late, I've been letting him know about it and even if he is mad to begin with for me pointing it out, he'll eventually get what I'm saying and try harder. I've even gotten flowers TWICE in the last month, and that is a rarity for him. (yes, some say that's a sign of cheating, but that's not the case with him) I think he appreciates I am trying to make us better instead of giving up like many do. NF and SJ's are a whole lot of work, but I can honestly say, it is worth it. So please don't be sad. What doesn't kill us makes us better people....

[RaRa]

One of the most frustrating things my ESFJ boyfriend of 2 years does is when I do bring up any philosophical or "out-of-the-box" topics that interest me, all he says is "you weirdo." I understand that his mind doesn't work like that & I laugh and act like it doesn't bother me...but it leaves a void for me because I have such a deep need for people that I'm close to understand my "inner world"

[pinkrasputin]

One of the most frustrating things my ESFJ boyfriend of 2 years does is when I do bring up any philosophical or "out-of-the-box" topics that interest me, all he says is "you weirdo." I understand that his mind doesn't work like that & I laugh and act like it doesn't bother me...but it leaves a void for me because I have such a deep need for people that I'm close to understand my "inner world"

I SO remember something similar with my ESFJ ex. A lot of my ideas were deemed "silly" or "weird" by him. And sometimes he'd take things critically when they weren't intended that way. Yet, he was always dishing it out.

Hmm. I'm now seeing an ESTJ and he loves my mind and ideas. But he is of the "sprung" variety. Lol. Whipped ESTJs are really refreshing. And my current ESTJ's love language is words of affirmation. I think my ESFJ ex's love language was acts of service. I think that makes a difference.

[RaRa]

I SO remember something similar with my ESFJ ex. A lot of my ideas were deemed "silly" or "weird" by him. And sometimes he'd take things critically when they weren't intended that way. Yet, he was always dishing it out.

Hmm. I'm now seeing an ESTJ and he loves my mind and ideas. But he is of the "sprung" variety. Lol. Whipped ESTJs are really refreshing. And my current ESTJ's love language is words of affirmation. I think my ESFJ ex's love language was acts of service. I think that makes a difference.

My ESFJ boyfriend's love language is DEFINITELY acts of service!
I realize now that the ways he shows me he loves me are: cleaning the house before I get home from work, doing my laundry, washing my car, buying me dinner, getting me medicine when I'm sick, etc.
For the first 2 years we were together we fought a lot because I used to nag him that he didn't show me he loved me enough. My idea of being shown love: getting love notes, being serenaded, getting tattoos together, riding horses into the sunset, being "swept off your feet".... Well, I'm sure he was baffled at why I thought he didn't show me he loved me. Recently I've come to understand that doing little every-day things for me is how he shows me he cares. And now when I come home and find my clothes folded, my dirty dishes washed, and dinner waiting for me...I truly do feel swept off my feet because I know he's really feelin' the love for me that day! ;)

[pinkrasputin]

My ESFJ boyfriend's love language is DEFINITELY acts of service!
I realize now that the ways he shows me he loves me are: cleaning the house before I get home from work, doing my laundry, washing my car, buying me dinner, getting me medicine when I'm sick, etc.
For the first 2 years we were together we fought a lot because I used to nag him that he didn't show me he loved me enough. My idea of being shown love: getting love notes, being serenaded, getting tattoos together, riding horses into the sunset, being "swept off your feet".... Well, I'm sure he was baffled at why I thought he didn't show me he loved me. Recently I've come to understand that doing little every-day things for me is how he shows me he cares. And now when I come home and find my clothes folded, my dirty dishes washed, and dinner waiting for me...I truly do feel swept off my feet because I know he's really feelin' the love for me that day! ;)

Hahaha! Yep, yep, yep! It threw me when I first saw my ESFJ ex doing my laundry. One time when I wasn't home, he completely filled my kitchen with groceries he had bought me.

Oh and think the dude LIVED for my sick time. He would buy every type of medicine possible for me, including heating pads, etc. He also bought me 20 DVDs to watch while I recovered in bed.

And taking me to dinner was always his thing. I remember whenever I'd first get into his car, he'd usually ask "Have you eaten?". And if I hadn't, he'd drive me over to one of my favorite sushi places before we did anything else.

The ESFJ and I broke up over two years ago. But we still sort of stay in tiny, brief contact. He always does the cordial "Happy Xxx" holiday text. And I already posted on this thread about how just a couple of months ago I locked myself out of my house and away from my purse. I contacted a lot of people via Facebook and few phone numbers I had. The ESFJ was the first to respond and flew right over to help me with a locksmith (he thinks he is Batman). Lol. But I will also get the "sigh... You knucklehead" type comment when he "rescues" me. But I really see it like I'm doing him a huge favor when I've let him "rescue" me. He lives for that crap and loves to be in that position.

[RaRa]

Oh and think the dude LIVED for my sick time. He would buy every type of medicine possible for me, including heating pads, etc. He also bought me 20 DVDs to watch while I recovered in bed.

Hahaha this is awesome because last week when I was sick (with just a common case of the sniffles) my ESFJ left the house for 15 minutes and came back with: an eight-pack of tissues, 2 kinds of cough drops, Chloraseptic throat spray, Vic's vapor rub, a thermometer, Breathe-Right strips, nasal decongestant spray, NyQuil and DayQuil, a big bottle of vitamin C, and a can of disinfecting spray (and everything was the most expensive, name-brand items, of course).
I never ask him to buy all this stuff for me when I get sick, but he always does...which is really sweet. However, sometimes when he does it the first thing he'll say is, "I spent so much money at the store, you don't even want to know how much." Then for the next few days he'll sarcastically complain about how he has to take care of me.....which kind of cancels out the "sweetness" right?!

[pinkrasputin]

Hahaha this is awesome because last week when I was sick (with just a common case of the sniffles) my ESFJ left the house for 15 minutes and came back with: an eight-pack of tissues, 2 kinds of cough drops, Chloraseptic throat spray, Vic's vapor rub, a thermometer, Breathe-Right strips, nasal decongestant spray, NyQuil and DayQuil, a big bottle of vitamin C, and a can of disinfecting spray (and everything was the most expensive, name-brand items, of course).
I never ask him to buy all this stuff for me when I get sick, but he always does...which is really sweet. However, sometimes when he does it the first thing he'll say is, "I spent so much money at the store, you don't even want to know how much." Then for the next few days he'll sarcastically complain about how he has to take care of me.....which kind of cancels out the "sweetness" right?!

Bwahahaha!!!!!!! Oh the memories. Totally can relate!

[AgAu]

Any NFs have experience with ESTJs? Sigh, I wish @AgAu would come back!

I'm still here! Been on a bit of a PerC holiday, but doing well. Life is a blissful roller coaster (oxymoron, perhaps?) with my ESTJ wifey.

You're with an ESTJ now? How's that all going? I always knew you were a brave woman. This is a new frontier for you, though. Is he more or less extraverted than you are? I generally drop into an introverted role around her which is fine for me, as long as I have other regular and ongoing social situations in which to fire up my extraversion.