ISTJ and ENFP relationships

**pinkrasputin** · 02-28-2010, 02:19 PM

My experience with an ISTJ stems from my childhood. My older brother is an ISTJ. He practically was like a father to me because mine wasn't really around. Because I was so young, I was extremely impressionable when it came to his judgments of me. I loved him and would try to please him. As a younger sibling, he was "my hero". Later I tried to stay on his good side just so I could avoid being beaten up. It has taken me years and tons of therapy to rid his critical voice and judgments from my head. Self doubt will always be a battle because I grew up being told that everything I did was "wrong" or "stupid".

Now we are older and we do get along better but we live in different states. I really love him. I am thinking he has mellowed out since he has had children and his world can no longer remain "controlled" and "perfect".

I cannot survive very well around people who think there is "right" and "wrong". Especially because I see things more from a "works for me" or "doesn't work for me" perspective.

niss63 · 04-30-2010, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genie

Has any ENFPs out there stayed married to ISTJ's without going insane?

Define sane...

We have been married 25 years. The first 6 months were pure bliss. The next 91/2 years I almost destroyed her. We went through many, many sessions of counseling and a truck load of self help books. Now we are pretty stable. We still argue time to time, but we've learned how to talk through it. The hardest part for me is how much affirmation she needs. She is the most amazing person I know--really she is. And yet I struggle to remember to tell her how amazing she is--particularly how often she needs to hear it.

The biggest mistake? Working together in our own business. We were together 24/7 with no relief.

We will be married until one of us passes away (from natural causes--neither one wants to kill the other; at least not any more...) But a lot of that is due to commitment and the belief that we both hold that you get married once and it is for life.

A word to the wise...don't even consider that you know the other person until you have dated steadily for a couple of years. And that does not mean a long distance relationship.

Linnifae · 05-01-2010, 10:39 PM

I just took a quiz "which type are you attracted to" and got ISTJ. I never had a romantic relationship with one. I think I'm just attracted to organization because it's always been a struggle for me & I'm always attracted to introverts.

Linnifae · 05-01-2010, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by niss63

Define sane...

We have been married 25 years. The first 6 months were pure bliss. The next 91/2 years I almost destroyed her. We went through many, many sessions of counseling and a truck load of self help books. Now we are pretty stable. We still argue time to time, but we've learned how to talk through it. The hardest part for me is how much affirmation she needs. She is the most amazing person I know--really she is. And yet I struggle to remember to tell her how amazing she is--particularly how often she needs to hear it.

The biggest mistake? Working together in our own business. We were together 24/7 with no relief.

We will be married until one of us passes away (from natural causes--neither one wants to kill the other; at least not any more...) But a lot of that is due to commitment and the belief that we both hold that you get married once and it is for life.

A word to the wise...don't even consider that you know the other person until you have dated steadily for a couple of years. And that does not mean a long distance relationship.

I think being together 24/7 would be challenging regardless of what type(s) the couples are.

niss63 · 05-02-2010, 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linnifae

I just took a quiz "which type are you attracted to" and got ISTJ. I never had a romantic relationship with one. I think I'm just attracted to organization because it's always been a struggle for me & I'm always attracted to introverts.

The quiz is correct in that you are attracted to ISTJ's and they will also be attracted to you. Be advised that ISTJ's can be very critical of everything around them and that this trait does not become too obvious until they are under stress. They must also feel fairly comfortable in their surroundings to express their feelings--in this manner. Translation: The ISTJ mate will adjust to having you around and will become critical when life's stresses come.

This is something that all ISTJ's must work to overcome. SWMBO has often told me that I will endure a great deal of suffering, but that I don't suffer in silence.

For you as an ENFP, the real issue becomes that you need affirmation and lots of it. And you can't stand criticism much at all. You are very sensitive and have an antenna that is always up, sensing the moods and feelings of those around you. Lots of good things come from this (you can almost seem psychic to the concrete ISTJ) but also some bad. The bad is that the ISTJ, in their relentless pursuit of perfection and being right, will criticize everything you do wrong. And yes, most times the behavior or problem in question will seem wrong--to you and to the ISTJ. To you, your attitude will be that it is not that big a deal and you will ignore it and move on. To the ISTJ mate, they will continually be critical of this behavior until it is corrected or until you establish a boundary and make the ISTJ back off. Something that is very hard for you to do.

