I’m hoping some of you ISTP’s have insight into this situation. I’m an ENFP so this is gonna take a while to explain. ;)
Last semester, I started getting to know an ISTP (confirmed) guy with whom I have a lot of mutual friends—we teased each other a lot and made fun of each other in friendly banter until he asked for my number in a roundabout way—he forgot his leftover food in my apartment, came back, and “realized he didn’t have my number.” And then when I went to log his number in my phone, he started it with “9-1-1…” And then laughed when I initially fell for it.
The rest of our relationship kind of mirrors the beginning—lighthearted and random. We live near each other in our on-campus apartments, so when I got locked out of my apartment on Halloween, totally drunk, I went back to his… and, we hooked up. I was purely doing it for physical reasons, at the time I didn’t like him at all—I didn’t even cuddle with him afterwards, just kinda hopped in his absent roommate’s bed. Hey, college.
The next morning I was a little mortified, but I decided—what the hell. It was just a hookup, no commitment necessary. Resolved that I needed some good time to be single and work on myself anyway, I had no problem with this. So the next day I texted him and told him that we should keep last night to ourselves, to which he was “relieved I felt the same”… So I added “don’t worry, I don’t think we’re dating and I’d rather not have any drama,” to which he was silent for the rest of the day… interestingly enough, because he always replies to texts after a while.
We hooked up several times after that … most of the time he invited me over, then I initiated the kiss. We’ve never gone all the way. He told some people, inevitably, so most of our friend group found out. Last semester when my original formal date ditched me, I was desperate for a date and decided to take him… and that changed the dynamic, it seemed. He wanted to hang out with me and do more friend-oriented things, which involved us having fun with a lot of mutual interests like going to parties together, watching How I Met Your Mother, going to a concert, basketball games, etc. He called me on my birthday and I inevitably get a text from him every few days, although I’m left wondering where he went in between.
But recently my view on dating has changed. I’ve had my time developing as a single person and I’m ready for a relationship… But, I’ve started to really fall for this guy.
Last Friday night he asked what I was doing but I was busy, and the next night, after declining to attend a party with him on Saturday night (because of drama with another person), I didn’t hear from him save from a short Facebook chat (which I initiated) all week. Tonight he texted me to see if I was at our university’s basketball game, and we’ve been texting witty banter all night, but he’s made no move to come over and hang out. I’m beginning to wonder if I damaged his ego by declining him twice.
I want to just tell him, “I take back what I said about not dating. I can’t do friends with benefits—it’s too taxing. So if you want to keep hanging out like this, ask me on a real date… Or just give me some time to get over this, and we can just be friends, no benefits.”
But I know ISTP’s hate relationship talk. I just really like him, and sometimes I think he does too, like when he gives me that “look” and holds my hand—when he rests his head on top of mine when I let my head fall to his shoulder, when he hugs me from behind (boyfriend hug?!) and when (rarely) he shows up at my door unannounced or asks to borrow things he could have gotten from someone else, just to come over (or at least that’s how it seems).
We had a cute moment last Wednesday when we spent almost all day (no class) cuddling and making pancakes and sharing music because it was raining outside. He had me listen to a few songs that seemed romantic, but I have no idea if he meant them for me (Falling by Iration…). When we were kissing on my bed later I laughed and he said, “What?” so I told him, “I just have so much fun kissing you.” He smiled and answered, “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Did I blow it in the very beginning by hooking up with him drunk and telling him I didn’t want to date? I know he’s not going to read my mind. And I can’t wait forever. I was a little hurt/jealous when I saw a comment from his female best friend that she wanted to be “valentines again” this year and they are going to get kebabs together. Wah-wah.
Sorry for this rant, I just REALLY need some advice from some ISTP’s on how to handle this. Should I move on now before I get hurt (and just be his friend?) OR should I talk to him? Or does it sound like sooner or later, he’ll make a move?
I’m sorry that was SO LONG-WINDED. I’m surprised if any ISTP actually read all that. Don’t feel like the replies need to be long as well…. I’ll take any advice I can get.