[Life.Is.A.Game]

@Life.Is.A.Game, I absolutely agree with everything DustyDrill touched upon.

But I also want to add that you should let him know a positive, then go for critique, then follow up with a positive. Let him know what you like about him and the relationship first before going into "this is what I need from you" mode. And you might want to end with a positive as well. ENFPs want to know you accept them for who they are.

One of the best languages the ENFP/ISTP share is physical touch. It's the most incredible and forgives a multitude of sins. While you are long distance and trying to communicate with words or other things, you are at a disadvantage. My relationship could not make it because of this. However, the two of you can work to acquire a second love language. Sounds like he needs to stop avoiding conflict and meet you where you're at. Remember, when we are angry, we'd rather go off somewhere else to process it. He will be better able to deal with conflict and resolve issues if you can assure him flared emotions or critiques doesn't mean the end.

Thank you. I'm pretty sure he knows I accept him. I also know he accepts me.
I just don't know how to communicate my needs. I don't want him to do stuff for me because I told him to, I want him to WANT to do it. If I tell him to text me every night, and he does, what's the fun in that? If I have to tell him what to do, then how will I know if he misses me or not?

I have issues with telling people what to do, because I think everyone has the right to be themselves (probably because I want to be accepted , therefore I accept)... but because I don't know how to communicate, I come on here and read about ENFPs, just so I can understand him better. I want to accept him, but he seems so....moving....at a very slow pace, and letting time just pass, and for me it's come on come on come on...let's do something about this already!...type thing.

I dunno.

[pinkrasputin]

Thank you. I'm pretty sure he knows I accept him. I also know he accepts me.
I just don't know how to communicate my needs. I don't want him to do stuff for me because I told him to, I want him to WANT to do it. If I tell him to text me every night, and he does, what's the fun in that? If I have to tell him what to do, then how will I know if he misses me or not?

I have issues with telling people what to do, because I think everyone has the right to be themselves (probably because I want to be accepted , therefore I accept)... but because I don't know how to communicate, I come on here and read about ENFPs, just so I can understand him better. I want to accept him, but he seems so....moving....at a very slow pace, and letting time just pass, and for me it's come on come on come on...let's do something about this already!...type thing.

I dunno.

Well if you ever go to couple's counseling they will tell you to quickly get over that. Placing expectations on your partner to "want" him to do things without you telling him, is one of the biggest dangers in marriages and relationships. All couples reach a point where they have to negotiate and convey their needs. If you don't want to power trip, read "Choice Theory" by Glasser and share it with your boyfriend. ENFPs love reading.

The book deals with how each person brings something to the table. Instead of demanding things, you say "Here is what I can bring to the relationship". It's more about negotiation.

And lol, I'm hungover today too. I think it's hilarious we were drunk posting on this thread. However, I still stand by my advice. Drinking makes me wittier.

[Life.Is.A.Game]

Well if you ever go to couple's counseling they will tell you to quickly get over that. Placing expectations on your partner to "want" him to do things without you telling him, is one of the biggest dangers in marriages and relationships. All couples reach a point where they have to negotiate and convey their needs. If you don't want to power trip, read "Choice Theory" by Glasser and share it with your boyfriend. ENFPs love reading.

The book deals with how each person brings something to the table. Instead of demanding things, you say "Here is what I can bring to the relationship". It's more about negotiation.

And lol, I'm hungover today too. I think it's hilarious we were drunk posting on this thread. However, I still stand by my advice. Drinking makes me wittier.

Oh haha that is funny. Wittier huh? Not me... I wish. I start drama usually, or get angry or say stupid things. It sucks.

Your advice IS good, I mean, it's something everyone says .... You got a problem, talk about it. You want something? Ask for it...

Even I give advice like this lol. I just don't know how to ask, I talk myself out of it all the time. I just think .. "well, actually i don't really want that, i can live without it" ... and then I do that until I'm left with none of my needs being fulfilled...

Anyway, maybe I will read that book, he's pretty busy with studying right now but I know he likes to read, so maybe when he has some free time I'll tell him about it. Thanks!

[Seamaid]

Oh haha that is funny. Wittier huh? Not me... I wish. I start drama usually, or get angry or say stupid things. It sucks.

Your advice IS good, I mean, it's something everyone says .... You got a problem, talk about it. You want something? Ask for it...

Even I give advice like this lol. I just don't know how to ask, I talk myself out of it all the time. I just think .. "well, actually i don't really want that, i can live without it" ... and then I do that until I'm left with none of my needs being fulfilled...

Anyway, maybe I will read that book, he's pretty busy with studying right now but I know he likes to read, so maybe when he has some free time I'll tell him about it. Thanks!

OMG, please don't do that. I do that all the time myself -- it ALWAYS backfires and I end up spelling out my needs with blood and broken dish pieces (ok, not really, but you get the point). And I would HATE it if my ISTP was repressing things and not telling them to me... how would I ever know what makes him happy then, and how could I meet his needs if I don't know what they are? That's a huge part of what it means to be intimate with someone, is being able to communicate what you want and need from them, and vice versa, until everyone is heard and some kind of answer is reached. It's misguided to think you're "keeping the peace" by being silent. It's better to say what you think/want, because especially by the end of the "tough" conversation, as we all know, it's much more peaceful (in our hearts & mind)!

