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Does this male ISTJ like (platonic/romantic) / or is he in-love??? :/

[ISTJ] 
9K views 13 replies 6 participants last post by  Orelli 
#1 ·
Needing some input on a fellow ISTJ (male) whom is my good friend. I want to know where I stand in his mind/heart and if he sees me more than a friend. When we first got close, he regarded me as his pal and always refer me as that. He has stopped referring me as that and always use my name instead.

Other than that:
- He is very kind to me and always doing his best to help; has never turn down any of my requests even if it serves him inconvenience. He said he felt privileged when I seek his help. I'm guessing he feels happy that I trust him, that among so many others, I chose him. (Due to our work nature, trust is important for us to decide who we want to work with).
- He opens up personal stuff like his family (not often nor in-depth, but bits and pieces randomly), his FEELINGS (mainly sadness), his personal opinion on things/people, who he is in-touch with, he shares about his day whenever he gets the chance, his fears as well and sometimes relating some of his experiences at work. Whenever he shares, he would include his thought process so that I can relate from his POV.
- He has told me (more than once) that he trusts me and I am reliable. Among so many others, he chose me for help too :blushed:
- He is around me often (we work in a different departments so he has to go out of his way. he always justify his "appearances" with work reasons but often gave a big grin and looking away/down when he pass my desk)
- He has kept me company on few ocassion that I have to work late. He said he knows that I'm scared being alone.
- He remembers everything I say, sometimes just so to diss it back at me. Sometimes I don't even remember telling him those things :tongue:
- He seemed to be genuinely enjoying my company; looking very happy, smiling and laughing most of the time.
- He is very playful with me. Always trying to "get on my nerves" and trigger some sort of reaction from me lol
- When we hang out, he gave his full attention and was seldom on his phone.
- He compliments me on my personality and character, less on looks.
- He maintains eye contact when we talk (which makes me nervous AF as he literally gaze into my eyes). When we weren't talking, he continues staring with his mouth slightly parted. When I asked him why he said: "just staring at you" without even looking away wtf.
- Being very charismatic, used words like "just/only for you" when he help out with stuff.
- When we were alone once, he told me that a love song is for me and played it on his iPad (the lyrics meant confession) (he played it off with a joke to dilute the situation. I guess ISTJ like to plan their escape fast) :rolleyes:
- He doesn't mind the physical proximity when we sat or stood close to each other. I do feel his nervousness sometimes.
- We used to text very often, every other day and continues late into the night, just chatting without particular reason. The texting are lesser now.
- When we're on the phone (very rarely), it's usually quite long (about 20-30 mins).
- He is sensitive to my mood and emotions and would ask if I'm okay. He is scared of me being angry at him lol.
- He is protective of me by warning me of certain people and tells me not to be invested easily in people/circumstances lest I be hurt.
- We were having dinner and as I stood up to get orders from the counter he uttered: "don't go" while looking straight ahead without any emotion (is this a joke???) :rolleyes:
- Nowadays he only wants to hang out one-on-one with me albeit having common friends, he said he don't really like the rest of the people :laughing:
- He sents by text, very "formal invitation" to hang out. And I always get to choose the venue/activity. This puts a smile to my face. Very different from my other male friends.

Our conversations, whenever there is, flow with ease and often drag on hours at a time. He doesn't feel like an ISTJ when he's with me - he's talkative, happy and full of expression. He often act like a child/ act cute to make me laugh. He is like my best friend and big brother so I hate it when I began to feel my emotions being invested more than just friendship.

What do you ISTJ (males) think? :)
 
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#2 ·
He definitely thinks of you as more than a friend and definitely quite likely as a love interest. I wouldn't say 100% for sure until he ACTUALLY says this though. If anything, I IMAGINE he's very unsure if you would actually be interested in him, hence the quick escape joke.

To me it does definitely sound like he's in love with you. These parts:

- He is around me often (we work in a different departments so he has to go out of his way. he always justify his "appearances" with work reasons but often gave a big grin and looking away/down when he pass my desk)
- He has kept me company on few ocassion that I have to work late. He said he knows that I'm scared being alone.

