[Seralya]

There is an INFP that's romantically interested in me. He says he loves me and he needs me, he will never ever love another and so on. I do like the person and I think his antics are quite amusing (which, I think, is the only way to not get irritated by them), but there are some things that do make my blood boil.



I do avoid confrontations as much as I can, specially with the feelers, possibly allowing people to think they can get away with things they shouldn't. So I try to first figure out by myself what the heck happened and take it up with the another person only after I know what I want to achieve. After all, I do not need emotional explosions, and the aftercare is always such a huge energy drain.

Things that irritate me to no end usually have to do with "assuming alikeness", that is, treating me as he'd like to be treated himself. Good example of this is "not wanting to leave me alone", as in insisting to keep chatting until the last minute, even when there's nothing to say. This regularly makes me lose sleep ("you need to sleep at X o'clock, right, we still have 30 minutes, I'll keep you company until then") and generally keeps me from recharging. I have to admit that a couple of times he has remembered the idea of "giving me space"; unfortunately both of these occasions have occurred when I've been all wound up trying to explain him something, and thus felt more like an elaborate escape plan than anything else.

Another thing I have difficulties with is the control aspect. I understand that he's feeling insecure and maybe jealous at times. I do have, however, trouble with the following:
- He sends me a couple of emails per day and is disheartened if I do not do the same / answer them promptly / appreciate the effort. This means that he doesn't only crave the daily attention fix, but also, by expecting prompt answers to emails, attempts to keep me alert and decide when that fix should be given to him.
- He more or less expects me to chat with him all my unscheduled time and he dislikes my multitasking as he feels it is disrespectful towards him. And, as a Procrastinator type, pretty much all of my time is unscheduled..
- If something of the above is missing, or if he notices I am giving time to someone else, he starts to feel "worthless" and needs care.
- When he gets upset he goes into "scolding" mode with lines like "How do you think I felt when you said that?" and "Do you really want to let me go to bed like this?" I mean, who died and made you my mother, anyway?

I can understand that an ISTP's devil-may-care attitude can be a lot for an INFP to bear. I am all for helping him over his insecurity, but I do NOT allow anyone even attempt to control me and dictate how I live my life. So my question is.. how can I train this INFP to cut this crap, or should I just minimize the damages and get out of the situation?

[DJArendee]

INFP's are backseat drivers. For me, its always been as if they WANT to control you but aren't really pushy enough to actually pull it off... haha.

You can't train anyone. And if you do, they're going to resent it later.

Another possibility, some feeler men get insecure when their woman is a self confident thinker. I knew an ISFJ man INTP woman couple. The INTP definitely wore the pants... haha.

[reletative]

Run away.

I was in a relationship with a guy who did all those things. It just got worse and ended disastrously

[briesas]

I strugle a bit with the need for emotional stroking and insecurity as an NF -- when i dealt with an ISTP it was like whiplash because of the constant back and forth - one day we were in a relationship, the next week he would act as though that never were the case. Now that was my situation, not yours -- but i felt like if i knew he were in it, I could relax. So, is there perhaps some simple way to address the INFP's insecurity? Have you asked him what that might be?

[Erbse]

Reminds me of my INFJ back in the day.

If it's long distance (which I somewhat presume given that you mention chatting, mailing and texting) you ought to be better off to stay out of it. It wouldn't be because you don't like him, or don't feel anything for him but you'll plainly be incapable of meetings his emotional needs. It'll suck you dry and leave you devastated.

[Seralya]

I strugle a bit with the need for emotional stroking and insecurity as an NF -- when i dealt with an ISTP it was like whiplash because of the constant back and forth - one day we were in a relationship, the next week he would act as though that never were the case. Now that was my situation, not yours -- but i felt like if i knew he were in it, I could relax. So, is there perhaps some simple way to address the INFP's insecurity? Have you asked him what that might be?

I have. I have given him my position as well as I can. I don't think there's anything more I can do now..

Reminds me of my INFJ back in the day.

If it's long distance (which I somewhat presume given that you mention chatting, mailing and texting) you ought to be better off to stay out of it. It wouldn't be because you don't like him, or don't feel anything for him but you'll plainly be incapable of meetings his emotional needs. It'll suck you dry and leave you devastated.

It is long distance all right. And, yeah, I think I left out that... I do care about him. I wouldn't be even be discussing this if I didn't. Considering this - why "plainly incapable" - due to the type differences?

[Kadjunga]

Fact is, he is needy and he does not have a purpose in life and he is using you as his "stability point" and he does not want to lose you. His acting so because he is afraid you will walk out on him and he will be left with nothing. Counter-productive behavior but hey! Noone is perfect.

