ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers
Open vs Closed Communication Styles
Because I'm stubborn and refuse to give up on this. After some introspection, analyzing and affirmations, what I want to learn is open vs closed communication styles.
Most ISTPs here should be able to relate with closed communications styles. I use these to repel people - and as my last topic demonstrated, people get offended by this.
Open communication styles, socializing among them, humor is considered a universal, is something I'm not too familiar with.
Could some someone give me some concrete and real world examples, that I as an ISTP can use?
ISTP - The Mechanics
Let's see if I can put this into words.
Ok, i was over at a friend's house the other night while a mutual friend of ours was shooting some hoops in the driveway. I knew that he was in the Marines for 10 years so I asked him what his job was and then how he liked it, while we shot some hoops together. Now, since we ISTPs don't really give two shit about the details I need to find something else that's relevant. For me, I learned something new about someone that I've slowly gotten to know over the past year or so...because I only see him once or twice a month for a few hours at our mutual friend's house.
For people that ask me questions, that's a little more difficult. I try to answer them without being too guarded or giving too much of myself away. For instance, that friend then asked me why I was curious, which gave me the chance to say that I was thinking about joining the National Guard. I gave him real reasons, even the slightly personal ones, and over-all this conversation lasted about 15-20 minutes. Replies, witty banter, etc. all need you to shut your Ti off or at least tone it down so you can go with the flow. edit2: Kind of like a sport. Make a game out of it. /edit2
With the humor thing, I'm still kinda bad there myself. Someone will say something that they think is innocent and they will have actually just hit one of my buttons. For instance, same friend's house and different mutual friend. I picked up a pair of drumsticks that are considerably smaller in diameter than what I use and started playing slow paradiddles (RLRR-LRLL). Once I got used to playing with what felt like pencils I start playing the paradiddles fast. The mutual friend said "oh, had to practice before you could do that, huh?" "I just had to get used to these sticks...they're a lot thinner than mine." This set both of them off cracking jokes while I got continually more annoyed. I finally looked at the friend, who's a bassist, and said "I've heard you complain about having to get used to different basses and strings numerous times, it's the same thing". I know that this was the wrong response and I knew it immediately afterward by their reaction. To me, they were insulting something I spend a lot of time working on. To them, well, I don't really know...I guess they were just laughing at what they didn't understand. The correct response to "had to practice, huh?" should have been a simple "yep". Actually, I think the "correct" response would've been, "yeah, I'm really not very good" or something to show some bullshit sense of false humility...or something like that.
Holy crap, that took a little over 30 minutes to type out.
ISTP - The Mechanics
To use an open communication style, the first thing to remember is that you aren't that important.
Originally Posted by ZC Carbon
No, it has nothing with lack of respect for oneself to do - quite the opposite, actually. It's about understanding that there really isn't any point in being secretive; that most of the things that make you into you, are common to just about everybody. An open communication style is all about widening one's interface to others, about trying to find common denominators - not by randomly probing into the other person, but by showing who you are (or who you want to be) and letting the other person do the work of deciding what about you he/she finds interesting.
Also, what you want to do, is to plant a feeling that you're genuinely interested in the other person. Ask questions about them. If you're talking to somebody, try to involve them by being people-centric rather than conceptual. Don't talk to them mainly about things or about "the business at hand", but about them. People love talking about themselves.
And yes: The best way to learn this is to start out by faking this interest. Sooner or later, you will get genuinely interested in a person you're talking to, unless they're a total bore.
Humor is closely related to this: Try showing that you understand the other person, and that you've been listening to her/him by joking/bantering about a new piece of information (s)he disclosed to you. In a way that's not disrespectful, mind you...
I believe the key is to show people your best. That's all. Get in the best possible mood you can and let people see that. Confidence grows from KNOWING yourself, and only accepting feedback that you KNOW to be correct.
The way I do this is I actually meditate at least 2 hours a day. No I'm not talking about sitting indian style saying oohhmmmm. I'm talking about full fledged ME time: no TV, no computer, no newspaper... just me, usually sitting, or lying down, just thinking. That's it. I just let my mind wander. At first my mind usually wants to go do things before it gets bored, but then after a while I get so deep in thought that my mood changes dramatically to whatever it is I'm thinking about. I think about my relationships with people, common issues, why I act the way I do, etc. Think of it as sorting through your mental mail, throwing out the garbage and keeping the good stuff. Just let your mind wander, talk to yourself, whatever is most satisfying.
I find after I've given myself a good talkin'to, that I suddenly become a much better person, much more affable, my sentences flow much smoother, my "confidence" rises... But its very important to find friends whose sense of humor matches yours. Recently I've been very angry and bitter with some people at school because they simply don't understand my sense of humor. I'm surrounded by people who take life WAY too seriously, and need a swift kick in the bum. I've also told myself to be much more stubborn when it comes to taking the feedback of others, and do what feels natural to me. I'd say 60% of the feedback I recieve from others is wrong, or their advice wouldn't work for me specifically. So really dig deep, spend some time meditating, let your mind wander and naturally sort out some thoughts, and you'll become more confident in yourself because you KNOW how you operate, not them. The open gestures will come naturally once this confidence increases and you've given yourself your alone time.
ISTP - The Mechanics
Immediatly useful techniques are reflective-listening and posture mirroring.
Originally Posted by ZC Carbon
Posture mirroring is a little different.
When you approach somebody, develop a non aggressive, non confrontational posture. Over the course of the first few minutes, slowly slip into the same posture as the person you are talking to. Gently and subtly mimic their body language. If they put a hand in their pocket, over the next minute or so put a hand in your pocket. Do the same with facial expressions. With practice, you can even match their breathing.
The longer you are in the conversation, the faster you can start to mirror them, until you are both doing the same things at pretty much the same time.
Once you have them doing this for a few minutes, I'll usually touch my face or rub my hair. If all is going well, they will then start to follow me and mirror what I have just done. Then you know that you have synced up with them.
Both of these are easy techniques you can pull off with just a little practice, that will make others comfortable with you and like you in a conversation right away. Research them on the web. There is plenty out there on this stuff.
Closed communication- i literally close my door in my room if i don't want to talk. sometimes i'll put on headphones.
if i get bugged ALOT, i'll end up yelling, one of the few times i yell, only my mom does that which is why i'm glad
i don't live with her. the expression on my face too, but sometimes when i have a "pissed" face, people that are
close to me will try to ask me what's bothering me, which is why i don't do it intentionally.
open- hmm, this one's tougher, i think a facial expression gives it away. when you've got an enthusiastic look, eyes widen, eyebrows up, upbeat expression, people will want to know what's making you happy or upbeat, but the thing is i have to have a genuine enthusias, aka i can't fake it.
other communication clues: i cross my arms which varies the meaning. sometimes i'm actively listening. other times i want someone to talk to me and this is where it looks like something different from what i'm thinking. i intentionally will cross
my arms which sometimes people look at as anger, which leads them to talk sometimes because they think i am pissed or something.
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