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ISTP Relationship Thread

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#1 · (Edited)
Suck it up, guys. It needs to happen.

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Thread Rules:

1.) Do not post in this thread unless you are going to be constructive

2.) You may post relevant questions and experiences from both ISTP and Non-ISTP angles.

3.) Please Do Not Derail

4.) If you post in this thread, and start getting irritated/upset/angry, please unsubscribe.

5.) Please do not vent about failed relationships. If you have specific questions, by all means ask, but don't blame all ISTP for one person's shortcomings.

6.) No attacking any type for their feelings, opinions, honesty, or blunt speech.

7.) No reporting except for de-rail or direct attacks. If you don't like the advice, get over it.

8.) Please do not perpetuate the many negative stereotypes. ISTP are people with feelings who do have intimate and successful relationships.


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#2 ·
What specifically are we posting about?
 
#3 ·
i don't care. but at least the XNFX's can talk about their boyfriends without getting ragged.
 
#4 ·
i don't care. but at least the XNFX's can talk about their boyfriends without getting ragged.
I'm starting to think a lot of them never actually had ISTP boyfriends, and were simply clingy fuck buddies...

*Hides behind rule #6*
 
#8 · (Edited)
I have a relationship question... I noticed in my FB arrangement with an ISTP we have several miscommunications. On several occasions he thought I was overthinking things, making them complicated, and/or was going too deep. Also, I noticed that I would say something in a figurative sense and he would interpret it literally.

Do you think miscommunications like these have to do with the different language styles of N and S? If so if you are in a relationship with a xNxx type, what have you found to be effective in improving communication?

Edit: I guess I should have also asked if you are a xNxx type, what have you found to be effective in improving communication with your ISTP?
 
#9 ·
50% ISTP's job, 50% Intuitive's job. My brothers are both intuitives, so I know how to talk to them. My INTP brother is the most difficult, but I've started to adapt to his language style.

It takes a lot of listening, and a lot of migraines, but its possible to adapt to the other person's speech style.

warning, possible bullshit, as I pulled most of this out of my ass:

ISTP's Ni and Se functions are right next to each other (2nd place Se, 3rd place Ni) and they often blur together, so it might be kinda stressful for IXXP's and EXXJ's to compromise the N/S difference as it takes alot of energy for us to separate the two functions from one another.

Fe, however, is actually fairly easy for an ISTP to compromise on. It drains us, but it doesn't make our heads hurt. There is a difference. ENXP's and INXJ's can be exhausting to talk to because we have to single out our Ni to understand them.

One of the reasons I know the middle functions blur together is because I have trouble explaining my decisions to people until i sit there and analyze with my Ti. One example: My INTJ mother is often way better than me at pointing out specific facial features that make someone unattractive. Usually I'll just look someone over, know they're ugly, but not really sure why. I just say, "they're ugly" then someone asks, why? then I say, "Idunno, just look at him!" ENTJ also have trouble separating details out from the whole picture. ENFJ and ENTJ are both known to be the least skilled in matching their clothing. Probably has something to do with the fact that the Ni completely overshadows their Se so they don't pay attention to the details and choice in colors. Its probably why I will dress with tron colors but have a completely meaningless reason behind the colors. Meanwhile an INFJ might be able to match the colors once they're done selecting the special meaning their clothes portray.
 
#12 ·
ok so here's a typical ENFP/ISTP story. I'm sorry if this is too much drama, then you can just ignore it. I bolded the main point below, if you don't want to read it all.

I am curious to get some ISTP opinions -- specifically do ISTPs exist who have feelings? (please don't be insulted by that, you'll see the reason I'm asking that if you read on).

My ex was an ISTP and it was all fantastic and what not. From the first date I was just smitten w/ him, and we were together within a month. You know, diner breakfasts, traveling, going out dancing all night, and doing nothing, but yet it was super interesting and fun. He's the only guy I ever wanted to marry, and I dated a lot of guys. I really respected him.

Anyway, so I thought he was awesome and we went to Vegas and got married -- partly because he was really depressed w/ his visa issues, so I suggested we get married faster than planned, so he wouldn't feel stuck in a job he didn't like (that he had to keep for the visa). I think he was kinda hinting that we do this, but I know he did want to marry me for me also, so I don't really think he used me.

But then it turned out that he was a sociopath.

He'd always said he was "a robot," but I thought he was making fun of himself for not being super emotional. I also thought he seemed like the ISTP descriptions that say "cold, unemotional."

No, he really meant it. Robot. He later seemed surprised that I thought he was kidding. I noticed he didn't spend any time thinking (I think a lot), he never laid in bed worried, or felt guilt, ever, no matter what he did.

