[DustyDrill]

*rubbing and shaking my head*



I was afraid you were going to ask me that. That's the million dollar question. I'm over in the ENFP forum with Marzi trying figure this shit out now. Your statement was the second one today about an ENFP running. And, my ex called me that on several occasions..."a runner". I can only tell you in all honesty, partly because I am selfish as hell (just recently came to realize just how much). When in pain, I only see my pain until I have time to distance and think about it in retrospect.

When hardships of the relationship occur, Dusty, to be honest now that I think about it, I guess I feel like it's never going to change and somehow I will be trapped in pain if I continue with the relationship. I start to associate more with the pain than the possibility of a good/worthwhile outcome. I guess I start convincing myself that no matter how hard I try it will always be this way with this person especially if it is a reoccurring problem for us.

It's like the only thing I want to do at that time is end the pain and as irrational as it sounds, my solution is to run like hell. The better to be hurt this one time than to continue be hurt over and over again syndrome. It's not pretty. I'm not proud of it. I function well until I hit a patch with someone and I can no longer see a way around the hardship. And, the craziest thing is the more I care and love the person, the higher my tendency is to run.

This is part of the reason why I am not in a relationship right now. And, I don't plan to engage in another one until I can figure out why the hell do I do this.



Another rude awakening for me today. See I would never have seen someone else interpret it as cowardice but once I read your words, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You're absolutely right it is cowardice. The other person interpreted it as an issue of trust with the person he was dealing with. Again, never saw it as causing trust issues but now I see it so clearly. It is so hard to see someone else's perspective when you're hurting and in pain. Or, for that matter to see that they are in pain too.

My partners didn't share with me what my behavior looked like to them. They tended to react to my reactions which only served to further complicate everything. Even upon making up, they didn't share me what my behavior looked like to them. Except for a couple of them who only said I was a runner and that I run too much and that I needed to stop it.


For me, fear. Fear of nothing changing and being suspended in a constant state of anxiety and pain. At those moments, fear was more real to me than any potential for growth and depth. Again, it is only after some time and distance that I can process everything that I can see the growth factor and then I'm kicking myself in the ass for fucking everything up yet again.

It is not a picnic or walk in the park trying to overcome deep rooted fears. I don't know if I can really help you understand something I don't completely understand myself.



Sporting "emotional running shoes"....I just love the ISTP way with words. And, it accurately describes my dilemma. I can only tell you my fear of being trapped in pain is just as real as the fear of being engulfed, being controlled, or any other fear that can be triggered by relationships. Fear is often times irrational and as a result creates some pretty damn irrational behaviors. I'm not sure how much I have helped.

Wow!

Let me just say one thing. This helped me A LOT! Just seeing it from your perspective. This isn't at all how I function. I never would have seen it like this.

For me, people and situations are two separate things. If the person is no good, I could understand running (abusive relationships, etc.). However, a situation changes and feelings change. You could be in a rough patch one day, feeling like shit and be unsure about your partner. Then, the next day you get hit with a wave of awesome that wipes the slate clean.

The trick to this is letting go of yesterday. Yesterday is yesterday. It can't affect you anymore. It's over.

If I would have told my ex how many time I woke up and felt not-so-great about our relationship, it would have ended years sooner. But I wouldn't act on it, I would figure out why I felt like that. If it was something temporary, I would tell myself "This is just temporary. It'll pass." or I would take action to correct the issue.

Then, the next day I'd roll over and see her sleeping face all squished up in the pillow and love her more than ever.

[n2freedom]

Wow!

Let me just say one thing. This helped me A LOT! Just seeing it from your perspective. This isn't at all how I function. I never would have seen it like this.

For me, people and situations are two separate things. If the person is no good, I could understand running (abusive relationships, etc.). However, a situation changes and feelings change. You could be in a rough patch one day, feeling like shit and be unsure about your partner. Then, the next day you get hit with a wave of awesome that wipes the slate clean.

The trick to this is letting go of yesterday. Yesterday is yesterday. It can't affect you anymore. It's over.

If I would have told my ex how many time I woke up and felt not-so-great about our relationship, it would have ended years sooner. But I wouldn't act on it, I would figure out why I felt like that. If it was something temporary, I would tell myself "This is just temporary. It'll pass." or I would take action to correct the issue.

