[SassyPJs24]

I’m hoping some of you ISTP’s have insight into this situation. I’m an ENFP so this is gonna take a while to explain. ;)

Last semester, I started getting to know an ISTP (confirmed) guy with whom I have a lot of mutual friends—we teased each other a lot and made fun of each other in friendly banter until he asked for my number in a roundabout way—he forgot his leftover food in my apartment, came back, and “realized he didn’t have my number.” And then when I went to log his number in my phone, he started it with “9-1-1…” And then laughed when I initially fell for it.

The rest of our relationship kind of mirrors the beginning—lighthearted and random. We live near each other in our on-campus apartments, so when I got locked out of my apartment on Halloween, totally drunk, I went back to his… and, we hooked up. I was purely doing it for physical reasons, at the time I didn’t like him at all—I didn’t even cuddle with him afterwards, just kinda hopped in his absent roommate’s bed. Hey, college.

The next morning I was a little mortified, but I decided—what the hell. It was just a hookup, no commitment necessary. Resolved that I needed some good time to be single and work on myself anyway, I had no problem with this. So the next day I texted him and told him that we should keep last night to ourselves, to which he was “relieved I felt the same”… So I added “don’t worry, I don’t think we’re dating and I’d rather not have any drama,” to which he was silent for the rest of the day… interestingly enough, because he always replies to texts after a while.

We hooked up several times after that … most of the time he invited me over, then I initiated the kiss. We’ve never gone all the way. He told some people, inevitably, so most of our friend group found out. Last semester when my original formal date ditched me, I was desperate for a date and decided to take him… and that changed the dynamic, it seemed. He wanted to hang out with me and do more friend-oriented things, which involved us having fun with a lot of mutual interests like going to parties together, watching How I Met Your Mother, going to a concert, basketball games, etc. He called me on my birthday and I inevitably get a text from him every few days, although I’m left wondering where he went in between.

But recently my view on dating has changed. I’ve had my time developing as a single person and I’m ready for a relationship… But, I’ve started to really fall for this guy.

Last Friday night he asked what I was doing but I was busy, and the next night, after declining to attend a party with him on Saturday night (because of drama with another person), I didn’t hear from him save from a short Facebook chat (which I initiated) all week. Tonight he texted me to see if I was at our university’s basketball game, and we’ve been texting witty banter all night, but he’s made no move to come over and hang out. I’m beginning to wonder if I damaged his ego by declining him twice.

I want to just tell him, “I take back what I said about not dating. I can’t do friends with benefits—it’s too taxing. So if you want to keep hanging out like this, ask me on a real date… Or just give me some time to get over this, and we can just be friends, no benefits.”

But I know ISTP’s hate relationship talk. I just really like him, and sometimes I think he does too, like when he gives me that “look” and holds my hand—when he rests his head on top of mine when I let my head fall to his shoulder, when he hugs me from behind (boyfriend hug?!) and when (rarely) he shows up at my door unannounced or asks to borrow things he could have gotten from someone else, just to come over (or at least that’s how it seems).

We had a cute moment last Wednesday when we spent almost all day (no class) cuddling and making pancakes and sharing music because it was raining outside. He had me listen to a few songs that seemed romantic, but I have no idea if he meant them for me (Falling by Iration…). When we were kissing on my bed later I laughed and he said, “What?” so I told him, “I just have so much fun kissing you.” He smiled and answered, “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Did I blow it in the very beginning by hooking up with him drunk and telling him I didn’t want to date? I know he’s not going to read my mind. And I can’t wait forever. I was a little hurt/jealous when I saw a comment from his female best friend that she wanted to be “valentines again” this year and they are going to get kebabs together. Wah-wah.



Sorry for this rant, I just REALLY need some advice from some ISTP’s on how to handle this. Should I move on now before I get hurt (and just be his friend?) OR should I talk to him? Or does it sound like sooner or later, he’ll make a move?







I’m sorry that was SO LONG-WINDED. I’m surprised if any ISTP actually read all that. Don’t feel like the replies need to be long as well…. I’ll take any advice I can get.

[ThunderBear]

Hello!

I'm an ISTP and I actually did read all that.

First of all, I don't think you blew it. To me it seems your ISTP guy is still pretty interested in you. As YOU said the thing about not dating, I guess the best thing'd be if you'd let him know that you changed your mind. As you already pointed out correctly, he can't read your mind.

