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This is a discussion on A dating question from a fellow ENFP within the ISTP Forum - The Mechanics forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Originally Posted by Life.Is.A.Game wait so how do you know she's ISTP? We talked about personalities on one of our ...
Well, my thoughts are don't read into the not getting texts back to seriously. I personalty i'm sometimes horrible at replying..and then i get angry texts! She diffidently sounds interested otherwise should would not have bothered spending all that time with you. It's hard for us to open up, but she will probably do so more as time goes on.
I am in love with an ISTP and this has been developing over a year. It is good to get advice here on this forum - what people said here about how they are as well as what I read about ISTP was like a constant guidebook when my emotions were crushing and I craved a return of them - it helped me be very patient and wait for the proclamations of love and initation of affectionate touch. And I intiated plenty of this. Which he liked. You and I are E's, after all, so it is more natuaral for us to initiate that (though for me, back in pre-marriage dating dates, I waited for the guy to make the moves. I considered my role to be strictly as a responder. So this was completely different!).
Waiting is so worth it! When she seems to be pulling back I would just let her, and sit back and wait. You may have opened up a lot of emotions she wants to process on her own a bit. She can get that over with sooner if you aren't bugging her. :) She may need time to be sure you are safe to give her heart to/ Again, that time will go quicker if you just give it to her as she seems to need it.
Yes, you are very different in type but that makes it intersting, doesn't it? I will never get tired of seeing how my ISTP responds to things; its constantly of interest to me.
If your Briggs-Meyers types are also your Socionics types, then you are "Duals", and if you know about that then you know it is TOTALLY WORTH getting through the expected start-up difficulties of any Dual relationship. The best is worth working for! So be your extrovert self and share openly and give her time to feel safe and ready to jump in with both feet. She will. My ISTP now is very open about his love. But it did take some time. He gave just enough hints to keep me going. Never effusive, but always just enough to keep me from giving up in discouragement.
Now we are actively planning our life together. Sooner than later! So much to do! But we are so sure of each other.
And as @DustyDrill said, my ISTP is not so naturally great with the phone. It took us forever to get going on the phone. I kept waiting for him to be ready. When he finally was ready, it was very stilted on his part. I made a point to always answer the phone very positively, and enjoy whatever little he could offer on the phone, and be cheerful about what seemed to me to be "premature" hangups. Now we can talk for quite awhile on the phone, but it took some time to get there. Still, I wait for him to call me usually (there are exceptions) and he calls at approximately the same time every night, so that works for him and me too. Sometimes I say, "Please don't hang up!" when he is ready to go, but I try not to pester him with that too much...
But one thing that I'm concerned about is that you are saying that you are doing all "sacrificing" in your relationship. You are waiting for him to be ready. Maybe I have misunderstood the situation, but it feels like it is you that has to adapt all the way through. It this really healthy is a relationship, should not both part agree to give in 50% each? Understand each other?
But you know others, and yourself sometimes, who fall for something, a friend or fad, fast, and then change your mind about it as fast as you fell for it. It makes sense that ISTP would want to be sure you were in it for the long haul before she returned your level of intensity. When she gives her heart, I really believe, it will be a sure thing, she will truly give it faithfully, so its worth waiting for her to give it in her time.
And its very good discipline for you to wait out your insecurity. I did that almost all the time. I am talking about the beginning! Its totally different now! But in the beginning in spite of the fact that I practiced patience I did sometimes really need reassurance anyway, and I would ask for it, maybe not as profusely as I might be feeling, but plain and clear, and he always immediately reassured me and it was SO PRECIOUS to me. You do want her to be herself, right? Then everything she says is so genuine, and you can count on it.
Its fun later, when she is ready to open up more, to find out what she was thinking back when she wasn't saying much. My ISTP was in a storm in November, no power, and I assumed his not answering my emails meant he was not interested in me, and that he was sick of my love-sickness. When enough time went by with no answers to my now increasingly desperate pleas to "say something!", I assumed the "obvious" - he just wasn't into me. I wrote a pitiful email I never meant to send, telling him of my love and my hopes and dreams for us. Then for some reason I sent it. I suppose it was kind of a "so there!", because it looked so lovely to me after I wrote it! And then, ohmigosh, was I humiliated when he wrote me of the blackout, hoped I was okay, telling me he was now going to read my emails (this was pre-phonecall days.... we talk all the time now on phone; its another thing I waited for to start)... Anyway the emails exchange after that was much more passionate, and its memorable the things we said to each other in the aftermath of that. But what was more interesting was months later, recalling it, I learned he felt truly heartsick that I ever thought he was disinterested, and felt horrible about making me feel that way, even, surprisingly, teared up when he told me, and passionately said that he woudl never want to hurt me. It was very touching to hear that later. I never would have known the depth of his passion at the time. I am so glad I did not pry it out of him.