So he had no empathy. So if he hurt me (or others) it only annoyed him if I (or anyone) was upset. My aunt died and I started crying in the middle of the night (and asked him for a hug), and he yelled at me and put in ear plugs because he was trying to sleep. etc. That kind thing. Of course, there were a lot of good things too, and he'd do thoughtful things like randomly buy me cupcakes. He did have a lot of good qualities too like being very smart, having very good fashion sense, good at business things, etc.

Then he had a rage problem, where he'd explode (for no reason -- trust me, no reason). And I guess that's common w/ sociopaths. So he left me on a street w/ no way home when we were on vacation. I eventually found the hotel, and they had to let me into the room w/o a key, etc. He was so mad because 1) he'd told me not to speak to him, because I'd gone over my 10 minute limit, 2) When he said something and I didn't respond, he felt ignored, and said "well let's see how your night turns out then." So he ditched me on a crowded street, leaving me alone in a city I'd never been in before, and he went to a strip club and then lied about it.

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now.

But I found out he'd been lying about a lot of things (little and big). Like, he was a smoker for the whole time we were together. He said he didn't smoke.

So then he got really emotionally abusive, and he was annoyed that I didn't want to take this crap. He wanted to flirt w/ other girls (right in front of me), and eventually he said he only wanted me to speak for 10 minutes per day, and he'd time me. he said he just wanted a human to exist at home, but he didn't want to interact w/ me.

I promise I wasn't trying to annoy him. I was trying really hard to give him his space, and not talk to him most of the time. But it got to be tough, since I am an ENFP and I have random things to say sometimes.

So I moved out. And being a sociopath, he didn't even care. He offered to help me find a place to move to. He didn't hate me, but sociopaths just can't experience love. He always said he loved me though (and that I was the only person who understood/cared about him, ever), but I can see now that he wasn't capable of love.

Then he said we were "friends" and he'd want to come over for dinner or something, and didn't understand that people getting a divorce don't hang. He still emails me articles, as though everything is cool. And he's stalling on signing the divorce papers for no reason.

gosh, sorry this is so long, but, the point...

I always thought he had this well of deep emotion and caring that just wasn't visible. I'd "see" it come out in some little action he did. But then I realized it was all a lie, and every action was in his own self-interest.

So now I'm getting divorced, which is good. And I'm pretty happy that I've grown from the experience.

But the question that lingers...are there any ISTPs who really are caring, but just not mushy?? Or are they all secret sociopaths who can't feel anything?
It appears the same to me on the surface. I want to believe the first thing, but some of the posts here (but mostly my own experience w/ this guy) make me wonder if the second is true.
 
#13 ·
I noticed he didn't spend any time thinking
What makes you think he's Ti dominant if he never spent any time thinking? That's like...what we do.
 
#14 ·
I can't believe what I just fucking read.

Are we all sociopaths? No.

Are we compatible with ENFP's? not always. Sometimes they emotionally drain the hell out of us and we become robotic because we have no energy left to give. INCOMPATIBILITY SUCKS.

Why does he think he's robotic? Because compared to everyone else on the planet, ISTP's feel like we're somehow different and sociopathic. We're not.

WE'RE NOT SOCIOPATHS.

unsubscribed.
 
#15 ·
You know I really thought it would be an ISTP who violated the OP rules first, but nope.

@mememe you are in clear violation of Rule #5 and are banished from this thread.
 
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#16 ·
Yes, my boyfriend is self-admittedly bad at emotions, but he does have them and feels them deeply. He just isn't always sure what to do with them.

As a intuitive, I just sort of know how he feels about me. I can just tell and don't need a lot of affirmation. My question for you is- is it better this way or would it be preferable for me to draw out his emotions somehow. I'm not great at emotions myself so I'm not sure how to do that.
 
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#24 ·
Yes, my boyfriend is self-admittedly bad at emotions, but he does have them and feels them deeply. He just isn't always sure what to do with them.

As a intuitive, I just sort of know how he feels about me. I can just tell and don't need a lot of affirmation. My question for you is- is it better this way or would it be preferable for me to draw out his emotions somehow. I'm not great at emotions myself so I'm not sure how to do that.
Heellllloooooo **waves hand frantically**
 
#20 ·
I've heard from some female ISTPs on the board, and wondering of my own past experiences:

Why do some ISTPs remain in nebulous situations that are essentially a "relationship" longer than they think is healthy or appropriate, though not wanting to admit the label?
and
Why is it that some ISTPs can be blunt with their words, but not so with their actions (e.g. exiting when they realize they should rather than too late)?

[garbled questions]
 
#23 ·
I had an ISTP girlfriend once. I miss her every day... For some reason we just... worked. It was like we were two different sides to the same brain or something.

Anyways, we did a lot of shit together, broke it off mutually when we went off to college. I'm definitely making it seem easier than it was to split off, it was extremely hard for me at least to let go. But I don't like to delve into old emotions like that.

