[reletative]

please don't get gooey. i'm out of clorox wipes.

[tottoyou]

yeah man i helped u the most in this thread

[Duck_of_Death]

So in short, i dont think he has the right stuff to keep a Feeler happy and he could just be selfish on his own instead of being selfish with a sad feeler attached.

If he is selfish on his own,
How's he gonna get laid?

If the bitch wants "happy" she can eat a cookie.

[reletative]

[DustyDrill]

I've been lurking and following your thread. When you stated she was a runner and, if there was a problem, she would try to escape. Well, that one sounds all to familiar. I tend to have the same pattern in my relationships and I drive men stark raving mad with these tendencies. And, it always creates trust issues as far as my partners being able to let their guard down and for us to experience true intimacy.

I'm not sure how this pattern of behavior impacted your relationship, but unfortunately I don't think that one is going to readily and/or easily disappear. I would recommend you consider if you would still want something more serious if this pattern either never changes and/or gets marginally better.

Now you have me curious so I'm going to start a thread in both the ENFP and the Type 7 subforums. I wish you the best and I have every confidence you will make the best decision for you.

I'm curious. Why do you run? Don't you see a pattern of good/worth-while situations when you stick it out through hardships? How do you learn if you run?

This was, in fact, my biggest frustration with her. We ran into a rough patch and she ran for the hills. I kind of just stood there, amazed by the cowardice of her actions. I figured, after 7 years she would stand and fight. It wasn't the first time either, which is why we were together for seven years and lacked a legally binding contract. I didn't think she could pull off being a wife and mother until she grew up and realized the value of what I had given her.

Maybe you could help me understand why she ran from situations with no potential for real harm, but large potential for growth and depth. Only to end up in a shallow rut. Perhaps if I understand, I can correct. Whether it be for her, or any other chick sporting emotional running shoes I happen to stumble over in my life quest.

[chinotto]

I think a lot of times people run from facing pain, especially old pain. This usually goes with very old and deep-seated fears.

They have to be willing to face it. It helps if someone will be there with you who can understand it and truly be compassionate, and who you know has the balls to withstand that much pain.

But ultimately you have to want to do it.

There are those of use who will stick it out through thick and thin but won't actually be vulnerable.
Different ways people deal with pain that's too much to take at the time it's dished out... need to be dealt with eventually when the time's right.

[DustyDrill]

I think a lot of times people run from facing pain.

They have to be willing to face it. It helps if someone will be there with you who can understand it and truly be compassionate, and who you know has the balls to withstand that much pain.

But ultimately you have to want to do it.

I think she was scared to ask for my help. And I think I know why. Because I honestly didn't understand what she was bitching about. She knew I didn't quite understand. Pain and suffering just make me work harder, the opposite of giving up. This kind of relays back to the "I can't trust people because they don't share my values" point.

If I'm having financial trouble, I don't curl up and cry in bed. I battle my ISTP laziness and work overtime on the weekends. Solve the problem, dammit! Running away just lands you back on square one. So damn inefficient!

There are those of use who will stick it out through thick and thin but won't actually be vulnerable.
Different ways people deal with pain that's too much to take at the time it's dished out... need to be dealt with eventually when the time's right.

How would someone function carrying all of that weight? That sounds awful... The right time seems like right now, who would want negativity following them around for longer than needed?

A good example of how I battle pain is actually the day she broke it off with me. I went into work that morning and asked for 3 days off. During those 3 days I went Ti so hard it would make most none Ti users' heads explode. Then I went back to work, and functioned as usual.

[Grim]

Dusty, it wasnt an expectation or a perceived need on your part. It was just an open offer. Wish you the best of luck with your situation.

[chinotto]

How would someone function carrying all of that weight? That sounds awful... The right time seems like right now, who would want negativity following them around for longer than needed?

Afraid it'll kill you, or at a minimum throw your life into turmoil, if you try to cough it up it all at once. Not sure how to start. Afraid you'll lose people if they can't hack it or if you can't maintain your "composure" for them the way you have forever. And just plain old fear of change. You get that way by "working harder" (or running harder) and you unlearn it by learning to work "different" not necessarily harder in the objective sense. "Different" can be hard and scary. Yes, it is awful. Fear tends to be paralyzing, I think that's the worst thing about it.

It sounds like she sees/senses that you have the capacity to understand and help her. If you want to.

[n2freedom]

I'm curious. Why do you run? Don't you see a pattern of good/worth-while situations when you stick it out through hardships? How do you learn if you run?

*rubbing and shaking my head*

I was afraid you were going to ask me that. That's the million dollar question. I'm over in the ENFP forum with Marzi trying figure this shit out now. Your statement was the second one today about an ENFP running. And, my ex called me that on several occasions..."a runner". I can only tell you in all honesty, partly because I am selfish as hell (just recently came to realize just how much). When in pain, I only see my pain until I have time to distance and think about it in retrospect.

When hardships of the relationship occur, Dusty, to be honest now that I think about it, I guess I feel like it's never going to change and somehow I will be trapped in pain if I continue with the relationship. I start to associate more with the pain than the possibility of a good/worthwhile outcome. I guess I start convincing myself that no matter how hard I try it will always be this way with this person especially if it is a reoccurring problem for us.

It's like the only thing I want to do at that time is end the pain and as irrational as it sounds, my solution is to run like hell. The better to be hurt this one time than to continue be hurt over and over again syndrome. It's not pretty. I'm not proud of it. I function well until I hit a patch with someone and I can no longer see a way around the hardship. And, the craziest thing is the more I care and love the person, the higher my tendency is to run.

This is part of the reason why I am not in a relationship right now. And, I don't plan to engage in another one until I can figure out why the hell do I do this.

This was, in fact, my biggest frustration with her. We ran into a rough patch and she ran for the hills. I kind of just stood there, amazed by the cowardice of her actions. I figured, after 7 years she would stand and fight. It wasn't the first time either, which is why we were together for seven years and lacked a legally binding contract. I didn't think she could pull off being a wife and mother until she grew up and realized the value of what I had given her.

Another rude awakening for me today. See I would never have seen someone else interpret it as cowardice but once I read your words, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You're absolutely right it is cowardice. The other person interpreted it as an issue of trust with the person he was dealing with. Again, never saw it as causing trust issues but now I see it so clearly. It is so hard to see someone else's perspective when you're hurting and in pain. Or, for that matter to see that they are in pain too.

My partners didn't share with me what my behavior looked like to them. They tended to react to my reactions which only served to further complicate everything. Even upon making up, they didn't share me what my behavior looked like to them. Except for a couple of them who only said I was a runner and that I run too much and that I needed to stop it.

Maybe you could help me understand why she ran from situations with no potential for real harm, but large potential for growth and depth. Only to end up in a shallow rut. Perhaps if I understand, I can correct.

For me, fear. Fear of nothing changing and being suspended in a constant state of anxiety and pain. At those moments, fear was more real to me than any potential for growth and depth. Again, it is only after some time and distance that I can process everything that I can see the growth factor and then I'm kicking myself in the ass for fucking everything up yet again.

It is not a picnic or walk in the park trying to overcome deep rooted fears. I don't know if I can really help you understand something I don't completely understand myself.

Whether it be for her, or any other chick sporting emotional running shoes I happen to stumble over in my life quest.

Sporting "emotional running shoes"....I just love the ISTP way with words. And, it accurately describes my dilemma. I can only tell you my fear of being trapped in pain is just as real as the fear of being engulfed, being controlled, or any other fear that can be triggered by relationships. Fear is often times irrational and as a result creates some pretty damn irrational behaviors. I'm not sure how much I have helped.