Then, the next day I'd roll over and see her sleeping face all squished up in the pillow and love her more than ever.

Damn Dusty, you just gave me a light bulb moment. Makes sense because as an ISTP your focus is moment by moment. So, you see whatever pain and frustration you maybe feeling as for today.

However, I guess as an ENFP coupled with Enneatype 7, I get stuck in analysis paralysis and I project today's pain out into the future. Panic and run. Damn! Why didn't I see this before now. I guess I just need someone who can ground me and keep me in today with whatever problems we maybe encountering.

I can't tell you how many times on the other side of it how I have berated my own ass for being so ridiculous. Gee, thanks Dusty!! *fighting back tears* You have helped me more than you will ever, ever realize. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I know I'm getting gooey. I do have those moments albeit rare. I mean it a genuine thanks to you.

[DustyDrill]

Damn Dusty, you just gave me a light bulb moment. Makes sense because as an ISTP your focus is moment by moment. So, you see whatever pain and frustration you maybe feeling as for today.

However, I guess as an ENFP coupled with Enneatype 7, I get stuck in analysis paralysis and I project today's pain out into the future. Panic and run. Damn! Why didn't I see this before now. I guess I just need someone who can ground me and keep me in today with whatever problems we maybe encountering.

I can't tell you how many times on the other side of it how I have berated my own ass for being so ridiculous. Gee, thanks Dusty!! *fighting back tears* You have helped me more than you will ever, ever realize. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I know I'm getting gooey. I do have those moments albeit rare. I mean it a genuine thanks to you.

Consider it a trade. Revelation for revelation.

[DustyDrill]

Damn Dusty, you just gave me a light bulb moment. Makes sense because as an ISTP your focus is moment by moment. So, you see whatever pain and frustration you maybe feeling as for today.

However, I guess as an ENFP coupled with Enneatype 7, I get stuck in analysis paralysis and I project today's pain out into the future. Panic and run. Damn! Why didn't I see this before now. I guess I just need someone who can ground me and keep me in today with whatever problems we maybe encountering.

I can't tell you how many times on the other side of it how I have berated my own ass for being so ridiculous. Gee, thanks Dusty!! *fighting back tears* You have helped me more than you will ever, ever realize. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I know I'm getting gooey. I do have those moments albeit rare. I mean it a genuine thanks to you.

I'm just going to think out loud here.

Would the reason she ran after 7 years be because she was used to me fixing things... but, with this particular situation, I honestly had no idea how to fix it? And, because I couldn't fix it, she imagined doom and gloom for a lifetime?

If she does happen to come back, would giving her this ISTP gem be exactly the ticket to help her realize what's worth fighting for versus running from? Or would it seem preachy?

It would be nice not to have to be the one to fix everything. I think I carried the relationship on my back for quite a while.

[Mendi the ISFJ]

If he is selfish on his own,
How's he gonna get laid?

If the bitch wants "happy" she can eat a cookie.

can i have a cookie?

[Duck_of_Death]

I'll give ya cookie, alright...

[Eye of the Potato]

I'm just going to think out loud here.

Would the reason she ran after 7 years be because she was used to me fixing things... but, with this particular situation, I honestly had no idea how to fix it? And, because I couldn't fix it, she imagined doom and gloom for a lifetime?

If she does happen to come back, would giving her this ISTP gem be exactly the ticket to help her realize what's worth fighting for versus running from? Or would it seem preachy?

It would be nice not to have to be the one to fix everything. I think I carried the relationship on my back for quite a while.

So you said you started going out with this girl when you were 19 and were together for 7 years? 19 is very young to meet and settle down with someone for life. I can understand why she might have broken it off before. She probably felt trapped in the relationship. You said yourself that you felt an incredible sense of freedom when it ended, it's likely that it was the same for her too. Maybe you were both doing something wrong the last time around? I think it's probably quite common for couples who meet very young to break up at some point. It's actually probably healthy. What's that saying? If you let someone go and they come back they are yours forever? and if they don't they were never yours to begin with.

So did she have a lot of partying to get out of her system and were you not giving her this freedom or something? Personally I think I needed those partying years, I would have hated it if I missed out on those fun times with friends and I would have resented anyone who tried to stop me.