Before you should consider a relationship with an ISTJ, become emotionally healthy yourself. The more emotionally healthy you are, the less likely you will be attracted to an unhealthy person of any personality type. You should also finish your degree and become employed in an area that you excel. This will allow you to achieve some confidence and will establish other sources of positive reinforcement, rather than relying totally on your mate.

The communication break down in an ISTJ/ENFP relationship is because the ISTJ's most comfortable functions are Si and Te, while an ENFP's most comfortable functions are Ne and Fi. This means that it sometimes feels like you are each speaking a foreign language so that neither one of you can understand the other. IWO, you see everything in shades of gray while the ISTJ sees everything in black and white.

While any personality types can marry any of the personality types and make it work, you will likely find that an INFJ or an INTJ will be much easier to communicate with in a relationship.

Yes, you will be attracted to the ISTJ like a moth to a flame. It takes a great deal of commitment for this relationship to work.

HTH

Graeb1 · 05-02-2010, 12:15 PM

I'm the istj married to an enfp. I'm sure it's true that opposites attract. I believe most of the attraction is something new and different that is exciting and fullfilling. Unfortunately, over time, the newness and excitment wears away and what remains is the difference. The extrovert is vivified with the very social interaction that wears down the introvert. The perceiver likes to keep her options open and this natural tendency continually frustrates the judger who yearns for a decision to be made. The feeler is so often upset by the cold, rational response of the thinker. The intuitive is often in a place that the sensor just can't "sense".

You may be attracted by what seems like a compliment to you nature -- the istj's desire for organization. But, honestly, if you really wanted things more organized, wouldn't you do it yourself? Organizing is a priorty for the istj. It's obviously not a priority for you. How will you feel when the istj resists the social event because his priority is to straighten things up?

Just words from experience.

Good luck!

Corsage · 05-05-2010, 06:57 AM

I'm in a long-distance relationship with an ENFP and it's driving me insane! Whilst I love him and he loves me, the fact that he is so spontaneous makes me feel queasy and I can never rely on him to be in when he says he will be, or call when he says he will. I'm trying to accept that he needs to be impulsive to feel happy and that he simply is and always will be somewhat unreliable, but it's very frustrating since it's the opposite of what I need. The other side of the proverbial coin, is that he is just such an incredible, exciting and inspiring person who I can't help but love. For the moment, the problems and arguments we have are worth going through to be with him, but as an ISTJ I can't logically see how this can last, I feel a bit like a masochist!

niss63 · 05-05-2010, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corsage

I'm in a long-distance relationship with an ENFP and it's driving me insane...but as an ISTJ I can't logically see how this can last,

Trust your instincts.

Graeb1 · 05-05-2010, 09:15 PM

I second niss63 - trust your instincts!

Struggling Writer · 05-07-2010, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inebriato

Is it really that complicated? Has anyone had any experience, or opinion on it?

It can be complicated from time to time, but ENFPs are big on trying to understanding others and most of the time we are able to, because we are so empathetic. We put ourselves in other people's shoes and very open and expressive. So through the years, my ISTJ husband and I have come to fully understand each other. An ISTJ and an ENFP in love can make both partners feel great. I brought fun and excitment into my husband's life (never a dull moment anymore) and he brought stability into mine. In the earlier years, I didn't like the stability and felt restless, but I learned that stability can be a good thing. He has his routines and ways, whereas I don't have mine and am spontaneous. We accept that in each other. Even though we're like night and day, we balance each other out. Imagine what it would be like with only night or only day... the world needs both. :)

There is a lot to learn from opposites. Debates can be never-ending, so we have learned to agree to disagree. Our viewpoints are often quite different, but when it comes to family, we agree on everything. We do agree on a lot of other things as well. With that said, we've been married for 5 years and couldn't imagine our lives without each other, or our kids! :)