[ISTJ] ISTJ and ESFP relationships

ISTJ and ESFP relationships

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This is a discussion on ISTJ and ESFP relationships within the ISTJ Forum - The Duty Fulfillers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Hey ISTJ guys :) I have been dating an ISTJ guy on and off for 2 years. I really like ...

  1. #1
    ESFP - The Performers

    ISTJ and ESFP relationships

    Hey ISTJ guys :)

    I have been dating an ISTJ guy on and off for 2 years. I really like him and I know he really likes me but he just never was able to fully commit to me. He is very attractive to me but he is not the type who want to play around with women (he is rather shy) but I think his main problem is his financial stability issue.

    Our communication is not that great. Being a Sensitive extrovert I always want to express my feeling and get feed backs from him. I just don't understand why it is sooooo hard and uncomfortable for him to express how he feels about me.

    When I ask him does he really like me. He wouuld say something like if I did not like why would I be with you?

    He said sometimes he does not even know himself. When he is stressed he always wanna be alone. And being an ESFP I HATE to be alone.

    And also recently he decided to do something I just cannot (or very very hard to) accept. He said he hope I can let him do what he wants this time. We had a big arguement but I know I cannot stop him. So it is really up to me if I can live with it.

    I have lots of friends to chill with but nowdays most of them are either married for in a serious relationship. So sometimes I do get lonely and want to hangout with him more often.

    I am fairly attractive and outgoing so it has never been a problem meeting guys. But I know my ITSJ truly cares about me and will always been there for me. I do like him alot (maybe I love him) and I don't want to break his heart.

    I really wanna ask all you ISTJ guys how you guys approach relationships?

    Thanks!!!

    SHISHI



  2. #2
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers


    i remember w while ago i went out with this girl who was an extrovert. i've not got my PH.d. inMyers Briggs personality tests, so icant tell you what kind she was. but she was always asking me what i was thinking, what was wrong (when nothing was wrong) and so on. when i was studying or reading she would sit next to me and get pissed that i wasnt talking to her. during lunch (did i mention we were in highschool? thats kinda important) i would sit on the bench, but her friends would sit away from her and pressure her to sit with them, then this other girl would come sit with me and talk to me. i seriously think her friends had alot to do with us breaking up. and with my other relationships. because in highschool i hunted exclusivley in that social circle. anyway, the thing with an ISTJ is to let him do his own thing, and whatever it is he's thinking of doing, you cant stand in his way if he thinks its the right thing to do. when he's stressed then you'd better leave him alone, as i dont evne like people talking to me when im normal. remember that ISTJ's are not good at expresing themselves, so trust he still feels like you told him last time. thats all i got.
    SHISHI and Tui thanked this post.

  3. #3
    ESFP - The Performers

    Quote Originally Posted by fagballsmcready View Post
    i remember w while ago i went out with this girl who was an extrovert. i've not got my PH.d. inMyers Briggs personality tests, so icant tell you what kind she was. but she was always asking me what i was thinking, what was wrong (when nothing was wrong) and so on. when i was studying or reading she would sit next to me and get pissed that i wasnt talking to her. during lunch (did i mention we were in highschool? thats kinda important) i would sit on the bench, but her friends would sit away from her and pressure her to sit with them, then this other girl would come sit with me and talk to me. i seriously think her friends had alot to do with us breaking up. and with my other relationships. because in highschool i hunted exclusivley in that social circle. anyway, the thing with an ISTJ is to let him do his own thing, and whatever it is he's thinking of doing, you cant stand in his way if he thinks its the right thing to do. when he's stressed then you'd better leave him alone, as i dont evne like people talking to me when im normal. remember that ISTJ's are not good at expresing themselves, so trust he still feels like you told him last time. thats all i got.
    Thx a lot for your reply fagballsmready (wow can I get a short form of your name? )

    Before I started to read all these personality stuff I was very very puzzled by his behaviour as it was totally foreign to me.

    I could not understand how can a guy likes a girl alot yet donnot pay enough attention or being able to meet her emotional needs.

