ISTP Relationship insight needed... please

[AEIOU]

Originally Posted by coachgabby

This sounds SOOOO much like me. I love to be attached at the hip to whoever is my current guy but if it stagnates OR I think he's not into me the way i am him i just slide out. i do not need nor want a conversation about it. he'll figure out it's over. when i left BOTH my ex-husbands i did it on the sly. packed and left while they were at work. i DO NOT DO conflict stuff. no reason for it.

I read your posts/replies often. Mostly because I'm wondering what ISTP women are like and if it would be good for me to be in a long term relationship with one.

Already married/divorced twice? It would seem that you should never have gotten married in the first place and maybe should never get married again? That way you are really free to get up and go anytime you darn well please. I'm wondering if you have any idea of what it takes to make a relationship work? Or if you grew up in a dysfunctional home and you learned to be that way too. Did you have excellent or poor role models when growing up? Do you have attachment problems. By the way, I have a "Secure" relationship attachment style. (per attachment theory by John Bowlby)

I met/dated a women who I found out had been married/divorced FOUR times. I never knew what her MBTI was, but later found out that she was bipolar and had emotional stability issues.
I hate "dumping" someone, because I know how much it hurts, but I really had to and did get out of that situation.

[DJArendee]

Originally Posted by coachgabby

This sounds SOOOO much like me. I love to be attached at the hip to whoever is my current guy but if it stagnates OR I think he's not into me the way i am him i just slide out. i do not need nor want a conversation about it. he'll figure out it's over. when i left BOTH my ex-husbands i did it on the sly. packed and left while they were at work. i DO NOT DO conflict stuff. no reason for it.

I can see myself doing that to girlfriends who I've already made clear my problems with them but aren't mature enough pull their own weight in the relationship, but doing that during marriage? That's fucked up. I wouldn't use MBTI as an excuse for that kind of behavior, I'd use it as a tool to understand how to fix it. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your weaknesses and their root causes.

[ISTPangel]

Yea, I would move on. Doesn't sound like the type of person I could trust in the long run. She wasn't very honest with you, imo. She just kindof "went away", and that's unfair to you. No matter how much I would love to do it my way, sometimes it just isn't right, imo.

For the record, I wouldn't "slide out" on anyone unless I had a great reason to, such as domestic abuse. Not even a friend or a boyfriend who was behaving badly. I try to be accountable and make sure the person knows and understands my reasons to end things, and I try to give them all the chances in the world to improve before I call it quits.

Then again, I can tell there are some differences between me and a distinct istp. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and then had a bad time of it because of that fact. That stuff will teach lessons otherwise un-needed for a lot of people. I have a colorful history and I've learned not to do a lot of things from having them done to me disasterously lol.

My relationship of six years is one with an entj, and it is splendid, so it's kindof sad thinking of doing that to my SO..... hope you find another istp who will treat you right!

[coachgabby]

Welllllll...

Of course when you're in your mid thirties and you find yourself in this position of having two ex husbands you think you've got to be the problem.

but...i think i am NOT going to blame myself for my first husband's depression, emotional and physical abuse and cross dressing issues and refusal to go to couples therapy and/or solo counseling. And I am NOT going to blame myself for my second husband for his OCD and extreme need to control me and having a year long relationship with his secretary and refusal to call it quits OR go to therapy.

For a long time I did blame myself like I didn't give them what they needed. I couldn't make them happy. But I've been to my share of therapy, and my friends all tell me there's nothing I could have done that would have made the relationships work without them putting in some effort, and, in fact, my exes friends ensure me that I put up with these idiots hijinks for much longer than any of them would have.

it sounds terrible that i've had two husbands. i don't think i'm going to have a third. in a way i believe that there may be trustworthy men out there, but in a whole other way i'd rather not keep trying until i finally find him. 2 years have passed since i filed for divorce and even though i'm a mess i would still like to meet a man. this past weekend i went on my first date since my divorce. it was weird. i kept thinking "what's this guys big hangup?"

i devote myself to the whole thing...cooking cleaning worrying caring planning loving mothering. i am devoted to relationships. when things are bad i attempt to keep the status quo and keep him happy because i fear fights and i fear conflict. i'm not the feelings girl. when you ask me why i love you i'll say "because i do". i'll take care of everything he asks me to do. remember the birthdays and anniversarys. do the middle of the night baby stuff. give you massages and remind you of dentist appts. go for long walks with you and cook dinner for your mother.

THAT SAID, when I decide I have had enough abuse I leave. It's swift and quick and covert, planned in advance, and done at a time when he is not there to stab me, beat me, shoot me or slash my tires. And I don't think this makes me a bad person.

[DJArendee]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. When you mention cross dressing cheating abusive husbands, it makes sense.

