[pinkrasputin]

i don't know, i've been thinking and i don't believe i will say anything. that comment by niss that i think sela emphasized, about where was his apology to me, made me think back to when it happened (it was late feb) and the week and a half after one night (i remember b/c we had been to a concert) when we had come home (his place) we were on the couch kissing and he looked at me very seriously and said "you know how beautiful you are right?" i was feeling insecure and quiet and shook my head no. he looked at me like he couldn't believe it and said "you don't know that? you know that i am lucky to be with you right?" i was quiet. he continued "that's why i do everything i do, i feel so lucky to have you. i want to see you every day. i wake up every morning and tell you i love you before you leave b/c i hope you know that and i like that the last thing you say to me before you go is 'i love you too.' hearing it back from you starts my day off right."
when i think about that exchange that occured so recently after he did what he did, i feel like perhaps that was his way of apologizing without saying what he did. maybe that was his way of making sure i knew how he felt.

Do you know what confirmation bias is? Please look that up.



Also, I think you need to work on your self esteem. You should know how beautiful you are inside and out before dating someone. Sounds like he feels partly responsible for your esteem and you rely upon him for it. This is why you are refusing to see him clearly.

Your relationship sounds very co-dependent.

[selfinsufficient]

sigh. i know confirmation bias. yes. . .. co-dependent relationship yes i am pretty sure we have it. ... i give up.

[selfinsufficient]

^^^ thank you everyone for your advice, truly. i am going to stop polluting this message board with this thread. he and i both have issues and we should probably see a counselor together. which may never happen b/c he doesn't like to admit he might need help and i avoid voicing things so will see how much longer this goes on.... i truly do appreciate your taking the time to help me. it is nice to have found a community of people like this. thank you.

[selfinsufficient]

@pinkrasputin i guess co-dependency sounds right. we are both hyper-vigilant about what the other is feeling as a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we are dependent on the relationship and the other's actions. we both come from abusive households where our childhoods were spend trying to anticipate the next attack... we need to feel safe and we seek that out from each other. we avoid anything that might cause us to upset the other. we rely on each other to meet each other's needs. we both have low self-esteem. if we lost each other we would both feel a loss of control in our worlds and we are both desperately afraid of this.
i read online: "Codependency is based on a toxic mix of conditional love and unconditional commitment."

yes, very true.
@pinkrasputin and those who mentioned it before, thank you.

[pinkrasputin]

@pinkrasputin i guess co-dependency sounds right. we are both hyper-vigilant about what the other is feeling as a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we are dependent on the relationship and the other's actions. we both come from abusive households where our childhoods were spend trying to anticipate the next attack... we need to feel safe and we seek that out from each other. we avoid anything that might cause us to upset the other. we rely on each other to meet each other's needs. we both have low self-esteem. if we lost each other we would both feel a loss of control in our worlds and we are both desperately afraid of this.
i read online: "Codependency is based on a toxic mix of conditional love and unconditional commitment."

yes, very true.
@pinkrasputin and those who mentioned it before, thank you. i can't deny it.

You'll collapse or implode if you keep it up.

How about finding your local CODA chapter and some individual therapy?

Less focus on him and your relationship and more focus on you.

[niss]

You'll collapse or implode if you keep it up.

How about finding your local CODA chapter and some individual therapy?

Less focus on him and your relationship and more focus on you.

QFT. @selfinsufficient, I hope that you are getting what pink is saying in this short statement.

Relationships are dynamic, which means that as one partner becomes healthier and begins to respond to events in a healthy manner, the other partner will react in a healthier manner, an extremely unhealthy manner, or will leave. If the partner reacts in a more healthy manner, then you will both be benefiting from your efforts at becoming the person you want to become. If the partner reacts in an extremely unhealthy manner, it will force you to realize that this relationship is not going to work and will cause you to seek to end the relationship. If the partner leaves, then it signifies that they truly did not care about you and were only in the relationship for self-centered reasons.

As a NF, you will tend to focus on your faults and minimize the faults of others. This plays out in your self-talk so that the tapes you play in your head will be derogatory towards yourself while being understanding of your SO. This is not healthy and needs to be corrected so that you can view the relationship more objectively.

It is important that you seek counseling and a support group for whatever issues that you are facing, but it is also very important that you seek help for the right reasons. If you are seeking help so that you can be a better person for your SO, then you are likely to receive little benefit from the activities. You must seek help so that you become the person you should be - the person that you are proud to be. In doing so, you will become the person that is comfortable with themselves and with others, which - ironically - makes you more attractive to other people.

Do this for you - not for your SO or for your relationship.

HTH

[Tulipgarden]

@selfinsufficient: Are you the second letter writer on Amy Dickinson's column in the Washington Post today? Ask Amy: Host wants to establish no-phone zone - The Washington Post

Unbelievable. I can't even relate!