Apparently she fell apart for some reason during college. Grades fell and she dropped out or something, maybe took an extended leave if that's possible? I'm really worried about her, but she's just so damn hard to talk to via anything besides face to face contact that any attempt of me to check on her, results in her shutting down and I just get rejected. Oh well. she tells me she's fine and that she appreciates that I care and doesn't seem to want any more than that.

I guess I have my own life now. But it was a nice relationship.
 
#26 ·
Let's clear this up.

By me saying 1 INDIVIDUAL ISTP was likely a sociopath, I'm in NO way saying that ALL ISTPs are -- nor was I implying that a majority were -- simply that 1 that I knew was. So I don't think any of you have a valid argument.

Every personality type has some sociopaths in it, or otherwise bad people. ENFPs and all other types also have sociopaths/bad eggs.

Khys, because there are sociopaths of EVERY personalty type, I don't agree that it's impossible for him to be an ISTP -- he was. And he was extremely logical, just not pensive.

Thank you Khys for reminding me that there ARE mostly kind ISTPs with feelings. I appreciate that.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to tell that an ISTP is kind/has a lot of feelings, because not all of you show your feelings (which is totally fine by me...I like that in fact). But my goal is to get a kinder ISTP next time around, not another sociopath, which is why I asked this question.

My dilema is....
I wish there was a way to distinguish a kind/feeling ISTP (who doesn't express feelings), and an evil/unkind ISTP (who also doesn't express feelings).

It's kinda like ENFPs can be flirty, but totally loyal. Or they can be flirty and cheat on you. It looks the same on the surface right? This is my dilema.

Anyway, I think it's really silly to post a thread about relationships, and then get mad when someone posts a relationship story.
 
#45 ·
My dilema is....
I wish there was a way to distinguish a kind/feeling ISTP (who doesn't express feelings), and an evil/unkind ISTP (who also doesn't express feelings).
Gee, lemme think... If one guy leaves you stranded and flirts with girls in front of you, would you consider that guy to be kind or unkind towards you?

Every single morning when my wife leaves for work (she's also a thinker btw), I kiss her and tell her I love her and I hope she has a great day. I don't say "I love you" to her much besides those times though. It is usually a hug from behind or fixing the latest episode of her favorite tv-show that I do to show her how I feel.

But it's not rocket science to figure out if an ISTP is kind or unkind...
 
#31 ·
@mememe its the way you told the story. trust me, it didn't come across well.


ISTP like to do things for their partners. For the most part you will find a lot of giving actions performed by an ISTP who cares about you. You might not hear "i love you" that often, but you might find other things like an ISTP remembering to charge your tooth brush for you or fill your car with gas or check your oil. (not that we're all into cars, but those were examples of helpful practical things)

Also, if an ISTP does commit, it's usually genuine and lasting.
 
#39 ·
@mememe I think this is an issue of styles of communication. I know you didn't mean to imply all ISTPs are sociopaths. I think your wording was the problem:

But the question that lingers...are there any ISTPs who really are caring, but just not mushy?? Or are they all secret sociopaths who can't feel anything?
I think that counts as an implication. No one was getting mad about you posting about a relationship. I think it was this question. For me, I wondered why you would ask such a question, especially knowing about type theory.

Anyway, to your question, there is no tried-and-true method to easily judge the hearts of any individual. So I have no easy answer for you.

But I'm curious: why are you looking specifically for an ISTP?
 
#40 ·
Madhatter, your post makes sense, thanks. And I appreciate you pointing that out.

I'm really shocked that anyone would have taken the message that I was calling all istps sociopaths, from what I actually wrote, which doesn't say that at all.

I was raising a question -- not answering it. And my question was clearly exaggerated -- did anyone think it was really possible for an entire type to be sociopaths? Seriously? If anyone felt the need to actually defend that, it makes me really confused.

I think people are reacting to any discussion of their TYPE as though it's a personal attack on themselves. Your type is not YOU. It's 4 categories ONLY -- even if there are a few people of your type w/ a bad aspect to them, it doesn't mean that YOU are horrible. I know some ENFPs who I don't like, and some who are amazing -- they are the same type but different.

There may be a few dumb people, or ugly people, etc., of your type, but that says nothing about YOU. People of the same type are very different. So don't get mad if someone knows of a dumb ISTP -- it doesn't mean that YOU are dumb. Just that one individual was. There are billions of people on the planet, with types, are ALL of them going to be smart and perfect? No.

It's like if someone said "Are all ENFPs overly flirty? or are some really loyal?" I wouldn't fly off that handle that "NO! ENFPs are NOT flirty! How offensive, because I'm a loyal one and how dare you!!" (or maybe I would react like that if I was 16 years old, so I apologize if there are young ones here).
Just state your opinion -- They're loyal. Or some are loyal, some aren't -- Or whatever your opinion is.