[MissFixit]

We could start a club of female ISTPs who marry abusers. great.

The problem isn't that we aren't good at relationships once we are committed. The problem is that our judgment about the character of the men we date is somehow....less intuitive than it needs to be, maybe?

Because in the end, we chose to marry these idiots. This teaches us not to trust our character judgment about others. But how to go about fixing that problem? Not a clue.

[coachgabby]

Originally Posted by DJArendee

I can see myself doing that to girlfriends who I've already made clear my problems with them but aren't mature enough pull their own weight in the relationship, but doing that during marriage? That's fucked up. I wouldn't use MBTI as an excuse for that kind of behavior, I'd use it as a tool to understand how to fix it. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your weaknesses and their root causes.

And maybe in one of my earlier posts it sounded as if i was saying that when i'm involved in a relationship and it seems to be not exactly peaches and moonbeams that i would cut out and leave...not the case.

if i went out on a date or two or five and i realize that he's not that into me i'm sure as hell not going to call him and demand he come over so that we can talk about why it's not working and analyze where we are going from here or any of that crap. 4 dates isn't a relationship and i feel no problem with just ceasing to ask him out or call him anymore. if he's the one that's interested and i'm not that into HIM, i'd do my best to let him down gently.

in a relationship, however,it takes a couple years of ugly abuse before i pull the plug.

[AEIOU]

Hmm, interesting, or Too Much Information.
Maybe you are a Codependent personality.
Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie?

Originally Posted by coachgabby

Welllllll...

Of course when you're in your mid thirties and you find yourself in this position of having two ex husbands you think you've got to be the problem.

but...i think i am NOT going to blame myself for my first husband's depression, emotional and physical abuse and cross dressing issues and refusal to go to couples therapy and/or solo counseling. And I am NOT going to blame myself for my second husband for his OCD and extreme need to control me and having a year long relationship with his secretary and refusal to call it quits OR go to therapy.

For a long time I did blame myself like I didn't give them what they needed. I couldn't make them happy. But I've been to my share of therapy, and my friends all tell me there's nothing I could have done that would have made the relationships work without them putting in some effort, and, in fact, my exes friends ensure me that I put up with these idiots hijinks for much longer than any of them would have.

it sounds terrible that i've had two husbands. i don't think i'm going to have a third. in a way i believe that there may be trustworthy men out there, but in a whole other way i'd rather not keep trying until i finally find him. 2 years have passed since i filed for divorce and even though i'm a mess i would still like to meet a man. this past weekend i went on my first date since my divorce. it was weird. i kept thinking "what's this guys big hangup?"

i devote myself to the whole thing...cooking cleaning worrying caring planning loving mothering. i am devoted to relationships. when things are bad i attempt to keep the status quo and keep him happy because i fear fights and i fear conflict. i'm not the feelings girl. when you ask me why i love you i'll say "because i do". i'll take care of everything he asks me to do. remember the birthdays and anniversarys. do the middle of the night baby stuff. give you massages and remind you of dentist appts. go for long walks with you and cook dinner for your mother.

THAT SAID, when I decide I have had enough abuse I leave. It's swift and quick and covert, planned in advance, and done at a time when he is not there to stab me, beat me, shoot me or slash my tires. And I don't think this makes me a bad person.

[coachgabby]

Originally Posted by AEIOU

Hmm, interesting, or Too Much Information.
Maybe you are a Codependent personality.
Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie?

That was one of many things we talked about in counseling sessions, but i decided it's not the case.

and really, we're human. humans are meant to have relationships with other humans. we depend on them. we need them. we're ALL co-dependent...but am i "THAT" girl, no. I don't believe I am.

TMI? absolutely. But the nature of this forum seems to allow for it...and you did ask...and the events of my recent past have given me plenty of learning experiences and fodder for my novel.

Cheers!

[AEIOU]

Originally Posted by coachgabby

That was one of many things we talked about in counseling sessions, but i decided it's not the case.

and really, we're human. humans are meant to have relationships with other humans. we depend on them. we need them. we're ALL co-dependent...but am i "THAT" girl, no. I don't believe I am.

TMI? absolutely. But the nature of this forum seems to allow for it...and you did ask...and the events of my recent past have given me plenty of learning experiences and fodder for my novel.

Cheers!

I'm very introspective, so it's easy for me to understand myself and what I do and why I do it (difficult to change it though).

If you have trouble understanding some of the things you do or why you react the way you do, it's probably because you either aren't trying hard enough or you don't really want to.

Fear is an incredible barrier for many people. Hopefully you can deal with your fears.

Well anyway you did say one very meaningful thing, "learning." If you learn from your experiences you'll be better for it.

Cheers to you too.