    But I think now I understand that I just have very strong emotional needs that is not natural for him to provide.

    There are many things I admire and respect about him. He is very reliable, hardworking, emotionally stable, and honest to a fault. I think many many women would find him physcially attactive and i get a little worried.

    However I know I get worried because I am weak to temptations. If a hot and outgoing guy approaches me it does tickle me a little. But I wont act on it because I know it is not easy to find a guy as real as my ISTJ.

    We are both in our late 20's and he is definitely more experienced in life (I would not say in relationships) than I am. He thinks I am spoiled and sometimes act sillly. I am for sure more spoiled since I am the only child and I think I act silly to make people laugh (so typical ESFP behaviour).

    I know I should leave him alone to do his own thing... It is just this particular decision bothers me alot... and he knows it hurts me. He did promise he wont do it for long term though.

    I would like to hear more from you ISTJ. I think you guys really have those qualities I need to work on.

    I appreciate your opinion :)

  4. #4
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    What is his decision that he is making?

  5. #5
    ESFP - The Performers

    Hmmmm it is something very private and out of his character... if he ever come to this forum and sees it I think he will ignore me for the rest of my life lol (okay maybe not but I don't want to risk it).

    Lets put it this way. I would say 95 % of the female population will be repealled by the idea their men is doing something like this... for money or for curiousity.

    If you guess something please keep it yourself. I will not say it out loud.

    But he said he will stop soon... I know the more I force his the more stubborn he becomes... is that correct?

  6. #6
    Unknown Personality

    I know many ISTJ's that have ESFJ and ESFP relationships....the usually arent very happy...though I have seen them stay together for a long time some of those couples. I think ESFX's need a lot of attention and emotional connection and ISTJ's arent built to give it in the manner that they need it. My personal opinion is that this is one of those relationships that somehow tolerate each other for the stability but not for the quality of the relationship.
    They seem to have a powerful first draw to one another though....and a tough time leaving out of a duty on both sides.
    SHISHI, lenabelle and chwoey thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ESFP - The Performers

    Quote Originally Posted by MyLittleBlackHeart View Post
    I know many ISTJ's that have ESFJ and ESFP relationships....the usually arent very happy...though I have seen them stay together for a long time some of those couples. I think ESFX's need a lot of attention and emotional connection and ISTJ's arent built to give it in the manner that they need it. My personal opinion is that this is one of those relationships that somehow tolerate each other for the stability but not for the quality of the relationship.
    They seem to have a powerful first draw to one another though....and a tough time leaving out of a duty on both sides.

    Thank you for your insightful reply :) You know what you just said is exactly what I think when thing are not going well between us :( I think to myself... I know he really likes and cares about me but is this how I want the rest of my life to be?

    I have left him 2 times in the past 2 years. I have dated other guys. But for some reason I always compare them :( I really don't want to walk away anymore from him just because I get frustrated easily... I know I have probably hurt him a lot in the past eventhough he won't tell me.

    I know I have not been the girl who was able to make him feel secure all the time. I AM very iindecisive and I have very low tolerance for anxiety (just like they describe an ESFP). I have always done that in the past... whenever a relationship goes sore, I just ended it, so I did not have to deal with hurtful feelings. Believe me, I am a usually happy girl but when I am sad... it is INTENSE!!!

    Well I am mainly here to learn more from all you ISTJ guy so maybe I can better understand him and at least make the relationship a little better.

    We DO have a great time filled with laughter a lot of times when we are together. Usually we just stay in his house and watch TV and still have a silly and good time :D

    I suppose there are people from all over the world on this site? It will be cool if I can ever meet some of you guys :D I guess that is a ESFP thing? I like to talk in person lol
    Seamaid and armika_armika thanked this post.

  8. #8
    ESFP - The Performers

    Issues with ISTJ Boyfriend (An ESFP/ISTJ match)

    ISTJs..

    What are your thoughts on ESFP's as romantic partners? If you've never had one, what would your perceptions/doubts/worries of that type of person be?

    Why ask?