[Delok]

I just don't know how to ask, I talk myself out of it all the time. I just think .. "well, actually i don't really want that, i can live without it" ... and then I do that until I'm left with none of my needs being fulfilled...

This right here is one of the biggest reasons I am divorcing. If this happens for too long, whatever love is inside you dies and turns to a cold void. Or at least did in my case.

[Life.Is.A.Game]

OMG, please don't do that. I do that all the time myself -- it ALWAYS backfires and I end up spelling out my needs with blood and broken dish pieces (ok, not really, but you get the point). And I would HATE it if my ISTP was repressing things and not telling them to me... how would I ever know what makes him happy then, and how could I meet his needs if I don't know what they are? That's a huge part of what it means to be intimate with someone, is being able to communicate what you want and need from them, and vice versa, until everyone is heard and some kind of answer is reached. It's misguided to think you're "keeping the peace" by being silent. It's better to say what you think/want, because especially by the end of the "tough" conversation, as we all know, it's much more peaceful (in our hearts & mind)!

I didn't used to be like this. In my past relationship (marriage actually), I always said what i wanted, and expected to talk about it and negotiate, i always believed in that. But because of the way he shut me down all the time and said "why are you trying to change me, why don't you just accept me?" and others that told me I should just accept him the way he is because everyone loves in different ways, and just because he doesn't show me in MY way doesn't mean he doesn't love me...

Because of 3 years of that, I have turned into this. I had no idea I was so traumatized by it. I always deny that anything ever affects me, so no wonder I couldn't see it, and no wonder it took me so long to find my personality type, because I am different inside then what I show. I'm pretty much living in fear of... everything... being rejected, being abandoned, being unloved, etc... and I don't even want to admit these to myself normally, I always think I can get over people really fast and I can just live the moment and not care...

But this "I don't care" attitude is just fear really, because I know inside I do care, a lot, I'm just scared to say it, I'm scared to believe it, I want to believe i don't care so that I don't get hurt.

Dammit... so many issues to deal with... uhhh. annoying.

[Life.Is.A.Game]

This right here is one of the biggest reasons I am divorcing. If this happens for too long, whatever love is inside you dies and turns to a cold void. Or at least did in my case.

Same reason I got divorced, but it didn't start off that way, did it for you? Or did you get shut down every time you spoke your mind?

[Life.Is.A.Game]

OMG, please don't do that. I do that all the time myself -- it ALWAYS backfires and I end up spelling out my needs with blood and broken dish pieces (ok, not really, but you get the point). And I would HATE it if my ISTP was repressing things and not telling them to me... how would I ever know what makes him happy then, and how could I meet his needs if I don't know what they are? That's a huge part of what it means to be intimate with someone, is being able to communicate what you want and need from them, and vice versa, until everyone is heard and some kind of answer is reached. It's misguided to think you're "keeping the peace" by being silent. It's better to say what you think/want, because especially by the end of the "tough" conversation, as we all know, it's much more peaceful (in our hearts & mind)!

See? We all have insecurities and issues no matter what the type. The difference is, you INFPs don't mind saying it out loud and admitting your insecurities. Us, ISTPs, or maybe I should just talk for myself, I don't know how the others are... but I don't like to admit my insecurities, not even to myself. I just keep living in denial and blame everyone else for "not being able to read my mind" lol.

At least you're admitting yours, and therefore are able to work on them, you know? I wish I could do that. But i feel weak admitting them out loud. I know feelings don't make us weak, they make us human... but... I dunno. It's hard.

[Delok]

I didn't get shut down unless I had a differing opinion. If she agreed with me we had no problems, but If I didn't want to do things her way, she continuously brought up the subject untill it just wasn't worth the effort to me anymore of resisting. So I caved in and just went with the flow for the most part, withdrawing into my own little world of self denial. My attempts at getting what I wanted becomming fewer and fewer untill I snapped. The light switch just went off. I can see the exact moment in my mind when the thought just popped into my head "It isn't worth it. She can't give me what I need. I can't do this life anymore." From then on there was no love in my heart for her. I respect her. She's a wonderful person and mother to our children, but in no way do I ever want to be in a loving relationship with her. Way too much pain for me to ever go there again with her.

[redhotchips]

I'm glad my exISTP and I had a break for perspective, despite the other things that have happened in the interim that muddy it up. It's true, I wouldn't have woken up to things without the way things played out (e.g. a third party disrupting things and forcing space between her and I). I can probably also assume she is being forced to learn and realize things throughout this process. (How long that will take, I don't know.)

FWIW, I do feel my exISTP had some difficulty in expressing herself, even admitting her own feelings to herself, whether not trusting people or what not. She's had some trauma before me, both chronic and intense. I personally don't feel it was that we don't care or want each other, but both of us had very rough edges that we hadn't polished out individually (very important to do it on our own) yet. It may very well be that I was too strong in some aspects that didn't make her feel able to tell me things, or have the environment for her to learn how to. Granted, we did learn and grow a lot with each other, but this was one thing that we probably hadn't completely tackled yet.

Not saying communication was the only and biggest item that was straining our relationship, but I noticed it as one of the significant bumps that had to be addressed.

Thanks for your insights everyone. And y'all female ISTPs, don't be afraid of things or yourselves~