ISTP Forum - The MechanicsOfficial forum for the ISTP personality type. Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Sensing Forum
Need to belong - how do you deal with it?
ISTP Forum - The Mechanics Thread, Need to belong - how do you deal with it? in SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators; I have recently noticed that I tend to get envious about people that "just fit in". I myself have been ...
I have recently noticed that I tend to get envious about people that "just fit in". I myself have been on the move most of my life, and never really rooted anywhere. Being a picky introvert doesn't really help in getting in the packs in the new areas. I feel frustrated when people that can't possibly be better than me (in anything else than attention whoring) just walz in and are directly accepted as one of the crowd, while I myself still find people talking over my head pretty much all the time. I find I just crave some kind of acceptance from some place, and I don't really know what to do about it, but possibly being the top level expert in a field... Trouble being that I am not interested in any field enough to bother working that much.
So I am wondering how do the others deal with these situations.
1) Do you have a need to belong a group as a member with at at least as much say in anything than anyone else?
1a) If so, does having a family satisfy this need?
2) When you moved to a new city / started a new job / hobby, how did you make yourself one of the guys?
3) What do you do when you are in a boring crowd?
4) What do you do if you get (routinely) ignored - as in when people change subject among themselves when you start talking?
5) Do you feel this kind of situations happen to you at all?
6) How many times do you edit a post, on the average?
-------------
My answers 1) Yes.
1a) Not really. Having a family doesn't "count", maybe because family is a family nonetheless.. There's no or too little challenge.
2) Basically I did not ever really manage that, which clearly is the problem.
3) Withdraw into my own thoughts, read a book or something while they're being boring. When they start talking about interesting issues again, I come back.
4) Get frustrated. I can't really impose myself on others, it would be too pushy.. I just take this as a sign that I am not welcomed.
5) Yup.
6) 5-6.
1) Do you have a need to belong a group as a member with at at least as much say in anything than anyone else?
- It depends on the circumstances, if it's work then yes but it wouldn't be the need to 'connect' strongly, as long as there's some sort of conversation, otherwise my work is more of a priority for me. In a social situation and in a group with like-minded people with similar interests then yes I probably would feel the need to belong and connect with them. IF it was with people who are don't interest me (as in the things they talk about) then I wouldn't really care too much, I would get bored actually.
1a) If so, does having a family satisfy this need?
A little bit I guess, although there are some things I prefer talking to family about rather than friends and vice versa.
2) When you moved to a new city / started a new job / hobby, how did you make yourself one of the guys?
Don't know actually, I don't make a huge effort - maybe ask people to go for coffee, lunch, a drink after work?
3) What do you do when you are in a boring crowd?
I tell a white lie and leave.
4) What do you do if you get (routinely) ignored - as in when people change subject among themselves when you start talking?
Get annoyed with the people, think they're insensitive, inconsiderate and arrogant, probably feel a little hurt, and then probably think 'why am I bothering with these people?' tell a white lie/excuse, and leave.
5) Do you feel this kind of situations happen to you at all?
Maybe in the past, but not really now, I make a conscious decision whether going to such situations would appeal to me first and whether it's worth going - that's all down to experience.
6) How many times do you edit a post, on the average?
Only if I've made a typo.
1) Do you have a need to belong a group as a member with at at least as much say in anything than anyone else?
Yes. I get lonely often, even though I have many friends. Its never an even playing field for me either, I'm either the leader of the pack, or the runt.
1a) If so, does having a family satisfy this need?
don't know yet
2) When you moved to a new city / started a new job / hobby, how did you make yourself one of the guys?
I just say hi and introduce myself to people around me immediately when I move in. Its uncomfortable but its a huge step forward and people don't judge me to be the crazy guy next door who lives with himself and lots of guns. I usually silently observe the crowd I'm with until I understand them. Once I'm comfortable with them I'll usually just start making jokes, or talking about the hobby/job.
3) What do you do when you are in a boring crowd?
Shut up and pretend I'm somewhere else until its over, or leave. I have to deal with boring crowds all the time, so I guess I'm used to it.
4) What do you do if you get (routinely) ignored - as in when people change subject among themselves when you start talking?
This usually only happens when I'm telling a story; and my story telling skills are only good if its happened to me. If its a story someone else told, there are many ambiguities and I usually lose their interest and they just start talking to each other. If people acting this way, I usually know what caused it, and know what not to do. Sometimes when I'm tired, or un-engaged, my jokes tend to suck, and I'll realize this shortly into the conversation, and just stop trying.
5) Do you feel this kind of situations happen to you at all?
Yes. It bothers me when someone else is the center of attention (ex: my esfp friend). Sometimes I'll compete over them. until I have the crowd, and then I'll be satisfied and retreat to the shadows once more.
6) How many times do you edit a post, on the average?
1. I am extremely independent. I almost never belong to a group. Often I find myself in a group situation, but I don't actually feel like a part of any group. I feel like I am on my own and I like that. I like to only depend on me and not have to wait around. If I don't do what I want at the right moment, I won't want to do it anymore.
1a. I've never had very strong family bonds. At least nothing that is spoken about.
2. I barely made a single friend for about three years. I usually fall in with a lot of goonies. Derelicts and pissed off people. They usually make great, loyal friends. I end up with people who have great stories and like me for who I am and what I do. It's always either musicians who I play great music with constantly, but never have a real conversation with, or hilarious people, who do hilarious things and like my twisted sense of humor.
