[Ningsta Kitty]

I would super appreciate you for any input on the matter. Here's the situation:

I am a super happy and healthy INFJ who has ONE problem (depending on the person). So I am curious. What Criteria do you use to determine someone as being "TOO" Sensitive. Obviously asking for perspective because I am so tired of this awful pattern and really not sure how to become "LESS" sensitive. If need be ...

(I find the most turbulence w/ ENTP type relationships so I put a thread there. Curious if other NF types think that friction common)

So ...

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?

#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?

#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?!

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?

#5) Whatever else ...



Also, I love humanity, People irk me. So while I may be "Too sensitive" with those I care and love in real life. I hope to get BRUTAL HONEST Input so I might put this issue to rest!

THANK YOU FOR ANY INPUT!!! :)

[Bumblyjack]

I'm sorry to see that you haven't received any responses thus far. I'll contribute one:

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?
I'd only consider a person to be "too" sensitive if it interferes with what they want to do in their life. In that case, I think many, many people could be said to be too sensitive. For example, I know my sensitivity gets in the way of me meeting as many people as I would like. Others have issues with standing up for themselves or with asserting their ideas and opinions.

#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?
#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?
I'll answer both of these together.
It bothers me when a person's sensitivity thwarts their efforts and holds them back. Very similarly, it bothers me when sensitivity interferes with relationships. For example, if somebody takes offense to or is upset by the speech or actions of another. This changes the nature of the relationship and distances the two from each other. Even if the offending party sets things right, adjustments will need to be made or else it will happen again. Regardless of which of these occurs, the closeness and openness of the relationship will suffer (i.e. someone pulls away or restricts their interactions either to avoid hurt or avoid hurting the other).

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?
I guess so. I mean, I understand that sensitivity is a natural result of being in touch with one's feelings. Since I value this, I do my best to increase the good side and minimize the bad. I do things like trying to improve my coping abilities, redirect feelings of hurt, and avoid taking offense when possible. As for reducing hurting others, I try to empathize with them, be tactful, think before I speak and act, and strive for clarity in conversation that decreases misunderstandings. These measures will only go so far, but they do make a difference.

[Ningsta Kitty]

I loved your response,thank you! :) I actually posted this in the ENTP spot too because that is the "type" I tend to get the most complaints in this domain. Lots of great input and I'm feeling a little more secure in the idea that sometimes it's just not meant to be with people in that, both parties need to seek resolution. Either way, I don't think my sensitivity was / is a bad thing, but for sure more aware of it and so will improve it's reason.

I just realized I started talking about the "sensitivity" aspect of my personality in the 3rd person, lol!

In any case, if your curious about the input I received on the other thread, it's in the ENTP spot. This site has proved to be an amazing resource for gaining outside perspective! Thank you again!

[shivasoul]

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?
As an ooey gooey NF, I don't think it's possible to be 'too' sensitive. You just have to surround yourself with people who are just as sensitive as your, OR who are willing to be sensitive to your sensitivity. At one point, I would have said people who get upset over things that aren't logical. But I was very much in denial of my own feelings. I don't believe in "too" sensitive, nor do I believe in "not sensitive enough." We can't help how sensitive we are, and I think it's important to respect the emotions of others, whatever they may be.


#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?
If I can't help them reason through why they're upset, it can annoy me. It can really bother me when someone gets really mad about a tiny comment rather than behaving rationally about it and addressing it. It mostly bothers me when someone's reactions to situations governs their actions.

#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?!
It doesn't most of the time.

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?
Well, I'm working through it a lot on my own. I can understand how others may not understand how sensitive I can be, but it's just necessary that I'm close to people who do. Again, I try not to let my feelings govern my actions, but I also try to openly express them so they don't keep getting hurt.

#5) Whatever else ...

No one should ever make you feel bad about your emotions!

[Aelthwyn]

be warned my brain just ground to a halt before I'd finished reading over my responce here, but i'm posting it anyways....so it may be a little half-baked as well as rambling.

not sure how to become "LESS" sensitive. If need be ...

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?
When it comes to being less sensitive there are four things which help me.

1) having at least one secure, stable, uplifting, close relationship. When I have a regular stream of reassurance from one person I really care about, I can let a lot of negativity 'roll off my back' as the saying goes.

2) pausing to reason with myself when I'm feeling hurt. This may not cause the hurt feeling to necessarily go away, however I find it very helpfull to stop focusing on why I feel hurt and try to think about the other person's perspective, try to think about what their true intention may have been, look at the broader context of my relationship with them to remind myself that this one instance doesn't define our relationship or who they are as a person. I try to remind myself of ways that I may be mis-interpreting or feeling something much more intensely than they would have expected me to, and try to consider the incident in light of being an accident rather than intentional harm to me. If I can come up with alternate reasons someone may have had for doing or saying something that hurt me, it's a lot easier for me to stop focusing on how hurt I am. In so many cases emotional harm really is an accident, just like a spilled glass of milk, it's not really anyone's 'fault'. At least for me this perspective helps me to get over my feelings more quickly.

