[niss]

I understand boundaries, but I must disagree that you were wrong to "snoop," accidentally or otherwise. If your relationship has progressed to the point where you are putting up with his drunken crude texts - without apology - then you are intimate enough to view his facebook account - messages and all.

Granted he was blitzed, but he was speaking how he really feels - and you are right to have some insecurities stemming from this conduct. He apologized to the girl he texted, but where is his apology to you? Does he not realize that he has hurt you, your relationship, and his character with this behavior?



Lastly, he does need counseling. Regardless of his opinion about counseling, being an ISTJ, or anything else, an objective third party can help him get himself straightened out. Multiply this conduct times ten to get an idea of where this relationship will lead the two of you if this conduct is left unchecked.

For me, red flags are everywhere.

[Rhee]

i am still not sure if i should bring it up at this point or not.

You should. If you sweep this under the rug now, your relationship will likely deteriorate because the damage has already been done.

I think 1) your unwillingness to come clean about snooping, and 2) his unwillingness to inform you of his slip-up are both pretty telling. You're probably worried if he'll still see you as his 'perfect girl,' and he's probably wondered if you'll still stick around despite his drunken mistake (and apparently decided not to risk it.)

You both have confidence issues that need to be resolved. This is natural because no relationship is ever realistically perfect. Serious adult relationships require serious work.

Bad news: Looks like you'll just have to get your hands dirty this time in order to get that work done.
Good news: Your relationship will advance to a whole new level if it passes this test. If you're really good for each other, you'll get to know it.

[selfinsufficient]

@niss what are the red flags? are there any more that you see that i should be aware of? i see: 1)drinking problem due to his anxiety disorder and his inability to say no to when feeling pressured to drink alongside his alcoholic friend when they are out together. 2)his behavior when he drinks 3)his fear of losing me makes him avoid telling me something he knows would cause me to get upset (maybe he avoided this b/c it was truly nothing and he knew i would make it bigger than it was? if it were something bigger would he feel he should tell me?).

so if he controls the drinking (which he has been- i don't know if you read my post in the infp message board where i posed the same question but i told them that he was very depressed about the way he drank too much and made comments to me that he needs to stop and since then he has not been out with that friend, has not put himself in a situation where he would drink too much and when he does drink it is or two beers and that is all now. i have observed that he has seriously been handling this). i trust him completely when he is sober, and even mostly when he is drunk, b/c i still don't think he would do anything but i have some doubt bc of this incident. so if the drinking is under control i won't be worried about him repeating this kind of incident...

and if we work on communication... then... what are the other red flags you have noticed?

[Out0fAmmo]

well yes to some extent this is true, but just because you think something (yes, that girl is attractive, he was drunk she was there and he sent the message. i know on a daily basis that he thinks of me as incredibly attractive and more attractive than her, and he would never trade me in for her or risk losing me for her). basically: i am not worried about him thinking she is hot. he thinks i am hotter and is grateful to have me. so him telling her that doesn't bother me and i know he wouldn't do anything when sober. and even when drunk, if i was there he would have been all over me. i wasn't there and he was very drunk. i can relate b/c on rare occasions when i have been extremely drunk and my boyfriend wasn't there, (two times) i have felt "frisky" and desired physical encounters (not sex) but for instance would have allowed guys to dance with me letting them get too close, touchy..putting their hands on me, normally i would not let this happen or even want it b/c i only ever want my boyfriend that way.. even when drunk i didn't actually let it happen but i wanted it. when it comes to it actually happening i get away from it b/c my rationality is still there somewhere and i stop it. drunken desire doesn't necessarily mean it's what you truly want. drunkenness can make you desire certain things b/c it makes you feel a certain way, but that doesn't mean that you would actually go through with it or want it in your right mind.

This is *very* difficult to read and make sense of. Please put more effort into grammar and punctuation.

Now, based on what I could figure out from your post, it sounds like you're almost defending his actions. Is his message to a girl still a problem for you?

[selfinsufficient]

@Out0fAmmo apologies. communicated disorganized train of thought; was more concerned with expressing the ideas quickly as they came to me rather than actually presenting them in any comprehensible way. in any case, none of it was too important but yes, from amidst the chaos you gathered that i seem to be defending his actions... I am rather embarrassed and hurt by what he did and hoping to make sense of and excuse it for the sake of my pride.

[Stephen]

@selfinsufficient

Stop talking to us and talk to him. This situation isn't anywhere near as complex as you're making it by spending days fretting over it, and we don't have the answers on how he feels and what his motivations are.

[niss]

@niss what are the red flags? are there any more that you see that i should be aware of? i see: 1)drinking problem due to his anxiety disorder and his inability to say no to when feeling pressured to drink alongside his alcoholic friend when they are out together. 2)his behavior when he drinks 3)his fear of losing me makes him avoid telling me something he knows would cause me to get upset (maybe he avoided this b/c it was truly nothing and he knew i would make it bigger than it was? if it were something bigger would he feel he should tell me?).

so if he controls the drinking (which he has been- i don't know if you read my post in the infp message board where i posed the same question but i told them that he was very depressed about the way he drank too much and made comments to me that he needs to stop and since then he has not been out with that friend, has not put himself in a situation where he would drink too much and when he does drink it is or two beers and that is all now. i have observed that he has seriously been handling this). i trust him completely when he is sober, and even mostly when he is drunk, b/c i still don't think he would do anything but i have some doubt bc of this incident. so if the drinking is under control i won't be worried about him repeating this kind of incident...

and if we work on communication... then... what are the other red flags you have noticed?

I don't want to get into an armchair psychoanalysis, so you must understand that this is just the perspective of a random guy on the internet. That said, here's a few red flags that concerned me:

I think it is telling that you don't feel comfortable telling him about what you found.

I suspect that your pride/ego are what you are trying to protect in your defense of his actions.

Because of this, I believe that your relationship is teetering on the edge of codependency/enabling.

I think that he is dealing with unresolved issues.

I suspect that he may be using alcohol as an escape mechanism to avoid those feelings/memories/issues.

If so, getting rid of the alcohol won't really help.

Because of this pain, I believe that he may have fear of intimacy issues.

If I am wrong, then I am glad - and relieved for your sake. Ignore what I've said and move on.

If I am right, and you love him enough to stick with him regardless, then buckle yourself in tight - it'll be a long, hard ride.

BTDT, have the scars.

[SnowFairy]

i am still not sure if i should bring it up at this point or not.

At some point you'll have to, and probably the sooner the better. I don't think it would be healthy or even possible to keep that trapped inside forever. If you try to keep it to yourself, I can guarantee that it will eat you alive and drive you crazy.

It won't be easy, and he will probably be a little upset over you snooping on his FB...BUT he needs to realize that this was a risk that he was taking in giving you his passwords.

He needs to be told that what he did was NOT okay, and you need to be able to get this off your chest. An uncomfortable discussion will be worth it, if it means that you can have release and get a little peace of mind in the end. You deserve to be treated better, and you deserve to be able to trust the guy you're with.

I know there is always the risk of this ending in a break-up, but if it does you will probably find someone better who won't betray you like that.

[Yardiff Bey]

i completely agree. in my opinion it is really unnacceptable to do something like that. as is it unnacceptable to me that i read his messages.

It seems to me that the trust is going to be gone on both sides of the relationship.

[selfinsufficient]

@niss i think you are spot on. Thank you all for your help.