[euges720]

Hi guys, I'm a mid-20s year-old male, and thought I might ask for your opinion on something near and dear to me. Since I don't know any of you and you don't know me, I guess I can be a bit more honest and open than usual.

I went to a different state for college. My freshman (1st) and sophomore (2nd) year, I met this other guy, Derek, and we got along great, and became fast friends. We hung out regularly, we talked, we played pool, and we had a great time. I studied abroad during my junior (3rd) year, and Derek and I still talked online often. But when I came back for my senior (4th) year, everything was different. When I was abroad, Derek had met this girl, and when I came back, our friendship became vastly differently. I know, situations like this, it's normal to feel like the third wheel. But I was more than that, I felt as though he didn't even think of me as his friend anymore. Case in point: we lived in the same bldg (coincidence) that senior (4th) year. On my birthday, he didn't say anything, no text message, nothing. In fact, I wasn't spying or anything, but I was in my apartment, I saw through the window that he went out for dinner with his girlfriend, on my birthday, without saying anything.

After we both graduated, he stayed at the same school for grad school, I went back home for grad school. We somewhat kept in touch by Facebooking/e-mailling, but it was never the same as our first two years. About a year ago, he asked if I could buy him a MLB baseball cap from my hometown. It was Christmas, and being the friend that I was, I bought it for him, shipped it, and that made him happy. A bit later, I asked him if he could get me a T-shirt with the college logo on it, he always said yes, but after 5 months, he kept saying "oh I'll get around to it".

And so, a few weeks after that, I sent him a very frank message. I told him that I missed our friendship, and that I've kept my end of the bargain, and if he wanted to keep the friendship alive, it was up to him now. (Well, I phrased it more politely, but still with the same feeling/intensity.) He didn't respond.

I know, rationally, my head tells me that he's no longer a friend, and that I should let him go. But I've found it extremely hard. I don't know... It all started after I came back from my study abroad program. And I wouldn't have traded my study abroad experience for anything, a part of me still wonders that if I stayed put, would our friendship have been different. It might have gotten worse just the same, but a part of me keeps thinking that our friendship might have been even strengthened had I not gone away for school. It's like, I blame myself for going away, for making our friendship the way it is now.

It's 7 years now since we first met, and I still ask this to myself everytime. Yes, I'm a guy, and I'm not gay. I just believe that friendship is the most important thing. I still am best friends with a buddy of mine from high school, but I just keep wondering what might have been to Derek and I. We had something great started in college, and it just ended, just like that. He's not even talking to me anymore.



And so, I don't know what I'm asking here. I know I have to let it go, but it's hard. It really is. Especially since I consider friendship to be even more important than my girlfriends, this had really hurt me. I know there's a life lesson in it, you have to learn from it and move on, but it's hard.

So I guess, my question is: how would you deal with it? He's not talking to me anymore (he never really gave a reason; maybe I was always a bit too persistent in trying to keep with touch, that might have spooked him). Let it go? Keep it in my "heart" (sorry to sound sentimental) forever? How would you deal with something like this?

Thanks,
euges720

[Sirindu]

Well, I'm very sorry for you.. It is quite refreshing to see another guy care so much about friendship. Maybe that was part of the issue- perhaps he never cared as much as you? If that's the case, then when circumstances (leaving for grad school) separated the two of you it just wasn't that important in his mind for him to try and keep up with your relationship. But it seems to me a great mistake for you to blame yourself. Even if going away did affect things, isn't it possible they only brought to light how much importance he placed on your friendship? Would you really rather have stayed at that school and continued to be friends with him all the while thinking you meant more to him than you did?

Personally, I might attempt to deal with a situation like this by telling myself that if he didn't want the same kind of friendship I wanted. Therefore it isn't worth spending any more time or energy on. If you can eventually leave this situation without feelings of resentment toward him that'll be ideal, obviously.

Another possibility is that he developed an unhealthy relationship with his girlfriend. Maybe he looked to her to fulfill needs that only friendships with other guys can really fulfill? I've seen many men do this and it's very disappointing and detrimental for everyone involved. Any way you cut it- not your fault for living your life.