3. I get extremely distracted in a boring crowd. I usually get very angry about my time being wasted on such hell. I think about what I could be doing instead of being stuck with such dolts. Usually can't wait to escape. Especially if my humor is taken the wrong way. The more horrified they get, the more I do it. We end up hating each other and I avoid them like the plague, or eventually we become great friends. This happens to me constantly. I get stuck in these situations often. I have learned to see the situation before it happens and ditch or create some sort of amusing argument or disaster. Basically, what ever it takes to get some entertainment.
4. I would either shut up and sulk, force myself into the situation, run away, call them out on it, or do something awful all depending on my energy levels and events leading to it.
5. Recently I was at a get together and this exact situation happened. I ended up poking this guy, who is a foot taller (and I'm not short) than me and 100% more extroverted, in the chest with my index finger as hard as I could until he let me talk and get my point across. Must have been quite amusing to watch. All over a conversation about heavy equipment operator licensing, which I barely know anything about.
6. Never, I make sure it's the way I want it before I post. Then, I'd either post again or not be bothered.
P.S. Do any of you ever know you don't like people or a group of people on sight. It has been happening a lot lately. Maybe it is because I have thrust into so many "normal" social situations lately. But, I always spot these people and we seem to hate each other the second we lay eyes on each other. Usually they seem like SJ types who want to control everything and everyone. But one look at me says "Fuck you, Shit Head, I'll never give you the pleasure of a single word from my mouth, but I'd like to bash your lights out" and we just rub each other the wrong way.
...while I myself still find people talking over my head pretty much all the time. I find I just crave some kind of acceptance from some place, and I don't really know what to do about it, but possibly being the top level expert in a field... Trouble being that I am not interested in any field enough to bother working that much.
Same here, Seralya. I think the only solution is to not let it get to you. I realized at some point that this is just how I am, and I stopped thinking of it as a bad thing. Maybe acceptance is overrated?
1) Do you have a need to belong a group as a member with at least as much say in anything than anyone else? Not really. I don't see the point of being in a group just for the sake of being in a group. That would feel like play-acting to me. Also, there have been times in my life when I've been part of a group, and I don't miss it. It was fun while it lasted, but there are other things I value more.
1a) If so, does having a family satisfy this need? I have a mother and a sister. I'm grateful for their presence, because it's good to have someone to interact with. I often wonder how I would feel if I was 100% alone all the time. I don't think it would bother me too much, but it might not be good for my mental health.
2) When you moved to a new city / started a new job / hobby, how did you make yourself one of the guys? I've had a couple of jobs in the past, where I felt reasonably comfortable with my co-workers. It helped to have a bit of seniority. Also, most of the co-workers were men, and the environment allowed me to be somewhat tomboyish (hardware stores, building materials). It was kinda fun, I felt accepted to some extent even though I was never really "one of the guys". I was good at my job so they liked having me around, and they treated me well. And of course when people treat me well, I feel more comfortable being myself so it gets easier over time. The only drawback is that I can only do that for so long before I start feeling suffocated. I never stayed at the same job for more than a year or so.
3) What do you do when you are in a boring crowd? I'm normally quite charitable towards boring people. I sit through their boring anecdotes with good humor. But I make damn sure to avoid them in the future.
4) What do you do if you get (routinely) ignored - as in when people change subject among themselves when you start talking? That happens to me all the time. I take it as a sign that I don't belong. One of my golden rules that I live by, is to never stay where I'm not welcome. As soon as that unwelcome feeling starts to set in (and it usually doesn't take long), I'm history.
6) How many times do you edit a post, on the average? It depends how long it is. But I do edit a LOT. I also very often remove my posts altogether, when I get the feeling that no one is paying attention to me. It's not frustration or bitterness, it's just sensible I think.
P.S. Do any of you ever know you don't like people or a group of people on sight. It has been happening a lot lately. Maybe it is because I have thrust into so many "normal" social situations lately. But, I always spot these people and we seem to hate each other the second we lay eyes on each other. Usually they seem like SJ types who want to control everything and everyone. But one look at me says "Fuck you, Shit Head, I'll never give you the pleasure of a single word from my mouth, but I'd like to bash your lights out" and we just rub each other the wrong way.
Yeah I stay away from groups who are rowdy and pretentious, I don't 'type' them though.
I'm an SJ and I don't want to control everything and everyone - again, is this really to do with MBTI type? isn't that down to a character traits such as bossiness and demanding?
Do any of you ever know you don't like people or a group of people on sight. [...]But one look at me says "Fuck you, Shit Head, I'll never give you the pleasure of a single word from my mouth, but I'd like to bash your lights out" and we just rub each other the wrong way.
Yes, very much so. I'm very prone to being wrongly judged at a glance. I've had people take an instant dislike to me for absolutely no reason. And when I sense their wicked judging rays all over me, I get defensive. Then they get self-righteous, and I get angry.
Fortunately it's the exception and not the rule. But it's a fairly frequent exception, enough to make me wary of new acquaintances.
1) Yes
1a) No
2) Look your best, not to much though. Take it easy on the hard jokes - build it upp slowly. Show that you dont take shit from anyone - usually popular.
3) I sometimes just say that im bored and come with a suggestion or leave.
4) Maybe when i was younger, dont remember. Nowadays no one would dare.
5) Rare.
6) Once
Need to belong - how do you deal with it? 
Linear Mode