3) distracting myself is also an important tactic. Now this isn't ignoring problems, but it's redirecting my attention so that I don't allow myself to keep dwelling in my negative emotions. When I'm feeling down for example because I thought my friend's tone or glance was criticle toward me I consciously choose not to let myself keep thinking it over and replaying it, I try to counter it with something positive. I may watch a movie that I know always makes me feel energized at the end, or I may make myself a nice cup of tea and listen to some music I find inspiring, or look though a book with beautiful pictures, or even knuckle down and do some chore I've been putting off to give myself the satisfaction of checking it off the list and showing that I am responcible - things like that. Sometimes talking to another sympathetic person can help as well, but a lot of times when it's something small I find it better in the long run to just let it go and make myself focus on something else that will stir up positive feelings.

4) And just a final note, it's strange how much simple needs like hunger or sleep or being too hot or cold can make one more emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes when I notice I'm feeling bothered more than usual by things it's a sign that I need more sleep, or that I didn't eat enough - something very simple to fix but often overlooked because it doesn't seem like it has any connection to the bad feeling and the more apparent event that triggered it.

(I find the most turbulence w/ ENTP type relationships so I put a thread there. Curious if other NF types think that friction common)

well the one ENTP I know seems to me to be the best NT at dealing with feelings and being understanding of others. I guess I feel like his NP-ness serves him well at getting insight into other people's perspectives. I've never once had a 'debate' with him that turned into an emotionally charged argument so it seems like he's learned how to talk to Feelers :) But I wouldn't know if he was the exception or the standard when it comes to ENTPs.


#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?
I don't generally think of people as "too sensitive" I just recognize that some people are much more so than others, and that we are all at different stages of emotional growth with different wounds to deal with. Although I am sensitive myself I have on occasion been around someone who was much more so to a point that it was difficult for me to understand, and I have gotten the input of plenty of people less sensitive than myself, so I'll try to answer from both mine, and others' experience/perspective.

Generally it's when one person thinks someone else is making a bigger deal about something than they think is worthy of the problem.
- one way is when they drag out their feelings and continue to brood over things that hurt or angered them long beyond the incident which incited the feeling - that is they don't seem to be trying to overcome the negative feeling but seem almost to be feding their negative feelings and even looking for things to trigger negative reactions.

- another way is expressing emotions very intensely when the situation doesn't seem all that important from my perspective. This of course is a tricky thing because people's level of expression varies, so what for me might be over-reacting given my own usual seriousness-to-expression gage, might be underreacting for someone else. It's all relative and can easily be mistaken by others who have a different way of expressing themselves. And on top of that of course is that different things have more significance to some than others - so judging whether someone else's reaction is equal to the event that caused it isn't really something one can legitimately do. Still, even when aware of this it can be hard to understand and respect someone else's level of value and level of expression.

another factor is when they seem to view everything that bothers them as having been done intentionally against them - the whole victim thing - without attempting to consider that the world isn't out to get them. Many times emotional hurts really are accidental and it seems a little immature to not realize this. Of course anyone might feel from time to time that everything is going against them, but some people seem to have some unconsious filter which interprets everything that displeases them as some kind of direct attack triggering their feelings of alone-ness and bitterness almost constantly.

Now, a word here: I think venting is just fine, and during venting one generally expresses just the one side of things, the side that says it's not fair, I'm hurt, etc. But the point is that some people vent and then their head clears and they move on, but some people don't appear to have any interest in moving past the venting stage and that is when dealing with them can get a little tiring. Not that I don't still have compassion for them but it can nevertheless become an emotional drain.


#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?
It doesn't bother me personally, but I can understand how someone else might find it so.

In order to avoid unpleasant outbursts of negative emotions you have to monitor their feelings very closely and be careful around them. For some people this comes very naturally, for others this seems to take exta effort and is therefore irritating.

You may feel guilty for causing them pain which you did not intend to cause them, or may have to defend your intentions when accused of meaning to hurt them when you thought you were being perfectly nice and reasonable - this is especially frustrating when they don't seem ready to grant that hurting them was an accident.

Their emotions can seem redundant because it's taking them so long to work through thier issues when you feel like they should have already gotten over it.

All the emotion talk and venting can get in the way of having more interesting conversations, and you may start to feel like it's always about them and how they feel and you never get to share the thoughts and other non-feely things which you'd like to share with them. This is something I have experienced personally to some extent where certain friends seem to only be able to socialize with me by spilling all their emotions in my lap and asking me to share my emotions in return, and while I'm happy to be there for them and glad they're there for me, I'd really like to connect intellectually as well as emotionally which doesn't seem to be happening. Sometimes it seems like they only experience feelings and don't really think about anything, which I know must not be true, but....why can't we talk about some of those thoughts then?