It sounds to me though that she is now using partying as an escape as opposed to something that should be a celebration of life. I fell into that hole myself and it is not an easy thing to pull yourself out of. How you describe your girlfriend is how I was when I first got together with my istp. Of course for the same reasons you are stating here, he wanted nothing to do with me, couldn't see a future with me, but I felt like I had found the person I had always been searching for my whole life so the pain of his rejection pushed me into a further downward spiral and I ended up doing a lot of really stupid things. All judgement went straight out the window. I really tried getting my life back on track, I started working out and put on dj nights and tried to focus on my passions but as the years wore on I got sucked back down. It was really up and down, all motivation for world domination one minute and despair the next. Istp didn't want me and made it painfully clear and I tried to accept that and move on and meet new people but they were all a huge disappointment. I hated them for not being him, I hated them for agreeing with me when I was clearly talking shit, I hated them for not being able to make me laugh like he can. So for me I know that there are no greener pastures out there, only muddy puddles, so maybe if she wants to get back with you she has finally realized this herself? And if she really has realized this and if she is anything like me you can be sure that lesson will have stuck with her.

[n2freedom]

I'm just going to think out loud here.

Would the reason she ran after 7 years be because she was used to me fixing things... but, with this particular situation, I honestly had no idea how to fix it? And, because I couldn't fix it, she imagined doom and gloom for a lifetime?

Without really knowing more about what the problem was, I can't gain perspective on why she might have run. In the past, for me it usually involves an ongoing, unsolved problem that translates into either my partner doesn't love me, or there is something about me and/or the situation that I believe eventually one day my partner will get tired and leave me, or I believe my partner has ulterior motives to manipulate me to take advantage of me (in other words unresolved trust issues).

Disclaimer: I'm not blaming my past partners because in retrospect my overactive imagination in some cases caused me to draw conclusions that fit into one of the categories above. And, in other cases there were concrete reasons involved.

If she does happen to come back, would giving her this ISTP gem be exactly the ticket to help her realize what's worth fighting for versus running from? Or would it seem preachy?

It would be nice not to have to be the one to fix everything. I think I carried the relationship on my back for quite a while.

Has she realized that she's a runner yet? Do you sense that she is searching to find answers about what may have gone wrong between the two of you? Has she done anything to give you an indication that she wants to approach things differently this time? I believe if the pain of running is starting to get to her, even just a little bit, then I believe yes this gem would definitely help her. Would it seem preachy? I think it all depends on how you share the information with her.

[tokyovogue]

When hardships of the relationship occur, Dusty, to be honest now that I think about it, I guess I feel like it's never going to change and somehow I will be trapped in pain if I continue with the relationship. I start to associate more with the pain than the possibility of a good/worthwhile outcome. I guess I start convincing myself that no matter how hard I try it will always be this way with this person especially if it is a reoccurring problem for us.

Here here. Gotta tip my hat to the whole of that post. Really honest! I also have this problem... I'd say that all of the anxiety issues that I'm working on right now are fearbased. Hell, even when things were good with my ISTP before the breakup, I was living in fear of a breakup, I feared conflict and hated it SO much. Our first little-debate (not even fight) freaked me out.

I'm working on this now and I'm getting much better - but for SO long, I had a definite flight response to all things negative in a relationship. When I think back to what my actions were communicating prior to the break up, I'm surprised N (boyfriend) stayed with me for so long.

[MXZCCT]

Whether or not other ENFP's do this, but my girlfriend does this quite often. Maybe some of you can relate.

The problem,(well I see it as a problem) with my girlfriend is that she is living her days trying to search for happiness that is just around the corner, when it is actually staring at her right in the face. She has this ideal of what her life is going to be like, and she is continuously scheming and shaping her current days to reach that lifstyle later on. To me, that is an absolute waste of time. NOTHING is certain in the future. I could go on and on, but I'm not going to hijack this thread......She has gotten better, I've helped her out some.

To me, I can't really see Dusty's ex as a runner if she is making the first step towards coming back to Dusty. Either that or shes had the same revelation n2freedom has had and decided to make things right?

Considering how much information is present, is it possible that we are over complicating the situation?

Just tossing out food for thought. I'm still too busy trying to make my relationship work with my ENFP, so I'm just going to chill on the sidelines for a little bit. Whatever the right decision is, I'm sure you'll make the right choice Dusty.