    I've been dating an ISTJ for over year now. Having read your forums for the last hour, i can see that he's no exception: dutiful, meticulous about his efforts, peeved by people being late & bad grammar, drives super safe on the road, NOT a fan of spontaniety. (these examples kept coming up in the posts)
    He's also not very verbal about his affections for me, which i can handle, but would love to hear from him. Actions speak loud, but sometimes words speak louder. As S's, both ISTJ and ESFP love to live by "mean what you say". But how do i get him to start talking?

    Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.

    I'm an eccentric, loud, Russian born ball of chaos. I like variety. I eat something new every day. I redecorate my bedroom every six months. I like to travel. I speak four languages. etc etc etc. I want him to try new foods or go to a new restaurant.. etc, he refuses and cringes. So while i see the value in his rigid ways, (safety, security, familiarity, tradition).. I also see value in what I prefer. How do i find a common ground with him? He's more or less uncompromising. We're extreme J and P opposites.

    ALSO:
    Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
    How do i fix this??

    Seamaid, Keno, niss and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    While I'm an ISTJ, I'm not heavily one sided (I'm something like 80%I, and 65%STJ, or thereabouts), so take this with a grain of salt...I'm a scientist by education and profession, but I am also a musician, and a total romantic at heart...it sounds like your guy is more texbook ISTJ.

    It's kind of a long story of how I am now involved with my current interest (who I believe is an ESFP). I can say one thing for sure, there is an almost unnaturally huge attraction between an ISTJ and an ESFP, at least in my case.

    While I might have acted similarly to your boyfriend years ago, I have learned to appreciate the differences in our personalities. I look forward to the strengths of one overcoming the weaknesses of the other (it works both ways). In fact, I get more attracted and closer to her because of the differences, more and more each day.

    Maybe I'm not a typical ISTJ, but I have learned that the heart (and feelings) can be just as valid as logical reasoning...I try to apply whichever is best for each situation that I encounter in my life.

    I'd say for one, if you want it to work out between both of you, he needs to be made aware of his own personality traits (as an ISTJ), if he isn't already. An ISTJ should be readily interested in this kind of self analysis...once he is aware of his own traits, and accepts that there are other equally valid personality types, I would hope he learns to appreciate the differences you bring to the table...and that many of them are positive, even if they conflict with his own traits.

    I see where you don't want to seem like a nag, but whatever is bugging either of you about the other, needs to come out...holding back will only cause tension and resentment. Burying your feelings will eventually become disastrous if it goes on too long. Keep a note pad handy and try to write down the things that bother you as soon they happen and as analytically as possible, so you can be clear as to what is bothering you about him.

    So, if he just doesn't want the excitement, or want to try new things, or doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone...it's probably not going to work out. If he does learn to lighten up and begins to enjoy the new experiences that you can provide, then you have a chance.
    niss thanked this post.

  10. #10
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers


    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    ISTJs..

    What are your thoughts on ESFP's as romantic partners? If you've never had one, what would your perceptions/doubts/worries of that type of person be?

    Why ask?

    I've been dating an ISTJ for over year now. Having read your forums for the last hour, i can see that he's no exception: dutiful, meticulous about his efforts, peeved by people being late & bad grammar, drives super safe on the road, NOT a fan of spontaniety. (these examples kept coming up in the posts)
    He's also not very verbal about his affections for me, which i can handle, but would love to hear from him. Actions speak loud, but sometimes words speak louder. As S's, both ISTJ and ESFP love to live by "mean what you say". But how do i get him to start talking?

    Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.

    I'm an eccentric, loud, Russian born ball of chaos. I like variety. I eat something new every day. I redecorate my bedroom every six months. I like to travel. I speak four languages. etc etc etc. I want him to try new foods or go to a new restaurant.. etc, he refuses and cringes. So while i see the value in his rigid ways, (safety, security, familiarity, tradition).. I also see value in what I prefer. How do i find a common ground with him? He's more or less uncompromising. We're extreme J and P opposites.

    ALSO:
    Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
    How do i fix this??


    would you prefer it if he submited o you every time and changed his behaviour to accomidate you?


 
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