[fire469]

I'm 14 and have been dating an ISTP for about 4 months now. He's not going to be coming to the same school as me next year and I'm not personally a fan of distance relationships. There's still 4 more months left of school. We've been on dates and have kissed and he's told me he loves me. I think I love him back (I say think because I don't know if I really know what it means to love someone yet), but I know I like him a lot.

I feel like there's something bugging me. A wedge of some sort between us. A reoccurring thought of mine is to end our relationship.

I want to end it because:
- It's been a stressful year with a boyfriend
- Life was simpler when I was single
- My grades aren't doing great
- We fight a lot...
- I feel judged by him when I tell him some things
- He seems to be taking our relationship too fast...

I want to stay in our relationship because:
- I get happier when I'm with him most times
- I can't stop thinking about him
- I think I love him
- He's one of two that I have come to trust
- He says I can tell him everything and that he wont' judge me
- I don't know what I would do without him...

I think I'm overwhelmed and confused and can't think straight ... I don't know if it's healthy to stay in this relationship... Maybe I'm just not relationship worthy...

I might just be ranting now because he told be he couldn't talk today (we usually text all afternoon) because he was going to be busy, but he was online and chatting some of his friends on FB...

Any Thoughts??

[zynthaxx]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but at 14, you both still have some mental growing up to do. It's not about being "worthy", but rather about gaining some perspective to things.
If the thing you say you rant about in the end of your post happened the way you describe it, chances are he simply needs some air; that he feels like being social on his own terms. If you want to be with ISTPs, you need to understand that this isn't a rejection of you as a person, but one of the ways in which our need for freedom shows itself. We need alone-time, we need time where we select the people we spend time with and spend time with them on our terms. Or simply don't spend time with others.
On the other hand, he needs to understand that you need him to inform you about this so you at least have the option to choose to not feel rejected even if that would be your initial feeling to his temporary isolation from you.

So basically, if he's important to you, learn to communicate how you feel in a non-threatening and non-accusing way, and tell him you need him to do the same back to you. If either of you feels you'd rather tell a "white lie" than risk confrontation, then you have a serious problem in you communication that you need to fix - if not for the sake of this relationship, then for the sake of your future relationships.

</drphil>

[DJArendee]

lol "<drphil>"

Damn girl you gotta be the youngest I've encountered on this forum.

Mad props to getting a 14 year old ISTP into a relationship. Do you ever give each other space away from one another? I'm talking, an entire day or two apart with zero contact?

If you think you're in love with him, I'd be skeptical. Yes, at your age things can be very intense; they were when I was first dating. but like you said, even you don't know if you've fallen in love. I'm 23 and I still am unsure if I have or not, but I definitely know what its like to date XXFJ's... and its pretty intense.

I find that when I'm with INFJ's, we get tired of each other over time and need space apart. Once we come back together its like nothing ever happened. Its perfectly ok to not feel an immediate "intensity" in a relationship from time to time. Love will keep you together regardless of immediate feelings.

The way my brother puts it, a relationship is like an investment. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. You might not be interested in some of the things your bf does, and he might not be interested in some of the things you do either. That's when you open yourself up and try to like the things he likes, and he do the same to you.

Also, arguments need to be productive and blunt. "I don't like it when you do XXX because it makes me feel YYY."

Everyone argues to some extent in relationships. Its how you move on from there that's imporant.

Hope that helps.

[Erbse]

Is MBTI in that age bracket even accurate?

Yes, I am aware I'm hijacking a 14 years old girl's thread but I've enough reasons to believe I'll go to hell regardless of whether or not I do it.

[DJArendee]

I'd say its even more accurate in some ways. In other ways, they may not have reached a certain point in the description. (I only recently decided I'd start using my Ti to defend my feelings. It never really occurred to me what that meant.)

[Erbse]

Well, I wouldn't doubt it may be temporarily more accurate, but if look back I always consider my old self from a year ago to be a massive idiot - meaning I constantly develop still.

My conscious thinking for all I know only started around 15ish or 16ish, and even then, compared to now it was a joke. Since it's common knowledge that the most massive changes and developments take change during puberty I'd think that MBTI anywhere pre puberty or half way would merely be an indicator which may or may not be correct by the time you leave puberty.