It may seem like you shouldn't share your own feelings about things because they will appear to over-react on your behalf and then you'll end up comforting them instead of them being a good listening ear for you. As a sensitive person myself I experience this sometimes when I've already worked through an emotion and spent a lot of energy on it, but then the issue that caused that emotion comes up in conversation and I kind of dread explaining it to my emotional friend because although I'm already mostly over it, or just too tired to feel anymore, I know they will react emotionally and have to go through the whole process. I appreciate their empathy, but sometimes it can be a little exhausting when I've already spent all my emotional-energy.

Sometimes it may seem like a sensitive person is ignoring a simple solution to their problem and although you can see it you can't make them see it and get better - so you feel kind of helpless. I think perhaps it might be usefull here to think about dealing with children. They often react very strongly, like it's the end of the world, though it seems like such a simple thing to you as an adult. By this I'm not saying it's childish to be sensitive or to have strong feelings, though I think it is generally true that as we get older we gain perspective on the importance of things to us and what we are sensitive about tends to shift a bit. But I think perhaps comparing yourself as a sensitive adult to even more sensitive children can lend a little insight into how others may feel when dealing with you. They may perhaps believe they see a simple solution to your woes that you are blind to in the midst of your feelings, and feel helpless to make you see it. They may think 'if only she could stop crying now she could solve her problem quickly.' Or it may seem like the thing troubling you couldn't possibly be worth so many tears and they may feel like you're not seeing things in perspective. Sometimes it may almost seem funny because it's just so ridiculous from their point of view that you would make such a big deal over it.

For some people outward expression of feeling is just awkward and they don't really know how to deal with it. Their reaction may feel cold and hurtful to you, but that's not necessarilly because they don't care, but that they are closing themselves off or running from the situation that makes them uncomfortable - the same as you may try to avoid conflict, they may try to avoid any expression of emotion. A part of this is also drawing attention, because expressing emotions often does draw attention to oneself and those around you - so if they don't like having attention drawn to them they may get nervous when someone near them starts being expressive. It can feel like someone using an 'outdoor voice' while talking to you inside an elevator - it feels over the top and unecessary because how they normally deal with emotions is quietly, inwardly, and perhaps a bit more round-about-ly, if you will, instead of laying their emotions out on the table. I've known some people that seem to view saying anything directly about their feelings at all is making a HUGE deal about it, and they seem to prefer to just deal with emotions on their own - they don't see it as being anyone else's business.

[Fodzy]

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?

When they allow their emotions to get the better of them. I don't mean this in the sense that we should keep all of our emotions inside, but there is a time and a place to get angry or sad. One person that I consider to be too sensitive is my sister, who I'll use as an example. Whilst it's common for feelers to take criticism personally, she takes it to a whole other level. The slightest comment regarding something she has done wrong or how she has treated someone results in a whirlwind of tears and rage. One time I confronted her after she had a pretty intense clash with my mum when she lost her temper and hit her (my sister, not my mum) and she hit me with an ice cream scoop. That's being too sensitive.


#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?

One thing I hate seeing is people unhappy or hurting in some way. So when I encounter someone who is feeling some kind of emotional pain, I'll try and help sometimes going so far as to drop whatever it is that I'm doing to give them a hand and it drives me mental when that person doesn't listen to a word that you say. My perception of people who are considered "too sensitive" may be a little skewed but that's because of my experiences dealing with people who love to air their feelings but don't care diddly what you have to say about the matter or whether or not you try to help.

#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?!

Because it's destructive. When people seem to devote their lives to "sharing and caring" with their emotions it seems to put everything else on hold whether it's their life, their job or their relationships with other people. There's no consideration for whatever it is that caused the emotion, it's just the fact that they're feeling something that matters and everyone has to hear about it. It can also lead to people taking their negative emotions out on people who are completely innocent and any attempt to talk to them about it is rejected as an "attempt to stifle their emotions". Emotions are fine, empathy is great but if you're going to insist on keeping yourself in a perpetual emotional maelstrom, you need to learn to direct it towards more constructive methods.

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?

I'm just as to blame as most particularly when it comes to anger. I have a bad habit of letting a small problem blow itself out of proportion and stomp around in a rage and even throw a tantrum at someone in the viscinity. But I'm a lot better than I used to be although it took a while for me to find ways of dealing with it. The most important thing that I found is recognising emotions which burn brightly but quickly and those which have a slow fuse and last a while. The former don't matter, they're just little emotional sun flares that'll dissipate if you sit down and think about the situation whereas the latter need to be dealt with because they're going to stick around and screw things up if you let them linger. There's also realising that when you talk about your problems, you need to listen to what others have to say and take what they're telling you to heart as whilst emotions are subjective and personal, other people have them too and you might find an overlap of experience in certain situations which you can learn from.