(It's super hard to try to talk about anything like this with no real understanding of the situation but I thought I'd give it a shot for you. Drop anything in this post you don't find helpful. Good luck. )

[sushi]

ive always believed that friends aren't forever. like my bestfriend for 10 years might not be my bestfriend next year, and when that happens i just have to deal with it the best way i can, mostly by not caring about it. apathy is the best friend i could ever really have in such a case. it actually happened to me before too, i had this close friend in high school and we had a falling out and after we went our separate ways in college not one of us ever tried to contact each other again. even though her house is 20 minutes away from mine. its sad because when you think about the fun times you've had together and that bond you have that just dissolved into thin air just like that, and there's something you could do to get that friendship back but you never act on it, it sucks. so how did i deal with it? i don't know if this could be called dealing with it, but i just pretended not to care about it, even though i see her sometimes. it's like my friend said, fake it til you feel it, or something like that. so far it worked for me.

[walkawaysun09]

Friends may come and go, but you will always hold them in your heart forever...unless of course you got betrayed by them, then that usually leads to negative emotions.

In the end, you should remember friends come and go, but the things you learn from them (Positive and negative), are forever.

[amanda32]

Unfortunately some people don't make very good friends. It sounds like he enjoyed your company and then dropped you when he got his girlfriend.

It's hard to accept but you just have to move on. He doesn't care about you the way you do/did him. A big part of it is the unanswered questions and the rejection. Don't blame yourself though, these things just happen.

Let it go.

[MyAlterEgo]

Its over, let him, he is an idiot, and you will find better friends who will want you to be a part of their lives then that idiot

[kaycee]

I have similar problems. I just cannot let go of relationships ever. No matter how horrible people are to me, no matter the signs they don't want to be around me anymore...I cannot stand having people NOT liking me, and once I've opened up to someone, I can't imagine that they would want to leave because I really believe I am a very fun, smart, and compassionate person. I get defensive and want to know what is wrong with me, but sometimes, there is something wrong with the other person, and sometimes, things just happen and events occur that move people in different directions.

I need to work on letting go as well.

NF's tend to let people walk all over us, and your "friend" is clearly doing to you. But we also want to see the good in people, so we have that euphoric recall about the few times they were amazing to us. Take an honest look at the relationship; do a pros and cons list to be a little more T about it, then do your best to move on, even though I know how difficult that is.

[Quin Sabe]

I honestly just see that as typical male behavior.

I would just try forget about him, whats done is done. You can't change him.

[thehigher]

Hi guys, I'm a mid-20s year-old male, and thought I might ask for your opinion on something near and dear to me. Since I don't know any of you and you don't know me, I guess I can be a bit more honest and open than usual.

I went to a different state for college. My freshman (1st) and sophomore (2nd) year, I met this other guy, Derek, and we got along great, and became fast friends. We hung out regularly, we talked, we played pool, and we had a great time. I studied abroad during my junior (3rd) year, and Derek and I still talked online often. But when I came back for my senior (4th) year, everything was different. When I was abroad, Derek had met this girl, and when I came back, our friendship became vastly differently. I know, situations like this, it's normal to feel like the third wheel. But I was more than that, I felt as though he didn't even think of me as his friend anymore. Case in point: we lived in the same bldg (coincidence) that senior (4th) year. On my birthday, he didn't say anything, no text message, nothing. In fact, I wasn't spying or anything, but I was in my apartment, I saw through the window that he went out for dinner with his girlfriend, on my birthday, without saying anything.

After we both graduated, he stayed at the same school for grad school, I went back home for grad school. We somewhat kept in touch by Facebooking/e-mailling, but it was never the same as our first two years. About a year ago, he asked if I could buy him a MLB baseball cap from my hometown. It was Christmas, and being the friend that I was, I bought it for him, shipped it, and that made him happy. A bit later, I asked him if he could get me a T-shirt with the college logo on it, he always said yes, but after 5 months, he kept saying "oh I'll get around to it".

And so, a few weeks after that, I sent him a very frank message. I told him that I missed our friendship, and that I've kept my end of the bargain, and if he wanted to keep the friendship alive, it was up to him now. (Well, I phrased it more politely, but still with the same feeling/intensity.) He didn't respond.

I know, rationally, my head tells me that he's no longer a friend, and that I should let him go. But I've found it extremely hard. I don't know... It all started after I came back from my study abroad program. And I wouldn't have traded my study abroad experience for anything, a part of me still wonders that if I stayed put, would our friendship have been different. It might have gotten worse just the same, but a part of me keeps thinking that our friendship might have been even strengthened had I not gone away for school. It's like, I blame myself for going away, for making our friendship the way it is now.