I am an ISTP and I like it best when people just tell me what's up. No hidden messages, just the blunt truth. And I also think you shouldn't wait much, otherwise it might be too late. So just tell him! Or write him, if you don't feel like telling him face to face.

There's of course the risk he'll not have the same feelings, but there's also the chance that he does. It sounds to me that your chances are pretty good though. So, just do it!

Good luck!

[VroomVroom]

You didn't blow it. In fact, I think the beginning probably helped! We love no strings - initially then like to let things develop naturally from there. No pressure.

I agree with ThunderBear. When the moment is right tell him how you feel. Right now, he's still going on the same info that you told him so he's not going to act opposite of what your wishes are. (he respects you).

It sounds like he likes you a lot and you've got nothing to lose.

[The Red Ranger]

Check this thread out, Sassy:

How to Win an ENFp

I learned a lot while reading your post, so I'm guessing the biggest help I can do you is to show you this. My thread is identical to yours, but it's from "his" perspective.

From the description of your specific ISTP, he may just be wild for you. He and I are not the same person, but if we're similar, then he's definitely interested. But believe me, he NEEDS feedback. Lead him on, flirt with him and only him, show him that you would be his if he would pursue you.

You and I are on two different sides of the same situation. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I'd love to talk to you about this. We could help each other out a lot. I'll also be watching this thread to learn more about what it's like on "the other side"

[ThunderBear]

I don't think that "just" flirting would be enough. I think most ISTPs take the things people say very seriously and without interpreting or reading much between the lines. And because you said what you said about not dating, I think you might have to make it really clear. Otherwise he might get confused or maybe just misinterpret the flirting as something else (think it's for fun or whatever).

It's of course also possible that he gets it, but I wouldn't count on it.

Just my opinion ... everybody is different.

[The Red Ranger]

I don't think that "just" flirting would be enough. I think most ISTPs take the things people say very seriously and without interpreting or reading much between the lines.

Flirting alone is not enough, but it can be the "clue" that the ISTP needs to motivate him to initiate something.

Just my opinion ... everybody is different.

So, so true.

[MissFixit]

I was laughing because that's JUST how we like a relationship -- no strings at first. LMAO
He sounds to me like he just needs to know you changed your mind. I agree with these guys, your chances are good he's interested and won't run for the hills.

[DJArendee]

I would LOVE to have a girl be direct and upfront with me if I liked her. If I didn't like her I'd probably make it apparent and need some time to think about it.

As far as "hoping it didn't turn into a relationship", I know I will wake up and on random days feel anxious or not up to the task of a relationship. Its a sort of apprehension like there's someone out there waiting on me. That's what I don't like about relationships. If he is ISTP he probably felt the same after your first night.

Just don't push it on him. If you can understand what makes him uncomfortable, you can help avoid that problem altogether.

[SassyPJs24]

I am an ISTP and I like it best when people just tell me what's up. No hidden messages, just the blunt truth. And I also think you shouldn't wait much, otherwise it might be too late. So just tell him! Or write him, if you don't feel like telling him face to face.

I reallyyy appreciate your input, ThunderBear! It’s really good to know that you don’t think I blew it. As far as it getting too late… I hope that’s not the case, because I am finding it extremely difficult to find the words to talk to him about it. So difficult that I am almost giving up altogether and being okay with remaining in this limbo forever. I can’t stand the thought of rejection. “Pretty good” chances just aren’t enough :(

You didn't blow it. In fact, I think the beginning probably helped! We love no strings - initially then like to let things develop naturally from there. No pressure.

Wow, that’s a perspective I never thought of—that the beginning helped! The way ISTP’s think is so foreign to me. Haha.

It sounds like he likes you a lot and you've got nothing to lose.

The problem is that I think I have everything to lose… I am so afraid of putting myself out there and getting hurt..It’s like I have to be sure… I am hoping you guys can help me be more sure.

You and I are on two different sides of the same situation. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I'd love to talk to you about this. We could help each other out a lot. I'll also be watching this thread to learn more about what it's like on "the other side" [IMG]file:///Users/SexyWhiteMachine/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

Dang I’m so glad there is someone else going through the same thing! Haha. I read somewhere that ISTP/ENFP relationships are so hard because the ISTP pushes people away and the ENFP runs away. I’m finding my relationship with him so satisfying, effortless and fun when we’re together… but I’m stressing about it so much when we’re not. I want to feel pursued; I want to know that he is into me. I wish he’d make that more clear. I’d love to talk more about how we deal with this; I’m finding your thread really helpful as well!

because you said what you said about not dating, I think you might have to make it really clear. Otherwise he might get confused or maybe just misinterpret the flirting as something else (think it's for fun or whatever).

