[selfinsufficient]

am i making this too big of a deal? should i just forget about it? i have trusted my istj boyfriend from the start, and he never made me feel that i shouldn't. he is very loyal and faithful and committed to our relationship and absolutely in love with me that i would never question it. and when i say that i mean it- i completely believe his love for me. he puts me on a pedastal, adores me, would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy or to risk losing me. everyone who knows him has never seen him in love like this, they are always telling me how much they can tell he is head over heels in love with me and i agree- he makes me feel that way.

everything would be fine except that 2 months ago i saw something that hurt me and have been keeping it in. i am not sure if i should let it bother me the way it does or if i should let it go. i have not been able to let it go yet.

my istj trusts me and he has told me all the passwords to his accounts etc. I don't ever use them, i believe in trust and i don't care to be a snoop. one day though i needed to use his ipad and i logged in by using the password he had given me. his facebook page had been left open on the screen. he rarely uses his facebook, never goes on there. i could have just exited but just out of habit i clicked on the message icon. not expecting to find anything it was more just a reflex. i guess if i had done this a few days before i would have found nothing and never would have checked again. but coincidentally there was a message he had just sent a few days prior. one night he had gotten extremely drunk. i was at home that night, it was a weekday night and he had had a lot of work, and went for drink afterwards with friends. got absolutely obliterated drunk. sent me some crude sexual texts. i knew he was drunk b/c they were very crude and he deosn't talk like that unless he is that drunk. apparently that same night he had sent a facebook message to a mutual friend of ours. it was a message telling her that she is hot.



when i saw it i felt so hurt and betrayed. i called her and she said she had not responded (she hadn't) and that she had seen him that night and knew he was "wasted" and had not taken it seriously and felt it was best not to say anything as it was a one time thing under that kind of circumstance. she told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing. i trust her she is a good friend. but i am disturbed that he did that. i decided not to say anything about it and let it go but it is still there, in the back of my mind and i have to admit that i trust him less now. and i contemplate checking his accounts again.

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

[selfinsufficient]

why would a guy who is happy with his girlfriend do that? was it just innocent?

[Lola Lolek]

what's wrong with admitting you snooped? I think all parties involved understand it was message sent under sub-optimal communication conditions. It'll make you feel better to bring it up now, then let it go for what it's worth. People make mistakes. Admit them, forgive and forget, then move on (wish I would listen to my own advice. hmmm).

[PeaceOfMind]

If I was in your position, I would come clean and tell him right away that I read the message on his facebook and was bothered by what I saw. Because if I keep it to myself, I'm just going to keep on torturing myself with these thoughts/trust issues, etc, without even giving him a chance to work with me to resolve it. He can't do that if he doesn't know. Sure, he may be upset that you took a look at his messages, but he told you all his passwords for all his accounts so he must be prepared for the possibility that you'll accidentally take a look at his messages. I'm not saying what you did was right, but it's not like you hacked into his accounts. If he wants to he can simply change his passwords.

Hope this helps.

[DaisyChain]

It's the alcohol - not the personality.

Sounds to me like it was a one-time thing, unless he has a habit of (1) drinking too much, or (2) doing really stupid things when around his guy friends. Either way, I read this as an act of immaturity and nothing more.

If I were you, I would tell him that "I know you got so drunk back in (month) that you texted (name of friend) and told her she was hot. I understand that you were drunk at the time, and that you love me and regret this incident."

I bet he'll make some private resolutions after you say that.

I'm actually surprised, and tending to think that he's young (college age?) I would think that ISTJs don't get "smashed" much, precisely because we're afraid of losing that beautiful self-control appearance we show to the world.

[Agent Blackout]

If I was in your position, I would come clean and tell him right away that I read the message on his facebook and was bothered by what I saw. Because if I keep it to myself, I'm just going to keep on torturing myself with these thoughts/trust issues, etc, without even giving him a chance to work with me to resolve it. He can't do that if he doesn't know. Sure, he may be upset that you took a look at his messages, but he told you all his passwords for all his accounts so he must be prepared for the possibility that you'll accidentally take a look at his messages. I'm not saying what you did was right, but it's not like you hacked into his accounts. If he wants to he can simply change his passwords.

Hope this helps.

PeaceOfMind:
You stole most of the words out of my mouth. Hands. Fingers. Whatever, lol.
Bolded is absolutely true.

selfinsufficient:
First - You didn't do anything wrong by "snooping" (idk if I would even call it that) ... and what PeaceofMind said.
Second - He was drunk when he sent the message to the girl. We don't know if he meant anything by what he sent her. And then he apologized to the girl, so this kinda makes me doubt that he had any aim in mind. But you won't know anything for sure unless you talk to him directly and resolve the issue.

Hope this helps...

[DaisyChain]

Maybe those guy friends dared him. Drunk young men together - well, at some point the conversation will get to "who would you so lay if you could?"

Unpleasant, immature - sure. But I believe that he has no intention of cheating on you. Chalk it up to drunken stupidity, and move on. Unless the voluntary abdication of common sense ( = getting smashed) is a regular thing.

[selfinsufficient]

@DaisyChain he has serious anxiety issues he has been dealing with since childhood and drinks to calm his nerves. mostly he just has a drink or two, but sometimes he has gotten very very drunk b/c he has a friend who goads him to drink more (we are worried about the friend b/c he seems to be an alcoholic), and whenever he goes out with that friend i know he is going to be coming back wasted. i agree with you guys that drinking changes things. i trust him completely when he is sober. i think the real issue here is that i don't trust him when he is drunk. and he has gotten drunk in the past enough times to make me think that it will happen again and i worry about it. he is 30.

[pinkrasputin]

Omg. I am only more me when I drink. Your motivations come out with less barriers. It doesn't matter if you are so embarrassed the next day, you apologize for it getting revealed.

1. I bet the guy does think this girl is hot, even when he is not drinking
2. He does stupid things when he is drunk. How can he claim he didn't mean it? He must not understand himself very well. He meant it, but he shield was gone.
3. Maybe this is all okay with you. It's up to you decide.


I think @DaisyChain has the best advice on what to say if you do approach him.

You can also decide not to decide anything and give him another chance, but if you spot anything like this again-that is your ticket to leave.

[DaisyChain]

Have you suggested counseling, to explore alternate ways to calm his nerves?

Or saying - "James has a drinking problem. I worry about you when you're with him. He does not bring out the best in you. I don't like the person you become when you choose to get drunk. Can we sit together and brainstorm other ways you could calm your nerves?"

I feel for you. Good luck!