What he needs is to get HIS life back on track and have more independence but that is almost impossible to show to other people. Especially via long distance. If he can do that, he will back off on the neediness level and he will be a lot more stabler and better person.

How to convey that without making it look like you want him out of your life? That's beyond me. In person you could show how much you care and want them to get better but long distance? No idea.

[Erbse]

It is long distance all right. And, yeah, I think I left out that...

Sounds kind of bitchy, but may be just my perception, anyway, it wasn't meant to be judgmental or offending.

I do care about him. I wouldn't be even be discussing this if I didn't. Considering this - why "plainly incapable" - due to the type differences?

For me, (Canada - EU time difference that time, Canada being 6 hours ahead) I was working from 9 to 5 and the rest of the day I pretty much spent on bus rides and then 'spending time' with the girl afterwards. Chat, webcam, skype, yadda yadda - At best maybe an hour or two for myself a day. Certainly not enough for me.

I wasn't my healthiest either, so it's not like I didn't contribute to the relationship's failure, however unrealistic it was in the first place.

Anyway, she couldn't back off. Retarded rules such as "one email a day /week" started to emerge. Forced crap; If I got nothing to say to you, I got nothing to say. So eventually I permanently was nagged for not doing blah, not being there, not being whatever and grew tired of it. I was plainly incapable of providing the emotional bond INFJ's seek, or I didn't want to, either way it sucked me dry, hard.

I don't even know how often she was in tears and completely took things I said out of context. No matter what I did, or how I tried to handle the situation the outcome was the same, I either cut both of us, or only myself - it was a self-feeding cycle that only spiraled down further.

[Seamaid]

I don't know what a normal INFP is supposed to be like, but I DO recognize your guy's control freak tendencies in myself. I know it's unhealthy, but I'll also say it really comes out when in a relationship with an ISTP.

Kadjunga's totally right: the INFP needs to realize he can't control you for his own sense of safety/worth; the only thing he can control is his own independent destiny. So he needs to do some deep soul searching and figure out what he loves/wants/makes him happy when ALONE. And then go after it. Focus on it as if it is the only thing that matters. Even if it takes him on a far different path from yours.

He has to realize... happiness isn't found in the perfect significant other... it's only found in himself. Once he finds it in himself, the perfect significant other may appear as a side effect (and may not be Seralya), but who cares by then. Ironically, once he is fully immersed in the search for his own independent happiness, you will possibly be more attracted to him and find a way to make the relationship work, no matter what the distance, which if he had any sense, he'd hopefully recognize and appreciate.

It requires, for him, a certain letting go. Once he does realize this, he'll feel a noticeable relaxation, an unclenching of his heart as he accepts the idea of not controlling others to assuage his fear of abandonment/worthlessness. As he lets go, he'll then realize that he can control his OWN life and the subsequent sense of his own potential and worth which is in his own power to determine.

OR he can hold out for a partner who will always do exactly what he needs when he needs it. But that wouldn't have the benefit of his learning how to feel awesome without anyone having to tell him so.

[Seralya]

I don't know what a normal INFP is supposed to be like, but I DO recognize your guy's control freak tendencies in myself. I know it's unhealthy, but I'll also say it really comes out when in a relationship with an ISTP.

Kadjunga's totally right: the INFP needs to realize he can't control you for his own sense of safety/worth; the only thing he can control is his own independent destiny. So he needs to do some deep soul searching and figure out what he loves/wants/makes him happy when ALONE. And then go after it. Focus on it as if it is the only thing that matters. Even if it takes him on a far different path from yours.

He has to realize... happiness isn't found in the perfect significant other... it's only found in himself. Once he finds it in himself, the perfect significant other may appear as a side effect (and may not be Seralya), but who cares by then. Ironically, once he is fully immersed in the search for his own independent happiness, you will possibly be more attracted to him and find a way to make the relationship work, no matter what the distance, which if he had any sense, he'd hopefully recognize and appreciate.

It requires, for him, a certain letting go. Once he does realize this, he'll feel a noticeable relaxation, an unclenching of his heart as he accepts the idea of not controlling others to assuage his fear of abandonment/worthlessness. As he lets go, he'll then realize that he can control his OWN life and the subsequent sense of his own potential and worth which is in his own power to determine.

OR he can hold out for a partner who will always do exactly what he needs when he needs it. But that wouldn't have the benefit of his learning how to feel awesome without anyone having to tell him so.

The thing is that he has barely broken out a quite rotten relationship, or so I understand, one that he stayed in pretty long just because of hopes of things changing in the future, and probably because it was the right thing to do. He does also have a healthy circle of friends, good job he enjoys and is good at, some hobbies and so on, so all the ingredients for a happy life are there already. However, he has now decided that what he wants is me, and nothing else matters.