I think you are pretty correct that he might misinterpret the feelings. I wish I was able to really express what I’m thinking and not make him second-guess things, but I’m finding it really hard to put myself out there. I just keep hoping that he will man up and pursue me, but…. I guess ISTP’s do take things we say seriously, and so far I haven’t been clear in how I want this to go.

He sounds to me like he just needs to know you changed your mind. I agree with these guys, your chances are good he's interested and won't run for the hills.

That’s a relief to know, thank you so much!!

Just don't push it on him. If you can understand what makes him uncomfortable, you can help avoid that problem altogether.

I’m finding it really hard to “not push it on him” and “talk to him” about it at the same time.

I can’t read this guy. It’s like I just “GET” him on a very fundamental level—we have such amazing conversations and I feel so comfortable around him—but when it comes to his behavior, I’m left mystified and wanting more.

Here’s an example:

I spent hours upon hours with him last night, because we saw each other at our uni’s basketball game, then I asked what he was up to later. He wasn’t sure yet, so later I texted him, “You ready?” He goes, “For what?” So I said, “The epicness that is [my name].” So then he said, “going to [a restaurant], wanna come?” It was as if he knew I wanted to hang out, but wasn’t sure that I did, so he made plans and didn’t tell me. But I ended up going, and just he and I were in his truck for a couple hours together (restaurant was pretty far away), talking about life and joking around. I had many, many opportunities to initiate “the talk” but I didn’t.

Then on the way back, I asked, "Wanna go to the pier?" So we randomly made a detour and ended up walking on a dark beach at night at 2 a.m. just for fun, looking for adventure. He put his arm around me and we held hands. When we got home, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to part ways yet, but as soon as I made a move to go into my apartment without him and he hesitated, I go, “Are we going to your place?” and he nods and says “Yeah!” Like that was the plan all along. But we ended up just sitting around, not even kissing because his roommate was there… and when I left, I just kissed his cheek. Yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, just gave him a hug when I saw him briefly at another university event.

At this point, I’m so afraid of “talking about it” for fear that all he wants is friends with benefits, that I’m not going to make a move at all… I just want HIM to do it. I don't want to be calling all the shots, but it feels like that's what I'm doing, even though he initiates and is obviously into me.

I’m hoping that hearing from other ISTP’s will help me crack the mystery that is this guy…. And so far you are really helping, so thank you so much!!

[DJArendee]

hmm. Honestly I'd have a stroke if I had to deal with ME, so I'll help you the best I can.

If he is an ISTP as you claim, then I would say he already thinks the two of you are together. Think of his actions. Is he taking you places, going for walks, etc. "Love is action" as I read somewhere (I didn't know what it meant for a while but now I do).

The biggest problem ENFP's have with ISTP's (or so I hear according to this forum, and various other google searches) is that the ENFP has no idea if the ISTP likes the ENFP because ISTP's are not very vocal about feelings and affection (pay attention to what they initiate, or what physical things they do with you). ISTP's have trouble with the ENFP because the ENFP wants to smother the ISTP with affection and devour their leisure time.

Keep this in mind when you're with him. I have no experience with the "friends with benefits" ordeal, as I tend to make girls turn into lesbians when I reject them (true story), so I generally avoid leading girls on; but I would say just relax. Chill out. The more chill you are the more he'll like you more. Try talking to him physically; next time you're in the car or sitting with each other, rub his back without his permission... snuggle up with him sporadically. See how he reacts, he might warm closer to you.

ENFP's (from what I gather) are good for ISTP's because they can sense the feelings of someone as reserved as an ISTP. See how he reacts. If I ever smothered a girl with physical attention, that would mean I was that close to her. My hugs and snuggles would translate as "I'm lucky to have you".

Once again I hope you're positive he's ISTP. Poor guy probably wants to initiate "the talk" with you as much as you do to him but thinks you're just super flirty and isn't sure you'll feel the same way. Shit, last girl I was with I thought I was in the green but she ditched me because she was actually flirting with like 12 other guys. Just blurt something out without thinking; enfp's are good at that, you can do it. Just be like "I like you" or something. SAY SOMETHING!@@)#

Once you do that, give him time to think about it. Leave him alone for a few days, maybe a week at most before you initiate anything more (unless he initiates with you sometime before then). I hope this is good advice; I hate giving bad advice. Good luck.