It's 7 years now since we first met, and I still ask this to myself everytime. Yes, I'm a guy, and I'm not gay. I just believe that friendship is the most important thing. I still am best friends with a buddy of mine from high school, but I just keep wondering what might have been to Derek and I. We had something great started in college, and it just ended, just like that. He's not even talking to me anymore.

And so, I don't know what I'm asking here. I know I have to let it go, but it's hard. It really is. Especially since I consider friendship to be even more important than my girlfriends, this had really hurt me. I know there's a life lesson in it, you have to learn from it and move on, but it's hard.

So I guess, my question is: how would you deal with it? He's not talking to me anymore (he never really gave a reason; maybe I was always a bit too persistent in trying to keep with touch, that might have spooked him). Let it go? Keep it in my "heart" (sorry to sound sentimental) forever? How would you deal with something like this?

Thanks,
euges720

I dated an INTP girl for 2 years.... when I did this sort of thing it hurt her as well. However I didn't do this sort of thing for as long as your friend. I would have bouts of not talking to her or points where our relationship was briefly on hold and she thought up different things and I didn't realize how much it hurt her. Not only bouts of not talking but points where she would be in limbo.... that's what really seemed to get her I think .... I'm really sorry... though that doesn't mean anything since I am not the guy nor can I do much to fix your situation.

Maybe if we can trace this feeling down we can figure out why you are feeling it and how to either fix it or manage it. Perhaps it is not so much the guy you are missing as much as the rejection of you that you want back. In other words.... maybe you don't have any closure... and THAT's why you are freaking out.... not because you actually miss him THAT much. Maybe the fact that he left you in limbo is making you feel suddenly insecure.... that you don't mean anything to him.... that he doesn't need you as much as you need him.... that he may even be better than you. Why? Because he didn't tell you otherwise. Because you didn't get any closure and now you are contemplating the worst. Now you may mistake missing him a lot for actually just wanting closure... it can be very tricky distinguishing the two in my opinion. This is one possibility.

Maybe you really DO miss him. Maybe the limbo part is part of it... but maybe you really do miss him.

Another possibility... Maybe it's that you are afraid of being alone. Maybe the thought scares you. Maybe this makes you treasure every single close relationship you have because you think it's valuable in the large context.

I'm thinking it might be a mix of all 3 but emphasized by the 3rd but I could be wrong.

All of these are ridiculously normal. In other words.... don't feel stupid for feeling these. I have felt all of these at one point.

now.... how do you manage? Well... if it's the first then realizing the distinction between missing him and getting your ego smashed will help. Because now you know that it wasn't really about him. It was about you.

If that isn't true and you really miss him. Then (if your game plan is to forget about him) block him off as best as you can. The only thing you can do is run.

If you are afraid of being alone... then first ... realize there are more people like this guy. There are even more interesting people who will connect with you even better. It may be hard to believe but they ARE out there. Have that hope. Know that hope. Know that you are not alone even though you don't see anyone around you. NF's love INTP's : ). We really do. We love opening you up and figuring you out (which we can't by the way). When we find you.... we talk to you. You can count on it. But we are rare.... but there's an example of people that really care. Granted this guy was an NF... not all of us are that fickle.

And by the way.... have you told this guy about how you feel? Cause being an NF.... we make decisions BASED on how people feel. Just a thought. I'm sure you already have but hey. Worth a shot eh?

Anyway... hope this helped. If it didn't scrap it I guess. But wish all the best to you. I feel this way about someone at the moment as well : )

[Razvan]

I saw this in a movie, but it works like a charm for a lot of things : "Maybe he was just not that into you". Seriously, you cannot force somebody to be your friend. If they cannot appreciate your friendship, than it's best to move on from this unhealthy state of mind. And you can be sure of this " Leaving for a year did not change anything. I had a friend leave in highschool for more than a year, we don't talk maybe not even monthly but I still consider him a good friend, if he needs anything I'm on it and if I need something he helps me. And we get around and talk, in time gir friends, families, etc take a lot of your time, but if the friend would need something, I'd make time and do it. That's what a real friend does. It doesn't sound from what you said that it's a matter of a situation...he had a lot of time to help you with that T-shirt...and even if I don't always remember friend's birthdays, I do call them from time to time just to catch up on each other's life.