[Indigo Aria]

Ok, here is my problem... dad is an INFJ, and I am basically incapable of communicating effectively with him. I either end up accidentally hurting his feelings or become so annoyed with him that I need to leave. And its killing me because I want him to be happy, but I don't know how to act around him and its always really awkward. Some of of our main points of umm... misunderstanding?

- we both like old trucks and tractors and whatnot, but he is always trying to make, like, "relationship building time" out of working outside while I am always focused on the task at hand and would honestly rather be alone

- he always wants help with EVERYTHING!!!!! and, as I brought up in the working with an ISTP thread, that just screams "I am incompetent and want to blame my problems on you" to me. Apparently he thinks we can spend quality time together while working on something?

- any time we are together he talks non stop. yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak. and of course I can't just sit there and listen/look like I'm listening...he requires responses every five frickin seconds.

- he is ALWAYS asking what my plans are, what i'm doing, who i'm seeing, who i'm doing and then needs to update me with all the personal details of his life including the taste of the glue he licked on the envelope for the card that he is sending to his fourth cousin that he hasn't seen in 15 years, but he still likes to say happy anniversary to even though he never liked his cousins choice in women since she could never brew a good pot of...you get the point

- and he gets off on saying stereotypical father things. l cant think of a good example though.

a lot of times i just go along with what he thinks is going on, which usually winds up with me not saying the right thing/ not saying enough. sometimes I just say whats on my mind, like one of my latest comments was "I know you want to elaborate, so go ahead..." which came out so badly that it offended an ISTJ.

I just get so insanely tired of "trying to bond", which is what he is ALWAYS trying to do, and I can't escape it. I love him, but I just don't have that emotional depth, and all I really want is to be left alone sometimes. Anytime I ever try to convey that it ends badly.

I introduced him to MBTI one time, and he tested as an INFJ, and i believe it was accurate. I had him read my profile too in hopes that he would understand himself and I better, but it was more like "oh, thats neat" and he never thought about it again.

So I guess I know what the problem is...and I try to understand that he's an INFJ and that's just him, but its not working. How can I get along better with my INFJ?

[teabiscits]

you should say everything u have just said in ur post. if he's really an infj he will understand. let him know that u love him before u say anything else tho and keep repeating how much u love him and that u are touched by how much he cares and how lucky u are to have a dad who cares so much. some people have fathers who don't even bother to stick around to raise their kids so let him know how grateful u are to have him. but let him know that u need to just be blunt sometimes that it drains u to have to be nicey nicey all the time. maybe he keeps talking because he is trying too hard, maybe he would lighten up a bit if u let him know u think he is a great dad. maybe u could ask him if it's possible to share a comfortable silence for say 10 minutes? tell him u just like silence, that u find it comforting and not to take any offence to it. tell him it wouldn't matter if u were in the company of the funniest person on the planet, u would still like peace and quiet. let him know that it isn't the content of what he is saying that bothers u, more so it's the quantity of content and the timing.

[Era]

I'm so glad I don't have a father after reading that post.

[Humilis Curator]

He cares about you, a lot. Not only do we care about people in general, your his son, thats a special bond even more so to him. He wants to be involved in your life to be apart of it to help you grow as a person because that is one of the huge things for INFJs he wants to see the same progress in you. Ya will really have to compromise with him on some things like the you being focused on the task and him wanting to bond. It is a difficult situation I can imagine. Sometimes you will have to tell him that you just simply need time alone, if your honest and upfront with him he should take it well and understand. As for the helping thing, tell him that ya want to do it on your own so you can really learn it in and out on your own so you can do it on your own. I wish I could help more or have more advice but I am so drained right now so if I wake up tomorrow with more ideas I will put them down here for ya.

[another infp]

First, I'd give the introduction to type another go. Tell your father that you are trying to communicate with him, but he needs to have a basic understanding of where you're coming from (point out, too, that you think you are not being heard), and that Type provides a good beginning descriptor. The main thing is to make sure he understands that this is important to you. I've **never** seen an INFJ dismiss someone who expresses a desire to be understood - *especially* their child.

For what it's worth, I've been trying to get my ENTJ mother to look into Type for years. She is **finally** coming around. Maybe there is hope yet.

[Era]

He doesn't seem very open to the idea that his son is just plain different from him. What can you do with people like that? Forcefully educate them? What a pain.

[another infp]

What can you do with people like that? Forcefully educate them?

Yes.

You tell them that they are risking permanent damage to the relationship. If they still do not listen, walk away and don't look back, parent or not. If they come around later, practice forgiveness for your own sake and proceed.

[luminous beam]

tell him this "look dad, i know you're just trying to bond. but i don't feel comfortable blatantly opening up and quite frankly i don't feel you need to try so hard to connect w/me. the truth is i love you, you're my father and so long as we're hanging out and doing something we have in common, that's fine w/me. but all this chatty stuff is not my style, you dig? i just want us both to be happy *hug the man*" the end.

[another infp]

tell him this "look dad, i know you're just trying to bond. but i don't feel comfortable blatantly opening up and quite frankly i don't feel you need to try so hard to connect w/me. the truth is i love you, you're my father and so long as we're hanging out and doing something we have in common, that's fine w/me. but all this chatty stuff is not my style, you dig? i just want us both to be happy *hug the man*" the end.

LOL . . . or ^that^.

You could also find something to do with him that doesn't involve him being in your space. A car show, maybe?

[Allium]

This will probably not help but I can tell you of my similar situation.

My mom is probably an INFJ and just like what you said first, either she gets hurt or I get so annoyed I need to leave. I believe she is really trying though. When we talks she doesn't seem to listen or understand, believe in what I say but seem to be constantly trying to read between the lines searching for something she likes. Like if she is constantly searching for something "good" but I guess she never finds it.
So when the conversation is over it will be clear she either haven't taken in anything, cause she asks something that already have been brought into light, or she walks away crying(?!) without saying anything.

She also gives me orders, constantly. Doesn't matter what I say about that one, she never learns. Strange, I have never met anyone trying to control me as much as she does.
The bad is, we are further apart now than we was a few years ago.

I also now this INFJ girl, insane(an I mean it) communication problems. I don't think anyone makes her cry as much as I do while not saying anything to hurt her. She just retreats into her shell/walks/runs away without any to me visible warning signs. Then I am off the friend list for a week or so. I may understand her a little better though, than my om.
It is like she can't stand the "harsh" reality, only wanting to live/believe in a fairy tale with everyone doing good things. When I remind her of the opposite, in any way it is game over.

Oh, after reading teabiscits post again I got an idea... maybe we give too little love back? They need love and need to hear they are loved/appreciated. Wait... no, false alarm. I "spoke" to quickly. The friend I got would probably feel uncomfortable and retreat into her shell if I said something like that. But maybe that's because we are not family? This one is hard.

INFJs, we need you help here.