- He seemed to be genuinely enjoying my company; looking very happy, smiling and laughing most of the time.
- He is very playful with me. Always trying to "get on my nerves" and trigger some sort of reaction from me lol

- He maintains eye contact when we talk (which makes me nervous AF as he literally gaze into my eyes). When we weren't talking, he continues staring with his mouth slightly parted. When I asked him why he said: "just staring at you" without even looking away wtf.
- Being very charismatic, used words like "just/only for you" when he help out with stuff.
- When we were alone once, he told me that a love song is for me and played it on his iPad (the lyrics meant confession) (he played it off with a joke to dilute the situation. I guess ISTJ like to plan their escape fast) :rolleyes:
- He doesn't mind the physical proximity when we sat or stood close to each other. I do feel his nervousness sometimes.

- He sents by text, very "formal invitation" to hang out. And I always get to choose the venue/activity. This puts a smile to my face. Very different from my other male friends.
Stuck out to me the most as being from emotions beyond just intense friendship and into something else. There's a good chance he'll never say anything though, depending on how he perceives you and any signals and whether he decides to believe those or his own (probably negative) intuition.

Also, just a guess, perhaps even self-projection, but I think he'd be pretty disappointed to hear "
He is like my best friend and big brother so I hate it when I began to feel my emotions being invested more than just friendship."

If you're not attracted to him at all, I think it's better to be open about that sooner rather than later. It doesn't necessarily mean he'll cut off any relationship with you.
 
#3 ·
@Gasaraki

Thank you for your response!!! With regards to the disappointment part, I think I have honestly hurt his feelings more than one occasion, multiple times in fact, but he is still as dependable and open with me as before. He has told me once that I've caused him pain (as usual, played it off with a 'just joking'). Thus, I'm not entirely sure if he really does mean what he says sometimes. It seems to me that the parts that you pulled out were actions/effort that he do, which further suggest that ISTJ indeed shows love (whether platonic/family/romantic) through actions rather than words. In addition on what's above, he also often create opportunities for me to extend my physical touch, for e.g asking me to remove something from his face, let me fiddle with his hair etc.

I have told him that I regard him as a brother, which I have to confess, regretted in doing so.

How should I communicate my openness in getting to know him better? I'm an introvert at times like this.
 
#5 ·
@Gasaraki

Thank you for your response!!! With regards to the disappointment part, I think I have honestly hurt his feelings more than one occasion, multiple times in fact, but he is still as dependable and open with me as before. He has told me once that I've caused him pain (as usual, played it off with a 'just joking'). Thus, I'm not entirely sure if he really does mean what he says sometimes. It seems to me that the parts that you pulled out were actions/effort that he do, which further suggest that ISTJ indeed shows love (whether platonic/family/romantic) through actions rather than words. In addition on what's above, he also often create opportunities for me to extend my physical touch, for e.g asking me to remove something from his face, let me fiddle with his hair etc.

I have told him that I regard him as a brother, which I have to confess, regretted in doing so.

How should I communicate my openness in getting to know him better? I'm an introvert at times like this.
If I'm reading this right, you are saying that you ARE open to having a relationship further than just great friends? In that case, even if you don't feel like you can directly say "I want to have a relationship with you" you're gonna need to drop some really really really really obvious hints. I mean really really really obvious. Like, much more obvious than you think is necessary.

I don't know about ENFJs but ISTJs are extremely, EXTREMELY literal and as some might put it "dense" especially when it comes to human relationships. So really, best thing to do is say, "I'm sorry, I don't just think of you as a brother, there is room for something more" or whatever. Just as direct as you can possibly make yourself be I think
 
#6 ·
Extremely literal. We do not do hints well.

It's why we also get extremely aggravated when people start reading things into our words that we didn't mean. ;) To us, words have specific meanings and reading between the lines or reading the various "layers" of meaning that certain types use is both draining and ineffective.
 
#7 ·
@Gasaraki @Yardiff Bey

Thanks!! I have told him twice before - once that I'm happy to have known him as a good friend and the other like a brother. When said, the former triggered a sad emoji in return. I'm not sure if he would have taken what I said 'literally' and deter himself away from any potential romantic notions; because there were instances that I am very 'literal' and affectionate in my words but he would strongly object and claim that he knows where he stands. Is it because he feels some sort of conflict?

With that said about being literal, should I be taking seriously what he says then? Even when he plays everything off with a joke? Should I be relying on the words OR the joke you know what I mean lol

Besides words, do ISTJs communicate well through actions also? I always kinda stop him in his tracks when he saw me in the vicinity. Especially when it's an "accidental" meet, he would freeze or stare at me, sometimes looking wide-eyed/shock, and being nervous that he kept grining; or if he's talking, he would sound kinda jumbled-up and try to end the conversation. To me, this is one of the biggest signs through action. But I don't know about ISTJ.
 