So think of your dear ISTP lady as a lovely flower bud you are going to let open in her own time. You will just ruin her if you pry her open in impatience.
In fact I got so used to him holding back in the beginning, that when he got his comfort and did not hold back it quite took me by surprise! I am thinking of particularly when I saw him the third time - we are long distance, so, visits with much emailing and phoning between -- the first was brief, the second a longer stay to see if this was real - by the third time he was quite confident, and totally swept me off my feet with his passion! Really, he would do anything for me now. Good thing I really, really do not want to take advantage of him. I am always asking "Are you sure??" about sacrifices he wants to make. Its complex to explain, but I just want to say that the time of me being passionate and him reserved is OVER. In fact it can be a real problem, as we, in our minds anyway, want to stay chaste. We make use of the confessional and I complain that he HAS to help with the brakes, it can't all be all me!
So I want to assure you that the patient waiting for her to be all-in is only in the beginning!
And some don't like to discuss Socionics here, because Briggs-Meyers does NOT consistently turn over to the same types in Socionics, but seriously, if you do not know about Duality, you should read about it! My intuition is good, not perfect, but its telling me you may well be Duals. There is an article on what happens when Duals meet somewhere, and its fascinating. It explained so much for me (I discovered it in late November or early December, and it explained SO MUCH!).
P.S. I should add not all Duals make a perfect pair. You need values and life goals in common or you are pretty much sunk. As well as physical attraction, of course.
P.P.S. found that "when Duals Meet" article. This explained everything to me when I read it. I was really beginning to think I was crazy, and this article assured me I wasn't... http://www.*********.com/experiencin...relations.html The numbered list at the bottom of the page is the part that helped me so much in the beginning. Now that we are both comfortable with our love, this other quote from the article applies so much to us! And I crave it when I am gone from him (Its like, basically, everything he says is interesting to me!):
....."When one dual reveals something new, the others spontaneously responded to this as normal behavior.
.....Duals speak about everything. Dropping all of your barriers does not trouble your dual; you can bare your true soul. You seem completely normal to your dual. The senses of shame and awkwardness completely disappear."
P.P.S. jefede, you will see that my ENFP post is quite a bit longer than your average ISTP post.... (but those ISTP posts will likely tell you exactly what you need to know). I just want to add, that I read this from the link I gave above:
5. Both duals feel something like an internal joy, that fills up the soul. The smile on your face appears like a quiet happy smile of conciliation and rest.
The joy as behavior reaction is one of most accurate characteristic of dual dyad. This joy can appear without any certain reason. (Duals can laugh even without any certain reason just looking to each other. This joy arises like from sub consciousness
This has truly become the case for us. We feel such joy in each others presence. And I love all the spontaneous laughing we do! We laugh at senseless things, but really, really laugh with a togetherness kind of pleasure. I have never had this. My son and I have our own brand of laughing, particularly because I know his humor, but with ISTP and I, its hard to say. He refers to a preponderance of crap jokes, which have never made me laugh before, but him finding anything funny makes me laugh delightedly with him... We are facing the work of building some financial stability together, as neither one of us is strong in that area right now (though we both have been in the past), but our time together, we know, is priceless.
Last edited by Eliza. Peace to you.; 09-10-2012 at 09:26 AM.
And yes, the attraction is definitely there, from my end anyway (she is very pretty, which I told her).
You seem to have found something special, and I'm really happy for you! I'm searching for something similar (like all ENFP's I guess?!), and if this girl is even close to what you have described, I really wan't to stay put and see where this is going. Maybe it is time that is the key here, maybe I just should give her space, let her contact me, in her own phase. It is hard for me just to sit still and wait for something to happen. I'll guess I'm scared that this will fade out if I'm not active in the process (it's in my nature, and I'm sure other ENFPs would agree, follow the path...). My own advice to my self would probably be to ignore my inferior Si, and just let things play out it's time, even if it is hard (we are not talking about a long-distance relationship here, we are living in the same city, 15minutes of walk between each other). I guess that if it's meant, it will happen!! :-)
Last edited by drabtwo; 09-10-2012 at 03:27 PM.
Didn't realise "poor phone habits" was an ISTP thing. Now I think about it, it makes total sense.