[reletative]

I know in my case, as much as I really really wanted to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, i had to accept that the issues that were a problem were still there. He really hadn't moved forward since we'd broken up. The only self-realization he'd had was that he had pushed me away and he regretted it. But i had no guarantee he wouldn't do it again.... I just couldn't rationally see the evidence that he was going to face some of the shit in his life and deal with it, and that's what i needed him to do before I could open that door back up again. So i went with my head and not my heart. I haven't regretted that decision, I mean I did find someone whom I am now married to who is able to be the person that I need. I don't really believe in "The one' or any such nonsense....I mean if me and my ex had met 10 years later than we did, we probably would have lasted for years, if not a lifetime. But I've moved forward and found the happiness I want in someone else. I dunno, that's my experience.

I actually was thinking the other day (i guess my husbands hospital visit got my mind going down morbid paths, lol) like what would happen if my husband died or something and I found myself single again. I decided I would 100% for certain look up my ex and see how he was. Even though the "love door" is shut to that guy, I'd be open to opening it again if I was single. (that's the rational mind decision,.....i'm not a cheater, so all you jealousy-types don't go judging)

[Grim]

The easiest way to keep my distance until someone builds that trust is to be selfish.

Perhaps, I think you can still share and not leave your barn door wide open at the same time. In fact it is possible to be very generous and not have trust be an issue at all. You're doing what you're doing to protect yourself... everyone does what they need to do to accomplish this, and that's OK.

If you both are comfortable with the friends/casual sex route, there's no harm. But as for a serious relationship; Do you believe your personal foundation is solid enough to support one? Do you think she's capable of sustaining one?

Forget intentions/motives... ask yourself if either or both are even capable.

[reletative]

@Mendi the ISFJ

I think he IS stating "the only situations that he can accept" he just worded in a way that sounded offensive to you (rules).

Again, ISTPs are NOT fuckwads controllers. In fact we're waaaaaaaaaay opposite. I only point this out, because I've never ever met an ISTP who was controlling. I think we're one of the most laid back types.

[DustyDrill]

I know in my case, as much as I really really wanted to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, i had to accept that the issues that were a problem were still there. He really hadn't moved forward since we'd broken up. The only self-realization he'd had was that he had pushed me away and he regretted it. But i had no guarantee he wouldn't do it again.... I just couldn't rationally see the evidence that he was going to face some of the shit in his life and deal with it, and that's what i needed him to do before I could open that door back up again. So i went with my head and not my heart. I haven't regretted that decision, I mean I did find someone whom I am now married to who is able to be the person that I need. I don't really believe in "The one' or any such nonsense....I mean if me and my ex had met 10 years later than we did, we probably would have lasted for years, if not a lifetime. But I've moved forward and found the happiness I want in someone else. I dunno, that's my experience.

I actually was thinking the other day (i guess my husbands hospital visit got my mind going down morbid paths, lol) like what would happen if my husband died or something and I found myself single again. I decided I would 100% for certain look up my ex and see how he was. Even though the "love door" is shut to that guy, I'd be open to opening it again if I was single. (that's the rational mind decision,.....i'm not a cheater, so all you jealousy-types don't go judging)

See, that's what I'm pondering on. She seems like she's becoming worse, but then she comes around and says she's going to law school soon. So she has a plan and no longer wants to run off and live in some far off place making minimum wage just to escape her issues. I see that as progress. She was a runner before we broke it off. If there was a problem, she would try to escape. Me, I stand my ground like the stubborn bastard I am and weather the storm.

I also completely understand that hypothetical situation. You let him in, he'll be there forever. We're ISTPs, we don't take people getting close to us lightly. Which is probably why I'm even thinking about this in the first place.

[DustyDrill]

Perhaps, I think you can still share and not leave your barn door wide open at the same time. In fact it is possible to be very generous and not have trust be an issue at all. You're doing what you're doing to protect yourself... everyone does what they need to do to accomplish this, and that's OK.