People should be able to discuss whatever, w/o people freaking out that "oh NO they're saying my TYPE is bad!! :(" and then getting angry.

That's just lame.
 
#42 ·
Mememe, as you should be able to infer from the OP and by spending any time in this forum, the istps here are not interested in ISTP stereotypes in this thread. Lately there have been threads that were jacked by other types, derailed, trolled, and generally used to completely bash ISTPs. They were used for ExFX types mostly to complain about one or two failed ISTP relationships and propagate the negative stereotypes of the type. It got boring and tedious. So when the first non-ISTP on this thread posted something sounding similar, the walls went up.

So now, can we just calm down and carry on? Lets just everyone follow the rules in this thread and if you can't, then just lurk or leave.
 
#41 ·
^I doubt your ISTP was a sociopath. With the irritability, brooding, general outbursts and outright apathy, I'd suggest Severe Clinical Depression (which is common in our type, even if we are good at hiding it). Asperger's Syndrome is also a possibility.

He also seemed to genuinely (careful how you read that) care about you but didn't know how to express it.
 
#47 ·
Hello. As I write this I appreciate how trivial it is, but it's important to me.

The ISTP in question, whom I'm assuming has no interest in seeing me in the near future, has left a low-value but highly useful item in my possession. He's probably bought another one in the four weeks since we saw each other.

However, I do not want this item. It's a reminder, however pathetic that is. I'm moving out and I don't want to keep it, but I don't want to chuck it in case he ever gets in contact and asks for it...(and I would be annoyed if someone did that with something I left at their house).
Also, he did this last year with another low-value useful item which he said "he'd be back for" - kind of like the handbag trick - and I don't want that to happen again.

Question is: am thinking of sending a message asking for an address for me to post it to, but don't want this to be seen as a "hidden meaning" text that is just looking for a response from him, if you see what I mean.

But I really want to have this item out of my house. Call it closure.

If there's any confusion, the question is, should I send the message asking for an address, or not?
If not, what should I do with the item?
 
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#48 ·
Hello. As I write this I appreciate how trivial it is, but it's important to me.

The ISTP in question, whom I'm assuming has no interest in seeing me in the near future, has left a low-value but highly useful item in my possession. He's probably bought another one in the four weeks since we saw each other.

However, I do not want this item. It's a reminder, however pathetic that is. I'm moving out and I don't want to keep it, but I don't want to chuck it in case he ever gets in contact and asks for it...(and I would be annoyed if someone did that with something I left at their house).
Also, he did this last year with another low-value useful item which he said "he'd be back for" - kind of like the handbag trick - and I don't want that to happen again.

Question is: am thinking of sending a message asking for an address for me to post it to, but don't want this to be seen as a "hidden meaning" text that is just looking for a response from him, if you see what I mean.

But I really want to have this item out of my house. Call it closure.

If there's any confusion, the question is, should I send the message asking for an address, or not?
If not, what should I do with the item?
Throw it out. As you said he probably already got another one. Besides, why do you care if he's annoyed with you? I wouldn't be.
 
#50 ·
@mememe ISTPs are just as caring as any type, they just show it in their own sort of way.

One thing I've noticed is that they can really get overloaded by Ne dumping (as can anyone), especially in regards to relationship issues and have a strong emotional response which may seem jerkish, but it's basically just defensive. Ne processes out loud a lot of the time and that in and of itself can be overwhelming to an introvert since they are trying to process their own thoughts/feelings at the same time. It's like constant static. And they can't address the problem if it keeps shifting.

If you as an ENFP process with someone else so you can get to the heart of it and then present what you need simply and respectfully (and it's something that they can realistically do) they usually try their best to address it. At least in my experience. I've found ISTPs to be overall very loyal, committed and caring.
 
#53 ·
@r00bic0n

throw it out. if he wanted it, he should've asked you for it by now and since he didn't, he probably didn't think it was worth the trouble.
 
#56 ·
I recently met a gal that was really far to the introvert side, like myself, and we got along really well. I would have asked her out, but she was like 10 yrs older than me and didn't think that would work. But since then I've been looking mainly for other introvert girls because I feel a lot more comfortable with them and extroverts always seem to want to fix me somehow.

Anyone else think it would be beneficial to match I's with I's and E's with E's ?
 
#65 ·
I love an ISTP. I love the difference. I realize that a lot of who my ISTP is is inside. I love the surprise of that. And that he always surprises me. I think the J/P preference is more challenging together than I/E. I think its the most because it has to do with how you structure your life.... But all can be overcome with love and commitment...
 
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#63 ·
I could see having E friends for the social stuff, since you're only friends you can escape them to recharge.

Communication is hard when you're personality is fundamentally different, I think it would be more worthwhile in an intimate relationship to be with someone who understands where you're coming from through first hand experience.
 
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