In my last marriage I was cheated on. And I'm just supposed to idly sit back? Like I Accidentally see a message and act like its nothing? Hell effin' no. If I wanted to sit back and be continually made to feel second best, feel like marriage vows meant nothing, to feel like our family was worthless and to share some other woman's nasty cooties then okay "let's not snoop and pretend it isn't there". Maybe it would have made me feel better to say "but he still comes home to me".

Shudder.

Nope, I snooped and I confronted. I printed off every phone call, hotel receipt, email, picture, text message, and I contemplated making christmas cards out of the photos I found.

I asked him recently, when he asked me "why i didnt feel comfortable enough to cheat on my husband with him and while he was explaining why it's okay for me to cheat with my ex husband on my current husband then I asked "doesn't your wife check your phone records?" and he said "no, she's not like you" and I said "that's really sad".

Im positive he is cheating on his current wife and she has no clue. If she snooped a little she would know. Ignorance is bliss, though. When I see her I feel sorry for her.

Now, I do believe that you should talk to him about it. It could be nothing more than a "flirt". What you should not feel bad about is the snooping. If they can justify cheating then I can justify snooping.

[Tulipgarden]

Edit: Silly phone posted this twice when I tried to edit it.


But one other thing. I just wanted to say that I can understand your situation, why you are nervous or scared. I can actually understand why you would feel guilty for snooping. I just adamantly disagree with the "Ask Amy". In no way, shape or form are you supposed to idly sit back and feel like you just have to "take it" or dismiss it. Dismissing might be easier and you may choose, for yourself, to dismiss it but don't let someone make you feel bad for snooping or discovering information. This is information, that in the long run, indeed affects you and your relationship. I'm not saying that you can't get passed what you found. You most certainly can get passed it -- especially if *he* is willing to get passed it and move on with the relationship.

[selfinsufficient]

the more i read about it, the more obvious. "Some would retain the stricter, narrower dictionary definition of codependency, which requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.^"
this sounds like us. from the start he was excessively needy of me, from the moment we met he wanted to see me immediately again the next day, on our first date he was trying to get a guarantee from me that we were together, later on it was reassurance that i wouldn't leave, that we were a long term thing, turned into the constant need for reassurance that i love him, needs me to always be with him. and i am the one who became quickly dependent on his addicted behavior and need it to feel safe in the relationship. for example if there is ever any moment where he contacts me less than usual throughout the day i immdiately wonder if something has changed, if he is mad or if he doesn't need me anymore. anytime he askes me to spend time with him (which is always) i feel like i can't say no or i might risk losing him, he takes personal offense that i am choosing to spend time with others instead of him or doing some other activity, and gets scared that i wil find someone else. there's so much more i cant and wont type it all but we fit the descriptions.

[Boolean11]

am i making this too big of a deal? should i just forget about it? i have trusted my istj boyfriend from the start, and he never made me feel that i shouldn't. he is very loyal and faithful and committed to our relationship and absolutely in love with me that i would never question it. and when i say that i mean it- i completely believe his love for me. he puts me on a pedastal, adores me, would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy or to risk losing me. everyone who knows him has never seen him in love like this, they are always telling me how much they can tell he is head over heels in love with me and i agree- he makes me feel that way.

everything would be fine except that 2 months ago i saw something that hurt me and have been keeping it in. i am not sure if i should let it bother me the way it does or if i should let it go. i have not been able to let it go yet.

my istj trusts me and he has told me all the passwords to his accounts etc. I don't ever use them, i believe in trust and i don't care to be a snoop. one day though i needed to use his ipad and i logged in by using the password he had given me. his facebook page had been left open on the screen. he rarely uses his facebook, never goes on there. i could have just exited but just out of habit i clicked on the message icon. not expecting to find anything it was more just a reflex. i guess if i had done this a few days before i would have found nothing and never would have checked again. but coincidentally there was a message he had just sent a few days prior. one night he had gotten extremely drunk. i was at home that night, it was a weekday night and he had had a lot of work, and went for drink afterwards with friends. got absolutely obliterated drunk. sent me some crude sexual texts. i knew he was drunk b/c they were very crude and he deosn't talk like that unless he is that drunk. apparently that same night he had sent a facebook message to a mutual friend of ours. it was a message telling her that she is hot.

when i saw it i felt so hurt and betrayed. i called her and she said she had not responded (she hadn't) and that she had seen him that night and knew he was "wasted" and had not taken it seriously and felt it was best not to say anything as it was a one time thing under that kind of circumstance. she told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing. i trust her she is a good friend. but i am disturbed that he did that. i decided not to say anything about it and let it go but it is still there, in the back of my mind and i have to admit that i trust him less now. and i contemplate checking his accounts again.

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

Are you aware of FRAPING??????