The mental capability simply strikes me as too limited to receive any kind of accurate indicator.

[epic]

Is MBTI in that age bracket even accurate?

Yes, I am aware I'm hijacking a 14 years old girl's thread but I've enough reasons to believe I'll go to hell regardless of whether or not I do it.

MBTI might not be accurate, but I figure by 14 you probably know what your main functions are, but haven't developed them to the point of strongly excluding many others.

[Ahoy]

- I feel judged by him when I tell him some things
- He says I can tell him everything and that he wont' judge me

Seems a bit conflicting, no?

Anyway, I feel your pain hah. I'm in a similar situation except I've made up my mind.

I want to end it because:
- It's been unyielding chaotic for more or less the entire duration
- Life was way, way simpler when I was single.
- I've failed one class already, and am failing another
- We have seemingly insurmountable ideological differences
- She makes me sad/crazy
- She refuses to define our relationship

I want to stay in our relationship because:
- She makes me happy
- Her worldview and how she thinks is pretty different from mine. It's refreshing.
- I really care about her, and have grown attached
- Shes one of my friends, and I don't want to loose that
- She handles conflict pretty well, and is easy to talk to
- I like cuddles

My advice?

Direct communication. Do not allude, do not send out "signs", and for the love of god don't assume they can read any subtext. Like DJ said, ""I dont like XXX. When you do XXX it makes me feel YYY." I've found them to be remarkably open to what I might think is confrontation. As long as you keep it logical, civil and not terribly emotionally charged you'd be amazed what you guys can talk about. And try and keep a bit of "downtime" where you don't hang out or talk. They need space in a pretty major way compared to me at least.

And at the end of the day, there's always another fish in the sea. Or as it was so eloquently put to me by a friend... "There's better poon out there."

[ClarifiedMind]

I'm 14 and have been dating an ISTP for about 4 months now. He's not going to be coming to the same school as me next year and I'm not personally a fan of distance relationships. There's still 4 more months left of school. We've been on dates and have kissed and he's told me he loves me. I think I love him back (I say think because I don't know if I really know what it means to love someone yet), but I know I like him a lot.

I feel like there's something bugging me. A wedge of some sort between us. A reoccurring thought of mine is to end our relationship.

I want to end it because:
- It's been a stressful year with a boyfriend
- Life was simpler when I was single
- My grades aren't doing great
- We fight a lot...
- I feel judged by him when I tell him some things
- He seems to be taking our relationship too fast...

I want to stay in our relationship because:
- I get happier when I'm with him most times
- I can't stop thinking about him
- I think I love him
- He's one of two that I have come to trust
- He says I can tell him everything and that he wont' judge me
- I don't know what I would do without him...

I think I'm overwhelmed and confused and can't think straight ... I don't know if it's healthy to stay in this relationship... Maybe I'm just not relationship worthy...

I might just be ranting now because he told be he couldn't talk today (we usually text all afternoon) because he was going to be busy, but he was online and chatting some of his friends on FB...

Any Thoughts??

I know you don't want to hear this but:

Yes, focus on your academics, your self esteem and creating a strong bond with your family. These are the three things you will need to rely on for the rest of your life. You have many, many years to deal with boys/men so enjoy your stress free days while you can. What's unhealthy is that you are focusing on a relationship when you should be focusing on yourself...your grades are dropping so that is a pretty firm indication you should redirect your focus.

The relationship advice that I would give you is to ask him what's up. Just because he's on FB talking to his friends doesn't mean much of anything. Chatting on FB for an hour is very different than texting all afternoon. Perhaps he didn't want to tie up an a whole afternoon texting so he just said he was busy. How would you have reacted if he said he didn't feel up to texting today? I don't think boys his age are very good at expressing themselves directly. ISTP's don't have an issue with telling people how they feel so to me this is a maturity issue not a personality issue.

[fire469]

Thanks so much! However...

We need alone-time, we need time where we select the people we spend time with and spend time with them on our terms. Or simply don't spend time with others.

He spends a lot of time with me at school... He'll leave his friends and come sit with me at lunch. He's usually asking for alone time but he means that he only wants to be with me.

He said he was going to be busy all day today too though. I think it's very possible that I'm overreacting... But I still have my doubts...