#8 ·
@Gasaraki @Yardiff Bey

Thanks!! I have told him twice before - once that I'm happy to have known him as a good friend and the other like a brother. When said, the former triggered a sad emoji in return. I'm not sure if he would have taken what I said 'literally' and deter himself away from any potential romantic notions; because there were instances that I am very 'literal' and affectionate in my words but he would strongly object and claim that he knows where he stands. Is it because he feels some sort of conflict?

With that said about being literal, should I be taking seriously what he says then? Even when he plays everything off with a joke? Should I be relying on the words OR the joke you know what I mean lol

Besides words, do ISTJs communicate well through actions also? I always kinda stop him in his tracks when he saw me in the vicinity. Especially when it's an "accidental" meet, he would freeze or stare at me, sometimes looking wide-eyed/shock, and being nervous that he kept grining; or if he's talking, he would sound kinda jumbled-up and try to end the conversation. To me, this is one of the biggest signs through action. But I don't know about ISTJ.
You have sent him mixed signals LOL.

No wonder things are all confused between you.

If you actually do want a relationship with him, you are going to have to unmistakably initiate it. Hints won't mean squat, he has had twice from you: "good friend" and "brother". End of story in his head.

In fact calling any man a friend or brother is a death-knell for anything romantic with him.
 
#9 ·
Yeah, what I meant by really obvious is at least 100 times more obvious than saying "good friend" and "brother"

In fact, that's the opposite. If he objected at a time AFTER you said good friend or brother it's because you yourself already set up that boundary. You need to actually say you want more than a good friend or brother and that he is it. I'd even HIGHLY suggest explaining why you said good friend and brother and that it wasn't to set up a boundary.

Him "joking", especially if it's not actually funny, is just him trying to save himself IMO. I wouldn't listen to it seriously.

Well, what I think of when I see "communicate through action" is doing services for someone or something. The stuff you listed isn't what I would think of, but yeah they're probably signs he likes you

Point is, I am almost 100% sure he likes you, and you need to be clear that you're ok with and into it moving forward, especially because you've already given him mixed signals, and it seems like he's only done that AFTER you did.

IMO when he said he knows his limits, he meant LITERALLY that. He knows his limits and won't overstep his bounds or force himself onto you. So even if he said that before you ever called him a good friend, he's probably just being respectful
 
#10 ·
If your assessment of ISTJ is correct, pretty much every point listed here indicates the guy wants to initiate a relationship with you.

The rest have already pointed out other things, especially about how your response might be confusing him.

This can be resolved quite simply by telling him straight upfront whether you want to accept going into a relationship with the guy or not. Best to provide rationales justifying your decision too, rather than just saying you feel or don't feel a certain way.
 
#11 ·
Thank you all for the response, they have indeed helped a lot in my understanding of him. And I am very curious on something - how do you, ISTJ, behave upon jealousy?

- Do you outright question the girl the friendship she has with a particular person she is close with?

- Or would you show signs of annoyance?

It seemed to me that the ISTJ could tell me whenever - girls he finds 'Hot' but on the rare ocassion that I point out a good-looking person he would brush it off with tinge of annoyance that I am too preoccupied in checking out guys. Does it mean that he is jealous?? lol
 
#12 · (Edited)
If he thinks it's a problem, he will almost certainly question you about it instead of playing passive-aggressive and dropping hints. If that's not the case but he still looks annoyed, he might just be jealous of your attention.

EDIT: Here's a post that I think you could really benefit from.
personalitycafe.com/istj-articles/168242-lengthy-subjective-guide-understanding-relationship-me-istj-guy.html
 
#14 ·
This guy digs you! I'm not a guy but if I went out of my way to talk to you, let you choose what you wanted to do when going out, is scared when you are angry, opens up about his family; these are great indicators. The fact he told you the love song was for you and played it for you, it was most likely true; your assessment is a nice bulls eye. I would refrain from stating you think of him as a good friend, or a brother. I would not date my brother; good friend, he was just friend zoned. That is most likely why you got a sad emoji. I hat the phone. Even if a close friend calls, I usually want to get to the point quick, and hang up. With ISTJ's you need to remember, we don't want to make a mistake so we take our time. Be playful, strait up, and tell him, you know, I really like you. It is very strait forward and I'm sure you will get a response. You can also make an escape and say, of course as a friend if he doesn't respond the way you want; you will at least get an answer.
 
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