[caraez]

So, I've seen a couple mentions of the INFJ door-slam (sounds so ominous, doesn't it?). But while I'm not INFJ, I can relate to the door-slamming method and have done it once in my life. I eventually let them back in partially, but it will never be the same and I will never let them back in like that again. The only reason I let him back at all is because we'd known each other so long and our families are too intertwined.



I wonder if this is not just an INFJ method, but maybe an INF method or even IF method. I think part of the reason I eventually door-slammed was because I was unable to effectively communicate what I needed/wanted in a way he understood. (We've two types that are pretty different). Eventually all the problems built up and I emotionally freaked.

Honestly, I don't think he really had any idea of what actually happened, which just goes to show how ineffective our communication is.

I was wondering what other types have door-slammed and why. Maybe we can figure out what about us makes door-slamming occur.

[Cuervo21]

Hi, I'm an XNFP... I can't relate to "door-slamming" because I'd probably let a person back in if they changed and give them a second chance. But I can see why an introverted feeler would door-slam someone as there negative feelings towards the person will remain with them. Maybe?

[GoodOldDreamer]

INFJs don't doorslam because they "emotionally freak" from someone's actions. Well, okay, healthy INFJs don't. Anyway, what happens is that we recognize when someone is being toxic, and so we remove them (and their toxin) from our lives after a certain point, usually after attempts to help them have failed and there is little other recourse. It's generally a Ni/Ti reaction. "Okay, this guy is bad news. Drop him like a bad habit or we're going down with him."

Our doorslam is much more figurative. While I can see an INFP doorslamming also, I'd imagine it's much more literal, even on an internal basis. Think about someone physically slamming a door out of anger/sadness/whatever. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it'd be like that. The INFJ doorslam is more like quietly shutting the door and locking it, lol. "Doorslam" is mainly just for dramatic effect, I think. And it's usually referred to as such by whoever caused it rather than by us. Or, well, me.

I shouldn't speak for every INFJ. See, that's the thing about Fi vs. Ti. Fi says "WTF?! To hell with this guy! *slam!*". Ti says nothing, shakes his head, turns and walks away, never to be seen again. (Or rarely, depending on circumstances.) That's my take anyway.

[caraez]

That's really interesting, Dreamer. It actually helps me understand more about INFJs :)

[nonnaci]

@GoodOldDreamer

If door-slamming is a product of Ni + Ti, then ISTPs doorslam by default. I know I've done it for reasons of "I'm busy with my own world" so off with you ;0

[emerald sea]

every type has a limit of toleration, beyond which they no longer want to interact with another individual. there is nothing INFJ about a doorslam. it's a human response.

what a person does when that limit is reached is dependent on a lot of factors, including how close the relationship was. there is a tendency in people to open up and develop emotional closeness with an INFJ, so being closed out of an INFJ's life may seem more severe and sudden simply because of the degree of closeness that preceded it.

also, it's not unusual for an INFJ to be deeply understanding of others, and their natural empathy often makes them willing to put up with more for longer than many people will, and attempt to help/comfort people that others find difficult, or be kind to those others might lose patience with more quickly - this is why INFJs are natural counselors. people often mistakenly believe that an INFJ doesn't have personal boundaries because of this, when in reality those boundaries just may not be as wide as some people's. so what happens is that they push what would be other people's limits and since the INFJ hasn't responded negatively, they go on pushing the limits further and further, until they finally hit where the INFJ's boundaries are.

then suddenly they are shocked that the INFJ does what any other human would do - cut them out of their life because they had reached their absolute limit of tolerance with that person. for a healthy INFJ, this likely won't occur unless it's a choice between their own sanity/prevention of their own emotional destruction or intolerable emotional pain and a relationship with the person. because of how forgiving INFJs tend to be, despite being annoyed or hurt over and over, and how emotionally sensitive (therefore sometimes easily hurt) they are, the individual may not really understand just how much the INFJ has been putting up with until that point, so they may think the doorslam is unjustified or unexplained, when in reality their behavior really was completely intolerable. sometimes the individual knows quite well what they did.

the issue here is that INFJs have not defined their boundaries, and don't tend to...they aren't out to end relationships. but then again, there are a lot of people in the world who don't go around defining their boundaries; they just react when those boundaries are crossed, which is what INFJs do.

some people need closure, or need things clearly defined - in these circumstances, an INFJ does. because of all the emotional ties that develop, and the INFJ's sometimes-difficulty at saying no to people when they can sense negative emotions, if the INFJ doesn't make themself inaccessible completely (that is, make a clean break), they may never be able to extricate themselves from that person's life completely (because of their vulnerability to emotional appeals, etc.) and will always be vulnerable to being re-hurt or psychologically destroyed by that person. that's one reason why INFJs tend to be all-in or all-out, nothing in between.

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Cliff's Notes version: Every type has a limit of toleration, beyond which they no longer want to interact with another individual; this is not specific to INFJs. people tend to assume that INFJs don't have personal boundaries because their boundaries are not as wide as many others' are, and they will put up with more, be more forgiving, and be slow to give up on people...because of empathy. so some people push the limits (in terms of treating the INFJ badly or taking advantage of their kindness) more and more, beyond what people usually would put up with, until finally they find out that INFJs have boundaries/limits too, just like everyone else ("doorslam"). often those boundaries are enforced when the choice for the INFJ is in between the relationship with this person and the INFJ's own sanity or emotional health...that is, continuing the relationship would destroy the INFJ psychologically. the J need for closure and their Fe susceptibility to manipulation via negative emotion requires INFJs to make clean breaks when they have to end interaction with someone.

[Stephen]

I've done this kind of thing too, and I'm ISTJ.

[caraez]

Cliff's Notes version: Every type has a limit of toleration, beyond which they no longer want to interact with another individual; this is not specific to INFJs. people tend to assume that INFJs don't have personal boundaries because their boundaries are not as wide as many others' are, and they will put up with more, be more forgiving, and be slow to give up on people...because of empathy. so some people push the limits (in terms of treating the INFJ badly or taking advantage of their kindness) more and more, beyond what people usually would put up with, until finally they find out that INFJs have boundaries/limits too, just like everyone else ("doorslam"). often those boundaries are enforced when the choice for the INFJ is in between the relationship with this person and the INFJ's own sanity or emotional health...that is, continuing the relationship would destroy the INFJ psychologically. the J need for closure and their Fe susceptibility to manipulation via negative emotion requires INFJs to make clean breaks when they have to end interaction with someone.

I really related to this entire post. I think INFPs are also prone to tolerating much more behavior than they should. I think they're also less likely to door-slam with finality or even clarity, such as I. Maybe the difference is the way we door-slam. I think Dreamer illustrated this well.

[strawberryLola]

-every type has a limit of toleration, beyond which they no longer want to interact with another individual. there is nothing INFJ about a doorslam. it's a human response.

Spot on.

I think it relates a lot to social exchange theory where if the costs outweigh the rewards, people will naturally walk away from something that causes more aversion, that is, if you're happy enough to realize your sanity is way more important than door-matting.

[Grac3]

I used to slam my door repetitively when I was a kid to let my parents know that I was upset. I thought it was just me... But like you had mentioned, I think it was because I didn't know how to communicate how something was making me feel so I would use that as a way to let them know how I felt to at least try and capture their attention.

Since then, I think I might have only slammed a door to keep someone out if I didn't feel like dealing with it because I got tired of their steamrolling. If people are constantly yelling then I get frustrated because all I can hear is their own voice so naturally, it kind of hinders my ability to get my own thoughts together to respond back and then I just get angry and avoidant if I feel like they only want to listen to themselves.