[sparkles]

This mixed message stuff sounds very similar to what I do sometimes. It's not that I don't want to hang out with the person, it's just stressful when I don't get time to recharge. When I start getting stressed, it's really hard to to do anything social. When I get too stressed, I'll disappear for anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days. To prevent that, when I start feeling frazzled I excuse myself to go to the bathroom for about 5 minutes. I'm not exactly sure what would work best for him though and/or what you could do.

Thanks for that. So sometimes you will start to act a little less positive and a bit more neutral or even slight negative body language? And it doesn't reflect on whether you like that person?

My sense is that it is largely a recharging thing - and I find myself wondering how introverts and extroverts live together! I mean, I know introverts don't do parties or groups that well, but I'm a bit surprised at the need to recharge after one-on-one time.

Does the need to recharge from one-on-one time get better as you know that person more and more?

[rawr_sheila]

What you're describing sounds just like me! For one example, a friend texts me if we should hang out. I agree, but when that time comes, I pull away as if I need space. I don't feel like hanging out anymore, or I cancel the plans at last minute. I don't know why I do this! Maybe it's that we're not in tune with how we're feeling??

[Holgrave]

Thanks for that. So sometimes you will start to act a little less positive and a bit more neutral or even slight negative body language? And it doesn't reflect on whether you like that person?

My sense is that it is largely a recharging thing - and I find myself wondering how introverts and extroverts live together! I mean, I know introverts don't do parties or groups that well, but I'm a bit surprised at the need to recharge after one-on-one time.

Does the need to recharge from one-on-one time get better as you know that person more and more?

Yes. If I didn't like the person then I wouldn't be making the effort to be around them, especially hanging out one-on-one.

It does get better. I still have to do it from time to time with my family, but those are rare now. The more time you guys spend together, the more natural it'll feel and therefore it takes less time to recharge and more time to wear out.

[sparkles]

What you're describing sounds just like me! For one example, a friend texts me if we should hang out. I agree, but when that time comes, I pull away as if I need space. I don't feel like hanging out anymore, or I cancel the plans at last minute. I don't know why I do this! Maybe it's that we're not in tune with how we're feeling??

Hmm. Well it helps to hear this isn't an unusual pattern :)

Any chance this relates to that whole duty thing? Like I was wondering if it was partly something like - friend invites you to do something. You think "hey, of course, friends do things together, so why wouldn't I agree to that. It is my role in the relationship." But then when that time approaches you feel obligated, instead of feeling like it is a free choice, so maybe there is a dash of resentment there that leads to pulling away. How accurate do you think this is?

[sparkles]

Yes. If I didn't like the person then I wouldn't be making the effort to be around them, especially hanging out one-on-one.

It does get better. I still have to do it from time to time with my family, but those are rare now. The more time you guys spend together, the more natural it'll feel and therefore it takes less time to recharge and more time to wear out.

Whew - it gets better - good to know!

So if I can ask another question, kind of off topic - how can I be sure this ISTJ says yes and means it? I have this nagging fear that he agrees to spend time because he wants to make me happy, even if it isn't what he wants. How realistic is that fear, and what can I do to encourage him to set boundaries with me? Let's say he's said no to other stuff before and I've been cool about it - does that mean he is more likely to set boundaries if he feels the need?

[rawr_sheila]

Hmm. Well it helps to hear this isn't an unusual pattern :)

Any chance this relates to that whole duty thing? Like I was wondering if it was partly something like - friend invites you to do something. You think "hey, of course, friends do things together, so why wouldn't I agree to that. It is my role in the relationship." But then when that time approaches you feel obligated, instead of feeling like it is a free choice, so maybe there is a dash of resentment there that leads to pulling away. How accurate do you think this is?

That may be part of the reason. But I think it has to do more of not being in tune with how we're feeling. If I knew I didn't want to hang out, I would just tell them straight up. I guess I don't know until the time comes

[sparkles]

That may be part of the reason. But I think it has to do more of not being in tune with how we're feeling. If I knew I didn't want to hang out, I would just tell them straight up. I guess I don't know until the time comes

Ah ok. So not in tune with your feelings - is that true overall? Does that mean you don't fall in love?

[Sela]

Ah ok. So not in tune with your feelings - is that true overall? Does that mean you don't fall in love?

Not in tune with my feelings = accurate.
Don't fall in love? Bullshit. We are human.

[sparkles]

Not in tune with my feelings = accurate.
Don't fall in love? Bullshit. We are human.

If you aren't in tune with your feelings, how do you know when you've fallen in love?

[ginganinja]

He probably feels like you're being really clingy and needy.

If he didn't want you there he wouldn't have you there.

If he didn't want to be with you he wouldn't be with you.

Leave it alone.