If you both are comfortable with the friends/casual sex route, there's no harm. But as for a serious relationship; Do you believe your personal foundation is solid enough to support one? Do you think she's capable of sustaining one?

Forget intentions/motives... ask yourself if either or both are even capable.

I am. I'm capable of anything I put my mind (and heart) into. Seriously. But, like a said, she's not me. So I have no clue what she's capable of or willing to do. Which is why I'm treading cautiously and (apparently) selfishly.

[n2freedom]

See, that's what I'm pondering on. She seems like she's becoming worse, but then she comes around and says she's going to law school soon. So she has a plan and no longer wants to run off and live in some far off place making minimum wage just to escape her issues. I see that as progress. She was a runner before we broke it off. If there was a problem, she would try to escape. Me, I stand my ground like the stubborn bastard I am and weather the storm.

I also completely understand that hypothetical situation. You let him in, he'll be there forever. We're ISTPs, we don't take people getting close to us lightly. Which is probably why I'm even thinking about this in the first place.

I've been lurking and following your thread. When you stated she was a runner and, if there was a problem, she would try to escape. Well, that one sounds all to familiar. I tend to have the same pattern in my relationships and I drive men stark raving mad with these tendencies. And, it always creates trust issues as far as my partners being able to let their guard down and for us to experience true intimacy.

I'm not sure how this pattern of behavior impacted your relationship, but unfortunately I don't think that one is going to readily and/or easily disappear. I would recommend you consider if you would still want something more serious if this pattern either never changes and/or gets marginally better.

Now you have me curious so I'm going to start a thread in both the ENFP and the Type 7 subforums. I wish you the best and I have every confidence you will make the best decision for you.

[Grim]

I am. I'm capable of anything I put my mind (and heart) into. Seriously. But, like a said, she's not me. So I have no clue what she's capable of or willing to do. Which is why I'm treading cautiously and (apparently) selfishly.

I dont think your actions are selfish. I just see some of the mindset there. It's not overt, and I take you at face value about being that way as a system of self preservation. No value judgment here, and you've no need to prove capability to me. More than anything I'm just curious. If I can say something that helps you make up your mind... great... if not I'm content to ask questions.


Do you find that you end up looping around in your concerns, starting at concern A, processing through others, ending back up at A and starting all over again?

[DustyDrill]

I dont think your actions are selfish. I just see some of the mindset there. It's not overt, and I take you at face value about being that way as a system of self preservation. No value judgment here, and you've no need to prove capability to me. More than anything I'm just curious. If I can say something that helps you make up your mind... great... if not I'm content to ask questions.


Do you find that you end up looping around in your concerns, starting at concern A, processing through others, ending back up at A and starting all over again?

It all comes back to her ability to put some real effort in. That's my biggest concern. Which is why I'm letting her come to me, and which is why I'm planning on going in on such a cold route.

The worst and best part about relationships is that they require someone who isn't you.

[Grim]

It all comes back to her ability to put some real effort in. That's my biggest concern. Which is why I'm letting her come to me, and which is why I'm planning on going in on such a cold route.

The worst and best part about relationships is that they require someone who isn't you.

Well... there's not much else I can offer here that I havent already said. I get the feeling that you've some hurt that you're still processing.

If you've got more to share and would feel more comfortable doing so privately.... you're always welcome to PM me. I might have more to offer in that kind of a setting.

[DustyDrill]

Well... there's not much else I can offer here that I havent already said. I get the feeling that you've some hurt that you're still processing.

If you've got more to share and would feel more comfortable doing so privately.... you're always welcome to PM me. I might have more to offer in that kind of a setting.

No offense, but I started the thread simply to get perspective to help me think. I don't really need help figuring it out as much as I need ideas bounced off of my thick skull until I come to an epiphany of sorts.

Thanks for your attempts though. Much appreciated. This shit isn't as cut and dry as the things most ISTPs are used to handling.

And I know all of you ENFPs love recognition, so thank you all. You've helped me more than I care to type.

ISTPs, you're cool and you know it. No need to get gooey.