#5) Whatever else ...

There's a difference between expressing and whining. That's about the gist of it.

[Ningsta Kitty]

I swear (on BOTH threads) everyone was super awesome and gave back really good feedback,
That IF I DID know you guys in person ... I'd be "Too Sensitive" ;) Cuz I like you! lololol :p

[Pointless Activist]

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?
When their sensitivity stops them from doing what they want to do, and/or they have a martyr complex.

#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?
It doesn't. To be honest, I have yet to meet a person as sensitive as me. Not saying it's a good thing, of course. All the bad with it. And, if I did meet someone more sensitive than me, I would almost certainly love that person forever and ever.

#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?!
Once again, if they can't do what they want, then they need to step up a bit. Also, if it is self-destructive. If they are just treating everyone else like gods and ignore their own needs, they really need to work on that.

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?
I had a whole set of paragraphs written for this... But I decided not to post them. Instead, I will say I'm a type 9, and am very good at having complex, harmless defense mechanisms. I am almost always flexible, unless something very important to me is threatened, then I try to find some common ground between my ideas and the other person's. I am not generally thought of as an opinionated person.

Whoops, that's not sensitivity. :D or maybe it is... I don't know. All I know is that I'm a doormat that is apparently worth protecting and keeping clean. I'm the doormat that's sort of ignored until someone has dirty shoes, then I'm used. But, I care too much about people to stop them from doing it. I'm sensitive to their feelings, and mine, but mine I generally just want to keep to myself because of the feeling that I'm burdening someone else with my problems. Being sensitive can be very complicated.

#5) Whatever else ...

I have nothing else, really.

[Risen from Ashes]

#1) What is it that makes a person "Too" sensitive in your eyes?
Someone who is extremely irritable and arguementative. I've had people argue with me because I worded something poorly, or because they didn't understand where I was coming from, so they accused me of terrible things, shouted at me, tried to turn people against me etc. The best thing to do, is if something doesn't sound right, seek to understand by asking questions before making accusations. I would also say you are too sensitive if you are so caught up in yourself and your own problems that you can't help anyone else, you always turn the conversation towards yourself, when someone is sharing some serious/sad information about yourself, you start crying and put yourself in a position where the other person feels uncomfortable. That's selfish.

#2) Why does it drive you crazy (if it does) when someone is more "sensitive" than you?
I guess I would find it odd, unless they are younger than me, grieving or also have a mental illness. I've only met a few people that I found to be too sensitive.

#3) What irks you about people being too sensitive?!
You are taking things too seriously. Of course, I need to work on some of this myself.

#4) And if you consider yourself as sensitive ... have you been able to put the issue in perspective?
It hasn't really been something I've thought about to be honest.



I guess being sensitive is a problem when it leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings because the person in question takes offense to things without really thinking them through.

[Ningsta Kitty]

But, I care too much about people to stop them from doing it. I'm sensitive to their feelings, and mine, but mine I generally just want to keep to myself because of the feeling that I'm burdening someone else with my problems. Being sensitive can be very complicated.

It IS Complicated! Happy you threw that point on the table. In regards to the former portion of what I quoted you - it's funny how you phrased it just like that. Because that is why I posted the topic in it's entirety. I was in a fairly personal (emotionally intimate) friendship where the person was doing that. I was in tune with that persons feelings so, as you put it, cared too much. HOWEVER, for me ... I cared too much NOT to get them to stop doing it. I KNEW that the inevitable INFJ Doorslam was there and I REALLY didn't want it to get there. So I fought ... Ironically, for the first time in my life the person door slammed me.(it's probably happened before but I don't remember, in other words, I could care less)

Or rather, (my intuition tells me) temporarily door slammed, one of those open ended, our paths may cross again things. But people don't understand how that goes. You close that door, you can't open it later ... With THAT being said, (again, funny this came up) I was gonna post something about the whole doorslam thing. Because I fought the urge to do it for so long, and struggled to get them to "clean their shoes" as I was the doormat in the situation - I LEARNED A LOT. And I broke, or rather, broke myself on purpose. Because all major leaps (growing) I've taken in life... has been after I broke myself. I hope I'm not speaking INFJ jargon right now :/

Long story short - I was able to overcome the infamous self righteous indignation tendency. (well, 90%. I'm sure there will be moments in my life where I'll need a good friend to keep watch out for my blind spots. Someone who loves me to keep me in check)

Ugh...

Why do other 'types' seem to be able to make their points so quickly and effortlessly. That stinks! *not gonna lie though, I may be slacky mcgee getting to the point. but my points are good! lol! was, was that self righteous :/ *giggling*